Too hard to read with no paragraphs.

Forget the past. Kick her ass OUT of your life. Ghost her and don’t look back.

Healthy people do not keep aholes in their life.

Time for this disrespectful adult to play the game of life on her own.

If your DH wants to allow her to act like that, then tell him to have at it, that you are not covering her wants any longer. Hand him the cell phone bill, and any other bill that you are covering. They are ultimately his responsibility, let him take the reins and let him deal with it. Good luck!

"have the ability of being able to write and be focused enough to put ideas to paper." Please use paragraph breaks. It was a real job to get through this.

In short, you are saying that after raising a SD with all of the love and attention BM should have been giving her, she has turned on you. You also are expected to support her both emotionally and financially for 8 more years so she can finish college.

Your therapist advises more counseling for your SD and your DH but both, especially DH refuses. Looks like more money for the therapist. Go to a counselor for yourself - possibly a different one who wants to help you gain the self-confidence and courage to set boundaries with SD and DH. SD and DH have the right to refuse counseling but you have the right to refuse to take part in financing SD's education or cell phone. It's a two-way street.

Sounds as if two crappy parents lucked out and found someone willing to do all their dirty work for them. Years on, you've finally hit the wall emotionally and want to make some changes, but no one including your spouse supports this. Well, why should they? This screwed up family has enjoyed the fruits of your labor and enabling ways for years.

I was once in your shoes after devoting years to caring more about skids and my DH's family than he did. It was a complete waste of my time, resources, and emotions, and I think part of the reason my skids resent me is because they know all too well that I'm not the person who was supposed to be parenting them. It's just easier to be angry at me for doing for them than at their dad for not doing for them.

Steplife will suck you dry if you let it, and then the skids will complain if you don't continue to allow them to use and abuse you. You really need to work on yourself and learning how to detach from other people's problems. Read up on codependency, and use your counselling to focus on WHY you allowed this to happen to you. Time to take care of yourself.

I disagree that a real mom should sacrifice her whole life for her children. A lot of bio moms and dads feel that way too and end up with entitled brats. It's doubly hard though when it's a stepparent as you had no real obligation to the kid.

I'm a bit confused in that by your explanation... you and your DH raised his kids with little to no help from his EX.

That means that the way they turned out..etc.. really lies more in your and your DH's court than their mostly absent mother.

It sounds like you did a ton with and for these kids. I can't imagine doing all that while they were disrespectful to you.. so were they always that way.. or did they "turn" as teens/young adults?

What did your DH do all this while you were raising his kids? Was he always a disney/pal dad? If so.. waiting until they are pretty much adults isn't the time to wait to make changes.

If these kids are not respectful.. you are in your rights to not deal with them. They have parents.

Sorry you are having to go through what so many stepmoms experience. Many here can relate.

We start out thinking everything is going to be so good because we are good. At least that was my experience. I set out to be a good wife and a good stepmom AND a real grandma. I started out overlooking the slights, gabs, passive aggressive, rudeness of the skids. Thinking it would get better. That one day I will reap good because I have been good and sown kindness. What I have learned is the skids see kindness as weakness and that in itself gives them power to ramp up the disrespect and self centered behavior. My dh added to the problem because he did not want me to say anything to the skids. He wanted me to come to him and that he would take care of what ever problem there was. I learned the hard way, that dh was NOT going to do a damn thing. All he did was disarm me and leave defenseless against these arrogant, spoiled, self centered brats.

Your dh does not want to go to counseling. "he refuses because he says he is not going to let anyone tell him how to live his life". BUT he apparently does not have a problem with his daughter telling him how to live his life and apparently to the point that you feel the REAL wife/partner is his daughter. I have come close myself to telling my dh that he needed to decide if he was MY husband or sd's husband.

You mention "A husband and wife are supposed to come first after God and then the children." This is true but things get out of order with a divorce. You arrived after the children. The problem starts with your dh. He not only puts sd before YOU, he puts her before himself and that leaves you working upstream trying to get things into the proper order but, you are working alone, and that gets mighty frustrating. It gets even more frustrating when you get viewed as the bad guy for simply fighting for your rightful position as the WIFE.

You mention suicide. I have been there myself as well. What you really want is ORDER. You want you and your dh to be partners, to make the decisions together but you have a third party that is throwing up road blocks.

Your DH is the REAL problem. He is afraid of his daughter and does not stand up for himself, let alone you.

I had gotten to the point that it was a total waste of time to even mention anything negative about my sd/skids. My dh would go into auto pilot and do 1 of 3 things. He would a) make excuses, b) defend, or c) throw me under the bus.

I am still navigating these waters. Recently my dh and I had a major fight about his daughter. I for the first time mentioned we can have an auction sell everything, divide it, and go our separate ways, AND I meant EVERY word. That was about a month ago. Things have gotten better as my dh realized that I had come to the point that I felt it just wasn't worth it and he came to the point and realized that not standing up to his daughter was not worth a divorce. We are doing better but I am smart enough to know my sd has no problem overstepping boundaries and that my dh is weak.

I don't have any real advise for you except to stand up for yourself, set boundaries, and pray.

Good luck

You have the same kind of husband many of us have, so it resonates well with most of us, trust me. His failure to parent his daughter has created his/your monster, who you have zero control over now. You will have to take the control back. This daughter needs to launch and if daddeee cannot handle it, he can launch right along with his darling precious. Many of us have husbands who are a slack...ss, yes to everything...parent, but we do not put up with the sickness; most definitely not in our own homes; in addition, we remove ourselves from their on-going, never-ending dadddeee-friendly family. I cannot even watch my husband around them, he is nauseatingly accommodating, catering to their every wim; men like this have an emotional need to always please kids, ( scared shi..less- they will leave), and they will continue to cater and cower to this selfishness, at everybody else's expense. That is the sad reality. Do not expect him to ever address the obvious problem.

Protect yourself, you are the only person on your side. Create your own happiness away from this insanity. Do whatever it is you need to do-to make that happen.

OH skids are adults, you simply disengage from them, stop wiping their noses and stop entertaining them, heck they have to move out, get their own places and can only come back to the house on your invitation... DH can see them in town..

I can totally relate to the problems you are having with your stepchildren. It has been a struggle for me for some time until I realized that I had a power that I wasn't using.  

Firstly, let's not forget that the brain has not finished developing until the age of 26, and that is if the person is emotionally immature. So you are not dealing with a reasonable person or adult. 

Secondly, children of broken marriages often do not behave well, especially if their parents never behaved well. You may be the only person in their life to model some semblance of sanity. That can be difficult. 

Thirdly, the best way for you to deal with anything in life including troublesome stepchildren is to start with good self care. Make sure that every day you do three things for yourself, even if it is as simple as stopping to have a cup of coffee or stopping to take 10 deep slow breaths. . Do three things everyday that will give you more stamina.

Also, when you are being challenged to the point where it's beyond what you can handle, learn to say two words - I can't. I can't ..... More on this later. 

Next, use your power. You are the parent and the adult. You are the woman! 

When your child says insulting comments just respond with one word. Say ouch! Don't say anything more, they will figure it out themselves. Do not take the bait. If you have to put duct tape over your mouth do not take the bait from these kids or anyone.. By taking the bait and responding to the outrageous comments and actions, you are creating your own needless emotional turmoil. This is what angry children and angry people do they like to create needless emotional turmoil. Coming from a place of personal power is strength vs needless emotional turmoil. By just saying ouch you are not accepting the invitation to have a dance of of turmoil. 

You can address this by showing by showing respect and demanding it from everyone- giving it to everyone- as if it is the household motto. More later.

If your child or anyone is venting and needs to be heard, just respond with the words, " I hear you." Most often that person just wants to be heard. Keep it short and keep it sweet and you will avoid a lot of turmoil. 

Amidst all of this you need to remember respect. Everyone wants respect more than anything. Maybe there have been times when you have been disrespectful as well .If you have apologize. That goes a long way. You are teaching these kids how to be adults. Something that their own mother doesn't know. 

This also helps you set your boundaries.  Let's say your stepdaughter wants you to buy her something you don't feel comfortable buying. You say I can't. You say as much as I want to do so many things for you, if I go against my own standards I will only resent you later. Respecting you and loving you is the most important thing in my life.   You deserve that and so I can't. 

Talk about the things that you'd like to see.  Instead of making requests. Talk about what you'd like to see. For example, even with your husband present you you might say, I would love to see your room cleaned...or..... I would love to get the kitchen cleaned.  When I do this, now after using different techniques, people jump up to clean the kitchen.  It might not happen in an instanti but when i say it without expectations..  and go about doing something else, they respond. 

Also you and your husband need to be a united front in this. If you are having some issues with your marriage, you can use the same skills to fix that almost overnight. Simple apologies for losing your temper, trying to control, trying to be disrespectful, are very powerful.  There are a couple of great books on this that tha any marriage advice out there.

For strength, give yourself properself-care and make yourself the goddess of strength and happiness. You're confident and happy. You are not looking for the approval of others.  You know you create your own happiness and you don't have expectations from them. I have found that when stating what I'd like to see with no expectations and respecting those around me as well as doing lots of self-care, people respond to me is if I was a magnet.  It is a way of creating a relationship with others where I get what I want.  Women have been told a lot of lies over the decades. NO ONE had power over you. 

The difference is that you're not controlling or trying to control. Instead you are encouraging and empowering others to do the right thing, even your husband.  It is amazing how this works with husbands. Husbands want respect more than they even want sex.  We women have been taught that we have to control instead of encourage. Trying to control is disrespectful.

It will take time and this is a process. If you do great self care, show respect, focus on gratitude, look for the things that others do right, support them by saying things like I hear you, or whatever you think is best and the case of decision making ( in personal issues), things will begin to change quickly.

It is also important to show vulnerability. It is important to say things like I feel sad when I don't see you enough. I could sure use your help washing the dishes I'm so tired. Give it time. Try to relinquish control and instead try encouragement. Think of the story about Pygmalion. 

Also think about the self-fulfilling prophecy that you have for your family and children. If you see these children as nothing but a pain in your neck and that's exactly what they will be. It isn't easy to change that perception, but if you do it and remark on their positive ways, things will change. 

At first it seemed like I was faking it, and I was in a way, but soon after things began to change and I began to really feel and see that self-fulfilling prophecy for my kids and my husband my family. It was amazing. 

I learned when to keep my mouth shut, I learned to stop controlling, I learned to support and how to support others, and I learned that as i give to others every day, I am the only one responsible for my happiness and I must do a lot of self-care to refill that well. It is what gives me strength. 

Any woman can do this. This This process works for thousands of women and it's something my great grandmother knew. 

There are books written about this if you're interested. Find your strength and grounding in who you are and the life you envision. Trust me it works. Focus on working on yourself and all of a sudden your step children will turn around. Give them opportunities to do the right thing and when they don't, you just say ouch. 

I'm not kidding, it works

The idea that you just throw them out, kick their asses to the curb, is all just disgusting. It's destructive and serves no common good. If women would only wake up to understand the power that they have to not only create their family life but also changed the world, we wouldn't be having these conversations.

Hope this helps. Look up Laura Doyle'' books

How do I deal with intrusive skids.  Neither live at home.  24, 23.   But just walk in unannounced , use key if doors locked.  Totally invade my personal space.   I moved in with there dad , but they act like they still live at home.  Even giving there friends the grande tour of our home.  Including our bedroom.   I’m trying to keep the peace. But I’m m about to lose my shit.  HELP.