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Why They Hide Stuff

DUMBFOUNDED's picture

Why do these dads hide things from tge new spouse?  Like paying the skids phone bill.  Hide even the thoughts of doing  something for tge sk.  

They hide their phone conversation. Not just some but all to most of them.  Go outside in the dark to talk. 

They use the  sk as their marital sounding board, sharing arguments from the marriage.  Then  the adult kid  says whats going on and then the parent gets their (loving  support and attention) getting their ego stroked. 

My dh lied about going to the phone store.  I ask him where he was he hesitated, screemed you don't trust me.  (Well I guess I don't,  because your name was on the  sign in sheet inside the store) . I saw it with my own eyes.

Why hide and lie over stupid,  stupid,  crap,?  Hes got  his money ive got mine.  Exactly the way  he demanded.  So if it's his money why hide how he spends it?  

Why lie at all. 

 

tog redux's picture

I wouldn't say "all to most of them" do it.  Mine never has.

He does it because he knows on some level that it's unhealthy and wrong to be treating his kids like peers and enabling their poor behavior.

MissTexas's picture

and I can only speculate, from my experience, but it may not be the "why' in your case, although the situation sounds almost identical.

DH's "kids" are adults (at least according to their ages) so he doesn't pay their cell phone bills, BUT, he does pay for a lot of other things like college funds for grandkids,(though he has set nothing aside (with the exception of life insurance which won't last for the remainder of my life) for his wife should he pass) anything that needs replacing or repairing here (he gave all his property/home etc. to them already, so there must've been an agreement between them that he is responsible for all debt, I will never know), and anytime they "visit" daddy runs and gets just what they want and like, cleans up after them because they won't change sheets/wash them etc.

We had a big blow up a few years ago after he allowed his daughter to go ballistic on my for almost an hour, and stood there saying and doing NOTHING. I was completely on my own and that was shocking to me. That's not what marriage is.

Prior to that (for years) and shortly afterward he would call her daily, sometimes several times a day, or she would call him. I have never seen anything like it. I am a mother and I rarely call my adult kids. They are living their lives! And yes, their calls were always PRIVATE. If she called while he was with me, he would either pick it up and tell her he'd call her back, OR let it go to voicemail and check it then call or text her back, and DELETE the voicemail and text.

My theory as to why everything is so secretive is they want us to see nothing and know nothing. After all, seeing is believing and it's tangible proof of what was said. I told mine after the rant, that I started keeping a file. I have the rant recorded, I have her nasty voicemails thereafter, I have phone records, recorded conversations I've had with the friends she called thereafter, trying to turn them against me, and the list goes on. I told DH I don't really have to do anything, she's doing a great job of building my case for me. They treat them as mistresses are treated. Very simply put, they want to keep us in the dark, because the more we don't know, the more they can keep up the facade the more they can lie and paint their kids in a better light. He would always say, "She likes you, she always asks about you." Well, we know what that means, now don't we? She's on a fishing expedition.

Your DH likes everything being separate because you will not have any kind of paper trail and sky is the limit as to what he can and will continue to do. It's sick, but the way the "bond" is by talking about us negatively, or letting them do it and not intervening on our behalf. Mine did all the things yours is now doing, and I just put my foot completely down on all the BS. Now they rarely talk, and the funny thing is, just as much as he doesn't stand up to them for me, he also doesn't do it to me on their behalf. Princess has finally had "enough" and told daddy to "...keep his crazy." Ok. That's the pot calling the kettle black, now isn't it?

Good luck. It's tough.

Harry's picture

That there kids. The ones they told you were adults, treat them as adults are losers .  The more money they give the more Embarrass they are, 

 

Movingonisbest's picture

That they are embarrassed. Young able-bodied adults who treat their father as an ATM will always be a hell no for me. The adult kids should be embarrassed too. My ex's adult kids acted more like teenagers than adults. At the time I broke up with him and even afterwards none of them had become independent. Smh

youdonotdefineme's picture

My DH is embarrassed like Harry above says.  His kids are shits to him and he will chase after them, he doesn't want me to know he is chasing them, so he won't tell me.  I find it pathetic but realise he will be that way until he has had enough of the shit treatment.

He's last in line with them when it comes to gifts, time or anything that means anything

Zen mode's picture

This describes my DH's kids to a T (not about hiding things) but about being embarrassed. 

Tried out's picture

I prefer to talk to everyone, not just my kids, in private. Not because I'm hiding anything or giving away the family fortune but because I can totally relax and focus on the conversation in a way I can't with someone - anyone - around. And there are some topics only the person I'm talking to knows anything about, like my sister. Our shared past is something we continue to help each other understand and that's totally private. I usually wait until I'm alone to make or take phone calls so I know I have the time and space I need. 

 

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I was on the phone with my mom for an hour. He was right there. When I said goodbye I said "I love you."  He looks up with a shocked face and says "Who do you love?" No idea who I was talking to for an hour.

1StepForward2's picture

I think it's because they don't want to jeopardize the relationship they have with the kids and protect it all all costs.  My SS30 has been estranged for years from DH.  Every once in awhile I would ask "have you heard from SS30?"  He would say no.  DH was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I reached out to SS30 who told me, "oh, yes we have been speaking for awhile now."  I felt like such a fool.  I confronted DH letting him know how I felt.  He kept saying he didn't know why he didn't tell me. My therapist pointed out DH is such a nonconfrontational, avoider of conflict at all costs, so that's probably what that was all about.  I moved on and put it behind me.  I'm glad they are speaking and SS30 even friended me on FB so I'm over it but there's that.

Catmom23's picture

Men do whatever ends up being easiest for them.  Sometimes if there's conflict it's easier for them to lie to their spouse and then go enable their kids.  They don't have to deal with the fallout from either.  However, there is undoubtedly fallout when the spouse finds out but it's a risk they're willing to take.

I don't care what my SO does with/for his kids as long as I don't have to deal with them or have the thieves at our home.  As long as he can continue to pay his bills (our finances are separated) i don't care if he gives them $$.  I never go through his phone because I'm too old to go looking for trouble.  

Movingonisbest's picture

Dishonesty in a relationship, even the kind the original poster described by her DH, would be a hell no for me. A man who is an enabler of adult kids will always be a no for me.