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16-Year old from hell

Ronin1990's picture

Just found this site. I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who is older than me and has two teenage kids, a boy and a girl. The boy lives with his dad and the girl lives with us. Let me start by saying that neither of them are angels, and they were young when my GF (H6 hereafter) got divorced from baby daddy. From what H6 tells me, baby daddy was never really in the picture when it came to raising the kids, and it was particularly difficult to raise them as a single mother in the military. Anyway, the boy (N) is easy to get along with, though he sometimes can be disrespectful to H6 though I make it a point to stop this behavior. The reason we are here though, is because the girl (M) is a HUGE pain to live with. H6 and I have been together for what will be 2 years in July, and since the start of the relationship (N has lived with his dad since before I came in to the picture) M has ALWAYS been disrespectful in some way, shape, or form to H6. If H6 buys the wrong kind of cereal, M ensures that H6 knows. If H6 doesnt cook for M right away, M makes it known that H6 is a bad mother and doesnt love M. Now, I come from a very humble background and understand the sacrifices a parent is able to make for their children. The fridge in my childhood home was empty as were the shelves, so I can appreciate what H6 does for her kids when she buys them whatever food they like. One thing that is an absolute trigger for me, is disrespect. I cannot stand it from anyone, especially someone who is living under the warmth of a roof that is provided to them, and does nothing, NOTHING, in return (i.e. help pick up after themselves, take their trash out, be grateful for what is given). M has always had trouble keeping friends, she always picks her friends based on "how pretty they are" (I know this because it is ALWAYS the first things she mentions about her girlfriends) and ends up burning the friendship to the ground either because she is VERY bossy, or because she just spends so much time with them to the point that they choose to not hang out with her anymore. Naturally, H6 makes it a point to invite her to wherever we are going, be it the horse barn, the store, anywhere and everywhere. This I dont so much mind, EXCEPT for when M is being a complete disrespectful bitch and DEMANDS H6 stop at a certain lace for food, even though there is food at home. The last couple of weeks is what this post is really about. Turns out M has been hanging out with the wrong crowd and has started to not only vape and smoke pot, but purchasing it and bringing it home. This past weekend, when she was confronted about this, H6 grounded her and took her phone and other things away, though the one thing that really, REALLY pissed me off was how M turned this entire thing, her being in trouble for making her own stupid decisions, on H6 and go as far as to say that H6 does not spend enough time with M and doesnt love her enough. I stayed out of the whole situation, because I dont care to be involved in a situation that I am not wanted in. M says she cares for me and blah blah blah, but she really could not give a flying fig about me and I can see that clearly. I can give multiple examples in which she has blamed me for her own mistakes. I did come in at a point during this weekend fight and saw that H6 was clearly at her wits end, she even said she hated M and did not want to live with her anymore. I told H6 that she cannot let M get in her head and blame her for the mistakes that M has made on her own accord, and to demand respect from M, because if anything, that is the least a good parent deserves. The way I see it, M is a spoiled bitch. H6 has given M everything she wanted from an iPhone 6 to $100 jeans, and so on and so forth, and H6 has failed to set boundaries and expectations to build proper character qualities within M. The one thing I did succeed in doing since me coming into the picture, is getting M to stop calling her mom a retard. And let me tell you, it was CONSTANT in the beginning, CONSTANT.

advice.only2's picture

If you want to make is easier here are some acronyms we use regularly on this site:
SO- Significant Other
SD -Step Daughter
SS- Step Son
Skid - stepkid

The reason your Skid shows now respect is because your SO never demanded it, she allows her daughter to walk all over her and parents out of guilt.

justmakingthebest's picture

Your SO has created an entitled monster. It sucks but it is the truth. She guilt parents and it shows. She is going to have to come down hard and not stop. She is going to need your back up. To keep reminding her that she is doing the right thing in order to raise a child/teen that will one day launch and join the rest of the world- out of your house! 

Just keep backing her up. If you disagree with your SO, do it privately. Don't show that there is any conflict between the two of you or the teenage monster will use it. They are sneaky devils. Be strong! 

Ronin1990's picture

justmakingthebest
Your comment is actually one of the most supportive so far. Thanks, I do tend to bring my disagreements to my SO privately so as to not give SD any power.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have 3 teens at home and another who doesn't live with us. I know that I am more permissive of my kids behaviors at times that I should be, however, I will not parent out of guilt and I will not be held emotionally hostage by my kids. I refuse. My kids aren't perfect but they are straight A students. They take care of their responsibilities around the house and they are generally helpful and kind. But, they are teenagers and have "days" where you want to chuck them out of a window! LOL 

Your SO just needs to remember that as a courtesy to the rest of the world, don't raise an a$$hole. Get her under control before it's too late and honestly, it is close. 

tog redux's picture

Your GF (H6? Sounds like a robot name) has created this mess - she is too easily manipulated by her daughter. If you don't cook for me immediately, you don't love me? Really? Why does she fall for that crap?

Honestly, she sounds like the typical BM on here that we complain about - accusing the father of "never being there" (UM, he has full custody of one of the kids), being too permissive with her kids, and creating manipulative brats out of them. She wants to be her pal and not her mother. 

Rednwhiteroses's picture

I normally wouldn't say break up right away but it sounds like you've done everything you can and your gf is choosing to let her DD steamroll over her. It's like I said in my post, my now ex fiance was doing the same thing because he's obviously roo afraid to parent his kids instead of being their friend and kids need their parents to be parents and not friends. It sounds like your gf is doing the same thing here. You don't deserve to be treated with disrespect any more than your gf does and you can walk away.

I think it's already too late in your case just like mine. My SS is autistic, he's 18 but functionally he's 13 and does absolutely NOTHING around the house yet expects everything to be handed to him. This is probably because it has been probably his whole life. If you heard some of the crap that comes out of his mouth you'd be shocked and honestly probably would want to smack the fire out of him. He could learn the concept of earning money but ex doesn't want to take the time to teach him and I'm sick of going without because of a kid that isn't even mine. Yes, my money is going towards paying for the frivolous crap he wants like a $40 toy. The grandparents don't help matters. 

He has a cat that he does absolutely NOTHING to take care of, won't even feed him. I'm 8 months pregnant and do pretty much everything around here. Well I broke off the engagement last night and gave him his ring back and I'm moving out when I get paid next week. I'm not going to be walked on anymore and neither should you.

It's not your responsibility to parent a child who isn't yours and it's not your problem  that your gf chooses to be a shitty parent. 

It's your life but my advice is run, don't walk away from the situation. Good luck with everything.

Rags's picture

Wonderful.  Such a misused word in so many blended family marriages.  What is so wonderful about a woman who is this big a failure as a parent?

Ronin1990's picture

Maybe the fact that she actually has a brain and cares to talk more about subjects that actually matter, rather than talking about what this celebrity did and so on.

Yea, maybe she didnt do the best job at raising her kids, though she did do it alone for many years while being Active-Duty Air Force AND attending college to obtain her MBA.

tog redux's picture

You came here asking for advice - you are getting it, but are very defensive about it.  

IMO, she's not doing it alone now, I assume, since her ex has custody of the other one.  And being a single parent doesn't mean you can't be a GOOD parent, and set limits and discipline. 

People come here saying their spouse is wonderful, and then list a lot of not-so-wonderful traits. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your gf may be beautiful, intelligent, and accomplished, but her poor parenting is a problem so serious that it has the potential to destroy your relationship.

Her spoiled daughter isn't likely to launch on schedule (Ha ha! What schedule?), or be able to live independently. Your gf will continue to cater to her and prioritize her wants over your relationship... forever. 

Parenting from guilt doesn't just stop when the kid reaches a certain age. My FIL did it until his death. You've only been dating this woman for six months; everyone is still on their best behavior, yet this problem has become obvious to you already.

I suggest you slow the relationship down, and critically vet this woman in the context of the dynamic as a whole. Would you want to be with her if you knew that her daughter would be around forever? That this was as good as it will ever get? That you will never be her top priority, and your needs could be cast aside at any moment for the wants of a spoiled adult child?

Please take your time, and don't put this woman up on a pedestal. Being accomplished doesn't mean she has a high EQ. Heck, Einstein's loves life was a hot mess. Just look out for yourself.

tog redux's picture

Wait - they've only been together 6 months?!  I missed that. They are already living together? I didn't even meet SS until we'd been dating for 5 months. 

Petronella's picture

I think he says they've been together for what will be "2 years this July", in other words they've been together 18 months. I can't find where he says how long they and their brains have been living together.

tog redux's picture

BM in our situation is very, very smart. It's why DH got involved with her.  Look how that turned out - and this one sounds a lot like BM. Blaming the ex for everything, wants to be the kid's pal instead of her mother ...

Rednwhiteroses's picture

Kids need their parents to be parents and not friends. They need boundaries to be set and a sense of stability and routine or they will feel insecure and act out like this.

Rags's picture

My DW was a single teen mom, full time undergrad student, grad student and ultimately a CPA. Has no interest in the celebrity of the moment and raised a son with standards of performance and behavior.

Wonderful is a comprehensive state, not a selective state.

IMHO.

If anything is a measure of wonderfulness, it is how a person parents and the outcome they develop in their child(ren).

IMHO of course.

Merry's picture

Lots of teens accuse their parents of not loving them. Or they say "I hate you" when the parents provide some discipline. When my siblings or I pulled any of that silliness, my Mom always said, "So what? These are the rules in this house and you don't have to like them OR me, but you do have to follow the rules if you're going to live here."

Accusing a parent of not loving them is simply manipulation. Children do not get to tell the adults what to do, and adults do not need to prove anything to the child. Your household is back-asswards.

Your GF must learn how to parent this out-of-control child. Otherwise she'll never be able to handle the stresses and responsibilities of the real world, and you'll have an angry, unproductive adult living in your basement forever.