This Week's Counseling Session Was REAL Interesting and Stressing
Seems that after the session where H had to face the facts, which he agreed with, about T, this week it is all different.
At least he is keeping it within the sessions and not bringing it up at me other times. The few times he started to talk about T and me I shut him down.
This week H went after me because he says I am jealous of his daughter, that my attitude was part of the problem especially the fact that I want nothing to do with her. Wowzer!
Okay, I listened, and when it was my turn to respond I asked him just what T had that I would be jealous of? She has no friends, can't hold a regular job more than 6 months (which is why she sells pots and pans), you can believe anything she says, can't be trusted, etc.
I went on to say that I thought that the fact that she hasn't contacted him with her new phone number is what has him and his undies in a bundle. And, he wants to blame me for her actions. Just like before.
Boy, you could see the steam coming out of his ears ... he was angry. Fortunately, the counselor got between us and got the situation under control.
Guess, according to H, he is worried. Says he really doesn't want to talk to her, but just the fact that if something happens he doesn't have her number bothers him greatly. I responded that we both know where T's husband works and could get ahold of her through him if there was an emergency. He had to agree that we did.
I also told the conselor, not H, that was the problem. We do quite well and then T shows up with some nonsense and it is off to the races with the BS and drama. Having been the butt of so much of her nastiness, lies, etc. I just can't deal with it any more.
Counselor did an interesting thing. She knows what I have been through, I have read her parts from my journals about strange things that T does, how she acts towards me, how she made up and spread lies about my DD. She said that she wanted to talk to H alone about his situation and feelings about what was going oin with T, would I mind.
Nope, I said, if it helps I'm all for it.
Later H calls about going out for dinner and he is very calm, not all the upset man at that session. I told him right off that if he ws going to start with me I didn't want to go. In fact, I told him that we could do brunch Sunday after Church as I was stressed out by what had occurred.
This is how T works him. I
This is how T works him. I can, in some ways, understand that he is concerned especially since the Drunkie got caught. But there is nothing he can do for Drunkie....it is too late. T and her husband ruined him by not getting him the real help he needed and by enabling him. Same goes with Fatso. All that weight is slowly killing him too, yet even when he started gaining BIG time back in high school, she just let it ride.
One thing I have never said is that Fatso is T's husband's stepson (T was married before) and he adopted him. He, too, when he was younger (b4 high school) was always trying to run away from home.
Your DH needs help.
His whole family including him are sick. He needs help
Your H has really backslid. I
Your H has really backslid. I think I'd step back from socializing with him until he gets his delusions under control.
I agree - and I have told him
I agree - and I have told him that in the past. that he is her enabler.
I had told our counselor that several times before we started joint sessions so she knows.
This kind of stuff is why we are living apart right now. H doesn't like it, but too darn bad. My big thing is that I feel safe and secure in my home without all the drama, possible drama, T problems, Drunkie problems, etc.
In many ways H is a great person. He is dependable, doesn't lie except when he iuse to try to snowjob me about Twit. Doesn't drink, do drugs etc. T is his only flaw abiet a BIG one.
What??!
After all of this, and DH still goes back to accusing you for T's mess, and then says you that you are jealous of his piece of sh!t daughter? That would push me over the edge. Ya, let him think on his own for a while. He needs to make his mind up - does he want to be married to you or not? If he makes the choice to be married to you then it must be with the understanding that T must never be brought up in any conversation - ever.
I really feel for you SDM. At this point, what are your feelings on all of this?
Sandye -= My thought ans
Sandye -= My thought ans feelings are both shock and anger. That threw me for a loop. This is not an ex use for his behavior, but I had been pretty darn hard on the things I said about T, which were true and he agreed on that.
I did, however, cancen brunch with him yesterday and did't agree to any further meetings. Told him that I was both hurt and shocked about how he went off on me.
Got the ole he didn't mean it, he is so sorry carp from him but I told him I am not buying that carp.
H is getting old, and the rationale part of me, which sees how he has deteriorated can see that he, at times, has problems with his thinking, memory, etc. That is no excuse for going off on me.
Months back I told him he needed to see a doc about dementia and I would go with him, but being typically male, he wouldn't do it.
I had even brought this up with my counselor earlier in our work. It IS not making an excuse for him, just knowing that things are not quite right with him. I don't know if this makes sense, but as my husband I do owe him support, but I will not take any abuse.
I found with my DH it is a 2
I found with my DH it is a 2 steps foward 1 step back progression. I believe you had mentioned your DH is on the elderly side. Old habits are going to die hard. My DH has a ton of evidence for his eldest not being a sweet girl. He has slid back into the passive guy that doesn't want to deal with it. At this point, that is fine with me - just leave me out of it. The good thing is he doesn't flip it over and make it my fault.
I don't believe you will ever get to a situation where your DH will validate daily that Twit is a cretin and has hurt you. He just has to learn to shut up and stop taking his disappointment with his daughter on you. I'd also question if it's best to cut your losses now. Since old habits die hard; I dont' know if he can ever get to a place you want him to be.
This was a 2 steps forward 5
This was a 2 steps forward 5 steps back session. I have been pretty direct and hard on him about his T the last few sessions. And although he agrees, it has had to be terribly hard on him to hear that openly and in front of another person.
What ever you hope counseling would do it’s not
It only does it got two days. What means, he know it’s wrong but does not care, There is no hope you your SO. He will go back to his old ways all the time. Either live with it and stop venting. Or divorce
Fear
This is just a thought ---- Just wonder what the counselor would say if the subject of fear rather than guilt was brought into the conversation. If T causes fear for others it stands to reason she is causing fear for DH. As crazy as she is, he might be frightened what she may do to him. She has been given a lot of power. He may be feeling guilt because he does not have the courage to confront T.
I bring this up because this reminds me of my adopted daughters. They held me hostage for years with the threat of false accusations, stealing, lying, etc. Like the bad seed. Luckily, I managed to prove I hadn't done what I was accused of but still I was scared for years.
Sandye, You have a good point
Sandye, You have a good point about fear. I think we all fear T because one never knows how she will react over anything.
Ihave witness her explode over basically nothing. All that is needed is that she isn't getting her way, isn't being numero uno in attention etc. and there she goes.
Good thoughts all. I was
Good thoughts all. I was wondering about his outburst. Remember, I have been pretty darn hard on him about T the last few sessions and he did agree.
If it wre me with the shoe on the other foot, how long would I take it before doing the same thing? Don't know.
Perhaps, and just has crossed my mind but I don't know, will have to talk it out with counselor. We (she and I) are hitting the root of the problem and it is all hee for him to face?
don't know.
What I do know is it is step back time.
Maybe this is similar to the
Maybe this is similar to the stages of grief and he’s in the anger phase. He’s blaming you for forcing him to see reality, and that’s hard and he doesn’t like it. So he’s angry.
Hoping he’ll get through it and not revisit it again. Let’s hope for progress.
You know Merry, THAT is a
You know Merry, THAT is a good point. Will talk about it with counselor. Thanks.
Dear SDM
Dear SDM, I have been following your story for what seems years.
You have persevered and struggled endlessly to get your DH to see the truth of things.
Nothing has changed. Yes, there have been minor breakthroughs and the carrot of hope here and there, but basically nothing has changed. For him to accuse you of jealousy shows complete and utter lack of understanding and realistically takes you back to square one. Are you prepared to play this game until one of you dies?
My own DH died seven years ago. I’ve never been so content with life.
You are hoping the counselling sessions will eventually give him enough clarity to see see TWIT for what she is, cut her off and devote the rest of his life to his marriage.
Sorry, but he is too weak for that. Not saying he’s a bad person, just weak.
She is his daughter and no matter what, he will hang onto those birth bonds whether it’s good for him or not. He’s proved that enough times. Yes, he’s made token efforts such as moving far away, and agreeing with many statements and issues raised in counselling. Yet his loyalty to TWIT remains.
What of you? Are you going to continue in the unending drama, or can you forge a new and exciting future alone? Do you you need to cling to a man/marriage with someone you know from (recent) history is not entirely on your side? He is looking for the best of both worlds. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, it just means it’s you that will take the never ending flack. Do you really want that in your twilight years?
Hello Dunwiththem. How are
Hello Dunwiththem. How are you doing? Yes, I remember "Daisy" and her antics.
I have talked, a few months ago, with my counselor about throwing in the towel with H. the last time I brought it up she felt he was making progress but who knows now.
I can tell you that right now H is scared of me, what I will do.
One thing I do know is that T hasn't contacted him at all. That is good.
This mess has to come to a resolution one way or the other. Divorce is a BIG STEP and if it is to be I also need to prepare myself for that.
The counselor we have is pretty good. She just doesn't ask things like the bland "how do you feel about that" questions, she goes deeper and has even asked me at times why I did something r ask him the same question.
Fortunately I see her, alone, tomorrow so I can get my feelings, thoughts, etc. back in perspecctive.
DD and family are going to be here next week - why someone wants to come down here with the heat at this time of year is beyond me. So I have time to kick back and leave H alone and let him stew in his own mess.
I DO appreciate your shoulder, your insight etc. into all this mess. I remember when I came here 6 years ago being totally cnfused as to what was going on with T and H telling me to suck it up, she didn't mean it etc. Or when T lied about me to him, his getting angry at me not even knowing the story of what happened.
Damn it DH! Just when you
Damn it DH! Just when you think he is finally out, the toxic gravitational pull of the black hole that is TWIT keeps sucking him back in.
I am sorry that, once again, you have been hurt by DH's lack of testicular fortitude when it comes to his toxic spawn.
Take care of you SDM. Never lose touch with that unequivocal and superordinate position.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words Rags. It is so frustrating in dealing with my doofus H. Seems every one else sees and knows what T does but he is the only one that keeps hoping that she will change.