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Always looking to escape

pengu66's picture

Been a stepmom for 8 long horrible years now. 8 years of hating everything to do with the skids. They live with us full time. BM is a useless joke. Never ever stepped up to be a parent.  They used to see her every other weekend but that stopped when SD finally came to the realization that BM is a shitty mom. But that's now changing. Again. SD now wants to be a Boy and wants to change their name legally. But they need parental signatures to do so.   So SD had to reach out to BM to get permission and now they're talking again and they want to forgive BM for all the many many years of neglect.  And now ...the only relatable common aspect that we shared.  And yes.  That was the ONLY thing we had in common was the mutual hatred for BM is gone.  And I'm back to my original hatred for this skid. I feel betrayed but yet I never had any real relationship with her.  I did try in the beginning, but gave up when I realized what a thankless ungrateful all knowing Bitch she really was. Can't stand her.  Never got attached to either skid.  Kept my distant and did the bare minimum when it came to talking to them. I can't even make eye contact with the skids.  I feel it's too vulnerable and intimate and I won't share that level of I time with them. I don't accept them as my skids. I don't accept them as family. If anything was to happen to my hubby (dog forbid) I would walk away and never ever look back at them. 
 

the problem is tho....I have an amazing kind hearted hard working fantastic husband.  Who loves his kids (which I don't personally get) and I feel so torn!   Like SO torn.  Literally half of me wants to spend the whole day working, making the day drag on forever just so I don't have to go home. But the other literal half wants to spend time with him. See my hubby. Spend quality time snuggling to talking or laughing together. I hate wanting him to choose between us.  I can't ask that of him.  But I hate seeing him give those bratty disrespectful POS kids any attention.  I hate the sound of their voices.  I count the days for when they do go away.  I hate fighting with my hubby about this.  I can't help how I feel about them.  They've made my life almost unbearable for 8 long years and I can't hold back the attitude any longer.  Everytime SD opens their mouth. I just want to say something so rude and ignorant to make them go away.  I tone down my rage A LOT.  I bite my tongue all the time with the stupid shit that comes outta their face. I hate the fact that I'll always have to hear about BM (who's a self proclaimed victim of everything/everyone and uses drugs to cope with all "life's hardships", useless POS who never raised the kids and never worked)  I'm just so angry to be in this situation.  I feel so alone and it's so nice to hear that I'm not.  That others feel the same way.  That you also never attached to the skids and feel no connection to them either.   I hate them.  And wish my hubby was a worse guy so I could leave him without a glance back.  But he's the best guy I ever met.  Who just happens to have the shittest kids and who live with us all the time.  I don't know what to do.  Sometimes I jus want to runaway. 

JRI's picture

I see you've been a member for awhile but I dont recall you posting but you're definitely in the right place here.  Your SS is launched, right?  So, at least you're down to one.

We, too, had the non-working absentee BM so all 3 SKs lived here after the initial 4 years of visitation hell.  I went thru phases of liking and hating the SKs altho OSS was an exception.  I ended up disengaged from YSS.  SD was always and still is a major crazy, thieving manipulative liar who has moved in and out of here 4 or 5 times over the years but never again.

Have you ever considered counseling?  At one point, I was so depressed by the constant presence of the SKs and all their issues.  We had major turmoil here and, I realize now, DH was probably torn and also had BM constantly harping on him.  I couldn't see any alternative to leaving and putting my 2 bios thru more trauma.  I went to counseling as a last ditch effort.  I felt like DH and I were so happy together, aside from the kid issue,  and just hated to lose him.

Counseling changed my life and helped me find my way.  Step-parenting is just so very hard.  Thinking of you and hoping for your best possible outcome.

  

 

pengu66's picture

I have been a member for quite a while now. And never posted because I always felt like more of a "monster" than the rest of the group, because of my unbridled hatred for them. Please don't take that the wrong way or that I'm calling anyone on here "monsters". It's just, how do you feel like you're NOT the bad guy, when you can carry all this hate in your heart for someone else? 
 

And I WISH the other SK was gone.  Nope. He's still here. 20yrs old.  Smoke dope and plays video games ALL THE TIME but has a part time job and we soak him for rent money or what we can.  And I'll give him this, he does help out with the dogs when asked or other small things.  But that's about all the credit I can honestly give him.  Does he do things on his own initiative.......never.   And then there's the SD....the one who I literally cannot stand.  It's to the point now, where I have to completely ignore their existence for me to cope everyday. They walk into the room, and I quickly finish up or just ignore them all together. We don't talk, and if we have too, I don't respond because I'm literally afraid I will explode on them in a nuclear way. This has been going on for months and months. I now spend every moment I can in my garage with the dogs. I'm thinking of putting a TV out there but then I feel like she wins.  Wins everything. Time with my husband. Time doing what they want. Free to walk around and be annoying as always. And when I am inside. They hide in their room. Which is perfect!!! I can't take it.  I can't take this existence anymore. I've had 2 sessions with a therapist and feel judged by her. She literally told me,"  I'm surprised your husband doesn't resent you yet. ".  
like Bitch....you try to take on someone else's kids that you don't love or even like, and have an abundance of patience and understanding.   Try having patience or empathy with someone that you literally hate.     Try it.   See how long you can do that for.  And then do that for 9 years.  I'm literally hiding everyday.  I'm literally dreading walking out of room.  I turn the volume up way loud when I can hear their voice.  I do everything humanly possible to contain all this rage and everything triggers me about them.  Everything!!!!!!!!  I'm so done.  I want out but I don't want to lose my best friend. My partner in life over some shitty no good, useless disrespectful POS like them.   I hate that he's now resorting to doing everything for them.   All their chores, he now does.  Because he's overcompensating for my complete lack of interest in their lives and them.  I hate that he lets them get away with being lazy useless assholes and wants to do everything for himself.  I hate that they're here all the time, and yet feel so much guilt because I know SD would move out today if they could, because of me, and that would make my hubby feel sad.    There is SO much conflicting emotions.   I hate tiptoeing around in my life and playing this everyday game of "how to avoid that ugly face" 

I am so so so so pissed off.   I am so bitter and resentful.  I read all these posts from new stepmoms about how they feel if they had to have the kids full time. And this is it.  That's where I'm at.  I'm there. I used to Look SO forward to them going away EO weekend.  That was my break. My mini vacation. My happy place.  And the Hubble would pop so sourly that Sunday when we had to pick them up.   Now there's no break.   I work out of my home.  And I want to make their lives as miserable as they've made mine. 

reedle2021's picture

This situation sounds similar to my previous situation.  I ignored my ex SS completely.  I hated him, couldn't stand to look at him - I had disengaged and then some.  He was 21 and played video games all day, smoked pot, just straight up lazy and my husband allowed it.  I left. 

You're not the bad guy.  You're not the one who has kids who are clearly a&&holes and not parented.  Your feelings are normal.  But, the situation is unlikely to change.  Even if my ex husband had been nice, I would've left because I couldn't stand living with the manchild.  He strutted around my house and just acted like he owned the place when I was the one paying for everything and working a 40+ hr work week while he and his daddy sat on their asses smoking pot all day.  The resentment will likely build.  I know you love your husband but his kids will always be a factor....

I have been in counseling since leaving my ex husband.  I think you need a different counselor.  Some people, professionals included, just don't understand what it is like to be a step parent.  They don't get it and so they judge.  They assume we should love the skids like our own and as I have said a million times, that just isn't nature's way.  My counselor has not talked about herself much but did nod vigorously in agreement and say, "I understand, I am a step parent" when I was telling her about manchild.  I would have been pissed if she judged me for feeling the way I felt. 

Oh, and I would not put a TV in the garage.  Take up YOUR space and use it how you want.  If they run to their rooms when you're in the living room, GOOD.  Let them stew in their rooms.  If I were you, I would not let them win. 

Hang in there.... we're here for you...

**HUGS**

CLove's picture

When she lived with us up until 18 and graduate high school. She left all her funk behind in her room, which I didnt touch for 7 months.

I would hate the sound of her footsteps. Her voice, demanding something, her stupid laugh. Her looks as her eyes rolled at something I said or SD16.5 said. How her father catered and coddled her.

RoundIGo's picture

I feel for you greatly because I am you. It could have been me writing your post. My two teenage stepchildren are enmeshed with their lazy, high conflict, verbally abusive mother and are nothing but passive aggressive towards me. Eow they are here I absolutely dread their arrival, am anxious at their presence and the depression sets in that things aren't changing when they leave. Because it's always the same... DH and I will end up in conflict over some kind of drama they start. Ss17 is failing 2 classes this junior year, bm needed an advance of 200 dollars so we pretty much know her jobless behind is running out of money. I am terrified bm will have to move in with her family, and that the kids will have to come here. My marriage won't survive that. His guilt parenting is infuriating and the triggers are through the roof for me. It's not good for my mental health. In my case DH is pretty awesome otherwise, so it is tearing me apart. All to say you're not alone!

Steppedout22's picture

SAME!!!! It is so hard. I really thought I could handle this when I got with DH but now I'm not sure. I had no idea things would be so messed up and difficult.

Yesterdays's picture

I can relate to this. My step daughter was so rude and bratty all the time. Age 14. My hubby never seemed to notice which I found absurd. I ran around in circles trying to figure out what to do. I talked to my partner about it, telling him that if he notices HE needs to say something. But then he never did..

Her bratty and rude comments need to stop. They need to know its not ok to act so rudely to you and in your home. If she says something rude and your husband is around give a glance and see if he noticed what she said. There's a tactic some people on here use and it's to reply to the comment with "Whats that? Please repeat what you just said."  It calls them out and puts the focus on the inappropriate comment. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it.  It would be nice if they had their mom to go to for visitation to give you a break.. generally kids shouldn't get to declline it.. but if mom is a danger.. then I can see allowing it.

It's tough.. but we do need to remember that kids generally are almost always going to have that bond with a bio parent that they don't have with a step.  It can be hurtful to pour effort and emotion into kids only to have them turn their back.. or obviously care about a parent.. esp one you don't see as a "good" one.

I would say that your husband may be wonderful to you... and he may love his kids.. but if they have behavioral issues.. then that is at his doorstep too.. he needs to be correcting and working with his kids to be the kind of people that people like... that he hasn't ... hasn't helped his kids be better people?  that IS on him too.  you can love someone, provide for them.. but not be an effective parent.. that sounds like it may be where he falls.. good at the good stuff.. not great at the hard stuff.

TrueNorth77's picture

I want to run away at least once a month. If we had full custody I probably would have done it by now. I actually sometimes like skids, I just hate all that comes with skids- it's literally ALWAYS SOMETHING.  I get no joy from them, and I have no idea why people choose to have kids. I don't see the positives. It is so freaking stressful, I don't see DH getting joy either, although I know he loves them. I always make plans the weeks we have skids to get away from them. When possible, I plan all trips to visit friends, work trips, literally everything to fall on weeks we have skids so I can enjoy my time with DH and avoid the mess. I feel like my sweet spot as a SM is going to be when they are about 23 or so and we can have a drink and they don't need parenting. 

I feel you. I have a countdown app on my phone for each skid, which makes me feel better or worse depending on the day. 

Rags's picture

They own you.  Due to the space in your head you allow them to consume.

For your marriage to survive,  you need to get them out of your head.  Get past the emotional response and start using your head to manage the situation.  Focus on their behaviors and not your fee fees.  Set standards of behavior and performance that  you will mandate of kids in  your home.   Then enforce them with consistency.  If htey choose to deviate from the standards, they live the consequences. Suffering the consequences is their choice.

Of course you discuss these with DH. 

If you cannot get them out of your head, you are doing yourself and your DH a disservice.

Good luck.

Jules78's picture

Your post really spoke to me. What a nightmare. I am currently living in a hotel until my SO kicks out my SD21. Apparently its happening today.. We will see I guess. But I have been in my Skids lives for 8 years as well. They both live with us full time and my SS18 is actually pretty great. Kind and respectful. No real issues with him, other then a bit of laziness. But the SD21 is a raging lunatic. Rude, disrespectful, entitled, bossy. You name it.

I feel like I am making my SO choose too in a way. But I need to start choosing myself and my own sanity. Sounds like you are right there as well. There is no reason we should be forced to deal with this insane behavior, in our homes. Hang in there.

alwayslast1978's picture

I dont get the spell bio kids have on their parents.  My wife teaches kids her sons age and would never put up with behavior like his at work.  She deals wirh SD 12 the way I would and she is ok.  Her sonis 8 and acts 3 and is beyond obnoxios. At least he goes half the time, I would be gone if he was here full time.

Steppedout22's picture

I could not relate to this more. BM is same as yours, always a victim, never works or watches her kids, but she can do no wrong in skids eyes. I cannot express how much I relate to your feelings of wanting skids gone so it's just you and Husband, or wishing you could leave but loving your husband too much to do it. I totally feel you on all of this. You are definitely not alone. It's torture and I wish I had a good solution for you but I don't. I'm on here like everyone else just trying to find a way to cope so that I'm not so completely miserable and angry all the time. Sorry you have to go through this. Step parenting is garbage.

Pmaaad's picture

I felt like this for a while with my 3 Ssons. I had a few realisations that helped me come through the otherside

- I am the adult, allowing a child to impact my behaviour and emotions..

- I don't have to love or even like them, but I am part responsible for providing a safe environment, this men's psychologically as well. Kids know when they're treated differently and not liked and polrobably share the same nerves and distain knowing you'll be around.

- their dad chose to be with me, they did not. I have to prove myself as a safe and respectful person to them in everyway and that could take years. 

- if I don't like them, they are under no obligation to like me.

- I am choosing to stay without changing my impact/perspective that means I would be continuing to choose my unhappiness.

- no child is going to give you respect if you make no genuine effort to attune to them. Understand their wants, needs, likes, friends, hobbies, triggers etc.

And finally,

- I really love my partner and they really love their children. My partner deserves someone who accepts their life and family as much as possible and if I can't do that, they deserve to be part of this discussion and find oneone who better suits their lifestyle. Otherwise, I am selfish to hold into a relationship with one adult, but disregard the children attached.