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Why should I let her drive me away

No Drama's picture


I am experiencing difficulties with 26 year old YSD. Basically I avoid her at all costs, don’t like her, have nothing in common with her despite my best efforts trying over the years. DH and I had to go out with her and this now fiancé last night to celebrate the farce of an engagement. 

She gives DH a handwritten letter to begin with saying all sorts of rubbish like he was the one who taught her to ride a bike etc. etc. then at the end of all the vomit asking him if he would walk her down the isle! No date set for this wedding yet!

She then started banging on about her imaginary house! I piled in and told her that if she was hoping for this in the future she should go and get a full time job. She made all kinds of excuses why she couldn’t. For the rest of the evening she reverts back down memory lane with the remember when daddy all the rubbish I’ve heard over and over!! I was on the scene throughout her childhood but you wouldn’t know because everything she talks about I’m not included in. Then she sat rudely whispering to her boyfriend for the rest of the time.

When we left the boyfriend/fiancé who to be fair seems like a nice lad said we must do this more regularly. However there is no way I can see his social retard of a daughter anymore often! 

Afterwards I told DH there is no way I will be repeating that more regularly. I suggested he starts seeing her again on his own. I just can’t do this anymore and do feel truly terrible that I don’t like his daughter. I feel so strongly about it now that I was even thinking I may need to end my 24 year relationship with DH to get away from her because this whole situation is making me so unhappy. But then again why should I let her drive me away can anyone please offer any advice as I feel so alone with this thank you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Without knowing the backstory, all I can say is, don't let her drive you away. Can you just see her at larger events like holidays and weddings and funerals and such? Or, does your DH have delusions that they will move in/next door, you guys will be daycare for the grandkids, or you will have to hang out weekly or something? 

Rags's picture

Next time, call her and her fiance on the rude whispering side bars as they are doing it.

She does it, because she gets away with it. If you bare her ass, she will no longer be getting away with it.   

Good for you letting DH know where you stand on the whole situation.

No Drama's picture

Basically I don't want to spend time with someone I don't like and who makes me feel depressed, a person who manipulates DH for money and attention, a bossy mini wife, always felt the need to compete with me for DHs attention and always talks about subjects that only involve DH leaving me out of conversations. Believe me I have tried and tried to get along with her ever since she was a child, I have always up until now been kind and loving. Now I have given up and I'm done with her the problem is my DH keeps encouraging these meet ups despite my telling him that I can't tolerate her for too long as we just don't get along!!

Rags's picture

At some level, it is your choice to feel that way.

Stop that.  Quit embracing the feelings and confront the behaviors that the toxic individual is perpetrating.

Feelings, while certianly the spice of life, are dangerous influences on decisions.

Separate the feelings from the situation and apply the solution.

IMHO of course.

CajunMom's picture

I'm going to suggest you look into disengaging. It has helped me immensely in dealing with DHs kids, all adults (3 were adults when I came on the scene, 2 were teens). After 12 years of dealing with toxic behaviors, many of what you describe, an incident happened that "pushed me over the cliff." I have not seen DHs kids in 5 years. He has seen them away from our marital home in that time and I began my "healing." StepHell had taken it's toll on both my mental and physical health. I'm better now; stronger and more aware. I know DHs oldest two kids did everything in their power to end my marriage. It did not work and they are the ones who've suffered at their own hands.

I've done a lot of work on me these past years....dug deep....healed from childhood issues that were making me "weak" in adulthood. DHs kids are very aware of why I'm disengaged and while DH has said several would want to "talk" with me, to fix things, I'm not interested. 12 years of "smoke blowing" were enough for me.  And I do not care about their personal lives whether they are doing well or not; I do not have an investment in DHs kids so no need to know any info. DH and I rarely even talk about his kids or grands. 

I am walking towards reunification ONLY because my DH is aging (we both are) and he will eventually not be able to travel to see they will need to see him in our home. The plan has been developed (with my therapist and other "help" in my life). They will be respected; I will greet them kindly and then I'll tell DH to enjoy his visit and I'll head to my studio or garden. After all, "we come to see our dad, not you" is something they told me multiple times so I won't consider me not visiting rude. 

I'd strongly suggest you let your DH go back to seeing his daughter alone. If he's giving her money, it better be his. If not, whatever he gives her, take that amount for yourself (or double it). Don't ask questions and if your DH provides info, answer with a "that's nice" or "I'm sorry." Search the site for other behavior modifications in disengaging but are in control and she will not ruin your marriage unless you let her. Put some space between you and MW.

Rags's picture

CM, That quote from  you.. is brilliant.

Great epiphany.  You are the one that matters in this, the Skids, beyond their meaning to your DH, are irrelevant.

TY for sharing the above.


No Drama's picture

Thank you so much CajanMom I can't tell you how much your reply means to me. I had for the most part disengaged also to protect my mental health. This has become a problem for me again because she is supposed to be getting married and yes she's after financial help. I had the conversation with DH again yesterday about her behaviour, although she's never been directly rude towards me she's never been inclusive of me either. It's also this sense of entitlement, manipulation especially where money is concerned and the bossiness towards DH which really winds me up. I suggested that he go back to seeing her on his own as I can only manage it occasionally. 
But still I feel guilty hurting DH as I know in the ideal world he would prefer I got on with her but life isn't that simple is it thank you.


Winterglow's picture

So what exactly are her excuses for not working full-time? Why does she or your husband think that your hard-earned finances (do you have separate finances or combined?) should contribute to her part-time easy life?

Why didn't you straight up tell her that whispering is rude? Call her out on this crap! Next time you're a witness of the memory lane stuff, cut her off with "cut to the chase, SD, how much are you after this time?" No, it won't make your relationship any more pleasant with her but it might make her want to avoid you.  It might also give her bf a welcome heads-up about what kind of a woman he was going to marry.

"feel truly terrible that I don’t like his daughter."

You shouldn't. We are all entitled to like the people we like and not like others, sometimes for totally illogical or inexplicable reasons (this is not your case). Look, you've done your best to like her - what has she done to be likeable?

Harry's picture

Do you combine all the money, his / her / general account?  What does helping with wedding mean. $500...  $1000, ..$10000.  millions.   It's his DD,  he should helpb ger with the wedding.  But at some amounts you can afford.  Not at the level of Trumps DD. 

You should disengage.  I would not be around someone who doesn't like me.  No, gifts, no do anything,   Up to DH to deal with SD .   What ever money SD gets, you should get the same amount. As this years vacation is equal to wedding gift ,   Kinda of a eye for a eye person.  If we can afford to help with the wedding,,we can afford a nice vacation to wash down SD wedding    

Merry's picture

I had the biggest meltdown of my life over that Memory Lane stuff. SD and DH were in their own little bubble ALL day and actively excluded me from the conversation, even when I tried to join in. It was rude, designed specifically to exclude me and make SD the center of her father's attention.

And, oh, the excuses and gaslighting was ridiculous. But that was a turning point for me. DH doesn't get to pick and choose when I am his wife and when I am not. I am either his partner, that he loves and respects anc cherishes, or I'm not. He doesn't get it both ways so he can go chase whatever is shiny.

We are at the stage where we can't travel right now, and DH certainly can't travel by himself any longer. We live about 800 miles from Skidville. His kids are in active denial about his health, and it's been a year since we've seen either. They frequently say they are trying to find a time to come visit. DH used to get so excited about that, but he's stopped even telling me that they've mentioned a visit. It won't happen.

I just go on and live my life. I don't worry about them, don't ask about them. If DH wants to tell me something, or show me a picture, or whatever, I engage with HIM. His kids are for the most part polite when we do interact, but they've made it clear that they are not interested in a relationship with me. Their choice.

No Drama's picture

So sorry to hear that you had a meltdown with all the memory stuff! It's such a relief to me that you understand just how horrible this is. You question whether you're being over sensitive but it's reached a point now that it's depressing me and I'm not prepared to put up with it anymore. I was in her life when these memories were made and we saw her and her sister practically every weekend. Yet she never brings up a memory relating to me. I have always felt that she is jealous of my relationship with her father. You're right she's definitely attention seeking always has been with DD and yes it's plain rude. I have now pointed this out, together with her manipulation to gain money from him and the fact that she's lazy and should be doing a full time job. I said that I'm not happy for her and boyfriend to be regular visitors to our home. He can see her on her own and I am only prepared to see her occasionally. He seemed to take it quite well although he doesn't seem to have the best memory so dare say he will need reminding. Just wish she would move miles away like yours did but I can't see that happening. Thank you so much for your reply it's much appreciated.


Stepdrama2020's picture

No dont let her drive you away.

BUT the big question is how does your DH feel about what SD does? Does he pretend to not see it, or defends her? OR does he have your back and tells the lil manipulator to cut it out?

If your DH is NOT in your corner, then it would be DH driving you away not SD. 

No Drama's picture

Yes I have thought about this Stepdrama. DH isn't the most perceptive in general not just with DD but every situation I would have to point everything out before he sees the light.  He listened to what I had to say when I explained how unhappy this situation is making me feel. He may well point these issues out to her when he's next alone with her as that's how he tends to operate. I definitely think when push comes to shove my feelings would be more valid than DDs. Thank you for your reply.

ESMOD's picture

What the BF said is probably just one of those polite things.. "we should see each other more often".. yada yada yada.

The reality is that you do not have to host them if you don't want to.. you also can push off and turn down invitations with think excuses.. or encourage your DH to see his daughter without you.

I mean.. I can understand not wanting to spend loads of time with a bore.... but to an extent.. I could see grin and bearing it a couple times a year just as you might if your DH wanted you to go out with another friend.. or coworker boss that you didn't particularly care for.  It is his daughter after all.. but you can go and tune out much of what is said.  Or engage the BF in conversation.

The issue of her wanting money or stuff from dad is separate... and I would turn off any of THAT talk.. with a "Oh.. we are here to have a lovely dinner honey.. you can talk to missy about that another time".. 

Again.. focus on someone else.. like her BF.. carry on conversation with HIM.. (which means he is less available to her whisper sidebars.. lol.).   

but by declining several invites.. you will probably find they come fewer and further between.

BobbyDazzler's picture

I disengaged 2 years ago from my narcissist Oldest SS39 and it has been wonderful.  My husband has little to no connection with this son and was turning to me to help with that non-existent connection.  This SS is condescending, self-entitled, and rather toxic.  He and his wife (she's also narcissistic but also an enabler) have 2 little girls.  I don't consider them my grandkids and they are never involved in my DH's life.  My SS is responsible for involving them with him...but that doesn't happen.  Thank God I only have to see this jerk 2 or 3 times a year. Admittedly, I give SS39 to much room in my head but I'm working on that.  DISENGAGE, go Greyrock, from this idiot stepdaughter.  You won't regret it. NOW, depending on how your DH reacts to that will tell you if it's a healthy marriage or not.  Best of luck!

MissTexas's picture

In other words, disengage.

You said it best, "...why should I let her drive me away..."

If you're happy othewise then put this in perspective, you only see her here and there, and you don't have to at all. I'm not minimizing the hell it is when YOU DO SEE HER, but it's YOUR CHOICE. You're an adult. That means you are in charge of who you share your company and time with and who you don't.

Put her on the back burner and think of her as the NOTHING she is to you. 

Do what YOU WANT TO DO! Nothing less, and nothing more!