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Even the dog is a priority before me

Ratilal2016's picture

Hello all, I read this forum since October but just tonight I felt the need of writing something...

I´m 36 year old with a relationship of 9 months with a 38 year old divorced dad of a 5 year old.

I`ve been throught so many of the problems here that I have cried and laughed reading this forum and don´t even know where to begin.

I had a huge brain aneurysm in 2016 and I just got back to work last year, altought I have savings I have to work more time to have fiscal information to be able to buy a house...because of that and the recovery I had to move back with my parents. My boyfriend ex wife is still at the house they both had and still haven´t given him the money, so he lives with his stepfather too, meaning we have no space for ourselves.

In the beggining we madly fall in love (now looking back we were both very needy me coming from a sickness period and he coming from a marriage where he was sleeping in the couch the last 2 years, she accused him of domestic violence and that he had molested his own daughter)

I entered this relationship quickly because his best friend is one of my friends also and I already know him.....because otherwise I would never give a chance to someone with such story.

Resuming everything his ex wife is always doing some crazy thing, I don´t fit with his friends and dad life and altought we have spent many wonderfull moments we don´t even have plans of living together because me and him are afraid because of the daughter part, he has to live near the ex because of the school of his daughter and he don´t even give his dog away (wich I´m afraid and a house with a garden is much more expensive to share)......

To be honest we both like each other but we are coming to realise that we don´t fit with each other.

Help me guys, I don´t want to give up and spend the rest of my life thinking he could have bring me the hapiness I´m looking for.....

SteppedOut's picture

If you are BOTH thinking you aren't right for each other, that is a strong sign. 

He is allowing his ex to not sell the house and/or pay him his share? There is another member on this site that has the same problem with her bf. It has gone on for YEARS and now the mortgage is super upside down. This is a huge, glowing red flag. 

TBH, this sounds like a lot of drama while you are trying to heal. 


somethingwicked's picture

Congratulations on your triumph over  a very serious issue , a huge brain aneuryism , and able to return to your life .


I am celebrating with you because you are a lucky woman, very blessed person . 

I read through this then reread and stopped here :

In the beginning we madly fall in love (now looking back we were both very needy~)

That is all you need to focus upon OP imo..

Time to let him go.You know it.He does as well.

we both like each other but we are coming to realise that we don´t fit with each other. 

You have so much to live for and this guy,no matter what some mutual friend may think, is not the guy that will help you fly your highest and attain those life goals that may have been denied you from that very serious condition. You do not need the emotional stress and baggage and fluckery that this fellow and his bizarre situation as you described brings to you ~ AND  you feel you are and never will be a priority in this relationship.

YOU just fought for your life and won! You cheated death. WHY give your hard fought win to this loser?

Please dump this ballast and watch how high you will fly.

Good luck and I am hoping for you.





BethAnne's picture

it's always disapointing when life and its practicalites get in the way of love and romance. But that is the way of growing up, we learn that love is not enough and that we need more. Sorry that you have to go through this and have to find a way to move on. Just know that you are worth a lot more than your boyrfriend can offer and there is plenty of time for adventures and romance and there are plenty more people who would be a good match for you. 

Rags's picture

The only person who can bring you the happiness you seek is you.  No one else can do that for  you.

Please re-read your original post from the perspective of the fresh eyes of an outsider and ask yourself if you would advise someone else to remain in this relationship.

You have been given some great advice already.

My thoughts in synopsis are that your BF and his wife are codependent, he has not forced the closure of the house issue with his wife, neither of  you are interested enough or capable of the independence required to make a life together, and you are worried about potential regrets you may have if you end it.

None of these are a healthy foundation for a lifelong equity life partnership.

Focus on you and your own life for a while.  Figure out how to be happy.  When are able to be happy, you will attract happy people who are in their own place in life that will make them additive to your happy life rather than a drain that will have you looking into regrets of the demise of a relationship.

I have plenty of Xs in my life.  Most people do.  XGFs or XBFs, XWs or XHs.  Not one of them do I regret the absence of. 

When the right one for you comes along you will know it.

Take care of you and enjoy your health.  You have been through a lot.  Do not put yourself through even more with this guy.

Ratilal2016's picture

I´m really touched how many people came here and get support even when our own friends don´t seem to understand.

We are not together anymore.....we had a big fight one day before quarentine starts and never spoke again (almost 3 weeks) I get many moods during the day (now in quarentine is even worse or maybe sometimes I think it is better not to deal with real life for a while) but evem when I miss him and think I lost the best guy I had....I think about his daughter and all the dynamic and how I felt miserable and given each time less and less and stayed happy with less......

Dating a man with kids is not easy at all and we get on a journey of doubting ourselves, making more effort because we don´t wanna believe in the feelings we have and that we are bad persons, immature and not comprenhesive.....and we stay in this spiral and the relationship becomes more and more fake and arguments over silly stuff just grow and grow.

I think we all say that our DH "are wonderfull man" because they know they have to be like that to make us fall in love at the beggining and not see in reality what they have to offer us......a life designed with another person that didn´t wanted that life!

It´s a huge thing (even the biggest thing in life) to have a child....and even more what they ask us be a let´s not pretend (I´m talking to society) that i´ts just "another way of organising the relationship"  and "you have to be more patiente" argh I can´t even continue any longer.....I´m seriously traumatised and I will never ever date another man with kids.

ldvilen's picture

Interesting and wise words:  “. . . and not see in reality what they have to offer us......a life designed with another person that didn´t want that life!.”