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Where to Draw the Line

Ifonlyitwereeasy's picture

Like most of you on here, being a step-parent of adult children has not been the happiest of experiences. My DH and have been togerther for 6 years and have a blended family. His two oldest daughters are 27 and 23 and each have 2 young kids of their own. Their mom took off when they were 2 and 6, so they are definetly daddy's girls. His other two from his 2nd marriage are 16 yr old boy / girl twins. My boys are 14 and 7  and we have a 4 year old together. I could go and on on with tales and stories of the older daughter's jealous and nasty passive agressive behavior, but there's really no point. I am a kind a giving person and have never done anything, but care about them and did my best to be a friend to them and include them in my daily life, which obviusly backfired. One of them told me she is jealous of me. That she hated seeing how happy her dad ws with me. She hated me any time he did something she didn't like... when we purchased a home together and even more so when we had a child together. While I hoped the conversation would make things better... it hasn't. I'm excluded from everything and the only stuff I know about them is what I hear from their dad. The oldest one even has be blocked on FB... 

Family is everything to me... while I would love nothing more than to be one big happy family, where the word "step" doesn't exsist - it most certainly does. It's not just his kids, his mom has never even called me in the 6 years we have been together. They pretty much ignore my children as well as the 4 year old we have together. They exclude me from everything, except when there are gifts involved. The first 4 years were spent with my DH defending or excusing their behaviors and the only person ever held accountable for their actions was me... I shouldn't have listened, I should have walked away, I should have thicker skin etc... it sucked. I was sick of him wanting to sweep everything under the rug. I was sick of being called the issue because I wanted to establish boundaries for my own sanity. 

I do still have animosity towards him and his older girls, but am doing my best to face it, talk about it and process it better. I feel hurt. I feel not important. I feel excluded. I do realize that they will probably never welcome me, that they will probably always ignore me, but most importantly, that the only person I can control is myself and my reactions to it. However, I do always worry more about other people than I do myself. No matter how they treat me, I can't help, but wish it were better and ultimately sometimes I just feel bad that knowing my presance has messed with their family structure. While it is nothing that I have personally done (I have only encouraged my DH to spend time with them as much as possible) there is definetly a division between them that didn't exsisit before and for that, as a mother, I feel bad about it. But I don't know where the happy medium is... between my happiness and theirs?

Where do you draw the line?

I do not like holidays anymore... we usually spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Easter at his mom's house about an hour away with all of them. It's usually incredibly uncomfortable - not only for me, but for my 14 year old as well and I just don't see spending the rest of my life spending holidays with people who do not aknoweldge me or want me or my kids around. On the flip side, I fear my Dh wouldn't go without me. I don't want him to feel like he needs to choose between going and staying. I just don't want to spend every holiday in misery and I always leave there much more depressed than when I arrived. On top of that is  the guilt I feel if I don't go. This sucks! I feel like life should be enjoyed and celebrated and instead I am stuck analyzing what the right thing to do is... 

What is it? Do you just turn off your feelings? Do you put a frozen smile on your face and go... or do you choose your own well being and put your foot down and say, no... I deserve more than this... ugh so hard! Help!!!

On a side note, anything that has helped in situations like this? I know I am one of many! 

JRI's picture

You sound like a kind and loving person but you need to do a BIG mind shift.  Those girls will never accept you, you need to totally disengage from them but more importantly, from the idea that you can somehow make it one, big hapoy family.  It isnt going to happen you're making yourself unhapoy trying to achieve the impossible.

Read the posts about disengagement.  Seriously realize that you can't make it all well, ain't gonna happen.

I predict that once you do that, you'll be able to tolerate the holiday events better.  Goid luck.

 

Ifonlyitwereeasy's picture

Thank you... in theory, disengaging sounds AMAZING! To get myself from here to there... I wouldn't even know where to start. Counseling??? I am sensitive... a feeler, a lover and a giver... and while I do know and realize that they are not going to change and that only I can change my outlook or turn off my feelings or reactions. I don't know how to get myself there. I'm trying. Things still trigger me and my emotions and then I feel guilty. The 23 year old had her 2nd baby today - he's adorable! My DH sent me a photo - she never would. I want to be happy for her and I want to by happy for my DH (congrats grandpa!) but it's hard to smile looking at a photo - knowing it's one more person I wont get to have a relationship with.  

I'll do some research on disengageing... it totally goes against my nature to be honest - but I am going to give it a shot. Thank you! 

Davidp's picture

I've been living a similar hell for 3 years now.  I could tell you stories that would have you falling over.  I have 2 almost grown boys that are independent, polite, hard working and respectful.   My only knock on them would be their slobs but for me thats an easy one to look past when they're genuinely good people who treat others properly.   I inherited 2 SS who are just the opposite.   I'm not sure if step dads feel any different than step moms in the same situation but what I will never get past or be okay with is lazy disrespectful young men treating you like trash in your own home.  My story is like so many others,  dreading the holidays, a house full of tension, not living my best life because of entitled shitheads who haven't been served a slice of humble pie their entire life because mommy and daddy always stepped in. 

I'm not encouraging anyone to leave their SO but what kind of life is this for anyone? I mean I left my first marriage because I wanted happiness and this is where I ended up.  How ironic right.  Is there any relationship worth years and years of this kind of stress? Discovering this forum made me realize this shit goes on forever.   Even after SKs leave and live on their own!

Ps mine never will and if they do they're so useless I'm positive they'll be back. Probably with a girlfriend and baby!

I've tried setting rules and boundaries but they never stuck because SO always caves.  She agrees completely but is just not capable of finding her backbone.  Clearly or these boys wouldn't be they way they are now. I expressed my feelings over and over.  Heard what I wanted to hear but talk is cheap and nothing changed

Finally had enough a few weeks ago and pulled the plug on the whole blended family thing. I'm done dwelling on shit and trying to solve issues that really aren't mine to bear.  Interesting now that we are moving to our own houses and SO is sending her oldest son packing.  23 is old enough to be on your own if you're not willing to follow basic house rules and be respectful to others living under the same roof.  Imagine my confusion.  Living together shes unwilling to do what's right and practice some tough love but I say I'm done and house is sold and papers are signed shes all of a sudden found the courage to cut this kid loose and let life teach him.a.lesson. UFR.  Why not a year ago when I begged her for change and told her I'm not going to be able to take it much longer?

Sorry for going off on a tangent.  I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're able to exit the situation financially speaking then thats a perfectly viable option. Perhaps relationship with SO will actually improve because at least one home won't be burdened with all the stress.  Probably not a popular opinion but why deal with this crap for years and years or maybe the rest of your life

Ifonlyitwereeasy's picture

I feel your pain and the anger you feel because of it. I am so sorry that any of us have to deal with this. 

I am perfectly able financially to walk away, but am not ready to do that. While it may seem sometimes like 1 step forward and 2 steps back - I do feel like some progress is being made with my husband... just not with the older SKs. I wish you the best and think that putting your foot down and walking away is sometimes the only choice left. 

MissTexas's picture

start, and it is a process.

I don't like doing things apart. I did not get married to do things solo so he can have his love fest.

That being said, I had to choose, and ask myself, ."...what makes me the most miserable? And how do I conquer that?"  Being around them! That's it. Doing something that brings ME JOY and makes my heart smile is what I have had to learn to do.

While I don't like sending him packing to see them (which he RARELY DOES because he wants me to drive and cater to him), I have learned I can make my own fun. I drive to meet a friend for lunch or dinner. Get a pedicure, work in the yard, read a book, watch a movie, or anything else I please. That is not to say I don't think about it and him being with them and me being excluded, but it is far better (usually) than the alternative.

I refuse to be around such hateful people. Sadly, the madness continues as the SK's will drip their venemous poinson into their kids' minds, and turn them against you, rather than letting the kids form their own opinions about you. It's all so stressful and dysfunctional. People stay for different reasons; they share kids together, financially it's more feasible, and the list goes on and on.

The bottom line is, you need to go where you and your babies are celebrated, not merely tolerated. 

As you said you'd read up om disegagement. That's a start. Find the right balance that works FOR YOU first and foremost. It is a process.

Ifonlyitwereeasy's picture

Thank you... it's such a disappointment that any of us have to deal with this. Hearing from so many that this is the "norm" makes me sad. What happened to good ol love, respect and communication??? Ugh... One of my SD had a baby earlier this week and the other SD"s oldest turns 5 and has a birthday party coming up in a few weeks. I know it's going to take some deep breaths, self love and as you said finding things to bring me joy, to keep me untriggered and nonreactive.  I've made excuses for so long... even doubting my own self and kindness at times - because sometimes that is easier than realizing how terrible and passive aggressive SKs can be. I've gotten stuck trying to be the bigger person, which only leads me back to being places with them feeling depressed and miserable. No more... I appreciate the wisdom and suggestions. I'm on it! 

Survivingstephell's picture

There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I highly recommend it.  There are various chapters on boundaries for differ parts of your life.  It is religious based but you can ignore that part if it doesn't work for you and focus on the basic concepts for boundaries.  Amazon has used copies.  It gave me clarity on what I do need to own and what I can set free.  

Survivingstephell's picture

I also have been recommending this book for years.  If nothing else it clarified what I was to own and what wasn't mine to own.  

Ifonlyitwereeasy's picture

Agreed - and honestly, I think my older SKs are even happier with my boundries. They want their dad's sole attention - so I think it makes them happier when I don't attend gatherings or events anyways.  

Rags's picture

So, you feel guilty and are appologizing because you exist.  Hmmm>  How is that working out for you.

STOP IT!

THe toxic harpy adult SDs should get no more consideration from you than if htey were any other toxic adult that was not worth your time.  That your DH does not recognize them for the POS toxic nasty adults that they are says more than I care to know about him.

Time to start y our own holiday traditions.  Mother's day should be spent with your children and not with your DH's failed family progeny.  He can spend father'd day with them, though I would make him fully aware that he owes the young daughter that you share his fatherly dedication. His adult nasty spawn have had their turn with daddy, it is your young daughter's turn.

In the off and highly unlikely chance that his harpy adult spawn grow up and become decent people, respect the mother of their young sister, and stop being nasty POS people, then engage with them.  It is time for you to grow a spine and put your foot up your ball-less naive DH's ass and force him to step up as your husband and as your young daughter's father.

Grrrrr.

This guy pisses me off to no end.

I am sorry you have had to deal with his failures as a father, a man, and your husband.

Bad

Survivingstephell's picture

I'd also like to add that even if you walk away it doesn't necessarily mean divorce.  It might be time for clarity to set in , priorities seen clearly and a new beginning to happen. Sometimes burning it all down , seeing what's left and starting anew can be a good thing.  It's what happened in my situation.  

still learning's picture

It sounds like you and DH need to create your own family holiday traditions rather than just go along with what his children and mother wants.  You can start baby stepping away without announcing it to everyone.  What about your side of the family? Do you ever spend holidays with them?  Can you go on vacation for holiday rather than to his mom's.  He could facetime her from wherever you are.  Maybe spend xmas eve with her and reserve xmas morning for staying at home.  

For your sanity something needs to change.