Why can't you just get over it already!!?
I heard this phrase once again from DH the other day. There is a big Thanksgiving dinner with DH's extended family and of course SD and her family are going. The venue is 2 hours away from our house.
I don't want to go for a couple of reasons and never once mentioned SD as one of them. DH assumes this is the only reason I don't want to go - that I don't want to see SD. This is part of the reason but I never said her name once in the conversation.
He pulled the "why can't you get over it already" card out and got all huffy and puffy. He was just speaking with SD the same day so she must have got under his skin too. He also said - so we had a bad year - get over it! I almost laughed when he said that, but I did say "try a bad decade or more". It was well over 15 years of BS - I think there was BS during the first 5 years too but I was just too blind to take notice.
I have been disengaged for a couple of years and she still tries to interfere and cause trouble from a distance. DH falls for it every time.
So we are barely speaking again - why can't he just get over it and stop expecting me to sit by quietly while I am ignored, whispered about in my presence and sometimes ridiculed with sarcastic innuendos. I am so done!
Why do some men minimize to this extreme and do they really think we should stand around taking the emotional abuse?
Well, said, Echo, and
Well, said, Echo, and congratulations on ridding your life of the rubbish.
I like that " Because I don't
I like that " Because I don't want to and I don't have to!" Good answer.
Here's my advice......DON'T
Here's my advice......DON'T GO !.....seriously.......
Put your foot down, and keep it down. If the DH wants to go to Thanksgiving dinner (you must be a fellow Canadian, eh ? ;)) then have at 'er !
I would rather spend the day alone then be in the company of ANYONE that would, as you say, ignores, whispers about you in your presence and sometimes ridicules with sarcastic innuendos. If you're done, then be DONE ! STAY done !
How credible do you think your DH is going to think you are, if you pick and choose between what you're going to attend and what you're not ? He's already not speaking to you, so leave it at that ! Any partner that would force or guilt you into doing something or going somewhere that makes you feel THAT uncomfortable, needs a reality check....and you're just the one to do it.... the ONLY one to do it.
The fact that he makes the comment 'why can't you just get over it', tells me 2 things:
1) You've given in before. You didn't stay 'done'
2) You give him EXACTLY what he gives his daughter; their way. And all he knows is that eventually you'll cave.
You and I both know that 99% of the reason you don't want to go, is because she'll be there....he doesn't need to know that. It's enough that YOU do.
Stay strong, girl, and remember; If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
If you always do what you've
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
^^^Love this ^^^
Whodalolly - yup fellow
Whodalolly - yup fellow Canadian here. Ontario - where are you?
I have not given in for 2 years now. I did once when we first moved away from SD (2.5 years ago) and that did not end well.
More hard feelings and anger - so I decided never again. I did not go to Xmas last year at SD's either.
I informed him that I was done with the BS and will not subject myself to it anymore.
Feels like he validates SD's behaviour by minimizing mine. Sometimes this makes me feel paranoid or am I being gas-lighted?
Ontario as well, honey
Ontario as well, honey
'Feels like he validates SD's behaviour by minimizing mine' ~ that's the story of my life. You'll soon learn that it's the story of MANY of our lives on here, but I plan on taking the advice of those that have been in our exact situation, and made it clear to their significant other, in no uncertain terms, that they refuse to subject themselves to the ignorance and disrespect of their skid even one more time. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result......and I'm done goin' crazy.....
I will FOR CERTAIN be taking the direction of Echo's words.....perhaps even verbatim !
My husband was the same way
My husband was the same way til his sons attacked him and then amazingly he too wanted nothing to do with them. It was okay for them to disrespect me, not sure why but boy don't disrespect hubby. My husband has temper and when someone does him wrong he holds grudges. He's forgiven the one son but remains quite disenchanted with the oldest right now.
Your husband would have to walk in your shoes to understand your pain. He is not putting himself in your situation.
I'm quite fortunate in that
I'm quite fortunate in that DH's family adores me and can't stand SS30. They might tell DH to stay home if he wanted to bring SS30 to a family reunion. They are very nice people so they might not actually say it, but I can guarantee that they would think it.
My DH is very well liked by many people. More than once someone has approached me and asked how to handle not wanting SS around. They love DH and don't want to hurt his feelings, but they just would prefer not to be around SS. Then behind the scenes I make sure that SS is not around.
I'd just tell him, "I don't
I'd just tell him, "I don't have the unconditional love for her that you do." Parents have and maybe have to have unconditional love for their children. Step-parents don't. Maybe it is something in the genes, I don't know. But, a bio-parent can forgive their kid 1,000,000+ over and it will be business as usual. BUT, that is just a bio-parent. That doesn't apply to anyone else. Bio-parents tend to forget that and expect everyone else to be as forgiving with their children as they are and to move on as quickly as they do. In reality, it just isn't in the DNA.
The best was when my DH's
The best was when my DH's eldest daughter - the same one who was and still continues to be totally bullying and abusive to me - once used that same stance....a way to disregard all her mistreatment, "why can't people just get over it" was her attitude
That is such a cop out. A way to not own up to mistakes. An easy route for the lack of accountability for their actions
Be a class act around them, but avoid them as much as possible. Why would you invite abuse in your life.
I do support my DH and go to family functions that I know his eldest daughter and sister will be at. I am polite and respectful and never lose my cool. But that is it. I do not engage them in conversation or make any effort any longer to "bond" I'm happy, positive and friendly, especially around the people who are genuinely like that with me, but I simply politely have nothing to do with the ones like them who I know do not have my best interests at heart, who love to see me fail, and spend their time plotting to bring me down.
I'm "over" them and that crap, and that is why I avoid them like mad!
"Why do some men minimize to
"Why do some men minimize to this extreme and do they really think we should stand around taking the emotional abuse?" Because they just don't want to see it. There were several times during 20+ years when I tried to tell DH how rude and vicious SD was. He chose to ignore the sarcasm and rudeness, and most times SD was much, much more rude when DH was not present. But eventually SD had a meltdown in DH's presence. DH as able to see for himself how bad the situation had gotten. Even then, he was in denial until the subject of divorce was presented to him.
Isn't it odd how we live with such a double standard? WE are supposed to 'get over it', but bring up something that really got to them, tell them to 'get over it' and it's totally different. This may seem to be 'small thinking', but I will only give DH the degree of support that he gives to me - no more, no less. In your case, I would tell DH that you are done with him expecting you to sit by quietly while you am ignored, whispered about in your presence and sometimes ridiculed with sarcastic innuendos. And you WILL get over it when he starts to place his marriage as top priority.
Skeeter, I totally agree with
Skeeter, I totally agree with you. It is important that you make your boundaries and STICK TO IT. I am constantly being accused of overreacting when it has something to do with the Step kids. I have learnt to make my boundaries and that is that! Believe me, your dh will soon get the message and understand that you mean business.
I no longer endure time or energy on two of my Step kids. SO knows that I do not do lunch, dinner or events with them, unless there are other people in the party. The situation has to be diluted. Since I made that decision, it has made our lives a lot easier, not to mention our how much our relationship has improved. I simply told SO, that unless he removes his butt of the wall, I would not dine or anything else with the 2 stepkids that make my life hell. I told him I felt uncomfortable around them and vulnerable as I knew that he would not defend me, if anything happens. When that changes I will reconsider.
I was once told by my counsellor that deep down they know exactly what is happening, but it is suppressed. I totally believe this. They know that we are being mistreated by their children. But it is easier to attack us than their children.