Feeling overwhelmed and alone
Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and wanted to reach out to other stepparents as I'm feeling very overwhelmed with it all at the moment.
My partner and I have been together for nearly two years now. His daughter is 5 and she lives with her mum during the week and stays at our place on weekends. Me and my partner aren't married, but we live together, so I'm not officially a step parent- I kind of feel like I'm in this in between, non-category I guess.
His daughter and I get on well and we have a really good relationship. She's constantly wanting to sit with me or play together and feels very comfortable around me- which is great. I think what I'm struggling with is how intense it all can be. I have no kids, and no experience with kids before this. I also have no experience with step families so all the intracies of these kind of situations is totally new to me. While I do enjoy the time I spend with her- by the end of the weekend I'm so exhausted and worn out that I can barely do anything sometimes. I guess I'd describe myself as an introvert- I find it hard to cope with having no time or space to myself. We also live in a small 2-bedroom apartment which gets very cramped when all three of us are here. There's also the stress of my partner's relationship with his daughter's mum- as it's very up and down and there are cycles where they are constantly arguing and I never know what's going to happen (i.e she'll occasionally decide he can't see her at a moment's notice or when we do have an evening planned just the two of us, nearer the time she'll kick up a fuss and our plans will end up cancelled)
Sometimes I feel like I have no autonomy over my own time. Like, if I wanted to take a trip to visit my friends or family, who don't live close by, it's a huge ordeal to organise and I end up having to go alone, when I would really like the chance to take my partner with me (under no circumstances are we allowed to take his daughter anywhere) and then I feel bad for leaving him alone and like I'm letting her down by not being there that weekend. Or say it's Saturday and I really could do with some time to myself I feel guilty about it and like it would be selfish to voice that.
I also feel like I have no-one to talk to that would understand. I don't feel like I can talk to other parents about it, because I'm not a parent. Also none of my close friends have kids, or have ever been in a relationship with someone who does have kids, so they can't relate to this situation. Sorry this has ended up a long rant- I think I just have a lot of pent up feelings that have nowhere to go.
Youir bf needs to stand up
Youir bf needs to stand up for himself. He should not just roll over and obey just to keep his ex happy. He should certainly not cancel plans he has already made with you just to appease her. I presume there is no court order if she's chopping and changing the rules all the time? If not, time he got one so that visitation is set out clearly. And what's this nonsense about not being "allowed" to take his daughter anywhere? He can do as he damn well pleases when it's his time with his daughter. Does her mother expect the child to be cooped up in your appartment all the time?
PS
Do not feel guilty if you want time for yourself. Remember that this is not your daughter and you are not under any obligtion to spend every waking hour with her. She is your bf's responsibility and he's the one who should be taking care of her. Please take the time you need to be happy. It's important.
Thank you for the advice At
Thank you for the advice
At the moment, there is no court order. It's definitely something that he wants to put in place, as there has been occasions where his daughter's mother has stopped him from seeing her because he hasn't given in to her demands. The reason he hasn't started the process yet is because of the cost of it.
I think I defintely need to be better at communicating how I feel though.
I would have written the
I would have written the exact same thing at the beginning of my step experience. The part about not being able to see my own friends and family.
Kids are pretty agreeable at your SD sage so you can look for that to become more difficult as she turns 9 or 10. That is what it is.
Since you are still early on in your relationship now is the time for you to have several discussions with your so about your boundaries his expectations for you and what you are comfortable with. he may have the expectation that you will step in and be a second mother to his child while you may not be comfortable with that idea and would be more comfortable with something like a fun Aunt type role. After dropping her off each time it is a good idea to have a debrief conversation with your SO. talk about what you think went well talk about what you think didn't go well and strategize about what you both are going to do differently next time. It took about a year-and-a-half of having these conversations after every time we saw my SD until my husband and I became both satisfied with the role I would take. approach it like a negotiation, you don't need to just do whatever he wants and expects of you just because he's the one with the kid.
early on I think what made me angriest was that I felt like I was giving up my weekends and my vacation time and my free time to see his family and it was like pulling teeth to go see mine. If I did suggest I wanted to go see my family he wanted to turn it into a vacation with his daughter which I was not interested in. A trip to see your family and a vacation are very different things. there was one year where I ended up using most of my vacation time on him and his applications and we had a pretty in-depth discussion and I vowed never to do that again. He expected me to take off for two weeks in the summer when I only get 16 vacation days annually. Yeah there was no way that was going to happen!
it doesn't sound like your situation is terrible and you were still early enough that you can shape it into what you want it to be. The important thing is to set your own boundaries and approach it from a stance of working with your SO. make it clear that his role as a parent and your role as a stepparent are very different. You can give him and his child some of your time but not all of it. Hopefully he will accept this part of your negotiation but if he doesn't simply remind him that he was the one who had a kid not you, he is the one with parental obligations not you. It's also a good idea to remind him that your relationship is with him not his family or his child and that you understand there are times where he's going to have to prioritize his child but you also expect there to be times when he prioritizes.
You have to talk to him about this, a lot.
Thank you so much, this is
Thank you so much, this is really useful advice. I definitely need to speak up and discuss boundaries- I am guilty of putting other people's needs before my own but I know this isn't healthy or conducive to a happy life. I think the caring responsibilites while she's here get easily blurred at the moment- given the covid situation and the various lockdown restrictions we've been living with. As we're in the same space all the time so I can't physically go anywhere or distance myself as much. This has certainly intensifed the feeling of being overwhelmed!
I like the idea of the debrief conversation at the end of each weekend- it's a good opportunity to start these kind of discussions. Especially as not every weekend will be the same.
I've already started to be more vocal about what I'm uncomfortable with since writing this post- just small things but it's helping me to gain the confidence to speak up more.
Excellent suggestions, Seeyounever
Like Seeyounever, I could have almost written your post. When SO started having the 3 kids on the weekends, I was living in a one-bedroom apartment (!) and working full -time. And like you, Hannah, I'm an introvert. I was totally overwhelmed, it felt like there was no "me" left. I wish I had had Seeyounever's sttategy of communicating so clearly with my SO about my role and his expectations. I especially like the idea of debriefing after each weekend.
I was so young and naive. I wish I had had the maturity to set some boundaries for myself, especially around my time. My DH wanted the kids as much as possible, I got it. But I needed more me time to function well and be happy. Good luck, Hannah.
3 kids in a one-bedroom
3 kids in a one-bedroom apartment sounds like a lot! No wonder it was overwhelming. What's your situation like now?
I'm glad someone else gets it- being an introvert isn't always easy! It's weird because some weekends feel really nice and happy while others, I'm worn out after 30 minutes! I think my partner feels the same sometimes too- he works full time as a teacher, sometimes having to do marking or lesson planning in the evenings, so by then end of the weekend he's absolutely drained.
5 kids in a one-bedroom apartment
It wasn't 3 kids, it was my two, also. Needless to say, within 2 months, we had a rental house with much more room. Four years later, we bought this house which originally had 4 bedrooms. As the SKs began to move in, we had the basement finished and added a bathroom. I call it my expando-house because when we bought it, I could never have imagined how many ways we would adapt the space.
I felt drained after the weekends, too. My weekend feelings ranged from apprehension and dread as the SKs arrived to more positive feelings a day later as they calmed down to exhaustion once they left. When they moved in full-time, it was a huge surprise to realize that my feelings leveled out. Whoever thought life would be easier when they moved in? Lol.
IMHO having an EWE visitation
IMHO having an EWE visitation schedule in a blended family marriage is the death knell for the relationship. In your situation it is time to sit your SO down and inform him that he either mandates an EOWE shift in schedule or the relationship ends. He is not the CP, you and the relationship need dedicated couple time free of the Skid.
As the CP, he can and should refuse half of the weekends whether it is COd or not. This is the one true advantage that the NCP has in the whole blended family/visitation dynamic.
If your SO does not comprehend this and refuses to dedicate EOWE for you and the relationship... he isn't THE one.
Take care of you.
Duplicate
Duplicate
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the advice and understanding! it's so helpful to hear from others who have/ have experienced similar situations.
Agreed
Agreed that a CO should be put into place. It may take time and money, but should help to reduce the amount of stress and chaos coming from the BM. Worth it.
I also agree that it's best to establish boundaries and expectations for the relationship early on when SK are involved. Know your limits and don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with. And there is no need for you to feel guilty for not wanting to spend your free time with SD. Kids are draining and it's even worse for introverts. You really do need time and space to recharge and recover after situations that exhaust you like that.