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What happens when Narcissistic supply goes both ways?

looloo's picture

Has anyone witnessed with their SO and SKids the co-dependency of NPD when BOTH parties are NPD? SD34 is a textbook Narc and he is too. They are so deeply involved with each other via text its like watching 2 lovers who just met! Its constant! He hides his phone, turns off the beeping around me so I don't hear how many times she is texting throughout dinner and the evening. He retires WAY early so he can run upstairs and read what he was too afraid to look at around me but the most disturbing part is the effect it is having on him! I don't know if I am imagining or what but he is SO much more inconsiderate toward everyone! Insensitive, clumsy, careless, irresponsible, accident prone and completely unkept!! 

 Is this a normal pattern for when co-dependency is reaching a peak of some sort? No one can discuss it with him either. My SIL who he loves very much, was trying to discuss letting her go from our company because I don't like her working with us and he was rude, he lied, and gaslighted him which was VERY unusual! He usually is very respectful to SIL. He is currently a walking disaster and I hate being around him! 

I just wonder if anyone out there can give their own account of this type of behavior! I am wondering if he needs mental help! Meds?? something??? Maybe I should be more worried than angry??? 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Your DH is acting like he is in the honeymoon stage of an affair. "Creepy isnt it." Say those three words to him daily. 

I did to my ex, it felt great to call the dick wad out on his behavior. He got defensive and angry, just like a guilty cheater is like when he is caught.

You need to exit this shit show once you have your ducks in a row.

To answer your question be more angry NOT worried. Holy cow has he done a number on you. You will get through this.

looloo's picture

20 years and several attemps at divorce will do any person in! You are right...he has done a number... I will be lucky if I can still find a soul! 

tog redux's picture

This is called "emotional incest".  And the narcissistic supply always goes two ways in these unhealthy parent-child dynamics. After all, it's the parent who sets up the dynamic, when their child is too young to know any better.

paul_in_utah's picture

Ex-fiance and her daughter ("Detective Pikachu" or "DP") have a similar dynamic.  Both are classic narcissists, but there are also elements of co-dependency there.  DP is the favorite child of ex-fiance, and they are very enmeshed with one another.  Ex basically views DP as an extension of herself, and it is like she is vicariously living a second life through DP.  They share everything, inlcuding details about their sex lives, and ex is constantly seeking DP's approval, while also seeking approval and affirmation from men (lots of men).

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think you should focus less on the narcissism, and more on calling it what it is - emotional incest/enmeshment.

Narcissism may well be a factor, but it's a rabbit hole you don't need to go down. Forget about the WHY. What causes the sick dynamic isn't important, and you're energies are better used elsewhere. The bottom line is, your H is having an affair with someone else. He's addicted to her, and will do/say whatever to keep getting that super potent, pure daughter love. He may use you for sex/domestic help/as a beard, but his loyalties lie elsewhere and you can't unknow that. Your pain doesn't even register with him. 

Screw him every way you can. Get angry, and use that to fuel momentum. Make sure your shark attorney uses the word INCEST as often as possible, and threaten to expose that. Then move forward toward a healthy, peaceful life.

CLove's picture

Yikes. You describing their relationship makes me a bit sick to my stomach.

Have you consulted a divorce attorney yet????

looloo's picture

What makes this a fascinating affair is that he has given her a job in our company (against my knowledge first and then approval) doing something we DO NOT need but it puts her in a position to deliver all the ego stroking news to him on a daily basis! How did he do that? So now I am helping to pay his dumbass daughter to blow smoke up his butt so she can demand more money and more trips because she provides the opium for his addiction with all the good news of the day. What weird people! And yes...time is long past for a good lawyer!

LARoman62's picture

Do your due diligence reguarding his money and assets before the divorce starts.  My guess is he has put quite a lot of his financials into her name.  Being as grossly close as they sound from your description he would trust her with them.  Get as much intel as you can on this "relationship" as well, private investigator perhaps.  It can be your grounds for uncontested divorce.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Narcissists have the best relationships with other narcs. The narcissistic parent always grooms at least one child to be like them.

Get out they will both torment and punish you.

I am currently dealing with this dynamic with BM and OSD. Right now they are both working together to target SO. He has been more open to learning about narcissistic families and how to parent within one and deal with each player. 

CLove's picture

Yes, This is what is happening with Toxic Troll and Feral Forger. TT has been "grooming" the eldest to be like her. They are firmly enmeshed. 

strugglingSM's picture

BM and my overly dramatic SS are on their way to building that relationship. SS spends nearly his entire weekend with us texting BM and telling her how terrible we are and how much he hates spending time with DH and all the "lies" DH is telling about BM. BM also texts him throughout the weekend to tell him about all the fun things she has planned for them and how much she misses him (he's only away from her for 48 hours every other weekend). When they want to freak out about something, they use the other as their mirror (BM freaks out when SS is upset and vice versa). It used to appear that BM was closer to SS than her DH and she's currently getting divorced, so maybe she was. Now BM has a new "boyfriend", so it will be interesting to see how SS handles it. According to other SS, enmeshed SS is "trying to warm up to" the boyfriend, but it must be weird. Stepdad has been gone for only a few months and boyfriend showed up immediately. Both SSs used to call stepdad "dad". I also wonder if overly dramatic SS is being shunted aside because BM has a new love interest...since she's undiagnosed borderline, she tends to go "all in" on any new love interest. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Unraveling the skein of f@ckedupness. Cause darling they are f'd up! Focus your energies on getting out of this unhealthy dynamic and go live your best life where you are valued 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Yesterday you said, "Today I took the first steps, storage unit, lawyer, collecting paperwork ..."

I know this is a difficult process and I don't mean to be abrupt, but if you truly decided that you need to divorce, you have many many things you need to be planning, arranging, and organizing. So I am confused as to why you are still posting trying to figure out what is wrong, what makes your DH/SD tick, etc.

This situation is not going to change and you know that.  Beating your head against the wall trying to figure out crazy is actually... crazy in and of itself. I think it might be beneficial for you to add a counselor to the list of people you need to consult. 

Stephell is like any other kind of abuse, it is scary to finally let go.  But let go you must or else you'll still be posting on here when you are in your 60s, 70s or 80s ... wondering why you didn't leave earlier. 

I wish you luck and strength to do what you need to do. 

looloo's picture

I needed this! There is so much on the line. I guess that is why I am still here! A major deal is in the works and at the lawyers advice I MUST wait until it settles before I can act. I am kinda stuck but you are right, I am looking for something to make this ok to live with and it NEVER will be OK. I am already in my 60s and that is another thing that stalls me. I am not young anymore! Sad

looloo's picture

I needed this! There is so much on the line. I guess that is why I am still here! A major deal is in the works and at the lawyers advice I MUST wait until it settles before I can act. I am kinda stuck but you are right, I am looking for something to make this ok to live with and it NEVER will be OK. I am already in my 60s and that is another thing that stalls me. I am not young anymore! Sad

looloo's picture

I have an update regarding STBX and his SD34 and me. I have less than a week left before I leave for my trip. After a few days on my trip I will file and have him served. I still have not gotten any revelations that I should stay. On the contrary.... there seems to be no hope! She is currently asking for more money and he has a passcode on his phone so that I am now shut out from knowing how much he is giving in to her OR if he isnt then how much she is abusing him as a result. 

 

As many suggested in this post, we are really talking about enmeshment, or maybe enmeshment trauma and it is causing a real and palatable change in his personality!

He is NOT the same person he was 6 months ago and it is NOT just me that notices it. My Operations manager, who I consider to be an extremely smart and intuitive person and who has a degree in Psychology, just NOW texted me this:

"Im telling you, she (sd34) has triggered him, Like her mom used to ( referring to husbands EX and mom of SD34)

It happens subconsciously, Thats why I stay away from certain people. 

I am not saying he would not have had his moments...But all of a sudden it took this dive...Like hiding passcodes"

That is quite striking! She deals with him as much as I do so she knows him quite well. 

This enmeshment and the personality changes observed are seriously becoming very apparent to more than ME!

 

 

StepUltimate's picture

Nice to hear from an intelligent, emotionally uninvolved 3rd party that your observations are accurate.

looloo's picture

That is why I need so much constant validation because I am so emotionally involved that I doubt myself too much! 

Rags's picture

Don't do that!

Know your value ... to yourself.