Do you feel like a bad person when you don't want your stepchildren around?
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I get along great with my husband's daughter, and yet there are times when I have an off day and I wish she wasn't with us. I crave space to myself, and I try to do that as best I can without disrupting our household. Sometimes I feel like a bad person for feeling that way.
What do you do when you want a break from your stepchildren? How do you feel?
I think parents can have an off day without feeling bad. They can need time away from their kids without feeling guilty.
Because there's a deep foundation of unconditional love between parents and their children. That's something stepparents don't have.
Without that foundation, we feel unsteady when we have an off day. We question ourselves, we feel bad, we strive to do better tomorrow.
I used to in the beginning,
I used to in the beginning, but after putting up with SD14's bad attitude, constant lies, manipulation, having to be the center of attention, crying, pouting, whiny ass - I no longer give two shits about her. She proved to me that she doesn't want me around her, so why would I feel bad for not spending time with her? And, the fact that I've tried EVERYTHING I could to be her friend, bond with her, give her space and time - and all she did was try and manipulate and break my DH and I up...
When I wanted a break from her, I'd take the long way home from work and tell DH that I had to run some errands. I'd sometimes just park my truck at a park or walk around the mall for a couple of hours. Sometimes, I'd meet a friend for a glass of wine or dinner. And no, looking back I didn't feel badly about that at all!
I can fully relate to all
I can fully relate to all that you said, RedWingsFan, except the part about your SD trying to break you up.
I realized recently that I don't mind hitting a red light or running and errand when I'm on my way home and the skids are here.
Sad, but true.
I hear ya Mimi - it's a sad,
I hear ya Mimi - it's a sad, empty feeling inside knowing you don't even want to go to your own home isn't it? I hated that and will hate it if Stepdevil returns. Right now, she's been estranged from us since basically our wedding back in June. She's PAS'd by mom and mom's boyfriend and has broken her father's heart over and over again. I honestly never thought I could dislike a child so much, but after her, I realize it's true.
I used to, but I don't
I used to, but I don't anymore. I mean, even their own mother, who gave birth to them, doesn't want them around half the time. If she can feel OK being away from them half the month, I certainly can!
Nope, never felt bad and now
Nope, never felt bad and now that she has 2 kids of her own, I don't feel bad for not wanting to be around them, either.
Edited to add: Man, I am a bitch.
I am new here but i have to
I am new here but i have to say that NO one around me knows how i feel, so I have no one to talk to. I have been a step for 10 yrs & for the last 6 my husband has shut himself out. He picks them up, says his hellos & then goes in the other rm. I am left to be the one who catches up, entertains, listen to their life & makes them feel a part of our life. I resent that & they resent him & suddenly I don't want to be here. Now our daughter is 17 & she stole every piece of jewelry I owned that was worth any value while I was at work, so she is not welcome here until she addresses it with me (no attempt for 6 mon). Dad has at least supported me on this but now her brother (14) is coming alone & talk about awkward. I don't want to be around any of this anymore.
Thai s horrible. especially
Thai s horrible. especially that you can not trust these children. It is good she is not welcomed in the home because honestly she has no respet for the home. Does the father discipline his children...and tell him to spend time with his kids. He had the pelsure of making him so he should have the pains of taking care of them too !
>>>Do you feel like a bad
>>>Do you feel like a bad person when you don't want your stepchildren around?<<<
No, I never felt bad. I don't question it, either.
I go to the gym, go for bike
I go to the gym, go for bike ride, take my book and go to the bedroom (this is a skid off limit are), go sit in the jaccuzi, call my friends and chat, what ever I want to do.
But to answer you question: No, why would you or should you? A stepmom does the same thing a bio mom does when she needs a break.
Take one. I am both, I speak from experience.
Thanks, dragonfly5. Your
Thanks, dragonfly5. Your perspective is helpful since you're both a mom and a stepmom. Do you feel differently about taking that time for yourself when it's your stepchildren vs your children? Just curious.
Like I said, I think for those of us who care about our stepchildren and generally enjoy their company, having an off day when we don't feel that way makes us feel bad in a way a parent might not.
I totally get what you are
I totally get what you are saying.
They are great kids, easy to be with, but it is overwhelming at times, my biod is 30 they are 12 and 15. My daughter comes into town or I go visit her, we talk for hours, have glass wine, go shopping, etc she is an adult.
I had to let my guilt go, I just need more time alone time than most people, but I also have been mostly alone for 25 yrs before FDH and the Skids came into my life. My ex traveled Mon-Friday every week so I and my biod were alone most of time. When she grew up went to grad school in DC and stayed there, I was totally alone. Which I liked. I am one of the few people I have met that actually like myself.
Your bio and mine are very similar, and I am not a childless Stepparent, but I am an emptynester Stepparent:
1. I am a emptynester stepparent. My stepchildren have two involved parents. I don’t need to take on a parenting role.
2. I am a wife first, bio mom second, and a stepparent third. I will enjoy being child free, mine is grown, happy and successful. I will and do create time and space for myself.
3. I am a mom, but that is a part of who I am not completely what I am.
4. My husband chose his former wife to be his children's mother. He must take responsibility for the consequences of that choice for himself and his children.
5. Whatever dynamic exists between my husband and his former wife does not involve me. They must work together for their children's benefit.
6. I will be kind and respectful to my stepchildren, as would anyone in my life, and I expect and receive the same from them. I will support my husband in his role as their dad. I will contribute – on my own terms.
Dragonfly, I love the way you
Dragonfly, I love the way you made the manifesto your own as an emptynester stepparent!
Funny how hard-won those realizations were for me - and how often I forget them. I'm so glad to have women like you to help me navigate this experience. I've accomplished a lot in my life, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done!
Hearing you talk about going out with your daughter, enjoying a glass of wine together - that's lovely. I'm glad she's on her own and doing well. Good for you! I bet you were able to show her the value of time alone.
I am the same way, I need lots of time with myself. I enjoy my own company! My husband's daughter is reluctant to be by herself, ever.
She's almost 10 years old, and my husband knows it's important to help her realize the value of alone time, but it's just not working yet. I think part of the problem is that she's not allowed a moment to herself when she's with her mom (her mom is incredibly invasive) and so she feels abandoned when she's encouraged to spend time on her own when she's with us. We'll keep trying - it's important!
ChildlessSM, You will show
ChildlessSM, You will show her the way. My goal is to help fsd12 become a happy, independent, young woman. When I met sd then 9 she was clingy and needy. Her parents divorced when she was 3, she really never adjusted to not being with her dad everyday.
Now, almost 4 yrs later, She is rarely clingy, she is not needy. The other day her dad heard her tell fss15, I don't care if Eden doesn't like my boots. I do and I dress for me.
I have told her many times, I wear what I like to wear, I do not ask anyone's opinion on it, not even her dads. I dress for me. My FDH told me immediately what she had said. He was so happy. He values my relationship with my daughter and sees I have been there done that. He respects me as a parent.
But it was baby steps with fsd12, she always wanted to please everyone else. Ask me which outfit I liked, or what color I liked. I would tell her, it doesn't matter what color I like or which outfit I would wear. It matters what you like and what you want.
Your answer is the correct one. I want her to to be confident in her decision making, not relying on someone else to give her praise, confidence, or acceptance.
I totally agree with you being a step parent is the hardest thing I have chosen to do. It is parenting without a licence to do so.
Parenting from a distance, no wonder we are all on this site :).
You are my idol for shaping
You are my idol for shaping my motto as a childless sm
Thanks, everyone, for sharing
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your thoughts. What I'm coming to terms with is this:
I care about my husband's daughter and enjoy her company.
But sometimes I don't want her around.
I don't have the unconditional love of a parent to help me through those moments.
You know that you DO care
You know that you DO care about her. That's all that matters.
Not wanting her around every now and then does not equal not caring about her.
I love my niece to death and take care of her a lot, but there are times I am glad she has something else to do. I love her, but I chose to not have kids so I am not used to having kids underfoot all of the time.
Thanks, hereiam! I agree. I'm
Thanks, hereiam! I agree. I'm close with my niece, too, and wouldn't feel any guilt feeling this way about her.
Interesting how much pressure I put on myself to love my husband's daughter as my own, even though I know that's not possible. I think that's common in many stepparents, at least at first. I keep reminding myself that studies show that on average, stepfamilies take 7 years to bond. Only 4 years to go!
it's important to help her
it's important to help her realize the value of alone time
My niece (she's 10) doesn't like being alone, either. She likes to read and she is very creative so I told her to use alone time to do those things. Write your plays, read your books, design your clothes (she wants to be a fashion designer). I told her about making a dream board so she spent a day going through magazines, looking for pictures to cut out and putting her dream board together. Get your SD to use her imagination and not be afraid of being alone. Easier said than done, I know!
Hereiam, those are great
Hereiam, those are great ideas for your niece! My husband's daughter is also interested in fashion design - something I've encouraged in her. Sadly, her mom dissuaded her, made her think fashion was shallow and stupid, and so now the sketch pads and pencils and paints I got for her sit unused.
So many things she gets interested in disappear if her mom doesn't approve. Sad. My husband will keep encouraging her to spend time with herself - I'll share your "dream board" idea with him!
I think we all sometimes need
I think we all sometimes need s break, whether stepparent or not. Taking one helps us deal with everything else a little better. So don't feel guilty. So take it when you need it.
No, she's a nuisance.
No, she's a nuisance.
Whenever I feel like FML and
Whenever I feel like FML and eff my Skids...I just come to this website and it makes me feel all so much better! Those little f*ckers are nothing but a reduction in my paycheck and less overall income to our household. My DH is amazing but if I never saw those stupid kids again I wouldn't blink an eye of guilt about it. Their BM is the most manipulative, horrible person I've ever encountered in my entire life and I honestly believe that she would be upset if I pushed her kids out of the way of an on coming car simply do to the fact that I intervened in their life and I'm "NOT" their mother. She makes me want to cut on myself (sorry, I work in juvenile corrections...dark humor) Anyways, anytime I have ever tried to bond or have some kind of relationship with my Skids, she pulls some manipulating BS that causes them to avoid me, more or less, and act like they don't "want" my help or attention or whatever it may be...even gifts. It's virtually impossible to have a relationship with them because they end up in a bad or awkward spot. So, do I feel guilty about not wanting my Skids around? HELL NO!! God please, 8 more years can't go by fast enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But the worse part for me is that I really do want my own kids and I feel like the stress I have in my life because of the current situation really hinders it happening. As well as the fact that I feel like my karma is bad or something. I have wanted my own kids for so long but now I want my own more in spite of my Skids BM and so I have something else to concentrate on in my life...my own kid, which is probably a really bad reason to want my own kid. Gggrrrrr! Advice would be amazing but I have not one single person in my circle of family or friends that has ever been a step parent or been in my shoes. Totally sucks.
Maybe bc I am new to this but
Maybe bc I am new to this but does anyone else get really excited about SD/SS coming, and then when they are there all the plans seem in adequate and your presence seems un needed and you kind of just want to leave.
I am calling it the Friday syndrome happens every Friday... feelings of guilt and worthlessness and I usually pick a fight with my SO or call up my adopted mother (she loves to argue, no need to even pick a fight)
Really want to get rid of the Friday syndrome
that is exactly how sd20 acts
that is exactly how sd20 acts toward me, too. that was the final straw that led to my disengagement from her. Christmas 08. i spent a lot of money and dealt with the crowds at the mall to get that spoiled bitch what she asked for, and all she did when she opened her gifts was thank daddy while criticizing me for the EXACT SAME gift she just thanked him for. "why did you get me a bunch of awkward sizes?" was what she said that sealed the deal. some things were medium, some small. clothes run different in different stores. little bitch. just can't bring herself to be thankful for anything, has to bitch instead. what did bm get her that year. NOTHING. but she bitches about what i spent my hard earned money on. i have 2 kids of my own i would have LOVED to have spent that money on!
i told fdh after that he was on his own with gifts, i was DONE. i told him i was sick and tired of the way she acted all the time, and sick of nothing i ever do being good enough, so i'm done with gifts for her. he apparently did not take me seriously as he was surprised when her bday came and i had nothing for her. then the following Christmas when i didn't do a stocking for her. oh f'g well. she asked for it, she got it.
^^ oh wow I know the
Everytime I even hear their names all i feel is a dark cloud looming, theres just too much bullshit asscoiated with them it just comptlly ruins everything. Theres always some drama on exchanges, BM hasn't done something for them or has done something to wind DH up. Or they've picked up some new tramp thing thats 'oh so cool to do coz mum taught me it'....yeh learning how to call people losers at 6 and 2 is really cute?!
I now go to the gym, spend a little time with them and have dinner with them, but even then I am like im not sitting here for an hour watching you eat, this is not how im spending my evening!
I used to feel bad but it was more fear of being left out, but you know what, they dont care you're not around, only when they want something done, DH included!
I kind of feel guilty. Not
I kind of feel guilty. Not because of the skids though, they don't know I don't want them there... I feel guilty bc DH wants them there SOOOO BADLY and I SOOOOO BADLY do not want them there. Sometimes I go read in my room, visit a friend, go shopping on my way home from work. DH has them every other day overnight, and every other weekend from Friday - Sunday. I get only 1 day off before they are back, and the drama, messes and aggravation starts all over again! Wish I had more time away from them.
Oh my gosh, Stina, every
Oh my gosh, Stina, every other DAY? I hope you don't mind my saying that seems like a recipe for instability, for everyone.
I know because that's how my husband and his former wife used to do it - their daughter would spend a few days here, a few days there, and after I moved in, I realized how hard it was on her. She never knew where she was going to be and the constant shifts from one home to the other was hard. At least your husband's children have a set schedule.
Have you talked to your husband about extending the length of time at each house? Is that possible? I suggested that to my husband, he talked about it with his former wife, and they talked about it with their daughter. They all agreed that a week at each home with an afternoon school visit would be best. I saw a difference in my husband's daughter right away. It was like she could finally exhale when she was with us. She's so much more relaxed.
What we do is pick-up after school on Monday, and she stays with us through the following Monday, when we drop her off at school. Less drop-off/pick-up drama that way since the parents aren't there. My husband picks her up after school on Thursdays when she's with her mom, and they have "Dad night" - he drops her off after dinner. It seems to work really well. (Minus the fact that his former wife always blows off her weekly visit at the last minute....ah well.)
That's the way it was at
That's the way it was at first with DH and SD14 too. Every other day and EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I refused to move in with him until that schedule was changed and we weren't living in his and SD's little "love nest" apartment that SHE helped pick out and decorate.
It went to every other week, which was HELL, then every other weekend with a day during the week, which was tolerable. Then she refused to come over anymore making all kinds of excuses and lies up to BM. Now, BM is taking DH back to court for 100% parenting time and full CS. BLeCH
Yes, its awful! DH & EX
Yes, its awful! DH & EX cannot talk. DH would be willing to do whatever is best for the kids, but BM would NEVER go a day without seeing the kids, it's weird. She sees them after school everyday before DH picks them up for the night. Its kind of useless. They come over at 6pm Tuesday & Thursday nights by the time dinner is done, homework is done, it's 8pm and we got 1.5 -2 hours before they go to bed. Its just annoying. Then DH has to drive them to school at 6am the next day bc we are in a different town so no bus from our house. I always wondered why they had that arrangement, and not to mention he pays a lot of CS to have his kids 50% of the time, 50% of the meals, 50% of the responsibility! Its like they are visitors at our house, even though they are there 50% of their time for over 5 years now.
no, i don't feel bad. there
no, i don't feel bad. there would be something very, very wrong with me to want to be around someone who acts and treats me the way sd20 does and always has.
Yes. Because their BD adores
Yes. Because their BD adores them and wants to watch movies and eat together as a family. I just can't do it. :sick:
Thats a part of being a
Thats a part of being a stepparent I liked. When they were INVOLVED with us. Now they just have their heads in an iPod all the time, or computer and never talk or hang out with us anymore. Why bother? They are there, so we can't make plans...but they don't even stay in the same room as us ever, so why do we have to sit home? SS16, never wants to do ANYTHING but interact with his iPod. So we can't take him out of the house, he literally has temper tantrums sometimes. If we leave him home alone for 2 hours he'll call us 20x to find out when we are coming back. Once we are back he'll go back to his room or downstairs, away from us. Wasted life to me! Our life.
Hi, I'm new here. This is an
Hi,
I'm new here. This is an interesting site and I'm glad I found I am not alone in how I feel. I have never wanted children of my own and after getting remarried I have found myself with two stepchildren. I find myself getting stressed and annoyed when it's time for their bi-weekly visits. They are not bad kids in any way....they are very respectful in fact, but I still find that I am very annoyed with them just being at my home. I feel so invaded in my own home. They seem to creep their way into my space and all I want is time to myself. It sounds horrible and I would never say this to anyone, especially not my H. I guess this is a good way to get it off my chest.
Welcome, Invaded. I know just
Welcome, Invaded. I know just how you feel.
My husband's daughter is an easy child - respectful and low maintenance. Yet sometime I dread the weeks when she's with us. I feel like a bad person for feeling that way when she's done nothing wrong. And then I give myself a break - I take a step back, breathe, and let go.
You are not alone!
Yes. I feel bad bc i know my
Yes. I feel bad bc i know my hubby wants me to be closer to her. I work all weekend when she comes and i made my schedule like that on purpose. I had the opprotunity at my job to choose my schedule and i chose to work 12 hour shifts when she is with us. I told my hubby that that was the only schedule available. And when i get off work i go workout until after her bedtime.
i just cant stand the stress. And it would be different if she was my child or if i had a bond with her and i know it can be argued that i will never get that bond bc i dont spend time with her but i have tried and in the end decided that my sanity was worth more to me.
VickkiW, I understand that
VickkiW, I understand that feeling. I have done the same thing at times, but when I do work on the weekends or go to the gym just to get away, I find myself becoming even more resentful that I'm being pushed out of my own home. So these days I have taken to staying home and making myself very busy cleaning the house....but now I'm getting resentful of that too. I find that I'm cleaning up after my stepskids...doing their laundry, washing their dishes, etc, etc, and the cycle continues. I've tried to stop the cycle by giving them chores of cleaning up after themselves, but when they do try, they don't do it very well and that upsets me too...bc I still have to go behind them and do it over. I think I am being overly critical of them and I'm not sure why. Probably some underlying issue within me that I need to figure out. Right now I am staying home from Church just so I won't have to be around them. That's wrong on so many levels and the end result is I end up hurting myself, my husband and the kids. I'm not sure how to stop this cycle.
I understand how u feel. I
I understand how u feel. I have had that issue as well i tried giving her small things to do like at least clean the tub out after she takes a bath or at least let the water out of the tub but half the time she does not do it and i feel like i stress myself out trying to get her to do it so i just dont bother. And i dont clean when she is with us bc then she wants to join in and help. Which sounds good on paper. Lol. But when she starts to "help" clean then she wants to take charge and does things wrong and wont follow directions and half does stuff to where my job is bigger bc i have to clean up what she cleaned up. I dont feel resentful when i feel i have to go away but i feel it if i stay.
No, I don't feel like a bad
No, I don't feel like a bad person when I don't want to be around my ss. I am custodial stepmom, bm is totally uninvolved, ss7 is with me every day every month every year. There are times when I don't want to be around my husband, or my mother, or my sisters, or my best friend or my work colleagues, so why should my seven year old stepson be any different? I am an introvert and I need and enjoy time to myself. Children are emotionally and physically exhausting. There is nothing wrong with me. I do the best that I can and that's good enough for me.
I don't know that I ever felt
I don't know that I ever felt bad about feeling that way, but I certainly don't feel bad for not enjoying their company now. It's hard to enjoy being around them when you're constantly having to entertain and cater to every demand without any appreciation. It's harder too because we get them every weekend, so the couple days of downtime we should have are spent entertaining.
Step parents shouldn't feel
Step parents shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with children they didn't have or ask for. Even parents need a time out. Why do we put the pressure on ourselves? If you needed time away from any other person in your life (partner, parent, sibling, colleague, friend) you wouldn't feel guilty, so why feel guilty about needing time away from SKids?
I make a point of doing things minus SO and SKs, or just minus SKs. I need that normality, and I didn't sign up to sacrifice my life to them, I'm sacrificing more than enough, I claim my social life as my own! I even stay over at friends houses once in a while. They get a break from me and I get a break from them.
You don't need unconditional love to deserve a break. You deserve a break when you need one.
I dont feel badly. Feelings
I dont feel badly. Feelings are just feelings.
My boyfriend treats me differently when his son is around and when I mean differently, I mean completely ignores me.(he is trying to be a perfect dad, always trying to engage his 4 year old son in conversation, who sometimes just wants to stare out the window.) So yea, if I had a really bad day and need some adult time I prefer not to have his son around.
I know how you feel. My
I know how you feel. My boyfriends son is 2 in June. Bf trys to engage and socialize with his kid but hes 2 for Christ sakes he wants to play not talk. Bf tries to make us like a family :/ blahhhh.
I know how you feel -
I know how you feel - sometimes I start to laugh because the stuff he says or asks the 4 year old is just outrageous. I think, is there a hidden camera on me???? I feel like I am chasing my BF for a conversation and my bf is chasing his son... think - who is chasing me? NO ONE. Ouch....
Outrageous Deff comes to
Outrageous Deff comes to mind. Young kids need someone to get on the floor and play with them. Not carry on an adult conversation.
@ childlesssm I don't feel
@ childlesssm I don't feel bad for not wanting skid around. I make sure to tell my so I want alone time. Skids own bm. Never wants him and don't feel bad, so I don't either.