All the work - none of the reward
I'm new here, really struggling lately. My SS13 was dropped at our door about 2.5 years ago after BM had taken him out of state to live for several months (long story). When he first came we were still dating - H was moving in with me that weekend - SS was with us full time - inconsistent visits with mom due to her homelessness and drug use. She"s now "doing better", had him half time for several months and now seems to be trying for more. My H is often out of town during the week for work, so I get it - but.... The thing that makes me so scared/mad.... for the last 2.5 years I have done EVERYTHING- I'm the one making sure he has what he needs, eats healthy, learns manners, gets signed up for sports, meets friends, I go to conferences and communicate with teachers. Even when he's with her he's texting me asking about his school schedule because I'm the only one who ever knows. Neither she or her fiancé work (she gets disability - they both have felony records) I still do everything. He has to go to school in our district because they've had to move so much. SS and I bonded right away and have always been close.
But, at her house there are no rules, no chores, just fun. They even travel with him more (can't pay back money they owe us - but can take him out to have fun). Lately I feel like I'm losing him. We have expectations, when he comes home I have to push him to get caught up on schoolwork because she doesn't. He has minimal chores, we don't let him swear, he has to eat in the kitchen and have more than just sugar cereal. We don't have as much time to do all the fun things because we have jobs! And, I'm not his mom. I'm almost 45 and he's probably the only child I'll ever have. I'm just heartbroken. I know she's his mom and that needs to be honored no matter what kind of sh@t show she is, he will love her. I know he's 13 and the back-talk is normal. I feel like it's harder though because he has that fun mom to go back to. Why on earth would he want to be here or spend time with us? I do everything, have been with him when she's been in jail, or too high to come get him. I've been secure in my relationship with him for a long time, but with everything I do I still always seem to be the problem- I'm the reason my H won't just do what BM says, I'm the one making all rules at our house. I'm really starting to feel the loss of not having a child who will only call me mom.
I need to say my H is extremely supportive of me and knows and appreciates what I do. But with 50/50 custody and no reason (no proof) to argue the custody arrangement, there isn't much he can do either.
if anyone got to the end of this thanks for listening... it's so hard to find anyone who could really understand the position Im in. Love the little sh@thead, and don't do all this to get recognition, but I got that taste of being a parent and I feel like at anytime it can be taken away. Ugh.
SD14 Munchkin
Im afraid that this will happen to me too. I am helping with all school-related things, because she was failing at the distance learning. I took her to parks, I am the one the school nurse calls because I always answer, and she has told me Im more of a mother than her bio mother is.
But not having my own bios its a small consolation. However she is kind and sweet and respectful and thats all I can really ask for...
I hear you
Slightly different situation here. BM let each of her 3 kids move in here over a 9-month period. Presto chango, I was suddenly the mother of 5 instead of 2. I won't go into what all it entailed, just imagine 5 kids all about the same age here, a busy DH with a demanding job and BM seldom seeing the kids. Thank God I was in counseling because nobody else seemed to realize I was only hanging on by my fingernails. I always knew I was just the SM and they pined for BM. Sigh.
Hang in there. Your SS seems to care about you and he needs you. The people on this site understand, it's hard. Good luck, BusySM.
Drag her ass to court for
Drag her ass to court for failure to repay what she owes you! Don't stop until she either repays or disappears.
Either way.... you, DH, and SS win.
Ha! H would never... $ was
Ha! H would never... $ was for security deposit for apt. SS does better when BM is stable - so $ was "for him".
I feel for you. It is hard
I feel for you. It is hard when they pull away. Don't beat yourself up. It's normal for teenagers in general to pull away from thier parents.
SS will always appreciate you and everything you have done for him. He just won't realize it until he is older.
This is the danger of getting
This is the danger of getting attached to stepkids, especially those with dysfunctional mothers. Those mothers always, always rear their heads again and affect your relationship in some way.
Honestly, I'd advise that since you are the only one doing the hard work, you let your husband know that either he gets a local job and takes over parenting, or he gives BM more time, but you are out. At some point, your good parenting will become the reason SS refuses to come over and you will be blamed for being a big mean ogre rather than loved for being a caring parent. Cut the cord now.
Sorry for you
But you must understand this is how life rolls. SM. Ie SP have no bond with SK. The bio parents have the bond.
The age he is.. lots of this
The age he is.. lots of this is typical.. and it's really not unusual for a kid who has had an absent parent over time.. to crave their time and attention.. despite the fact that he was getting love and care from you and your DH.
The bottom line is that you did a good thing for him and your husband. You stepped into his life for him.. and despite the "teenage" attitude.. he is likely to look back and appreciate that you were trying to help him stay on the right track.
the area that is toughest to manage is our expectations that the Skids should be "grateful" for our work and effort. The thing is that we are really doing their parent's job.. so it is the parent that should be displaying gratefulness... I mean.. yes.. a kid might say "thanks for the ride to Tommy's house".. but kids generally come from a place where they kind of expect their parents take care of them. Most kids aren't so self aware to thank their parents for everything done and provided.. I don't recall doing it.. all the time.. maybe for more special efforts.. but never turned on a light and said. "dad.. thanks for working all day so that I could flip this switch kind of thing.
Yes... it would be nice if your SO could work locally.. but sometimes I understand that isn't a realistic option depending upon what they do for a living.
I know it hurts to see him so happy with someone that caused so much stress for everyone.. but I do thing you and his dad are doing the right thing by having expectations.