You are here

20 yrs and Double Standard Still Irksome

Piper's picture

Piping in....

So, no bio children of my own. 20 years in and while there are SD issues at times which can wreck me emotionally (4 adult SKs total), I'd say the toughest part of not having bio kids is:

1. feeling that I don't belong or fit in completely (the blood connection)
2. feeling much less important
3. double standards

Tonight, I am writing about #3. Double standards. No matter how many years of marriage, no matter the age of the "children" .... even 30s and 40s.... if the "kids" call,
DH gets up from dinner, in the middle of a movie he picks (tells me to go ahead and watch it), will change plans, etc. The feeling of they always come first. The Double
Standard is, if a member of my family calls and I take the call during a similar situation .... I have heard and hear how that left him hanging .... never changes. This is not all about not
having bio kids, it is DH's behavior toward me, too. But they will always be priority number one. I get it. I understand it .... now I do.

In an Adult Stepchildren post, someone recently asked "Does it Ever Get Better." It depends, is my answer. Some things do. Some things don't. I thought the above types of feelings
would abate when the kids became adults, but no. So, to those who are considering marrying someone with kids and not having your own children.... well, even then... please be respectful
of your early gut feelings of not fitting in or belonging, especially if they are continual. For those "veterans" out there, I am sure you get my drift. I just needed to vent a little this evening.
Thanks for reading/listening.

Piper

CANYOUHELP's picture

You are right Piper, if there is even one tiny red flag indicating that you are being excluded on purpose--go with that belief before you marry, etc. Do not rule it out as your own selfishness. Many of us did and many of us live with this mess on a continual basis because we have husbands who are buddies rather than fathers to anybody. The red flags are real and they are only the beginning of how you will be treated in the future.

notasm3's picture

Your problem is that you are married to a self-centered ass who doesn't look past what his wants and needs are.

I am a child free woman who has been married a little less than a decade - so much less time than you. As I was single for many, many years before DH I had my life pretty mapped out. From my perspective DH needed to fit into MY life not me into his.

If my DH had put his adult sons ahead of me I'd have dismissed him way early on. I learned that lesson when I was still in my late 20s. A long-term (4 year) boyfriend put his parents above me. It was almost like dating a married man. If they called he would dump all plans with me.

Treating me like that doesn't not fly with me.

oneoffour's picture

Repeat after me ... There is nothing wrong with being the Bad Guy. They get the best lines.

If you are being absolutely true to yourself then continue as you are. If you take a family call "It is family. Just like you have your family I have mine." He is left hanging... what is he..5? He cannot do anything without you?

Acratopotes's picture

Piper - your husband is an idiot.... I would encourage my family to call me during movie or dinner time and I will take the call, let DH dare to say anything.... he will get it when he does the same....

Simply tell your DH - you have adult children not minor children, thus if you do this again you will see a side of me you have never met before, and Hon then let your inner bitch come out and rip into him.

alternatively - ignore him, do what you want, go on outings, if he wants to change his plans, go alone.... simply tell him you do not have children, when he married you he knew this, and you do not have children cause you do not want to jump every time a adult child calls...