Childless but not childfree
I was reading through forums and read something that described exactly how I feel but have had a difficult time explaining. The person said it is very hard to be childless but not child free. I've tried to explain to my dh that it's hard taking on the stressors of being a parent but not getting the benefit of being a parent. I don't want children of my own for another year or two and want this time to have some freedom before having kids in the near future. I feel guilty every time I do something on a weekend or my myself because he never gets to do the same thing. I don't feel this way because of him, he never gets mad or upset, or even says anything about it. I can just feel his disappointment and then I feel guilty and it's hard to have a good time. He looks at it very simply as we're a family now and in his eyes I am a parent, but he doesn't understand the difference between a sm and a bm. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with them...I love my ss so much and he is one of the nicest, funniest, well behaved 6 year olds I have ever met. I just feel like I need this time to have to myself without the responsibility before I have my own kids. I don't think it's a DH problem, it's all in my head and I get that, but I still feel bad about it. Any tips about not beating yourself up over these things and how to explain this to dh without sounding like a jerk?
Sally, excellent article!
Sally, excellent article! Really really helpful. I have been in this step family set up for 3 years and tried to be super mum for the first 1.5 years. It was difficult to wiggle myself out of this role again when I had eventually burnt out. I think disengaging and setting boundaries in a diplomatic, non-nagging way is the best way to deal with this challenge. Read the stepmonster book, that will make you feel normal and less guilty.
Thanks! I have created that
Thanks! I have created that avatar after I was told I must go have fun instead of babysitting while on annual leave. Wohoooo!
Thanks for the article,
Thanks for the article, Sally!
I didn't have my four kids
I didn't have my four kids until I was in my thirties. I had a lot of fun in my twenties. A lot of fun. I think it makes me a better parent. I have friends who became parents as teens and they fell they missed out. I don't feel that way at all. Now I'm forty and I just love love love being a mom and all that it entails.
I tell my ex step kids that. I say, "Go to prom. Do the homecoming dance. Go to those football games in highschool. Then go have the college experience and stay in a dorm. Go to Springbreak beaches with your friends. Have those experiences that you are meant to have at all the stages of life!"
Your DH has a kid, you have
Your DH has a kid, you have chosen to wait, there is nothing to feel guilty about.
There is nothing wrong with you doing your own thing at times; think of it as leaving the boys to bond and do father/son things. Even intact families do not do everything together, all of the time.
I chose not to have children at all and my DH knew that I did not want to be a mother. He had absolutely no problem with me doing things on my own when he had his daughter. He was not looking for a replacement mom for her, or a replacement family. I did things with them, as well, I just didn't HAVE to. I think I had a pretty good balance.
There are different dynamics in step families, it's just a fact. Don't feel guilty about it.
IMHO you have nothing to feel
IMHO you have nothing to feel guilty about. So, stop it. Guilt falls between Gonorrhea and Syphilis in the dictionary and no one chooses or wants either of those. Guilt over a choice that is not illegal or does not exploit someone else is misplaced IMHO. Quit torturing yourself. Your DH isn't bothered by it, why should you be?
IMHO, When you are in a
IMHO, When you are in a family unit, even as a SM, you are part of the family and the Skid is too. That means that you will do some things as a family for sure.
However, I don't agree that every activity and moment needs to be attended by the whole family! Certainly, people have different interests and demands on their time and there is no reason why you can't do your own thing sometimes.
Of course, if it's getting to the point that you are always doing your own thing and never spending time with DH and SK, then I'm not sure I would want to be in a relationship like that. But, to each their own. As long as DH isn't bothered and you aren't evil step momming the skid then I don't see a problem. Now if you do a 100% about face when you DO have your own Bio child and expect the whole family to do everything together, I think that's unfair.
Your situation is a lot like
Your situation is a lot like mine. No kids of my own and waiting awhile longer to have a kid of my own, until I am in a batter financial and mental place. Unlike DH and BM, I believe in planning for children and waiting until I can provide for them fully. Anyway...
Sometimes when I want a "day off" from the skids, I feel guilty, because they are my family. No, they aren't my bio kids, but they are at my house, I take care of them as I do my nieces and nephews and they matter to me... but not in that unconditional way that they matter to DH. For example, SS was teased recently on the playground and it tore DH up inside for like... 2 weeks straight. I felt bad for about 15 minutes. He isn't my kid, I can't possibly have the same love for him as DH. I tried sooo hard to get there but I can't.
I make sure to do stuff "as a family" but I am remembering to stand up for myself and my right to have free time. It is a weird dynamic but, as the people on this website are helping me to realize, it is so important to stay true to yourself and take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up, enjoy your last couple years without kids.
It is important to do what
It is important to do what makes you happy in life!! He may come to terms with it, he may not.I am a child-free stepmom as well, nor do I have any interest of having kids of my own. My SO gets disheartened as well when I carve out time for me as well, but he has gotten more understanding over time. It is all about maintaining a balance.
I'm sure you've heard the whole spiel, "you knew what you were getting into!"
Well, I firmly believe that can be applied in the opposite way! He knew who you were and what kind of life you were living beforehand, he knew what he was getting into! You have every right to enjoy yourself before you commit to having children of your own, so long as there is a good balance of "family time" and "free time" he will get more comfy with it.
I live with by boyfriend and his 3 kids. I feel like he is empty
I live with by boyfriend and his 3 kids. I feel like he is empty and lack of energy for me when his kids are around. It's like he is in another world mentally and when I mention it he just discard my feelings and say that I'm dramatic
I'd be inclined to just leave
I'd be inclined to just leave him to it when his kids are there. Go and do fun things with friends - things you never have the time to do. If he hasn't the time for you when they're there, why should you have the time for him?
Gaslighting is not an unusual
Gaslighting is not an unusual behavior in failed prior family breeders that worship their spawn over their mate.
Move on. Do not let this become your life.
Move on.
Guilt is a choice. You have
Guilt is a choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your SO is the one who brought a child to your relationship. His perspective that he and his children, and your, are a family is not accurate until you say it is accurate.
Like you, I am a non breeding parent. I met my incredible bride when her son was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. When I asked my bride to marry me, I had already chosen to raise her son as my own. I would not agree to be a parent without the benefits of being a parent. Regardless of what anyone had to say about it. So, I have always been his dad. I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy). I was fortunate. His mom made me his dad, she supported me being his dad, and she and I raised him together as our top marital responsibility. The courts would of course never agree that I was a party to the Custody/Visitation/Support case that my wife and I fought against the toxic and shallow SpermClan end of my son's gene pool, but no one in real life ever questioned that I was his dad. Not doctors, not airlines, not his schools and teachers, no one.
So, if you are taking the actions of being your SS's parent, take the benefits along with it.
I did.
When he was 22yo my SS-28 asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. So, being a childless but not child free parent, does not mean that you cannot take every benefit that goes along with being a parent.
At is worked out, our son is an only child in our family. Though genetically he is not mine, I am and always have been his dad. The only REAL dad he has ever had. But that... as the saying goes.... is another story for another post.
You have a choice to make. Be a parent, or not. Having a prefix on your flavor of being a parent really does not matter. If you cannot be an all in partner to your DH now, don't have kids with him.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and take care of you.