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Advice needed

acpro's picture

Hello, first time posting here! Just looking for some advice or validation, or a little of both.

It's hard to even know where to start...

So my stepson (11yo) is difficult to live with. Before we all moved in together, my SO and I were doing really well and I had some exposure to SS, but nothing seemed too out of the norm. I knew he had some trauma hx as biomom has been incarcerated since he was 3yo for being a sex offender (not on this kiddo, but a neighbor kid). My SO has been a single parent for this entire time. Now that the dynamic has changed, with them coming into my home to live, there are other expectations that SS has, such as cleaning up after himself and having a bedtime, which were never enforced prior to conversations my SO and I have had since they have moved in. SS has difficulties following through with expectations and I am often left to remind him to do these things when I get home from work as I am home some days before my SO and work on days that he does not. I have had many conversations with SO about reinforcing these expectations. He does, sometimes, but then when we talk about it (repeatedly) he says he has a lot of guilt in telling him "no" or holding him accountable because he has been an only parent for so long. I know there are some attachment issues and SS will interrupt us often to tell his dad that he loves him. SS will say this 5-7 times in a span of 15-20min, and does so regularly. He is also really preoccupied with having his dad tell him when his dad goes to bed. He will knock on our bedroom door at least twice each night to check in and see if he is going to bed yet. 

There have been some improvements with SS, like less attitude towards me and using phrases to ask permission for things, rather than demanding them. I have talked with my SO about feeling the need to have seen more changes, they have been in the home for almost 7mos now, and I don't think it is unrealistic to think that I should not be having to remind him to clean up every time after he is done eating or if he spills and makes a mess. But my SO makes excuses like it has not been enough time to change his patterns of bx. I feel like, at times, I am the only one reinforcing this, which we have seen more progress when his dad does reinforce the changes in the home. I am just not sure what else to do.

SS is also very loud, he is an only child, and because his dad has worked full time to provide for him, SS is often occupied with video games, and will yell or get mad (typical "gamer" bx I suppose). He is also just a loud talker in general. SO and I have talked about volume control for him and getting him involved in other activities outside of the home. But because of the dynamics between SO and SS I am just feeling defeated a lot of the time. SO will often fight with me to defend SS because he feels as though I am attacking, when I am offering suggestions or trying to express myself in regards to how I feel about parenting his child. He calls me "strict" and that I need to relax, but I feel as though it is disrespectful to leave the kitchen a mess when it has been repeatedly stated to clean up after himself almost every day for 7mos.

Oh, my SO also does everything for this kiddo, he even cleans his room for him. I am beginning to feel a lot of resentment because I feel like I am doing a lot of the work that will set this kid up for success while his dad just gets to have conversation and a good time with him. I feel like I am constantly getting on SS for small things, when I think this should really be his dad's job. I wish I could have some fun with him and build an actual relationship with him, but every time I interact with him I feel like it is negative because I am telling him something else he needs to do. When this is literally the only expectation/responsibility we have for him besides having a bed time. Am I out of line? Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

JRI's picture

I agree that the boy has had a traumatic stsrt but your real problem is your SO.  If you are new here, search Disney dad, many members have partners who overindulge their kids, in material things and behavior expectations, out of guilt.  Nothing will change, probably get worse, inless your SO starts acting like a real dad.  That means letting the boy know whats expected, stating consequences for non-compliance, and most importantly, following through consistently.

Now I'm going to give you some pessimistic comments, acpro.  First, nothing you can say to the boy will do any good, it has to come from dad.  Second, the number of Disney dad's who reform is low.  You've already discussed this with your SO with little success.  What often happens is that the dad starts to resent the discussion of the child's behavior, " You just don't like him".

You will be the one to decide whether you want to continue on this path.  Many of us step-parents disengage.  That means doing nothing with or for the child other than being polite and civil.  Dad cleans up all messes, cooks for son, all hygiene, etc.  Sometimes this is enough to wake up dad.  You can also search disengagement on here.

Good luck, many of us have gone thru and are going thru similar situstions.

acpro's picture

JRI, Oh my gosh, yes, he has said that I don't like his kid. I looked at the tags Disney Dad and Disengagement and really appreciate the recommendation. It is so helpful to know other people's experiences with this and helps me not feel so alone, normalizing my experience. Just sucks that there is little to look forward to in the coming years, if I decide to stay. 

Thank you so much!

tog redux's picture

So, YOU want him to parent differently, but he doesn't see the need to. He's fine with his kid being messy and loud and annoying, he's not thinking of the kid's future success, he's thinking of his own need to not feel guilty and to be his kid's pal. You being the heavy long-term simply won't work. The kid will begin to rebel and when he runs to his father, he will have support there.

Generally, the better approach is to leave parenting to your SO, but let him know what you can and can't live with in your home. If that's a messy kitchen, then let him know that, and if he chooses to clean it rather than make the Prince do it, then so be it.   You can't be the only adult who wants the kid to succeed.

Lots of people on here manage it this way, but personally, I'd kick him and his kid to the curb. I couldn't live long-term with soemone who was a lousy parent and who cared more about babying his kid than he did about my feelings and needs.

acpro's picture

tog redux, Thank you for your response. It really has me thinking if this is something I am willing to tolerate for the rest of my life, or if I need to consider other options. I have thought about disengagement, and read a lot about it here since my posting, but I am not sure my ability to disengage. I think his bxs are disrespectful to me/my home and I am not sure that I would not be able to say anything to SS when it is happening.

Definitely feeling invalidated by my SO when it comes to these conversations. In fact, this morning, SS peed all over the toilet and floor with no care to clean up after himself. When I talked with SO about it, he said said all I do is complain about his kid. Ouch. This kid is 11yo! He should not be having potty issues, or at least have the ability to clean up after himself. 

Thank you again for your response!

tog redux's picture

See with disengagement, you say - "SO, SS peed on the floor, please clean it up."

I met my DH when SS was 10, DH bought the house we now live in when he was 11 - and SS never once peed on the floor, left the toilet seat up, or left his towel on the floor. Why? DH parented him.

I'd have no patience for these Disney dads. Parent your dang kid.