"Breaking up" with stepkids?
I think I'm getting to the point where I feel like it may be time for me to move on and accept that there may be no future with my SO and his young kids. We don't see eye to eye on so many things and lately all we do is argue. Moving on would involve me moving out since we live together and just the other day SO asked me how we should go about telling his kids. I don't want to be insensitive but I feel like that's not really my problem. I love the kids and they love me which is a big reason why I've tried to stick through the lows in the relationship but I'm starting to wrap my head around the fact that if I'm miserable, I'm not going to enjoy a happy life and have a happy, healthy relationship. But him asking me how we should break it to his kids if/when we do decide it best to separate, kind of pissed me off...mostly because I feel like he's a big reason why I'm miserable and doesn't give me the things I need in a relationship. In my head I'm screaming, "wtf? I don't know! This is your fault and your problem to deal with this!" But that's just my inner voice being extremely dramatic.
Thoughts on this situation? Can anyone help me see it from his point of view because my reasoning is a bit clouded and biased for multiple reasons.
If you made your mind up that
If you made your mind up that SO is the problem and not the children, you are doing the right thing by ending it.
You are not married, so this whole thing about " How are we going to tell the kids" will cause me to laugh and I will tell him: That is your problem not mine - tell them any way you want..... and remember to mention you caused this, not them.....
then walk away....
your SO is trying to make you the bad guy, so if you tell the children, he can always say behind your back = see I wold you she's a terrible woman!!!!
Yes, not your monkey, not
Yes, not your monkey, not your circus....his problem totally.
If you are breaking up you
If you are breaking up you two are no longer a couple. You are no longer involved in the children's lives, there is no need for you to be involved in this mini therapy session. It is your stbex's way once more of trying to make you their parent. Soon he will be on his own again, so he needs to start doing these things on his own again. Does he expect you to stay in touch with the children when you break up? It sounds like he might. Be clear with him. Tell him no, I am not their parent, I am not responsible for these children, soon I will never see these kids again and I will be happy about it.
You don't mention the ages of
You don't mention the ages of the kids but since you say you have mutual love for each other, I agree that you should say something to them, especially if they are young. Maybe the dad doesn't deserve your help and input here but the kids do. They didn't ask for any of this and if you just disappear one day, you've left them with no closure.
I'm kind of appalled sometimes reading how heartless some comments are. I think people need to sometimes take a step back from their own personal anger before responding to someone else's dilemma. Everyone's situation is unique. You may have adult skids that are a problem in your life and you're giving advice to someone with skids that are children. You can't say they are the same situations that require the same answer.
I'm not judging and I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, I'm all for standing up for yourself if your skids are walking all over you. Just taken aback by how strong some reactions are. Everyone here has gone into a relationship knowing their were skids involved. Obviously not everyone knew how life would progress but we all have a degree of responsibility for being in the situations we are in.
apologies if anyone finds this offensive, again, I'm not judging.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your reply. I would only have a conversation like this for the kids sake, not for SO. I'm not in the business of crushing little hearts that have already seen divorce and seperation. Even so, I have no idea what I would say as having a SO with kids has been something so new and different and filled with its own unique challenges. Thank you for your perspective, Jules! xo
I would leave it up to him to
I would leave it up to him to tell them you are breaking up, but be present so he can't bash you. And then just talk to them one on one and tell them that you are sorry if this makes them sad but it doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about them. Reassure them it's not their fault. I think it will actually make you feel better in the long run.
Yeah if it were up to my
Yeah if it were up to my brain, I'd go with the "this is your fault, your problem" route but I tend to lead with the heart and wouldn't want them to be confused or hurt.