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Drawing Into Myself, and also Wanting More Time With My SS

MoonGazer's picture

I love my SS7 and my SO very much. There are times when I really feel like a family the three of us, and it is glorious. But there are other times when I feel pushed away, or not a part of the club. We have been together almost four years and recently had a commitment ceremony, and he calls me his wife. I do a good job of occupying myself with other projects when he wants to spend time wth his kid alone, but I do still get jealous. When I am off doing my own thing, I feel a lot better, but I get wrapped up in my own world and it becomes harder to reconnect with them when the time comes. I grew up very independent (child of divorced parents, on my own a lot, and an only child) and I am good at retreating into myself.  I'm just like that: a little shy at first and needing to get used to people I havent seen in a while. I guess you could say I don't transition very well. 

On one occasion, SS came back from a trip with his BM, and his dad wanted to have a day with him alone, which is common (I see SS about once every 1-2 weeks, and BD and BM split cudtody). Part of me feels hurt that my SO doesn't want to reunite all together, ask SS about his trip, do something fun together, etc. When I have said something in the past, SO has said that he has the right to spend time alone with his son. I get it. I accept it. I do my own projects. When I let him know that I sometimes dont feel a part of his family, or that I feel excluded, he gets offended. He also feels guilty sharing about the fun things he and SS do without me. Which--yeah--I do feel sad hearing about, while also happy for them. I dont want SO to feel bad sharing his joy with me. At the same time.... he could invite me. I may not always accept... It's such a juggling game! He knows that I have had some trauma around feeling excluded as a kid, which has followed me as an adult, and he tries to be aware of that while still honoring his desire to be with his kid alone. 

Anyway, should I be concerned that he is very protective of his one on one time with his kid, or is that normal? I still feel not completly a part of the family at times (other times it's a non issue). Alternatively, are my feelings an indication that I want a kid of my own? (SO does not want more kids). 

We live apart, but in the same city, and don't have immediate plans to move in together. I own my house and am pro living apart most of the time, I appreciate having my own space, but there are also times when I wish we lived together as a family, and that SO and I appeared to be more of a unit to SS, and so that I got to spend more time with SS. Part of my problem is that I like him so much, and he likes me! We have so much fun together, it's ridiculous, usually the three of us and every now and then just me and SS (though that is rare). Not the worst problem to have, but still... I just want to gobble him up and call him my own and hang with him all the time! But I am held at a distance (definitely by the BM who does not want me spending time with him at all, becuase maybe she feels threatened?) and also by BD who wants 1x1 time with him as well. Does that mean I am lucky, and/or does that mean I need to examine my desire to have kids of my own? Having kids of my own would mean doing some kind of alternative, co-parenting lifestyle with someone other than my SO, since he is certain he does not want any more. I am not opposed to thinking outside of the box.

Anyway, lots to think about here, but I'd love to hear whatever thoughts you want to share, or parts of this that you relate to. 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Are you certain that your unconventional relationship actually works for you? It is starting to sound like it doesn't.

I'm going to be blunt because I don't know how else to put this: it sounds like you two are putting on the theatrics of being in a relationship versus actually being in a relationship. You want to see SS more, but you don't even live in the same house as him. Your SO doesn't want more kids, yet instead of talking to him about your possible desire for them, you're thinking of acquiring an outside partner to co-parent with (which will put your SO in the same spot he has put you in). It doesn't sound like either of you have much of a say or influence on the other's life, yet you had a commitment ceremony and he calls you "wife"?

In my opinion, it sounds like you want a more traditional relationship with a more traditional family structure. It sounds like, too, that your SO may not want that. You two may be incompatible, and instead of weaving this tangled web of additional partners and facilitators to fill in the gaps left by your SO, you may want to consider finding a new partner (unless you're open to polyamory, in which case this whole discussion takes a different turn).

I think you need to do a self-reflection and find out what you really want. Then, determine if your SO is giving you what you really want. What I'm reading is a story of a woman who is giving up a lot of what she wants for a man who doesn't want the same thing and who isn't giving up anything himself to meet in the middle in an appreciable way. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but it may mean you two aren't right for each other.

susanm's picture

It sounds like you want a traditional relationship.  Marriage, children, commitment.  Nothing wrong with that in the slightest.  The problem is that this man has already had that and he does not want it again.  It has nothing to do with you.  He likes hanging out with you.  So much in fact that he is willing to burn your youth away hanging out with you instead of letting you find someone who actually is going to be a match with the life you want.  Unitl you see that you are going to be unhappy.  

I am guessing that there are lots of people in your real life telling you the same thing.  Go find someone who will give you what you want.  This guy is not it .  You are never going to find "Mr. Right" with this guy calling you his wife.  A commitment ceremony is not a marriage and you are not his wife and you both know it.   Go get the real thing.

ndc's picture

Sounds to me like you're settling. You love your SO and his son now, but you already have misgivings that I could see turning into resentment. That will challenge love. Maybe you need some counseling to work on your exclusion issues and figure out what you want. I can tell you that I could not be happy with your arrangement. You need to determine if, long term, you can be.