When is it enough
Hi. I'm new here and I know I probably know the answers I'm seeking but also need validation at this point.
Almost 23 yr old SD moved in her girlfriend that has two toddlers, 2 years ago.
many promises were made to save money to get a place, promises of the house staying tidy, chores done and so on.
mover time the boundaries keep getting pushed. The girlfriend is toxic and keeps wearing down SD. The SD has tried and over extended herself in every direction trying to keep up while the gf does nothing.
now it's rubbed off on SD and we are left to keep the house tidy, take out trash, clean messes and no help. None. They've now been taking vacations and it's so disrespectful. The gf doesn't k ow we know how much of a financial mess she is in but walk around acting entitled and completely dismisses us. We've heard of lies and rumors she spreads to make herself look better.
i e gotten to the point I do not even interact with them. Her father has been angry but keeps hoping they find their own place.
i k ow it's not happening anytime soon and discussions need to be had but do not want to overstep my boundaries. Bit all mine have been crossed and I feel like a hostage in every direction of living my life.
I want to just leave as I am to a point of being completely resentful to everyone involved.
Yeah, I think I'd be at the
Yeah, I think I'd be at the point of letting him know it's them or me. You should not have to put up with these freeloading adults who don't even bother to help around the house. His "hoping" they will get their own place isn't going to make it happen.
This. There are times when
This. There are times when an ultimatum is appropriate. I think that time has come.
Agree with tog and ndc
This is a time when you should give the ultimatum. This is effecting your health.
Not only an ultimatum, it
Not only an ultimatum, it needs to have a specific date and forcible eviction.
Hoping?
SD is 23 and not entitled to live there. GF is a freeloader.
Step 1 - GF gets out now, with her litter of kids.
Step 2 - SD geta a 30 day deadline to move out. DH can help with first months rent somewhere but the rest is up to her. Sink or swim time.
I'm sorry you're in this
I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's so hard to get people to leave when they move in. You need to make it less comfortable for them. Make moving out a more desirable option than staying.
You need to get a eviction notes from the courts
To get GF out of your home. They will give her 30 to 90 days to get out. If SD doesn't leave get a eviction notes for her too. This is the only way to make sure they are out
They need to find their own
They need to find their own accommodations
Give them all deadlines. Give
Give them all deadlines. Give them a month or less, but either way set the time and day they all need to be gone. Explain to DH and to the them if you want (it might take numerous talks with DH before it sinks in for him) that living with you is not helping them. It 's actually hurting them. It's keeping them in a state of immaturity and an unhealthy dependence on you and your husband. Maturity and pride in oneself happens when we work for what we want. When we get what we need to support our family on our own we build confindence in ourselves. As long as you and your husband keep carrying all of them they will not grow as a person. They aren't going to one day realize by something you said or something you did that they finally feel ready to go out into the world and make their own way. They have to be forced into it. They have to have the rug pulled out from under them. They will probably blame you and try to cause all sorts of problems to get you take pity on them. For their own good you have to look the other way. You have to be selfish and fight for your own sanity as well. The biggest thing though to keep in mind is that by helping them you are hurting them. Sometimes the best help is to not help at all and this is one of those situtations.
I have been the adult child still living at home. I had my parents raising my kid, paying my car insurance, paying my phone bill, taking me shopping, taking me on vacations, buying my expensive makeup, paying for my expensive hair appointments, letting my friends stay with us, and dealing with my messes. Took me years to finally get on my own, working, and paying for everything myself. I don't hold it against my parents. I know they did it because they loved me and just wanted me to be happy. In the long run though it was not healthy.
I've also had the skids living in the house and bring their friends along. I finally convinced DH that letting them live here was keeping them from growing up and not progressing into independent adults. He finally saw my point and we got the adult children out. One of them got a job and is doing great on his own while the other not so much but it's on him and not us.
Good luck
Thank you
Thank you everyone for all the comments. I just saw them today because I'd felt so guilty inside "sharing" it.
it's been over a month and a half and During that time, obviously there has been no changes in the situation.
I can definitely see the changes in myself of my light feeling more and more dim.
I just really hate it's come to this. I truly tried and wanted to help be a positive influence. And now two years later I just feel trapped in a corner of living my own day to day life while accommodating for others.
No one truly cares about my happiness in this situation. We are new in our relationship of 4 years. I've kept most my things in storage because we hoped it would only be less than a year while helping them launch into their lives.
I feel so dumb.
I truly appreciate everyone's input, and makes me realize I need to take control back of MY life and live it.
I need to take control back
I need to take control back of MY life and live it.
Yes, you do and I hope that you do it, you will feel SO much better.