Why did he lie?

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Married 12 years 3 Adult SS. Had major issues with DH getting two youngest launched, @ 22 and 25. They are now 27 and 30 on their own now for about 4 and 7 years.

The 30 year old has been estranged for several years. He friended me on FB recently (DH not in it) and I was thrilled and told DH. It was SS b'day a week later and I wished him that and asked DH if he reached out. He told me he did but didn't get a reply and he doesn't think he has the right phone number for him.

DH was recently diagnosed with a lung disease. I reached out with private message to SS letting him know and that DH would be happy to hear from him, that he tried to contact him etc.

He wrote back that they have been in contact, he knows about the disease and how happy they are talking again.

I was dumfounded. I checked DH phone before I confronted him and sure enough there was a bday greeting from DH and a reply from SS and other communication.

I asked DH why he didn't tell me they were communicating. He still played dumb and said "he wrote back?" We looked at the messages together and he had no excuse.

He said he doesn't know why he lied.

I feel like a fool. I did let SS know I wasn't aware they had reconnected.

I have no bios, have been good to his kids (they all live in other states now) so cant think of any reason he would bold face lie to me. Can you?

No, especially since you had

No, especially since you had presumably already told him that SS friended you on FB, it seems bizarre that for some reason DH saw fit to lie to you about it. I think he is also lying about having received replies, and about not knowing why he lied. He evidently had a reason for keeping the information from you. It would raise red flags for me if I became aware that my partner had lied to me about anything, but particularly about something important like this. It would certainly harm the trust between us.

Yes, trust is diminished.

Yes, trust is diminished. Would be nice if he would just be honest and tell me why.

Giving your dh the benefit of

Giving your dh the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he did not say anything because he was concerned he would be rejected by his son. My ss comes in and out of my dh life. My dh wants a relationship but it seems ss comes in briefly and then he is out again for no apparent reason. Just suddenly stops all communication. It hurts my dh and he feels shame. My dh is the victim yet when your kids don't speak to you it can protray an image making you the bad guy. Just something to think about.

Thank you. Thats a good point

Thank you. Thats a good point since SS does dissppear at times from everyone not just DH. But the fact that he lied is my issue especially since he knows how much I hate lying. Would have been nice to share the reconnection instead of denying it.

I'm guessing he was worried

I'm guessing he was worried that you would be upset about his son returning to his life. He most likely got the texts before you got the FB message, so he didn't tell you. Once you got the FB message, he probably thought you'd be mad if he said, "oh yeah, he texted me last week." (Mad as in why didn't he tell you right away??)

Does your DH have a history of lying or being conflict avoidant?

This is your cue to disengage

This is your cue to disengage. It's fine to keep ss as a FB friend but don't get overly chummy. Let your DH take the lead on this. It ALWAYS backfires when a stepparent gets involved and tries to facilitate the relationship between their SO and the estranged skid. I would let it go and not try to figure it out or read too much into it. I agree with the above replies that he's likely conflict avoidant, in denial, or feared rejection, and that's why he didn't say anything.

Thank you. I agree with you.

Thank you. I agree with you. I was reluctant and asked my friend if i should let SS know FH is ill. She thought it would be nice. But as they say, especially with steps "no good deed goes unpunished"

Thank you. Yes DH avoids

Thank you. Yes DH avoids conflict and is very protective of his sons which is why it was so difficult getting him to launch them.

Howver they all have there own lives now many states away, I was sad SS stopped talking to DH and was so happy he friended me. I was hurting for DH only to find out from SS that they had been communicating which is probably when SS friended me. I feel like such a fool.

I let DH know how I feel and now he's upset. So of course I feel guilty for upsetting someone who is sick and dealing with a serious illness.

Do NOT feel guilty. Your

Do NOT feel guilty. Your husband is the guilty party here. If he had not lied, you would not need to tell him you're upset. Being sick doesn't get him a pass for bad behavior having nothing to do with his illness.

Thank you for that!

You're not a fool and you

You're not a fool and you have every right to your feelings. It sucks to be lied by a spouse but he is obviously not being honest with himself about the situation. Parents who are estranged from their kids often have their own issues around communication that has nothing to do with you. Take my word and don't get involved in this reconnection with ss. Listen and be supportive but do not emotionally invest in it. If DH mentions they talked, "Oh how nice" then redirect the conversation. I would not ask for updates, how they're doing, when they've talked, nothing. This is DH's issue and they may become estranged again. DH may say something and ss could go running. This is DH's trainwreck that he and ss created. Let them have their little drama/reunion whatever is going on but steer clear! Do whatever you were doing before ss came back into dh's life.

Thank you! Wise words!

"I don't know"

"I don't know" is a child's answer. Tell him that. Adults may have to give some thought in order to be able to provide a geuine answer to why we do things but we should be able to do it.

I wish I could think of a

I wish I could think of a reason or even a weak excuse for why your DH would lie to you about this.

I'm sorry for you that DH is such an idiot.

smh

The message that I would give DH if I were you is ...."The answer is no. You did not respect me or our marriage enough to even have the balls to ask me if your daughter could move into our home before telling her and her idiot mother that she could. She can not. And you are going to call her and BM and tell them that you were not man enough to discuss it with your wife. More importantly you better know that if you ever try anything even remotely like this again you are gone and I will do everything in my power to put you living under the local over pass with nothing. Am I clear?"

Hmm. I think you meant the

Hmm. I think you meant the last paragraph for another poster.

Thank you for your response.

this weekend

Munchkin SD13 is on lockdown with her mother.

I was communicating with her everyday, just a "hi how are you" type of thing.

This weekend we even facetimed a little and she seemed happy.

Then I had to explain that we are re-homing one of our two kittens, to a good friend who can help her potty training the new puppy. I explained that it was her fathers decision and her fathers kitten and that my friend is extremely excited and my friends 90-year old father is extremely excited.

Boom. Complete silence.

My point is that you should not try to facilitate anything in your DH's relationship with his kiddos. Thats up to them. Continue having a pleasant relationship with them for yourself.

My Dh will omitt information - so my trust has been eroded - and I cant imagine if he had been in contact with his kids without telling me , I cant imagine how that would feel.

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