Clothes
hi
I am new to this kind of forum and reaching out.
Happy step mum to 4 wonderful children.
I don’t want this coming out the wrong way, because I am happy to do what I can for the kids. But is it typical to keep sending them to their mums in decent clothes, most of the time brand new, and for them to frequently come back in Clothes that are too small, even with home in the crotch area, socks from when they were babies, Tight underwear with threads hanging out??! It’s not always to that extreme, but if I see something like that I put it straight to recycle, or if it’s just to small but otherwise decent, I hand it over to someone who needs. I don’t mind things going back and forth of course, the clothes belong to the children. But anything new goes one way and never comes back?? We have asked at times and then get a bag back of stuff that’s too small. Then she says she doesn’t have anything, yet see pictures on Facebook while they are wearing just about everything I have bought them? I wouldn’t mind sometimes as they are kids and can get holes on the day etc. It’s just so frequent that I am constantly replacing everything! And I refuse to sent them back in clothes with holes or too small Or falling apart because I just think it’s not fair on them. They do have some of their older things in the cupboard, but will often chooose something new to wear back, and I don’t say anything to them because I don’t want to get them confused. They are still young(but old enough to dress themselves).
But I just don’t know if I have a right to complain so I’m brining it here!
Anyone had to deal with this before and any advice? Or do I just carry on as I am ?
Thanks in advance 
Seems like a common thing on
Seems like a common thing on here. I commend you for not wanting to send them back in too small clothes, that seems to be the solution for many people, but it seems kind of a tough solution for the kids.
Maybe, instead of buying new clothes, buy good thrift store or clearance clothes that you don't mind going back to their mother's? Lots of cheap underwear, socks, and clothes that don't cost much and can go back and forth. Maybe a few good items that you do pay more attention to and keep at your home if possible.
For me, clothes are not worth fighting over or putting the kids in the middle about - ie, "Don't wear that back to your mother's!!" is unfair to the kids.
fully agree about not
fully agree about not dragging the kids into it. I have never said anything to them.
Guess I don’t really mind them not wearing back exactly what I bought them, would just like of it was also something that fit and didn’t need replacing right away.
She will ask for things back on the odd occasion they were something new to this end which I will always wash iron etc and send back in a bag. We don’t askthat with individual outfits. But a few times she’s had nothing for going on holiday and we hand over all the new holiday outfits on the agreement we get some back, but then afterwards she keeps forgetting or can’t find! Sometimes it reappears a a year or so later, still in decent condition but too small??!
i don’t want to fall out or make an issue, I like to think she is just really disorganised! I have always been generous and bagged up clothes to stay at her end when she says she doesn’t have much. So I just hope she truly does appreciate.
i often buy things on eBay and always things on sale even for myself. (fashion changing so quickly etc so who cares about last months colour lol). I guess it is just frustrating to have to replace n a weekly basis.
I agree it’s not worth falling out. I guess I just wanted a rant because I can’t even afford to bu myself new clothes these days! :/
thanks for the advice
This. I've had to grab a few
This. I've had to grab a few thrift store things... With the exception of underwear... Those are always bought new so we're CONSTANTLY having to get more (UGH).
I mean just last weekend SD6 was sent back in size 18 Month shorts and 2T panties... She's a size 6/6x... SD10 was sent back in size 7 clothes... (thankfully I had some spare ones that needed to go back becuase her aunt had sent them on accident... So she is just going to go back in those) So those were trashed... Before it causes damage. Honestly I'm not even sure how she got those on in the first place. It's frustrating... So Tog is right. Grab some stuff from the thrift store.
With certain BMs this seems
With certain BMs this seems to be the norm. Unfortunately, if you're not willing to only send the kids back in the ratty clothes they wore when they came to your house, you could end up spending a lot of money on clothes that you'll never see again. I would suggest stocking up on decent used clothing that fits the skids. That way you won't go broke keeping the kids in clothes. Around here, I can find very nice, gently used clothing on Facebook marketplace groups and at garage sales and goodwill. Much of it is name brand stuff nicer than I would have bought new anyway.
Now, if even after you've been sending decent clothing back to BM's house for awhile the kids are still coming in too-small rags, you might need to consider that it's not an issue of BM not being willing/able to buy clothing, but rather she is selling the stuff or simply messing with you, and you may end up having to send the kids back in what they came in, but I'd certainly try another approach first.
Yep, that's what I did.
Yep, that's what I did. Garage sales, clearance racks and Goodwill. SS got packs of socks and underwear for every gift-giving occasion, lol. I enjoyed the bargain hunting, though, and he wasn't picky at all. Goodwill stores in wealthy areas are a treasure trove of nice kid clothes that have never been worn.
SS had so many clothes we couldn't even keep track of who bought what anymore. But BM here wasn't the type to send him in too small clothes anyway, it just didn't make sense for DH and BM to fight over him needing more clothes in once place or the other.
Oh tog redux, that’s how I want it to be! M thinking if I buy enough extra then it can hopefully go that way?
I have already started buying clothes in the sales to put away for Christmas! There will be plenty enough to take back to their mums too!
Think it’s good for kids to appreciate clothes as birthday and Christmas presents too and not take it for granted
Yep, I'd buy clothes for him
Yep, I'd buy clothes for him whenever I went anywhere with a clearance rack, and put them away for birthday and Christmas.
But again, I only had one, not picky stepson who didn't care what he put on, not 4! That's a lot. But buying cheap stuff can cut down on some of the cost.
Thankyou ndc! I’ll try the
Thankyou ndc! I’ll try the Facebook market place, never tried that before.
Yes I agree I really want to avoid sending them back n things I feel are not suitable, since i don’t agree with it and I would feel bad. And the two older ones are more aware now and have started telling me if things are not fitting and asking for ew clothes (they will ask for basic simple things they are not unreasonable).
Thankyou! I’m going to check out Facebook!
I fully agree about not
I fully agree about not dragging the kids into it. I have never said anything to them.
Guess I don’t really mind them not wearing back exactly what I bought them, would just like of it was also something that fit and didn’t need replacing right away.
She will ask for things back on the odd occasion they were something new to this end which I will always wash iron etc and send back in a bag. We don’t askthat with individual outfits. But a few times she’s had nothing for going on holiday and we hand over all the new holiday outfits on the agreement we get some back, but then afterwards she keeps forgetting or can’t find! Sometimes it reappears a a year or so later, still in decent condition but too small??!
i don’t want to fall out or make an issue, I like to think she is just really disorganised! I have always been generous and bagged up clothes to stay at her end when she says she doesn’t have much. So I just hope she truly does appreciate.
i often buy things on eBay and always things on sale even for myself. (fashion changing so quickly etc so who cares about last months colour lol). I guess it is just frustrating to have to replace n a weekly basis.
I agree it’s not worth falling out. I guess I just wanted a rant because I can’t even afford to bu myself new clothes these days! :/
thanks for the advice
Thankyou ndc! I’ll try the
Thankyou ndc! I’ll try the Facebook market place, never tried that before.
Yes I agree I really want to avoid sending them back n things I feel are not suitable, since i don’t agree with it and I would feel bad. And the two older ones are more aware now and have started telling me if things are not fitting and asking for ew clothes (they will ask for basic simple things they are not unreasonable).
Thankyou! I’m going to check out Facebook!
Oh tog redux, that’s how I
Oh tog redux, that’s how I want it to be! M thinking if I buy enough extra then it can hopefully go that way?
I have already started buying clothes in the sales to put away for Christmas! There will be plenty enough to take back to their mums too!
Think it’s good for kids to appreciate clothes as birthday and Christmas presents too and not take it for granted
I would keep the nice outfits
I would keep the nice outfits here, toss the too small stuff, and send SD back with 99 cent store flip flops or Walmart clearance $2 tees/shorts etc. Eventually, BM got tired of being vindictive, and now SD is a teen and moves her own clothes back and forth, and if I buy her something, like a swimsuit, she is responsible for not losing it.
Yes, I think I will take the
Yes, I think I will take the suggestions of stocking up on bargains and Facebook market etc.
And also keeping aside some nice clothes, maybe can keep a couple outfits in my wardrobe so I can produce them when needed without involving the kids... definitely as they get older I can scale it back when it becomes their own responsibility!!
thanks all
It's a common theme here -
It's a common theme here - and I can think of at least 2 BMs (1 i think was here ) who was caught selling the items from Dads house. ExH had the same issue when SD was little. The only way to solve it was to send her back in the stuff she came in.
A couple of options, in order
A couple of options, in order of personal preference:
1.) Keep clothes at your home and BM can keep clothes at hers. Nothing goes back and forth. Either BM is getting CS which should cover clothes or your DH has 50/50 custody where both parents should be stocked up.
2.) Send them back in cheap clothes, and/or non-public clothes like pajamas (if drop off is at night). You won't miss them, and if they are plain pajamas or clothes, they won't be worth BM's effort to sell or toss.
3.) Send the kids back in what BM sent them in. If the clothes are too small, have them change when they arrive and only change them back into the other clothes when they are leaving to go back to BM's.
This is a game. Either BM is doing this in order to get free clothes so she doesn't have to spend CS on the kids, or she's selling the clothes for cash. Or she's just a b***h and likes torturing you and her kids. The best way to win at this BS is to not play.
this might not work in every household, but ...
My SO and his ex equally share kid expenses. Of course, this works since their incomes are close to the same (she actually earns a bit more than him) but they agreed to split kid expenses 50/50. Custody/parenting time is also 50/50. SO and BM each keep receipts for kid expenses each month, and they settle up at the end of the month. That way, all clothes/shoes are shared expenses by both parents and neither one has to worry about what he/she paid for and what house it gets used at.
The only hiccup in this is that BM is not thrifty and sometimes spends more than we would on things for the kids. A few months ago there was a $300 receipt for underwear and bras at Victoria's Secret for a 14 year old. I thought that was crazy. After that, we agreed that all expenses over $100 had to be discussed with the other parent before spending. I've also started to do more shopping for the kids since I enjoy it and I'm a great bargain hunter so I save everyone money. BM also has a very hectic work schedule and more kids at her house (my SDs have half siblings there), so she is happy to have some help with the shopping for the bigger kids.