Would you go?
Hi there I am new here. I have a SD who is graduating uni here in Australia in October. She left after finishing high school and hasn't returned. She hasn't spoken to us, answered calls, text or messages on social media. Just to give a litte background, her mother died when she was about 9. Her parents were never married and she lived with her maternal grandparents and mother primarily until 9. On the mother's passing they (the grandparents) fought to keep her; but my husband felt that was not their place. It hasn't been an easy road with them, SD and us before her estrangement. SD expressed that she wanted to go and live with her grandparents from the beginning but we thought with time and counselling she would begin to warm to us and engage with us. That didn't and hasn't happened and a lot of bad behaviour was tolerated because she was grieving. Her maternal grandparent were often fuel in the fire too. They would buy her big gifts like phones, computers and cars without asking our permission.
The university only gives two tickets per student, and surprise surpise we weren't given one. However, on their website it stated that they have extra seating, but you would be seeing the graduation on a screen in another room. My MIL thinks we should go to show our support and put the ball in her court.
We have younger children that are pre-teen as well. We have reallly tried reaching out in the past and even apologised for a lot of things over the years. She has never really wanted to be a part of our family or our kids. She refers to them as my dad kids.
What do you all think should we go or not? And if we do go should we give her a heads up that we are coming?
If she does not want you there
I dont see how your going is showing support. I would not show u.
I think that her father
I think that her father should reach out to her and ask if she would like for him to come.. because he would like to see her graduate. note I said your husband. I don't think you or your kids should go. For a variety of reasons..
I'm sure that she harbors a lot of resentment because of her upbringing. I guess he must have had some problems early on.. but I can see resentment that he didn't choose to keep her and instead let grandparents raise her... (up until age 9).;. yet he had other kids and didn't offload them.
ETA: I really don't think she will appreciate looking out in the audience and seeing the nice nuclear family that her dad had after he abandoned her... (which is basically her POV.. which probably hasn't changed since she was a child).
He did not abandon her. Her
He did not abandon her. Her mother lived with the grandparents hence why she lived with them. He had access to her. Upon her mother's death he took her as the only surviving parent.
Did he have equal visitation.
Did he have equal visitation.. did he exercise it? Was he an active participant in raising and caring for her? my guess is the grandparents did the heavy lifting there..
I am sure that the story she got was that her father moved on to have a new family where she didn't fit in...
My advice stands.. he should ask if he can go. You and your kids do not need to be there. period.
I wouldn't
I would not. I think a relationship is a two way street...im over hearing peeople say "well XYZ is family so we have to be there no matter what." That's bull. Family or not, if someone wants you in their life....you'll know. If they havent made an effort to show up for you, then give them what they want and leave it be. Sorry you're going through this
I wouldn't go. Yes, there is
I wouldn't go. Yes, there is extra seating in another room. Yes, you can see the graduation on a big screen (and you may have a better view than sitting in the back). But, if she doesn't want her father there he isnt going to see her. She isn't going to do anything with dad unless she wants to.
Dad should send her a card with a nice note. Leave the door open.
We would send a card, but we
We would send a card, but we do not know where she lives currently. I guess we can send it to her grandparents because they have been 'gracious' enough to give us regular updates on her life.
You would think the loss of a parent will make her value the other parent greatly because she knows life is short.
You would think the loss of a
I would think the same. And both of us would be wrong.
Send the card c/o grandparents. You know she is going to see them.
How much contact did your
How much contact did your husband have with her, prior to her mother dying?
Seems to me, she resented that he uprooted her from the only home and parental figures that she knew, just because he felt it was "not their place" to continue raising her. She has never wanted to be a part of your family because she doesn't consider all of you to be her family. It takes more than DNA.
Your husband can certainly reach out to her but if she doesn't want him there, it might be best for him to abide by her wishes.
It varied, she was born when
It varied, she was born when they were 19; so they both lived at home. They never had a set schedule for his access due to them being young and not thinking it was important, and he was in uni. He could have seen her whenever he wanted. To her he was the exciting person that came every Saturday and took her out. She didn't associate him with structure and rules.
So, there never was that
So, there never was that father/daughter relationship, really, which is why she resented having to go live with him after her mom died. She didn't associate him with being her dad.
Not sure what the point of
Not sure what the point of going would be if she doesn't want any of you there.... that's the opposite of supporting someone. Maybe send a card instead.
No Way! Focus ON YOUR KIDS, SD Has Sent A Clear Message & Drawn
her line in the sand by ingoring all forms of communcation.
Just thank your lucky stars you were not given a ticket. Attending, when not being officially "invited" by getting one of two tickets, is just asking for hurt feelings.
Get a pedicure, take your kids to dinner, and shower DH with love and effection so he is not preoccupied with the thought of missing out.
You owe her ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Don't DO IT! Ignoring communications gets met with the same response.
I agree, I would send a
I agree, I would send a graduation card c/o grandparents. As they have been providing you with updates on her life, it appears they would be nice enough to pass a card to her on you and your DH's behalf.
I wouldn't go - I fear that as she doesn't want you there you would go and you would get ignored and then you would all feel worse for even trying. It sounds as though there has been enough trying. Don't get walked on - send a card and leave the door open for her to make contact.
Good luck and sorry you are going through this.
If the university has
If the university has announced additional open seating I would suggest that all of you go. You and DH raised her for 9 years and your children are her younger sibs. Take a card and all give her a hug and express your congratulations.
That leaves the ball in her court and you and your DH and your kids show support and do the right thing.
After graduation.... don't any of you lose sleep over her again. If she engages after graduation, great. If not, oh well.