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What are good ways to help step daughter move out?

Hadenough34's picture

I’m just looking for ways to help me make my 33 year old step daughter be more uncomfortable in our home to “help” her to want to move out ASAP?  Lol  She’s way too comfortable right now & really has only been a moody B to me the entire time.  I know this sounds mean, but she has caused me so much stress & anger & I can’t take much more.  I’m looking at approx 7 months till my husband finally makes her leave to get her own place. He won’t make her go before that.  I’m hoping you all can help me with this.  

Thank you so much!  I appreciate it!

tog redux's picture

I'm personally very bad at causing conflict, I'd probably start looking for my own place, and let him know I'll come back when she's moved out.  Others on here can probably give you ideas on how to make it hard on her, but be prepared for your husband to come down on you like a load of bricks. 

Hadenough34's picture

Thanks for your input.  

caninelover's picture

From what you've described your SD will just go to your DH who is spineless.  SD doesn't want to move out so she needs to be told to do so. 

I actually like Tog's plan with one modification - tell DH that SD is too old to live at home and needs to move out in 30 days.  If he balks then say OK, you'll move out temporarily and will only return when she's gone.  

Hadenough34's picture

I spoke with him more regarding all my concerns. 

Winterglow's picture

Stop being so meek and mild. Tell your dh (because the problem is with him) that you didn't think he was such a pathetic apology for a man when you married him and that you hadn't realized he was already married to his daughter. That you thought you were marrying a MAN and not a nanny. Then tell him how disappointed you are in him... and let him think it over here. 

If he doesn't get up, give up. Why waste the rest of your life on someone who doesn't put you first!  

Hadenough34's picture

I had a further conversation about everything & that  there will be a definite end date for her departure.  No changing the date later.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

This may be the only way to get it done. Be prepared though your DH may never make her move out even with you gone. BUT that will give you clarity as to who he is really married to. 

Other than that I cannot think of anything. I think no matter what you do DH will resist or get angry. What you really should be asking yourself is what keeps you with a man who worries more about his adult DD than his wife. Heck dont get me wrong, I was you but my SD was younger. I put up with so much watching them as a married couple and I was the extra. Dont feel bad so many of us have or still are just like you.

Hadenough34's picture

Thank you for your input.  I got more stern in my conversation yesterday with him. I’m not going to continue going on with the same BS.  

Hadenough34's picture

No reason to be nasty!!! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's not being nasty. It's people feeling disrespected that they took the time to read and thoughtfully answer your previous posts only to have you re-ask the same question and ignoring their wisened input. If you don't like the feedback, don't take it, but don't be disrespectful by re-asking the same community the same question without taking anything previously shared to heart.

Hadenough34's picture

You are wrong!  I have read all the comments left & have been taking all of them to heart. I have also asked different things. Nothing wrong with that. I guess you are here just try to upset me.  Thanks!  You shouldn’t bother to respond.  That’s advice back to you. 

Findthemiddle's picture

how is Merry’s answer “nasty”?   

Merry's picture

Granted, I might have been short, but I wasn't nasty.

I don't know if this is a real problem or you're yanking our chain, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Your continued posts on the same topic and unwillingness to do anything yourself is an imposition on this community. If you need ideas, great. We've given them to you. If you need cheerleading, great, we can do that. If you want help with incremental steps, you're in the right place.  But repeatedly asking the same question, doing nothing, then asking again is a waste of everyone's time. Imho.

There have been a lot of stepparents over the years who don't like confrontation, who are relying on their spouses to fix the problem, and who are disappointed with the results. Many of those people have found the courage to take action themselves by moving out temporarily or permanently, divorcing, engaging in marriage or individual counseling, insisting that the adult skid move out. You seem unwilling to do any of that. In your last post I specifically asked you what you ARE willing to do for yourself, and that has gone unanswered.

My final piece of advice on this topic is that you might engage in some individual counseling for yourself to help you set some boundaries or accept the life that you have.

And I'm out.

Hadenough34's picture

I have started to take steps in the right direction.  All my questions are not all on the same thing.  I may agree with some advice & not others.  That is my choice.  

ndc's picture

I don't think you're going to be able to make the SD uncomfortable without making yourself more uncomfortable (due to problems with your husband).   There is no reason he needs to give her seven months to get out.  This is a grown woman who is gainfully employed and has had years to save for a place.  She can easily afford an apartment in a month or two.  If it was me, I'd move out until she's gone.  I suspect if you stay the seven months will come and go and she'll still be there.  You need to take a much tougher stand with your husband because he's either too weak or has no desire to stand up to his daughter.

Hadenough34's picture

Thanks!  I did speak with my DH again yesterday.  A date is being set & no pushing back the date for any reason.  

ndc's picture

That's good news.  I hope your DH and his daughter are really on board for that date, and that you have a Plan B in case the date comes and goes and the SD is still freeloading in your house.

When is the date, by the way?  I hope it's soon!

Stressed19's picture

You shouldn't have to move out your home to prove a point!

To make her uncomfortable just be honest. Start looking for places and share info with her. Invite your friends and family without giving her a heads up, she will feel out of place.

When she loses her "privacy" and is no longer comfortable, she will leave.

 

 

Evil4's picture

You will have to get to the stage of your fear of the thought of living with your SD forever is greater than the fear of the potential loss of your marriage. There is no way to get what you need and want without risk. If you do not want to take that risk right now, that's OK. But keep in mind that that means you will have SD as your sister wife as long as you are not willing to take that risk. There is no other way than to take that risk and tell your DH how you want it. There is no way of making your SD uncomfortable to get her to move out. She will have to be evicted and it will have to be your DH to do it. He will not do it until you require him to. I stand by what I said on your last blog. 

Hadenough34's picture

Thank you!  I agree.  

Harry's picture

Pay two or three months rent.  Tell SD to move.  Either by herself or with her father.  Then she is on her own 

 

Hadenough34's picture

Yes.  If my DH wants to put some money up to get her out, that’s fine with me. 

ESMOD's picture

If you are willing to do this, why not set a quicker moveout?  He can pay the first 2 months and deposits for her.. They have 30 days to find a place that she can move in within the next 90 days.  I know that sometimes there can be a small wait for an opening.. but they need to find the places they are willing to accept now.  know what they are looking at.

It's likely going to be easier for him to get her excited about a new place than it will be necessarily for you to just make it "uncomfortable" for her in the home.. and it's also likely that if you go to war with her that your husband will revert to protecting his kid and your deadlines get swept away.

lieutenant_dad's picture

1.) Make her park on the street. If she can't do that, make her park behind your cars and move her car every time you need to go somewhere. And make sure you need to go places often.

2.) All of her stuff and life happens in her room. No hanging out in the living room or basement or wherever. All her stuff gets stored there. She leaves shoes by the front door? Toss them in her room. Keys? Room. Mail? Room. Physically make her boundaries her room.

3.) No friends or partners can stay after 8PM. If she can't abide by that, no one comes over. And if they're over, they are confined to her room or outdoors. And no more than one person at a time. If she tries hanging out in common areas, hang with them, or do chores, or make a phone call, or whatever to disrupt them.

4.) She buys her own food and cleans her own dishes. Dirty dishes get tossed in her room to be cleaned. If they are your dishes, lock them up and she can buy her own. Food should be labeled - or she gets her own shelf in the fridge and freezer.

5.) She pays part of the internet or she doesn't get the password for Wi-Fi.

I'm being 100% serious with these suggestions. I lived with my parents as an adult after I got divorced, and feeling like a kid again made me get my life together fast. If she isn't paying her portion of rent and utilities, then she's a child. If she's paying, then she's a roommate who gets whatever she pays for. I was "roommate" status with my parents because I paid rent, but it was steeply discounted so I got the bad parking spot, only my room and bathroom, access to common foods like milk for my coffee, etc.

If you can't do these things because your DH will divorce you, then realize that your SD isn't going to move out. Your DH has to be on board with this and you can't be more afraid to lose him than you are adament about having peace in your home.

Hadenough34's picture

I agree & I like your suggestions!  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Well, it'll be the last I provide since you don't appreciate my feedback, so good luck to you.

StepUltimate's picture

Be sure to keep posting the same questions over & over then call one of the most respected members of this StepTalk community "Rude" and be sure to double-post the flippant "Goodbye!"

Mosking

 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would seriously consider getting a small place for yourself. If after tax returns and stiimulus xhecks she hasn't found a way to move out. She isn't going to. No as long as DH doesn't push the issue. 

It's time to make yourself happy.

Hadenough34's picture

Thanks, I have further pushed the issue with him & yes, it’s time for me to Happy! 

Hadenough34's picture

I told him yesterday that she will be out!

Findthemiddle's picture

it’s weird how the sd’s age changes every time you post.

Hadenough34's picture

No, on the one post that I put 31, in error, as it mentions just below that post.  Go back & read it!  Once you post your question, you can’t go back & change anything, so I mentioned that below it. She was 32 & is now 33.  

Jojo4124's picture

She will never be gone. And she could trump up a crisis n move back in...and your enmeshed spouse will let her.

How do you think things will change once she moves out? If dh is enmeshed and emotionally incestuous with her, that will continue and you will be treated worse because you are the reason their love affair will become inconvenient for them. 

My ex 23 yo sd moved out...no thanks dad for letting me suck off of you for free. She was angry and angry kidaults who are enmeshed with daddy will still make your life hell because DADDY isn't changing his relationship with her. Your life n marriage may be worse after she moves out if your dh is in love with her (meaning if you feel like the ow in your marriage now, that won't change)

7 months of hell (I think sd will make it worse for YOU) with daddy's full support.

I could be wrong, I don't live in your house. But if your dh defends sd over you...that never changes. And she'll be back...to visit, etc. Daddy will be at her place helping her fix things etc to the neglect of your marriage.  If your dh treats you second now, that won't change unless HE changes.

I don't mean to sound like Debbie downer...it happened in my case. I am now divorced and live in peace.

Maybe the question is how will YOU take care of YOU while she still lives there? The stress meter might go way up. 7 months is a looong time for sd to think of ways to smear n hurt you n try to sabotage your marriage.  She will fight...she's losing her free ride n she knows Daddy will back up her abuses of you as he does now.

I could be off here cuz I don't know how your dh treats you on the daily. But if you are not no. 1 now, you won't be even with sd gone.

Maybe start saving money and plan your own exit. Not divorce necessarily but away from the pain triggers so you can destress and see how YOU really feel about your marriage.  If sd didn't exist and she was another woman, how would you feel? I say that because I felt like the other woman in my own house n my sd ran around almost naked etc in front of us to show me her claim on her dad. She was 23, a stranger to me, and they were soo close (I won't get into that)...to me, she WAS an ow living in my house. Literally.

If your dh respects you as no. 1, I think he'd do anything to get you back and then the choice will be all his...no blame on you for her moving out...and you will see if he chooses you over her. 

Just my 2 cents. I hope you find peace!

 

Hadenough34's picture

Thank you!  I told him she will be moving out by then & I basically told him all that bothers me about her & that I’m taking no more of her BS.  If he helps her get settled in her new place, that’s good.  He doesn’t spend a lot of time with her now.  

BPDHell's picture

So, just out of curiosity, what is your plan if she doesn't move out in 7 months? I'm assuming the date is the new year?

Hadenough34's picture

She can move into the mom’s house, since a while ago she was supposed to help her daughter budget & apparently she hasn’t checked up on how she was doing.  

Hadenough34's picture

I agree!  It it was only up to me, she’d be moving out today.  

BPDHell's picture

She has a place to go now and isn't leaving?

But that didn't answer my question. What are YOU going to do if she doesn't move out in 7 months? Your husband won't back you up, your SD treats you like crap, and apparently SD has a place to go and isn't leaving. So what is your plan if she doesn't leave at the end of the year? You need a plan.

shamds's picture

Prior to marrying.

about 2+ yrs in i told hubby i would not remain in marital home any longer wIth his useless adult son making me and our 2 little kids made to feel unwelcome in a home i care for that hubby moved into barely a week before we married.

i am finishing my university studies in my birth country o/seas and have my 4 & 5 yr old with me since almost 2 yrs ago. 
 

my husband bought a home for us to live in thats in my name and that is where me and our kids live in. Never will i spend another day with skidults in any home i live in. This is a toxic free household, I don't need to deal with or tolerate shitty behaviour/attitude and intentional shunning, i do not need to be subjected to sd's cheap ass digs at me or my 2 kids, they have been out of my life since end 2018

hubby caved into them always until he realized it was worser to disrespect me and piss me off and was forced to call them out on their crap behaviour 

Hadenough34's picture

Great job!  That’s terrific! Congratulations! 

DPW's picture

Not sure the intent of your question - do you want to play games or do you want to put boundaries in place?

I wouldn't play games. Take the high road.

If you are attempting to put boundaries in place, set rules for the house as you would with a roommate (pay towards expenses, cleaning schedule, etc.). Of course, your DH needs to take the lead on this............. will he?