A positive stepchild story? In steptalk?

I'm jealous

Call me "relieved" and "grateful" too if you come to my house to cook and clean and not be seen!

Disillusioned, you're a dream SM -- very understanding and most accommodating. I should be so kind and easy going. And I don't mean to downplay what you achieved in this trip:

It is not lost on me that your SD managed to be pleasant to you, her houseguest, as you cooked for her friends and cleaned her house. That puts her light years ahead of most of our SDs, who can NEVER be pleasant to their SMs no matter what we do for them.

But still...why does it have to be that you're bending over backward to appease what I still think is an unreasonable request of all that alone time with her daddy when you're on a couples visit to HER house? That just seems ridiculous.

Wouldn't it just be nice if you could ALL cook, then clean the dishes, then sit and relax together without having to take attendance of who's there?

Forgive me...I don't mean to be a wet blanket...I really don't...

Can you be my stepmom please?  

Disillusioned, if it works for you and you are happy,  that is wonderful.

I do agree with marblefawn, it does sound as if you are bending backwards to appease your SD.  If you are happy doing that, then all is good.

You are certainly understanding and patience.  There is no way on this earth I will make myself invisible to give the skids more time with their dad, especially in our home.   I do not mind if they go out to dinner, lunch or even trips away without me.   But when I am there, I am doing no disappearing act for anyone.  I could understand if they were children, I mean under 16s.  But big grown people, in a relationship, paying bills and doing adult things like the rest of us.   A big NO.

But as I said,  in stepzone,  we all have to do what is best of our individual situations and personalities.   But hats off to you!   I have lost the spark in the old "lets get skids on board campaign". 

You have a positive outlook on the situation. I personally believe that it is good for adult children to have "alone" time with parents, even if it is just a few hours. If your YSD is authentic in her appreciation and treats you well then by all means carry on!  From your DH's point of view, it sounds as if your YSD views you as a "couple" and is respectful of that.  All in all, it is refreshing to hear about "adult" members of a blended family understanding there is a "give and take" in relationship and making choices to keep all in balance.  You are fortunate.

I have done the same things that you mentioned to allow my SD time with DH - stepping back and letting them have lunch/dinner, making meals and tending to their needs whilst they visited when she stayed over, creating space for them to have weekend visits at her place...so very much.  The issue with SD is that instead of viewing my behavior and allowances as gracious acts of kindness, she deemed I was a pushover and overtly crossed the line. SD is a self-centered child with the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old.  Unfortunately, SD views DH and her as "the couple." Her enmeshed and embittered behavior required DH and I to disengage from her victim drama. 

It's good if your YSD sees the motivation behind your choices and truly appreciates your actions. Givers are not always suckers - we have discernment along with huge hearts. I do not see your YSD taking advantage of you - she sounds like a young mother who appreciated having help and was able to accept it (some people can't).  It doesn't sound like either of you have insecurity issues over DH or that either of you are trying to hold the controlling hand over the other.

More power to you, particularly because it will benefit any children involved to be surrounded by adults who are not conflicted and are respectful of each other. 

You are amazing Disillusioned and my only hope is that your SD really and truly appreciates you and not taking advantage of your good nature. You seem like a kind hearted person but do not ever let her think its a sign of weakness. You are generous and very giving of your time and energy, I hope your H sees and acknowledges that as well.

Whatever makes you happy darling!

There is a significant difference between adult children who are grateful for help and support from their parents, step or otherwise, and those who expect or demand it and make no effort to express their thanks.

My parents have been spending 5 days a week at our home since I broke my leg on 8-Sept.  Mom has been cooking and keeping things tidy and dad has been my personal Uber driver, grocery shopper, etc....

My wife would of course be doing all of that if she were not working 7days/wk 12-15hrs/day on business and extension tax season.

My parents are awesome and both my bride and I are very grateful for.their help.  We both thank them every day and pay for dinner when we go out.

I do also see that your SD does legitimately appear to appreciate your efforts and has demonstrated gratitude.  

Most of us with troublesome SDs never get this in any shape or form.  Like you, Dis, I've done all I can to give my SO and his daughter "alone time" over the years:  they've taken trips together, gone out for meals alone, I've done the hiding in the kitchen so they could sit and talk in the living room alone, found reasons to leave the house (shopping, errands), etc.   Did all of this for years.  None of it did any good as I still don't have a relationship with SD and never will.  

You are lucky in that you have hope in your situation.  If I had even a glimmer of hope, I would have been willing to keep trying.  Instead, I saw the real light of reality several years ago and am now disengaged.  

Great topic, Disillusioned.

in general, there's nothing wrong with remarried parents spending time with their adult kids. In "normal families", it's a healthy and regular occurrence. Here on STalk however, we're talking about already broken families. And some of our partners (usually men) unintentionally sabotage our step relations by dumping emotional labor on the step parent. This makes things easier for the SO, but can cause resentment In the wife/skids/relatives. 

In my step situation, my DH wanted me to always be with him during visits with his sisters and daughters. He preferred to have me act as hostess, social secretary and facilitate his relationships with his dysfunctional family. And silly me, I thought we were a tight unit and that I was helping by shoring up his social reticence. Instead, it put me front and center with a target.

DH practiced avoidance, and I was perceived as the obstacle blocking access to him. He simply never formed a deep emotional bond with his daughters. There's plenty of blame to go around for that, and I wasn't in the picture when the SDs were young. Despite encouraging everyone to have one on one time, as an outsider I was resented. So I stepped back, leaving these adults to shift for themselves, and I was resented for that as well. Un.Winnable.Scenario.

I love reading replies from Exjuliemccoy because it's like we have the same husband. My husband does not have a tight bond with his kids because his wife told lies about him and he disengaged because he was too whooped to fight her. His whole family is, as my later sister put it, "so heavenly minded they are no earthly good".  They think it's ok to talk crap about people as long as they go to church on Sunday. 

I too hosted and bought and thought about and tried to get to know and eventually accepted my place in the far back row because the "first" family was still so worried about the crazy first wife..and still is..there was no room for me, they made that known. 

Then SS36 borrowed money and didn't pay it back when he promised. He didn't say thank you when he got it, and he never mentioned his father in the epistle he wrote on Fakebook going on about how much his mother had done for them for Christmas. They had just been to our house and took home $500 worth of loot but were we mentioned? Nope. Did Dad get an honorable mention for the big loan? Nope Did I get thanked in person for the christmas gifts? Nope, Dad did and he hadn't thought of or bought a thing on his own. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Oh did I mention? The money was mine, from my dad's inheritance? My DH was broke, broke, broke when I met him and he moved into MY house...anywho

I googled "I hate my step kids" that Christmas day night, found this web site and started working on disengagement. I have not seen SS37 in 10 months. His wife is preggers by another guy and they are splitting up. I like to think that Karma got him, he embarrased me, now he is embarrased. He broke his dad's heart, now his is broken. He tore up his Dad's family, now his is in Shambles. If I see him again, and that's a big if, I can't wait to tell him that as long as he puts gas in the tank of the Karma bus it will keep running him over.

Oh and the crazy ex wife, she lives with SS36, doesn't work, signed up for SS benefits under my DH and due to her dementia, it probably won't be long until she's urinating on SS's furniture. Go Karma Bus Go!

You said you think she was appreciative. Did she actually thank you or are you assuming she is appreciative of your help?

Your answer will determine if this Skid is salvageable or a write off.