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Firemedic0822's picture

Sorry if this is long

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years.  We moved in together about 7 months ago which was about 8 months earlier than we planned but due to her financial irresponsibility’s we had to move that time forward.  We were waiting for her oldest son to go to college. 

 

We both have 2 children. I have a 9 yo daughter a 6 yo son and she has a 12 yo daughter and an 18 yo son.  Yep you guessed it.  The 18 yo is the problem.  

 

Let’s call him John for this discussion.   Just a little background on him. Him and his sister have different dads.  My GF left his dad when he was about 2 years old. She had him at 21 and wasn’t ready for a child. They remained very good friends the entire time until about 3 years ago (will explain later).  She remarried when he was about 5 and again she left her last husband when her daughter was 4. 

 

Through the years John’s dad was an active part of his life and a great dad.  About 5 years ago his dad got a new girlfriend. John and his dads new girlfriend never got along. For good reason too. She is a little crazy. To the point to where my girlfriend and his dad no longer talk due to jealousy. Johns dad ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant and they got married.  He has been a deadbeat dad since then. No child support financially, emotionally, physically and is basically nonexistent.  

 

My girlfriend obviously feels bad for john so she lets him basically walk all over her. He is a good student. All A’s and honors classes. He got a scholarship to college and all in all is a good kid....the problem is he is lazy and takes no responsibility for anything.  

 

At times he is disrespectful to his mother, doesn’t contribute to anything around the house except when he is told(takes no initiative) and thinks the world revolves around him.  

 

When they first moved in we told him that we would buy him a car so he could see his friends since we moved 20 miles away from his old home and current high school(in south Florida that’s far lol). He has no interest in driving so his mom pays for Uber everywhere and for someone who’s finances aren’t in order is the last thing that should be happening.  On top of driving he also orders Uber eats all the time which also is a financial drain.  

 

I am very Money conscious.  Prior to them moving in I had a very balanced budget.  We agreed on sharing some of the bills which hasn’t gone so good either.  We often fight about her son and I feel like he needs to take more responsibility around the house. If he isn’t going to contribute to society like getting a job(I know right now isn’t the time due to the pandemic but it wouldn’t make a difference anyway) then he should be helping out around the house instead of logging 14 hours of PlayStation time.  

 

I come home from work and the garbage is full with another full bag sitting on the floor next to the garbage can.  The dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink is overflowing with dirty ones.  I feel like his mom enables him way too much because she feels bad about his dad.  Quite frankly I’m really getting sick of it. 

 

About 6 months ago when he turned 18 he took his money and opened a stock investing account.  To my surprise he did very well...to the point that we let him invest a small amount of our own money just for kicks.  We even told him we would give him a 10% commission on whatever he makes us.  Let’s just say in the first week he made us $2k. After that he told his mom he wants 20%!  She actually stood up for herself and said he should be doing it for free.  I gave him his commission and an advance because he mad a bad play on his account and a good one on ours.  He ended up loosing all of the money he made for us but it was a good learning lesson.  I received an email from my investing firm that another bank account was linked to my account and that a withdrawal was pending.  Basically John tried to take $200 from the account without me knowing.  That was after giving him $200 as an advance on future profits which never came.  I told my GF that he needed to pay me back the money but without a job it’s kind of hard.  

 

Recently we have been doing some major renovations to our landscaping around the house. I told her I wanted him to help. He has maybe put in 3 hours of work to our 80.  He sleeps all day and plays video games from 4pm to 6am. It frustrates me every day.  The fact that I have my career and a second home business and have a very strong work ethic. I feel like my GF and I shouldn’t have to do things like empty the dishwasher and take out the garbage after working all day.  

 

BTW We are both on the front lines of the pandemic.  

 

So with this frustration I try to talk to my GF about it and she turns around and gets frustrated with me.  It’s basically the only thing we fight about.  How do I get through to the both of them.  Should I confront John and possibly make things worse?  Should I continue to bring it up to my GF and destroy our relationship?  I keep telling myself that when he goes to college it will get better.  Another problem is, he is getting an apartment with 3 other friends for college instead of staying in the dorms(another bad idea I feel).  He has no life experience. Has never had a job. Doesn’t have a drivers license.  Can barely cook for himself and he wants to live in his own.   I am completely lost.

hereiam's picture

We moved in together about 7 months ago which was about 8 months earlier than we planned but due to her financial irresponsibility’s we had to move that time forward.

Big red flag, right there.

Firemedic0822's picture

Yeah. I know. She has a great job and makes good money. But she spends it as fast as it comes in.  We have been working on it. It's mostly the Uber and eating out. She has done better with cooking and realizes it's and issue. That problem is basically fixed.  We had a long conversation about the finances a while ago. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, that's where I first thought - oh, this isn't going to work. Frugal people and frivolous spenders can't live well together.

justmakingthebest's picture

You can handle this thing 2 ways

1- Make a big deal. Start demanding he pitch in more. If things aren't done, remove power cables, turn off wi-fi. Make his life miserable until he learns what is what.

2- He goes away for college in what 3- 3.5 months? Raise a stink when something REALLY grates your nerves but try and let things roll off you. Focus on him finding a job. Most grocery stores are hiring right now, get a job and save up for college. Make sure that he is aware that when he comes home for the summers he will be expected to work. If he doesn't he will need to find alternate plans for summer  vacation. ** If your GF isn't on board, it might be time to move her right on out. **

Firemedic0822's picture

Maybe financially irresponsible wasn't the correct term. She's a single mom and tries to give her children the world. Even if she can't afford it.

beebeel's picture

If she were still in her 20s and working a shit job, you could walk back your initial description. The fact that she makes a decent wage and she's pushing 40 means she is financially irresponsible. And she has taught her son to be the same. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Let him live on his own, but I would be sure to have a talk with SO about putting aside a set amount as her contribution to his school and not a penny more no matter what happens. If he gets himself in a jam he needs to figure it out for himself or he will never learn. 

SteppedOut's picture

Talking to his SO will do nothing but make him feel good until it happens... and shr bails him out.

CLove's picture

Well, you have 3 problems to solve here.

1. the 18-year old is not contributing in any way to household financially. He is an adult. Charge him rent, and give him a time-line to pay it. He needs to buy his own food. Momma needs to cut the apron strings, because she is enabling him to be disabled. 

2. Theft -  his stealing without paying it back is a really big issue. I have SD21 who I refer to as Feral Forger. See my blogs. It doesnt get better - because no recompense has been given and no repercussions have be instituted.

3. He is not helping with any chores. Make a chore-list like hes a kid. And no wifi or electronics if they are not completed. He is acting like a man-child so you must go to that level. Dont sweep it under the rug.

Who is paying for college expenses? SO? She needs to bet her budget more in line if she is going to support both herself and man-child.

 

Firemedic0822's picture

My SO has a prepaid plan that is going to pay for his living expenses for the next two years.  College itself is paid for from a scholarship. He got a full ride for college. 

CLove's picture

Also what about a plan for getting your SO on board with charging kiddo. If he is expecting a free ride from you he needs to be proven wrong.

ndc's picture

Your girlfriend coddling her son and enabling laziness because his dad deserted him is NOT doing him any favors. The sheer gall of him taking money from your account without permission would have pushed me over the edge.  Your gf needs to step up as a parent and get this kid in line, because he's entitled and thinks he's above the rules.  She is as much the problem as he is, and she is doing him a HUGE disservice by allowing his current behavior. 

My inclination would be to have that conversation with her, then completely disengage with John, including not paying a cent for him for anything. No phone, she totally pays his living expenses, you don't pick up the slack for anything she spends on him, etc.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

There's a problem between your gf and John that was there, festering, before you ever met her. Unfortunately, you've got a front row ticket for the fall out. She felt guilty about him not having a dad, resulting in her overcompensating and parenting out of guilt. The result is a maladjusted, spoilt and resentful young man with unaddressed daddy issues.

Then there's the very common atavistic response males have when competing for a) dominance and b) a female. Many stepfathers and stepsons clash around this age - it's classic old bull/young bull stuff, with some Oedipus mixed in. He's challenging you, and you want to establish your place at the head of the table (which is absolutely where you deserve to be).

Lastly and most importantly, there's the huge difference in parenting styles and financial philosophy that exists between you and your gf. These are the two issues most commonly cited as causes for divorce, so you and your gf need to get real about this stuff. If the foundation of a relationship is to be secure, couples must be on the same page, working together as a team. You've taken a huge risk on this woman - on paper, she's a mess of poor choices, poor parenting, and poor impulse control. I think couples counselling and financial counselling could be a huge help for both of you. Having an unbiased third party to offer insight, new tools, and hold both of you accountable would be awesome, and you wouldn't have to be the bad guy all the time because there would be an outside entity your gf would have to answer to. Find help, and be open to it if you want to grow your relationship in a healthy way.

John is going to leave for college, and in theory will spread his wings, mature, and stop breastfeeding. Hopefully you and your gf will be able to agree on no other adults or boomeranging kids allowed in the home, and the John problem will take care of itself in time.

Frankly, I think your gf's problematic relationship with money is the most serious issue. Please keep posting here,and let us know how you're doing.

 

OnlyHuman's picture

Some kid --regardless of who--stole from me??  GTFO NOW!  Johns' mom isn't on board--she can go too!   That's complete bullshit!  One irresponsible person teaching another how to be irresponsible!  Fostering his laziness and self-entitled attitude is a path to ruin!  
 

PS). Most of my rage expressed here is with my own lazy good for nothing SS, almost 19 yrs old!  But if he were to steal from me??  He just earned his way out the door immediately!