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Wild stepdaughter wants to move in

gigimom's picture

My stepdaughter is 27 and very unstable. She was 17 when me and her dad moved in together. At the time our son was less than a year old and my daughter was 10 (they are 11 and 20 now). My 19 year old stepson also lived us (now 29). In these past 10 years, my stepdaughter has had two children and countless abortions. She had first daughter at 18 while living with us. That child is nine years old now and we have had custody since she was 2. She had a second daughter at 20 while living with the baby's father and this child is now seven and lives with her father. My stepdaughter does not see either of the girls. She used to see her oldest regularly because we had custody and she would visit. But she moved to Florida over a year ago and we are in PA so my grand-daughter doesn't see her and really misses her. Her other daughter only knows her as her birth mom.

So currently my stepdaughter is unhappy in Florida and wants to move back - with us. She has worked as a stripper since she was 19 and had made little effort to do anything else. The club fired her, she has been kicked out of her apartment and is pregnant again by her latest boyfriend. I have a feeling she is intending the carry this pregnancy to term. Before she moved she had the issues of being fired from clubs and getting kicked out of her apartments. All of her relationships are stormy and she has absolutely no boundaries. She's had adult service ads online, made videos, etc. She's just a mess and I don't want that under my roof.

She'll call her father with her 'woe is me' sob stories and he falls for it. He almost bought her a train ticket to come back here! He feels sorry for her and thinks he can save her. She never had rules!! It's too late now. I told him we're already helping by raising her child, she should be able to handle the rest. He feels like he's turning his back on her, but I can't help that. He needs to find another way to help her that doesn't directly affect us. I've very protective of my peace and my sanity.

Anyone dealing with adult step kids wanting to move in?

hereiam's picture

That's actually how I found this site, my SD asked if she, her husband (at the time) and their 2 kids "stay" with us for a "short" time.

We told her no. I found this site because I felt a little guilty but that feeling didn't last long.

Your SD is well into adulthood and needs to figure this out for herself instead of disrupting other peoples lives.

It's not fair to you or the younger ones still living with you, and it will be murder on your marriage.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

You also have to think about her daughter that you are raising. What's it going to do to her to have her mom around for a little while? or get close to a new baby brother or sister? and then her mom vanishes off to stripper club land and that baby goes?

stepmomfromhell's picture

What if her daughter becomes attached to the new sibling, are you willing to take her to court to fight for custody of that child too?

What if she takes you to court to regain custody of her daughter that you are caring for now, because she feels she's ready to be mamma?

PrincessFiona's picture

If you can afford it offer to help her to move and get on her feet - IN HER OWN APARTMENT. But let her know what the limits of your help will be. I don't think you need to even consider bringing her into your home.

Stepped in what momma's picture

In my book you are helping her, every day and second you raise her child. Allowing a toxic person in your life is not a good idea. Where is her BM, why can't she go to her?

Merry's picture

Your DH cannot "save her." He just can't. Her life is up to her now. IF she would agree to get help through counseling AND get some job skills, AND you can afford to help her with her own place for a few months, then maybe coming back would be ok with very, very clear boundaries and consequences.

My heart would be broken if that were my daughter, and I can see that your DH wants to "help." But "help" has to be very specific. He can't just open the door to your house and have the same things happen all over again.

I would NOT let her move in. She has to be responsible for herself.

AVR1962's picture

Is there a reason why she cannot live with her current BF?

We had a daughter with BPD that moved back in with us as an adult. Not a stripper but BPD brings a great deal of hardships as well and my husband did not want this daughter back in the house, my bio. We agreed to a contract and then old daughter that in order for her to return she would have to agree to the contract. She did and she did well.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

OP - A resounding NO to letting her move in. Keep in mind that once she gets in you won't be able to get her out.

also, you have to worry about your own child. There are welfare services you can suggest to your husband to get her housing, food stamps WIC and all sorts of goodies.

Also, keep in mind that IF she moves in with you she isn't going to help around the house and you will also have her children to deal with.

stepinafrica's picture

You cannot save a person who is not willing to be saved. I'm all for helping people. But this is a woman who has shown no desire to improve herself. She has no plan to do better in life and no sense of responsibility. It will not work.

IWILLSTAYSANE78's picture

Absolutely not! And don't feel one bit guilty about it! I already see this type of scenario in my future and my wild SD is only 17 at the moment. I'm already preparing myself!

ETexasMom's picture

"She has adult service ads online"????? So basically she's a craig list prostitute? Do you really want her around the granddaughter you are raising? What if she brings her "customers" home?

gigimom's picture

We tried enforcing rules and expectations when she had our granddaughter and she couldn't stand it so much that she left and gave the baby to her bio-mom who has mental issues. We only saw our granddaughter a handful of times until she was two when DHS took her from bio-grandmom and placed her with us. My DH raised her and her brother as a single parent and their mom had nothing to do with them until they were older teens. That only lasted a few years and they are estranged from her again. My stepdaughter used to swear that she would never be the type of mom her that mom was but has done the exact same thing.

We have permanent custody of GSD so I'm not worried about her going for custody. She would have to follow the "rules" of DHS which she will never do. She asked us to give her her daughter back and I told her to go through the court. So that was the end of that effort.

So now she is living in a hotel with the baby-daddy which they can't afford much longer. She told my DH that her boyfriend can go back to his family but she can't and will be homeless. She's going in heavy on him with the guilt. I told him that the longer she stays pregnant the more she will want to nest and that's why she's putting so much pressure on him. I keep reminding him how it would crush our granddaughter if her mother moved in with her pregnant belly and then left again with her infant and leaving her behind. And I'm sure she would have the boyfriend lurking around too. He agrees with all this but his heart is still heavy. My tone is sometimes too cold, which makes him more protective. I'm firm on her not moving in and in spite of all this, it's difficult getting DH on board.

Aniki's picture

She's pregnant again and wants to move in. You're already raising her firstborn child. My first thought is that she wants to move in, have the third baby, and leave it for you to raise. She is a breeding trainwreck. SMH

still learning's picture

Tell her you want to give her a "hand up." If you can afford it; pay her rent for a set amt of time, ON THE CONDITION that she gets her tubes tied as soon as the baby is born. If she's on welfare the procedure should be paid for. She would likely have to sign the paperwork now because many states have a waiting period. 2 children she doesn't take care of, abortions, and now one of the way... the woman needs to shut the baby making factory down. Helping her get on her feet is different than enabling her to make the same mistakes again.

gigimom's picture

We can't afford it anyway. We have GSD and our son in private school and my daughter is in college. Our house needs tons of work. There's no way we can pay for her living expenses. She's going to have to use these social programs and definitely get her tubes tied. Whoever gets the baby I hope will keep in touch. We do stay in contact with her other daughter's step-mom and dad. The girls don't see much of each other because of distance but they're as close as sisters can be given the circumstances.

still learning's picture

I agree with Jaspercat, you are a saint! It sounds like you and DH know your limits.