When you think your 21 yrs old SS has a thing for you..

Forums:

My SS is 21 yrs old and he lives with my husband and I, I’m being to feel like he has a thing for me and so does my husband. It is a very weird situation. My SS has always been affectionate towards his father not in a bad way just a hug here and there and I love you. When he moved in with my husband and I and got more comfortable with me he started to give me a hug good night or goodbye when he was going out which is not an issue on a normal basis but things seem to have changed recently. My SS has a bad relationship with his natural mom and a sort of good relationship with his father. My SS doesn’t seem to have a father son relationship with his father it’s more like their best friends with similar common interests. My SS has really never had a emotional connection with his father he doesn’t feel he can talk to him as much as he can talk to me as for personal things and tells me a lot more than he tells anybody . My SS has had a real rough month or so with feeling very depressed and started having an issue with drinking alcohol . Which the alcohol has been under control with no issues any longer he started seeing a therapist to help him with the depression which has helped a lot. That is the background of this so it up. But my issue now is that he has started with telling me how much he loves me and he could not be without me and that I am his favorite person in the world , which is very nice to say but he constantly tells me all day that he loves me and sends me hugs through text messages. So now when he gives me hugs they are not the same he doesn’t want to let go and it just feels different to me it’s a tighter hug. His father has noticed that the way he looks at me is different as well. I SS likes to have some one on one time when no one is around just for us to sit and talk but while we’re talking he always wants to hold my hands . I am beginning to feel pretty uncomfortable with this situation and I am at the point where I feel I need to contact his therapist which I will probably do but I’m not sure how to handle it directly with him . I would love to have some advice on the situation if anyone has any

Needs a GF

The old MIF , yes he has all this sexual feelings, and no GF to used it on. You are the next best thing, a woman

SS must go, and fast, rent him an apartment, pack his stuff and out the door

Serious

yes he does need a girlfriend, never had one. And not interested in one, too busy with school and work. Lol. As he says. As far as him.miving out never happen at least for a while.

This is a forum

This is a forum but not a Penthouse Forum. What is with all of these "my stepchild has the hots for me" posts? Is there a sudden shortage of psych meds that I am not aware of?

No

I am just looking for advice. I know that there must be others out there with similar issues !!

Is he

Also a really good boy with amazing grades and work ethic? Does he cook food for you?

Just sayin....

My oldest son is almost 16. He's a sophomore with 3 AP classes and active in theatre (first extracurricular he has shown interest in). He has good grades so he can participate in theatre. He does his chores with no prompting and not a lot of complaining. And...he has been known to go to me, his little brother, and dad to ask if we would like something he is cooking.

This is serious not a joke.

I am not the same age as my ss . It is a serious issue and I am just looking for advice on how to handle it. As far as a girl friend he has never had one. Please just serious comments

If he makes you feel

If he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home then it’s time for him to move out. He’s old enough to be on his own. I would ask DH to arrange for that to happen. You don’t want it to escalate to him attempting anything sexual with you. Try to prevent him from being labeled a criminal. Stop him from having access to you. State these things to your DH. If he tries anything sexual they won’t let you report him to the police because they will pressure you and coerce you into protecting him because he has a mental illness. However sexually predatory behavior and mental illness often go hand in hand. He needs more intense treatment. I would inform his therapist right away. if she is unaware then she can’t fully treat him. She can make a referral to a group home in your county for adults with mental illness and chemical dependency problems. That’s what he needs. Your home and you are not equipped to manage his level of mental illnness and CD problems.

Thank you

thank you for the Serious response. SS really doesn’t have a mental illness he was just overwhelmed with a schedule change he went from working day times to working nights and it affected him mentally which I have heard of and his therapist as well. Since he went back to working days his depression has subsided a lot. I do plan on contacting his therapist this week hopefully she can speak to or help him deal with his feelings towards me. As far as him moving out that would not happen right now financially he is not able to do that Hopefully after talking with his therapist there would be some kind of solution or something. Again thank you for your response

Depression is a form of

Depression is a form of mental illness. It will resurface.

He is exhibiting poor boundaries with you and you feel unsafe (psychological and emotional safety). Express this to the therapist. She will understand that language.

Thank you I will do that

Curious

SS is an adult and you are not his guardian or parent. Why would his therapist talk with you about anything?

Because

When my ss stared going to the therapist he gave them his permission to speak to my

Ok

work through this with me. You are wondering why your SS is getting too close with you but you want permission to talk with his therapist? Have you considered that maybe you are setting yourself up for this situation? Do you have feelings for your SS?

What country are you in? English doesn't seem to be your native language.

NOT the case

My ss gave them permission on his own before I knew of it. It’s not like I’m asking them to tell me anything that they have spoken about. Not for anything if you know that someone is in therapy and you know who it is, there is no reason why you can’t reach out to them if there is an issue. I would really appreciate it if you have no advice for me and just making comments like this then please don’t say anything at all. Thank you

Thank you

Some people don’t perceive

Some people don’t perceive reasonable boundaries of personal space. Though appearing far deeper than just a personal space issue that may be a good place to start. Make the hugs quick and when the 1:1 sessions happen make sure you sit in a single butt chair that has some separation from other available seating.

Vector the topics of discussion to him developing a social life with a peer group and minimize the deep intense interpersonal discussions.

He seems to be transposing his need for a meaningful couple type connection on to you.

It would probably be a good thing for dad to have a talk with him too.

Good luck.

Thank you

It sounds like you are a safe

It sounds like you are a safe kind motherly person for ss, you're in his home, available almost all the time for a hug or chat, bonus; you're female. Close quarters creates familiarity and often boundary issues. Since the living situation isn't likely changing anytime soon you'll have to change how you relate to and interact with ss. If he's working nights now does he try to interact with you in the morning when he first gets off of work or is it later in the afternoon when he gets up? Whatever that time is make sure you are unavailable to visit with him. Look for the pattern, interrupt it, then change your schedule and routine. Let DH be the one to chat w/him during the times he usually chats with you. Leave the house to shop earlier than you normally would. Use the time that he would be chatting you up to catch up w/a friend on the phone or preferrably out of the home.

Can you physically create more space in your home from him? Move him into the basement a bit further away so you don't interact w/him so much? Create his own faux apt by cordoning off his area of the home and giving him a hotplate and small fridge in his room? In summary, do whatever you can to create as much space between yourself and ss as possible.

I actually have

i actually have been trying to a little bit more distance with him. My ss actually already has a bigger room in the garage and he has his own mini fridge. I will definitely take your advice on not being so available. Thank you for your advice.,

Overwhelmed

There are 21 yo who have wife or husbands, kid or two, work full time and go to school. And are not overwhelmed. Or they just don’t have time to be Overwhelmed !!! That is an excuse, big excuse. 21 yo living at home. What does he have to be depressed, about PlayStation is too old. Way more to this story.

your answer is. SK goes ASAP. Rent him an apartment, pay the first month rent, bring box’s of food. And may give him some money each month for rent. He needs a to be on his own.

Well, when SD's get too close

Well, when SD's get too close and clingy to their father's or Stepfathers, the advice most give is to flat out tell the SD that they are a bit old for that amount of affection. Your husband should be the one to tell SS he needs to back off a bit. And if that doesn't work, you need to tell him.

Secondly, is there a reason a 21yr old is still living at home with you both? It is definitely time for him to move out, especially given the circumstances. Your DH should give him a timeline to move out. It always baffles me that so many kids are still living at home at these ages. It's not helping anyone, unless there is a legitimate reason for it (They are going to school and have to move out as soon as they graduate).

School

yes my ss is in school and works, he pays us rent. I have taken others advice and either made myself busy doing things or if he wants to hang out we do it in the kitchen at the table and not in the living room. I was going to contact his counselor and see what she says. I just didn’t have enough time today to sit in the phone. Thank you for your input.

I have to echo what Rags said

I have to echo what Rags said about boundaries and vectoring, it doesn't personally sound to me like he is a threat, however not knowing his relationships to date with the female persuation he may be not only seeing you as a mother figuire but he might also see you as a love interest accidentally, if he is naive in male/female relationships he could be confused.

I do agree that Dad needs to step in and speak with him about his level of affection towards you, it could be nothing but better to be safe than sorry.

Latestly to your defense a 21 Yo still living at home is the norm nowadays, not that I agree with it but it's not out of the ordinary.

Thank you.

While inappropriate, this is

While inappropriate, this is not necessarily unusual in blended or adopted family situations.

We have very good friends who have adopted questioning teen boys (questioning their sexual orientation). The friends are two married gay men trying to make a difference. The first boy they were going to adopt formed an inappropriate attraction to one of the dads. That brought that adoption to a screeching halt at the insistence of the married couple.

When you inject adolescents or young adults who are emotionally fragile and dealing with intense situations an inappropriate bond can form toward a caring supportive adult. That may be what is happening with your SS. A young adult is now in a close living arrangement with an unrelated woman. This is not the first time this has happened and won't be the last.

An Oedipus complex is a thing for a reason and when the adult/child relationship does not include the obvious boundaries of a biological parent/child relationship the frequency of occurrence has to increase.

Good luck.

You are here

When you think your 21 yrs old SS has a thing for you..