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Feeling very alone

Bunches's picture

I don't even know what to write. 
 

My partner carries a lot of guilt about leaving his kids. I say leaving them, he hasn't. he sees his children pretty much every day, texts them throughout the day. Speaks to them on the phone every night. Etc. He takes them places, eats with them, plays with them, supports them, etc. To me he hasn't left them, he just doesn't live in the same house anymore. But what do I know? I don't come from a broken home and I don't have my own children. He says that I don't understand. 
I can't talk to him about his children, he says he can't talk about them because he finds it too hard. Thing is, I can't mention ANYTHING about them without him being defensive. I don't understand because I never criticise them, I always make an effort with them, I always take the time to complement them to my partner when they're not around so he knows there's no problem. But it's not enough for him to not be defensive and stoney about the whole thing.
 

His son is eleven and we get on well, I enjoy him company. The daughter is six and is going through a period of seeing me as some sort of competition for her dad's love. I get it, it's basic psychology, I absolutely don't blame her, she's just a child and I am the first woman he's been with since her mother. But my partner doesn't see these subtleties in her behaviour and while I mostly let it drift over me, it can be very draining and I have nobody who understands the position Im in. I feel like my partner should be the person I can talk to about things like this. But I can't.

I can't explain it but I can't seem to do anything right. I feel so lonely. I keep thinking there must be something I'm doing or not doing.

 

does anyone else ever just feel completely alone?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You say he sees his kids every day, texts them throughout the day, and talks on the phone to them every night. How does this work? Does he have a regular custody schedule? Do they have their own phones? How does he contact them or make arrangements for these daily visits? 

Bunches's picture

He lives just down the road from them and they get upset if they don't see him, if he doesn't see them for one day sometimes they still call him and cry because he's not there etc, so they have a week by week basis schedule. No set plans. (I appreciate how this is not good for the children's stability - or the adults for that matter - I have expressed my concern about this but it's how both of the parents want to do it right now. This is frustrating for me but I've had to let it go) .

JRI's picture

Bunches, I'm 78 and my DH85 is STILL defensive about his 3 kids, SD61, OSS59 and YSS55.  The boys are off on their own and no problem but mini-wife SD61 has been an issue since Day 1.  So, I dont know the answer.

SD 61 came over yesterday, looks terrible, down to 100 lb or less, face looked ravaged.  I'm guessing another drug jag.  I didnt say anything after she left altho he looked so concerned.  It would only lead to defensive denial.  Today, I said, "SD61 didnt look good yesterday".  He immediately started in about her 3-day headache and other denial statements.  In other words, no discussion about the probable serious cause, drug abuse.

It's a pity cuz I'd like to give him the opportunity to vent to. me, I know he's concerned.  But doing so would admit theres a serious problem.  The other kids and I have all tried to talk to him about her, no luck.  I once told him nobody does it to hurt him, we are all concerned about her effect on him.  No luck.

 

Bunches's picture

That must be so difficult and heart breaking for you to see problems but have no way in to help fix things. I often feel like that: UTILISE ME! I could help!! 
funny how when there's any sort of addiction the denial seems to spill over to other people around the person suffering from the addiction. I'm sorry to hear you're in the position you are. 
 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. How long has your SO been divorced? It kind of sounds like he is still not used to not living with his kids full time. What is the custody schedule like?

Bunches's picture

They're not divorced, just separated. He left almost a year and a half ago. I find it frustrating because I would have had all sorts of things in place by now to make things as stable as possible for the children, set routine, certain days of the week etc. If I suggest things like that he tells me I don't understand and that as soon as he has his own place he will do that. Whereas I think that should start now but again, that's not my place.

He's living with his parents for financial reasons but they will let him do what he wants re: the kids etc so he'll never not be able to see them. 

Cover1W's picture

He is not ready for a relationship. This will not get better for you.

ndc's picture

It doesn't sound to me like he is ready for a new relationship yet. The guilt, the unwillingness to even talk about his kids to you, the lack of a set custody schedule and what is probably too much contact with the ex to facilitate daily visits is concerning.  I'd proceed with caution.

 

Bunches's picture

Thank you for your honestly, I am feeling cautious. 
 

I've often wondered if he is ready for a new relationship but if I mention it he agrees things weren't ideal but he didn't want to lose the opportunity to be with me. Even though I told him we should probably leave things for a bit.

Winterglow's picture

He's being utterly selfish. He wants his cake but wants to eat it too. He is absolutely not ready for a new relationship yet. To start with, he isn't even divorced. Why not? He's letting his ex and his kids think there's a chance they might be getting back together again and that's selfish. He hasn't done the "work" necessary to be ready for someone new - his kids aren't settled, there are no routines, he's not free to date anyone yet because he's still busy dating his kids ... They need to see a realistic view, that their parents are not going to get back together, that they need to settle into a reasonable routine and accept that they spend one week with one parent and then next week with the other, not having daddy constantly around on mummy's week. How are they supposed to process the separation (AKA "how can I miss you if you won't go away?").

I'd be more than cautious, if I were yoiu. He's not ready to be there for you and is unlikely to reach that point if he keeps on like he's doing (when he gets his own place? What is he doing about that? Is it all talk and no action?).  What is stopping him from doing that today? Doesn't he want a normal relationship? Does he really expect you to accept being put on a back burner until he has time for you?

How old are his kids, by the way?

Bunches's picture

Hello, thank you for your thoughts. I have thought all of these things but I suppose I've been trying to be a good partner and let things go and support him. I can't do that anymore. 
Re: the divorce, he says he can't afford it. His mum would help him out though, I know it. He says he wants to move out first and have a routine with the kids in case she messes around with the custody before he has have moved out. But she lets him do whatever he wants, although maybe that's because she thinks he's coming back, I don't know. 
I completely agree about the kids and the separation, routine, etc and it's been frustrating watching it play out and my voice not heard when I can see this happening around me to those poor kids and nobody is making sure they have stability, and it's breaking my heart a bit to be honest. 
 

He claims to be saving money to move out but it's tricky because he can't afford a three bedroom place (as the kids are male and female, 6 and 11) on his own as he's currently a full time mature student. His mum says she'll help him with rent each month though so I'm going to sit him down today and ask him what's going on with that. he always seems to have an excuse. I feel like a real mug sometimes.
 

 

Winterglow's picture

I'm not surprised you're fed up with the situation. My fear would be that if you get too involved, you're going to be expected to cover his costs seeing as he can't afford to even live alone. I'd step away from this situation and tell him to get in touch with you if and when he ever gets his life sorted out. It's my guess you'll never hear from him because, if he still needs his parents' help when he's clearly been an adult for some time, he's unlikely to manage by himself.

This is sheer curiosity but ... what caused the separation?

ndc's picture

When I left my first comment I didn't realize this man wasn't divorced and was living with his parents.  Knowing that, I can say without any doubt that he's not ready for a relationship.  Nothing in his life is settled, and he doesn't appear to be doing any of the work required to get there. Of course he's selfishly ready for the perks and benefits of a relationship, but he's not ready for the rest of it. I'd throw this one back unless you want a life of misery. 

Bunches's picture

Well, that's one of the reasons I said about not living together: the money.  I'm not prepared to cover any costs other than my half which to be fair he wouldn't expect me to. Also, I'm not prepared to have my finances mixed in with his divorce when he gets around to it. That's just the tip of the iceberg but yes, I think a line should be drawn before one moves forward properly. 
 Funny you should say that, I plan to speak to him later today and tell him that he needs to get his s*** together and maybe we shouldn't be together until he has done that because I'm not going to keep feeling like this, it's making me really ill.
 

im sorry, I have nobody to speak to about any of this and I feel like nobody understand so I'm just rambling now. 
 

It ended because of years of discontentment on both their parts, never communicated, just lived alongside each other, nothing in common, v. Different people,  and he had stayed for as long as he did for the children. That's what I know from what he's told me anyway. 

justmakingthebest's picture

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are being smart. 

Your BF is not emotionally available to be in a relationship right now. In relationships both people are supposed to give, he is only taking. He is missing something and fills it with you, but he is giving nothing in return. I am sure he is a great guy and a great dad but his heart isn't ready yet. 

ESMOD's picture

First.. you are not wrong to be concerned about this situation.  And.. this is a great example of why we "date" and don't just move in together quickly.. Because we don't truly know the other person in just a few months.  Giving into the temptation to "save money" by letting him move in.. it would be easier for him to (technically) afford half a rent with you vs a full home with no partner etc.. it's easy to see how a lot of people rush into it because they think it will be good financially.. not understanding the full depth of things.

It is very concerning that he and his EX do not have some sort of preliminary custody hammered out after more than a year.  The fact that he lives with his parents doesn't matter.. he should have some idea going forward.. it's good for him.. for anyone he dates.. for his ex.. and for the kids.  And, it doesn't mean that his schedule might actually include almost daily contact with his kids.. maybe he would be the one to pick them up and drive them to school for example.. or handle after school pickup and dinner... then maybe every other weekend full time?  I get that they didn't want to immediately rip him out of the kid's lives.. but at this point.. it's way past time.  (my osd is in a situation getting separated from her DH.. and they have no set scheduld which means he comes over whenever.. and it's hard to count on when she is free or not).  

I actually don't know the legalities of him dating before any separation agreement.. but I can tell you that the fact that he is dating you will make the process a lot more contentious with his EX.  And it's not that expensive to get divorced if people can be agreeable.. so since he has relatively few assets.. what is the hold up?  Since they have been able to manage daily custody issues.. it seems that they could hammer out something fairly quickly and just have a lawyer submit it?

But he hasn't done any of the hard work.  

And.. so you have all these red flags.

1.  1.5 years post breakup and no separation agreement

2.  The dude can't afford to have a place of his own.. and  if he hasn't saved up anything in 1.5 years?  IDK if he is a student..  he can work too.. maybe if he worked he would be able to afford it.. maybe going to school FT isn't a good option for a single guy with two kids he needs to help support.  financial red flags galore.

3.  Which brings up another red flag. no agreement.. means no known future finances related to the kids.. will he pay support.. how much.. how much could it go up when he is working FT?

4.  No certainty to custody.

5.  Admitted guilty daddy \

6.  Miniwife

7.  Defensive attitude and dismissive of anything you say because "how could you know?"...  this shows a ton of immaturity and lack of respect of your feelings in this relationship.

I would break up because he is not ready for a relationship.. he may WANT one.. but he is not ready.. not financially, not marital status (still married), unsettled issues with his kids... and if he hasn't improved his situation in 1.5 years.. it is not going to happen.. and you WILL end up subsidizing his family.

SteppedOut's picture

He doesn't want a relationship, or he would be doing things to make a good relationship happen.

He wants sex.

OP - run.

PB's picture

I feel you... i'm also in a similar situation, maybe a bit easier now... But i feel alone too... I was in the same situations and our and his ex homes were close, but then the ex and Sd had to move to other part of city and they made our situation much better... when they were close they had to see each other every single day and i was so done with this.. but now it's just the weekend. which is still not easy for me, because its my only day off... but i cant say something... men are selfish... they just think about themselves and their princess which doesnt have any similar thing to a princess! she is almost 11 and she doesnt know basic cleaning, talking or enything in daily life... sometimes i think i'm the loneliest girl in the world...

M88's picture

I understand what you mean. Send me a pm if you wanna have soemone to vent every now and again *bye*

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

After reading your replies, no wonder you feel alone. You are alone. This guy is not serious about you. He has not made a clean break with his ex and he is living a half-assed life, going back and forth between his mommy's house and his wife's (still married) house. He has not done the work to establish himself as a divorced father. It sounds like he is living in a fantasy world.

Did you ever say who left who in his marriage? If it was her, he may be trying to hold out and get back together. If him, he may be stuck in some kind of guilt trip where he feels he has to martyr himself to his ex and kids. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! You do not deserve to live in this dysfunction. This is their mess, not yours, and you will just be a supporting player in their tragic farce of a life. You deserve to be the star of your own life. 

JRI's picture

I agree with all Rumplestilskin says and here"s another way to look at it.  "Has he done the work?" means: has he established a sensible home (beds, frig) where the kids feel comfortable?  No.  Does he have a reasonable custody order he follows?  No.  Does he have a sane, workable relationship with BM?  No.  Is he functioning as a normal dad rather than a guilt-ridden Disney dad?  No.

If a man hasn't done the work, life is very hard on any woman who comes into the picture.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I almost typed "he hasn't done the work - JRI is better at summarizing said work than i am!" Maybe OP's SO is just lost and confused. If she lists out what she needs and he does it, maybe there's a chance.

I did that (after reading this site and finally being able to articulate what i needed), and my SO, over time, has done the work. The BM, losing her sweet deal of free money, total control of SO, and no responsibility, then pushed back really hard with an ex-parte and lots of false accusations. Some of SO's family members chose her over us. I still carry a lot of anger and resentment for all that happened.

All this to say, it's possible for such a messed-up case to change but it won't be easy and since it's early and it sounds like OP is child-free, best to cut losses and move on. I'm middle-aged and divorced with my own kids, and 5-years in, so my situation is different. 

advice.only2's picture

This man should not be dating anybody until he has made progress on advancing his divorce, set up a workable schedule with his ex (pertaining to their children), and has been living independently for a period of time.   He needs to clean his house before he starts setting up a new one with somebody else. 

Harry's picture

You are not first in his life.  Kids need a father not a lover.  A wife needs a lover not a father, He should not see the ex everyday he goes into the ex's house to see the kids?   That a big no no.  He should pick up the kids they are old enough to walk to the car by themselves.

He not ready for a new relationship, he may never be ready.  You don't know what's goes on between the ex and him. 
LThe question is do you want to be part of this disfunctional relationship,  you know BF will never go away with you by yourself.  May not have chrildren with you. 
I would test BF.  Saying you have tickets to X, what required a weekend alone, leaving on Friday night  coming home on Sunday   See how that goes  or a three day cruise, 

 

BobbyDazzler's picture

It sounds like he isn't ready for a relationship. Take care of yourself emotionally which might mean living separate from him. 

CLove's picture

AS you can see if you read around here and read these comments, you are NOT alone. Everyone has already said what I was thinking. Look up term mini wife, disney dad, divorce guilt, enmeshment, codependency, boundaries.

 You will feel less and less like sticking it out with this guy. 

Ill tell you my situation:

I met Husband when he had first stepped out as a separated man. 1.5 years later, still NOT divorced, and STILL separated, we started a monogamous relationship. He was super enmeshed with the ex Toxic Troll and at her beck and call "to keep things nice through the divorce". She also had a live-in boyfriend I call tweedle dum. They did not have any kind of rational schedule. He was still helping her move and buying furniture for kids at her apartment. He was still doing for her "because its for the chiiiillllldreeeeen".

I moved in-  didnt know much about boundaries, enmeshment, and mini wife. I had a LOT to learn and got LOTS of great aadvise here on Steptalk.

Well, about 1.5 years into our relationship (STILL married 3 years!!!!) I found out that if he hit the 10 year mark then hed have to pay spousal support forever...his friend recommended a woman who acted as paralegal and she helped with filing the paperwork and "mediated" so they could negotiate a custody visitation schedule. No child support and they each took a kid to claim taxes on.

A few years later we married and chit hit the fan. Toxic Troll BM filed for child support AND claim rights of kid. And won. SO, here we are, 14 months from kiddo aging out of visitation and child support. 

Take the advice and give him some time and space to get on track.

Bunches's picture

Thank you for your repies everyone. Last night I told him where I stood and this morning he lost his temper over something small and has broken up with me so none of it matter now anyway. He has done this before but I won't be taking him back this time because I know what's best for me now.

 He did make a lot of it make sense last night and just to clarify he doesn't go round to the exes, he just goes to pick them up and drop them home. He is the one who left. I think he just isn't ready for a relationship and I don't want to be a part of that so he's made the right decision.

Thank you everybody for your advice and kind words, I suppose I won't be sticking around as I no longer have step children Sad

Winterglow's picture

Chalk this up to experience but know that you dodged a bullet! Your life is about to become so much happier!

CLove's picture

And cant unknow it.

You now know about us and steptalk and all the red flags to watch for when dating a man with children.

Kloewent's picture

You can be a cautionary tale! The girl who said no! Happy trails, I know you will find the right guy for you

alwayslast1978's picture

Your partner needs to support you.  He cant simply ignore your feelings because you dont have kids.  Some people seem to think that because they have kids everything revolves around them and their feelings. .I dont think you should continue to allow him to treat you this way.