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Weddings of SKids

One mistake after another's picture

Hi. I am new here but really in need of advice concerning SD weddings...

Some back ground info for you all. My husbands 1st marriage ended years before we met, he had also been engaged after that and before me.  I have 2 adult SD’s. This is my first marriage and I don’t have any other children. We have been married 9years.

 Things have always been difficult and we have gone through so much ‘stuff’ including almost being bankrupt. I have always tried to support SD’s emotionally and make SD’s welcome in our home.

The youngest SD that I thought I got on really well with, got married this year.

There were issues between hubby and I regarding the plans for the day, but I did not convey these to the SD(S).The day itself went ok with me biting my tongue about ‘issues’ putting on smiles, etc... 

since the day things have been very strained. With neither step-daughter wanting anything to do with me..

I am now ‘not invited’ to my other SD’s wedding next year which is taking place abroad....

Di I go with hubby as if on holiday but stay away from ceremony or keep out of the way and bite my tongue??

Thanks

BethAnne's picture

Let him go and do the wedding/vacation on his own. You are not invited to the ceremony/reception but weddings (particularly destination weddings) are rarely just the ceremony and reception. There will be other informal things going on and you will probably all be staying in the same resort, and it would just be awkward to be around all of that but not welcome as an official guest.

You have done your part, helping with these girls and trying to build a relationship. If it is not there now there is no point in pushing yourself into the space they are making for themselves. Focus on your marriage and do not worry about theirs. If when they are older they want to rekindle their relationship with you then they can try that then. 

Find yourself something else to look forwards to, maybe book your own holiday at the same time or a different trip with your husband for next year. 

One mistake after another's picture

Thank you for your advice. 

I take on board that there may be more events pre and post wedding that to be honest ..I would not be welcome at.

bedazzled's picture

One question. Has any one else who is married received a invitation to the wedding and told their spouse is not welcome?

Would that be OK?  I should not be OK just because it is the SK's father. No one should have the right to tell someone their spouse is not welcome. If you don't want the spouse there don't invite the couple. They are a couple and have the right to be a couple. 

So down the road will it be OK to tell SD that her husband is not welcome If DH or SM does not want him included?

 

bedazzled's picture

One question. Has any one else who is married received a invitation to the wedding and told their spouse is not welcome?

Would that be OK?  I should not be OK just because it is the SK's father. No one should have the right to tell someone their spouse is not welcome. If you don't want the spouse there don't invite the couple. They are a couple and have the right to be a couple. 

So down the road will it be OK to tell SD that her husband is not welcome If DH or SM does not want him included?

 

Thumper's picture

Yes of course you go on the trip IF it is a destination you want to travel to.

 Make plans for yourself when they have wedding activities going on.

Curious, did step child tell dh your not invited to the 'wedding"...if so, they cant stop you from traveling with husband. I would not show UP for the cermony if not invited.

PS. Dont forget to Send a toaster or a blender as a wedding gift from you.

 

Harry's picture

Is it money ?  Or BM ?  

I would go with DH since it to another country.  Make it a vacation.  Find something to do the day of the wedding by yourself, or part of a group.  And enjoy the time you have after the wedding day.  Just make sure SD does not make it a wedding week. 

STaround's picture

He can tell her he is only attending the ceremony and reception.  

I agree, with other PPs, would like to know the history, but it does sound like the SDs were adults by the time OP move in.   Not certain what everyone's expectations were.

Also agree, rude to invite one spouse and not the other.  OP has to decide how she will handle.  She can tell her DH she is offended if he goes, or not.

Some people  have destination weddings to discourage people from coming

One mistake after another's picture

Hi. Firstly, thank you to all for comments. 

1st wedding: SD did not tell me directly but through my husband that at the wedding I would not be sitting at main table with husband, but on a table with my parents and some ‘other people’ not even family. I would not be allowed to sit in the first three rows at the ceremony.  I support that bride and groom have the right to have the wedding they want, but you can imagine how hurt I was. I said nothing to SD/groom about being upset. Only spoke to hubby. His was of dealing was to send me (and his daughter) link to ‘wedding etiquette for step-parents’ . Originally other SD, her partner, and my parents were going to all stay in same hotel/accommodation near venue. SD cancelled her room a couple of days before.  Saying partner was allergic to dogs ( we were taking our dog but would not have been sharing car or room).

Having dog in car on car park at venue then became an issue - the plan was always to be away from guests and not going into buildings. Again 3rd hand I was told venue had an issue. I had already spoken to venue and arranged where could/couldn’t take dog. Spoke to groom who said he didn’t and as far as he knew SD didn’t have any problems with dog. So  I made the mistake of double checking with venue in case mid-communication. Only to be told venue were more than happy for dog to be there.  Then found out via hubby that it was bridge who didn’t want dog there... again respected wishes and booked dog into doggy daycare near venue as to not disrupt anyone or any plans. So as far as I know all was okay....

I attended ceremony, stayed for wedding breakfast, then quietly left to pick up dog and go back to accommodation. Leaving hubby to enjoy the rest of wedding, and ensuring he had lift back to accommodation later.  

However, I have since been told that I ruined the wedding and caused lots of unnecessary stress... to this day I am still not certain how.  Message from hubby was that I had caused relationship with both SD’s to go back 9yrs ... ?! 

Both now don’t want anything to do with me!

This is all very confusing and is hurting a great deal as Christmas 2018 (1st Christmas in our new home, we had both SD’s, their partners, grand-daughter, and partners mother all staying with us...

As for 2nd wedding I was on the save the date, but since Feb, phone call from Bride to her father was to make sure that I was NOT invited to her wedding.

To go from that to this is too hard !!

i don’t feel that hubby has stood up for me or considered my feelings in any of this. I feel that I have lost half of my family and can’t find out why. 

I care deeply for my SD’s, partners and my grand-daughter but am now not I  communication with them.. their choice not mine. I am devastated.

hopefully this explains my issues ...

 

BethAnne's picture

Noone wants dog hair on their wedding dress. Why did you want to bring a dog anyway? I am not sure why you did not just take the hint and felt that you needed to go around everyones back to make your own arrangments. They tried to be polite and not tell you their real reasoning but your interference laid the animosity bare and made the already taxing task of organising a wedding more difficult.

As for the seating arrangements, it gets complicated with step parents. At my own wedding I split up my parents (married for 40+ years) so that I had one of them on the table with my father in law and one on a table with my mother in law. That way my divorced in laws did not have to sit with each other and my father in law's wife could sit with her husband. It was an imperfect soultion to a difficult problem. SD sat you with your parents, so at lesat you knew some people you were with. Where was she supposed to seat your parents? With people they did not know? It seems very generous of her to even invite your parents to her wedding.

Seems like SD number 2 is trying to limit interference from guests by having the wedding abroad and not inviting you. This SD is not hinting but telling you what she wants for her wedding. Listen to what she says and respect her wishes. Going on "holiday" with your husband but just missing out on the ceremonoy/reception is not really listening to what you are being told but trying to find a loop hole like you did with the other SD. 

At some point all step parents are hit in the face with the reality that we are lessor in the eyes of our step kids than we feel we should be, that our sacrifices and efforts at trying to help them are thankless and forgotten. It hurts but it is reality. Finding a way to live with that knowledge and move on and accept that reality can be difficult.

One mistake after another's picture

Thanks for the other perspective.

Dog was a recently acquired rescue that we had hoped to find sitter for (but this didn’t work out).  

Wedding was out of area so could not leave at home. Wedding venue was on private land with lots of space. Dog would never have been near bride etc... was actually going to be in crate far enough away from everyone and buildings as to not be noticed.... but you may be right and this may not have been understood by them.

 I guess I am in deeper than I thought. Never having my own kids, or been in a relationship with someone with kids previously, or even being a child of divorced parents .. I don’t understand any of the mess.  Hence seem to make one mistake after another.

i have tried apologising, explaining, open communication but all is shot down 

 

Your 

ESMOD's picture

Clearly the SD's took your husband's passive aggressive "schooling on SP at weddings ettiq. message" as being brought up by you.  Then they also most likely feel like you overstepped by trying to bring a dog to this event.. and finally.. you went around "greeting everyone with smiles".. they probably viewed it as you trying to play "host" at their event.

I am not saying that you meant for any of that to bother them.. but clearly, they view the history at the first wedding as indication that you shouldn't be at the 2nd.  I don't know how to approach this.  I don't know if they are otherwise nice enough people.. but you rubbed them the wrong way.. or whether they are basement bargain Biatches.. that you should be happy to not have to see.

Perhaps you directly trying to clear the air with the first sister might help?  It may be that there has been a death of a thousand cuts between you and it may not be possible to mend.. but I guess you won't know unless you try to approach it with an open and not "defensive' stance.

ESMOD's picture

I also have a feeling that your husband somewhat threw you under the bus and probably shared a lot more of your thoughts with the girls than you are aware of.

One mistake after another's picture

You may have hit the nail on the head 

One mistake after another's picture

mmmm...

 I definitely didn’t  play the host, but also didn’t ignore anyone or look miserable, I was just trying to act as though nothing was wrong. I blending into background as much as I could. Hubby didn’t spend any time with me at wedding.

I thought I had a reasonably good relationship with both SD’s prior to this

Had SD stated that dog not welcome as soon as rescue dog was taken on, we may have had time to arrange better options or even had they been honest with wishes it would not have been an issue... sorry if sounds defensive but I am open and honest and would not intentionally have caused hurt or upset

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry.. I have never heard of someone trying to take a dog to a wedding.. really.  You guys really should have boarded the dog and not made it one more special request for the bride to deal with.

But, on the other hand... I don't see entire relationships torpedoed for just one thing like you trying to bring the dog.  Your DH's manners message probably revealed to them a lot.

STaround's picture

Your plan was to leave doggie in car park during the wedding?  OK.

Seating is frequenlty an issue at step weddings.  At first you said, you did not complain at the wedding, now you say you did.   Obviously other SD does not want hassle.

One mistake after another's picture

Sorry... no complaining at wedding. 

I only mentioned hurt to hubby when seating was mentioned month before. I made no issue on the day, and never spoke to either SD about any negative feelings I may or may not have had

One mistake after another's picture

As you can imagine all of this is causing great strain on our marriage too

Hubby is fully supportive of both daughters whatever their behaviour towards me.. he is worried he will ruin the relationship he now has with them (which I have actual helped him build!.. reminding him to ring/get in touch, buying birthday/Christmas cards/gifts, remembering important events- exams etc..)

i even took time off to be with one SD when she tried to commit auicide and her parents couldn’t take time off from work!

i am worried this is the beginning of the end for my marriage as I don’t want to be excluded from his life/time that includes his daughters etc..

ESMOD's picture

It's frustrating when people are miffed at us when we have no idea why... But.. you do kind of have some idea why they might be a bit frustrated with you.. From your description of events.. I can see how your SD could have viewed your inclusion as causing her extra headaches.  I'm not 100% sure of their ages.. but if they are getting married.. and you have been together for 9 years.. then I imagine they were teens..or maybe older when you married their father.  As such, there really is less expectation for them to see you as their family.. and more the role of "dad's wife". 

It's also possible your DH has shared things about you with them that might have fed fuel to the fire.  It also seems that you did have a few things related to the wedding that could have been handled differently.

You can try to mend the fence with the younger daughter.  You can try to apologize for any disruption she had with her wedding and that you want to have a good relationship with each other.. and is that possible? There may be other grievances though.. how have things gone around holidays?  Has daddy cut off the money flow to his girls.. not saying that he should continue.. but changes they view coming from you .. can flavor their feelings for you.

MissTexas's picture

exclusionary attitudes and behaviors.

I tried to pinpoint when things went south w SD, and couldn't quite do so. However, when she unleashed her fury on both of us, it became crystal clear by her words that HE HAD CLEARLY SHARED THINGS WITH HER THAT WERE NONE OF HER BUSINESS.  DH will deny it to his death, but there's no mistaking these were conversations only between he and I. He made this mess and then wonders why things turned out like they did. I still remember telling this to our counselor and the first thing she said, was, "OH! DH! YOU CANNOT DO THAT AND EXPECT TO STAY HAPPILY MARRIED." His response was, "Oh, I  know. Believe me I know!"

ldvilen's picture

Nope.  You've done nothing wrong here, OP.  There is too much "advice" above that picks at this and picks at that.  MARRIED PEOPLE BELONG TOGETHER AT ANY EVENT.  That is it.  Whether or not it is "convenient" for anyone doesn't matter.  

If you are that stupid to be marrying someone, supposedly the love your life, and you can't get it into your head that husbands and wives should be next to each other, seated together, then I would say the bride and groom's marriage is pretty much doomed anyway.  That is pretty danged shallow to think that you can seperate any married couple just because you want it so or because it is more "convenient" to do so.  Shallowness usually equals divorce down the road.

You've done a lot for your stepkids and deserve better.

tog redux's picture

Sounds like DH sending her the "wedding etiquette for stepparents" is what caused this. They assumed it was your doing and now you are the evil stepmother.

Too bad your DH is such a pansy that he can't even say anything about it to his own kids, or even own that it was his idea to send that.

hereiam's picture

So as is generally the case, you have a husband problem not a SD problem. He needs to be supportive of YOU. He needs to stop tolerating rudeness from his kids. 

Yes, I just don't get this "SM is not invited to the wedding" bull and the men who put up with it. My SD knows better than to pull crap like this, my husband would put her in her place in 2 seconds, flat.

And, I can just imagine the lecture my own dad would give me if I dared to not invite his wife to my wedding. Jesus, talk about a blow out.

Unless you were drunk and dancing naked on the tables, WTF?

CLove's picture

I know its not equivalent, but back when Eldest SD, Feral Forger, was 17 she tried to cut me out of graduation from high school. DH then SO declined to go until she produced a ticket. She produced a ticket.

Your HUSBAND needs to get in there and back you up! Your SD's sound a bit spoiled and bratty. I mean, why are they suddenly cutting you out with zero communication? You sound like you have rally tried, and they are somehow ganging up against you.

Perhaps ask our husband what their problem with you is, he seems to like meddling. jk. Sorry you are hurting so badly.

I mean, when SD told her father to disinvite you what REASON did she give?

One mistake after another's picture

Apparently I am dis-invited because I ruined the first SD wedding.  There were no disagreements, crosswords, negative scenes 

I sat 4 rows back as instructed despite most of a row in front being empty.  My allocated seat at the meal had my back to the main table so had to turn if wanted to see speeches etc... I cannot truly see what I did to ruin the day.

DH won’t say anything to SD’s that may put him in a negative light, or cause upset with the relationship that he has with them.

Dh always says he doesn’t like conflict .. who does? Problem is he says what a person wants to hear even if tells the opposite to another, in essence causing conflicts.

for those who have experienced similar... does it ever get easier? I am currently feeling that I have wasted over a decade of my life on a hubby that doesn’t care enough to stand by me 

twoviewpoints's picture

Where did your DH set during the ceremony? During the reception? Did he really make you sit back in 4th row by yourself and then plop his *ss down at wedding party table instead of both times seating with you? 

ldvilen's picture

I've had that same feeling--"Wasted over a decade of my life on a husband that doesn't care enough to stand by me."  Five years down the road now, I've come to accept that he is just a coward, not only in reference to his children, but other things as well.  Given that, I decide for myself now what kind of relationship I want with his kids.  I have no problem saying, "No" and meaning "No."  I also have no guilt about doing so.  

Reserach DISENGAGEMENT.  You'll have to decide for yourself, and it may take a while, if it is still worth having a man missing at least one ball for a husband.  It may be.

Missingme's picture

Because your husband is phussy whipped/manipulataed by his SDs and their BM ,and it will always be that way.  I don't agree that you've wasted over a decade of your life with the man and his spawn because you've grown to be a stronger woman.  I hope you get the strength to walk away before another decade rolls by.  Hugs.

Missingme's picture

The reason why 'most' marriages fail is because DH's lack balls.  Emotionally incompetent.  

One mistake after another's picture

you are all being great with commenting and talking this through.. are you all step-parents with or without other children? Have you had SD weddings to attend?

I had been so proud and excited to be invited to my SD’s wedding (she is almost 30), and thought really kind to invite my parents.  However I am not new to this relationship, I have been married now for 9yrs. My parents have always treated my SD’s as grand-children with all the cards, pressies and best wishes that brings.

The etiquette link was to berate me not his daughter....but I still can’t understand why he would send it to her.

The decision to take on a rescue dog was joint between hubby and myself. Decision for dog to go with us to wedding weekend was also joint. Having been in rehome kennelling for 3mths prior to us taking her on  we both decided overnight in kennel was not option. Doggy day are was arranged by me as soon as I realised that the dog was a concern/issue to the bride. Again I did not voice any concerns to the bride or groom, and dealt with it as quietly as possible.

our own wedding was very dog friendly, and included dog walks, picnic, dog friendly hotel for our guests etc... not everyone’s cup of tea.. obviously 

 

sandye21's picture

Looks like you were placed between a rock and a hard place.  You simply could NOT win whatever you did at the wedding.  The dog thing was blown way out of proportion.  It wasn't attending the wedding, just staying at the hotel.  How many other guests at the wedding have pets at home?  If you were cordial to the guests you were overstepping.  If you kept more to yourself you would be 'offish' and unapproachable.  If you insisted on sitting with your DH at the wedding you were pushy.  If you sat at your designated location in the back with the gardeners you were being distant.  It's an old term but 'Catch-22' comes to mind.  And on top of all of this was a man who could not find the balls to support and cherish his wife as he had promised when they got married.

I agree with some of the other posters who say your DH is a jerk.  As Petronella suggested you might ask DH to go to marriage counseling - and you choose the counselor.  He may not want to go because he will be exposed for the a$$ he is.  He SHOULD have sat with you at the wedding.  He SHOULD have sat with you at the reception dinner.  He SHOULD have found out that 'Stepparent Etiquette' as written, has not been updated in decades and does not apply today.  He SHOULD have supported you emotionally and demonstrated to SDs that you were a unified couple.  He SHOULD have told them the dog was taken care of - there was not need to worry.  He SHOULD inform SD's that you are to be respected as his wife.  He SHOULD have told SD #2 that he will not go anywhere his wife his not invited.

Yes, you DO have a DH problem.  The same one I had for 28 years but my DH is on notice: If he ever wimps out on me again he will be out the door.  Stop this B.S. now.  Inform your DH that respect in marriage goes both ways.  It's just not worth staying with a man who refuses to man up.  Good luck.

One mistake after another's picture

All of your points are ringing too true for comfort...

It is my nature to care and worry.

All of this has caused my depression and  anxiety which has been in check for a long time, to reach the lowest point in my life... 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Even if the dog shouldn't have come, they would have found fault with you over something. When they go this direction, it is downhill all the way for SM. Nothing she can do; and you will do nothing right. So, stop beating yourself up and asking yourself if you want to be around people so critical of you after all these years and all the work you have done most likely?

Hate to tell you, but sure you know by now....you are married to a doormat daddeee like most of us here.....He is not going to step up and be a real father or husband with respect to adult kids.  They do not change most of the time.  We have to figure out a way to protect our own lives and find happiness away from their sickly enmeshment that never goes away.

Rags's picture

Damned straight you go.  And if DH is at the ceremony, you are on his arm.  This is just crap and the only way to deal with the crap that dogs and idiots put in an inappropriate place is to rub their noses in it while you swat them on the rump.

Get to rubbing and swatting... figuratively of course.

Go, make sure you are hitting the gym daily between now and next june, do the full meal deal makeover, regular skin care salon visits and put together a killer wardrobe from your favorite boutique/designers special just for the trip.  Walk in on your DH's arm radiating how happy you are and throughout the whole event lean over and whisper suggestive things in DH's ear and flirt with him like a fiend. His flushed face and grin will be a great testament to the whole happy couple vibe.   Be radiant, be bright, be confident, engage with everyone in a positive and pleasant way.  If the bride and BM get RBF during the event due to your presence..... even better.   They will be the ones who are ruining the event, not you. They will be the ones making a negative impression on all in attendance, not you.

An invitation to a parent includes the parent's spouse. Period. DH needs to have your back and confront any crap from his spawn and X.  You just be you and do it radiantly and full of joy.

Cockroaches rush for the shadowy corner when a bright light is turned on in the roach filled room.  Be the radiant light. The roaches will scurry.

STaround's picture

should generally include the spouse, but it does not include the spouse, unless the spouse is named.  It has been made clear to OP that she is not invited.  OP and her DH's choice is he attends by himself or he stays home.

Quite possibly, the OP's DH sees things differently from OP.  That OP "checking out" other guests (and I accept OPs wording of what she meant), including the kids BM, at the first wedding was overstepping.   And he knows the history here.  The complaining about seating which he thought was wrong.

Rags, you can come up with "solutions" but I doubt her DH regards this as acceptable, and if he sees his wife starting to get dressed for the wedding, it will be a WTF momemnt.  The bride may call security.  In any event, it is hard to see how attending ONE wedding, will make the relatiionship any better.    OP may want to suggest that she and her DH attend counseling

Rags's picture

If the OP's DH was worth a shit he would not be attending a wedding his wife was not invited to on his arm.  Nor would he be helping pay for that wedding.  See how the SD likes having a barn wedding (still full of live stock) in Daisy Dukes instead of a classy event.  Daddy's money probably is critical to her fulfilling her wedding dreams. 

My bride would be on my side and if a kid banned my bride from their wedding my bride and I would be enjoying the money that would have gone to the kid's wedding on an amazing destination vacation with comprehensive photographic documentation which I would invite friends and family over for a slide show party of.  The kid would know that the vacation was payed for by the money they shit on when they excluded my wife from a wedding I was paying for.

Nope, The DH spawn is the problem.  People of character do not play these games with their father's marriage. A husband of character does no leave their wife at home for a family event.

Missingme's picture

Sometimes I wonder if Rags' wife is posting in his stead.  Whomever is posting in this thread rocks!  

Rags's picture

Nope, she leaves this community to me.  I do discuss many of the topics that come up here with her.  She knows that nothing and no one comes before her to me.

She would not exclude me in her life anymore than I would exclude her.

I am a lucky man.

And...she is super model HOT!

 

Lollybobs's picture

Who the hell invites one half of a married couple to their wedding? You invite both halves - or neither. Anything else is just plain rude.

SD is not respecting you, her father  or your relationship by sending this invite. OH should be making it very clear that he will not be going without you by his side. Then again, he should have grown a pair after the first wedding and acknowledged that the presence of the dog had as much to do with him as it did you, instead of allowing all blame to fall on you.

If you accept this treatment now, OH is enabling their behaviour and it will continue to get much worse.

ldvilen's picture

Thank you Lollybobs!  No one does this that I'm aware of: "Who the hell invites one half of a married couple to their wedding? You invite both halves - or neither. Anything else is just plain rude." 

But, I suppose for those who think they can do anything they want at their party (and that is how they would look at it vs. a wedding), then that would include being as rude as you want to be too.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Then begin to understand that the weddings may be the catalysts for deeper issues, which have now come to forefront.

Others have identified multiple problems not only that you may have done but also including things that your DH has done, your SDs have done, and perhaps even BM has done behind the scenes.   Don't make yourself the "problem" here because others are guilty too.   But I agree with others that your DH is the ringleader so he should be trying to coordinate this circus he's created.  Including the snarling SDs.

Thankfully, the wedding is still a long way off.  In the interim, if I were you, I'd stop talking to your DH about the wedding for now.  Disengage from anything related to the SDs, too.  Go to the boards here on STalk about "Disengaging" which you will find helpful.   If you disengage, you will find it may be helpful to your overall perspective and it will give you a chance to catch your emotional breath.  

While you are in disengagement status, it will give you an opportunity to come to grips with the fact that despite your efforts, the SDs see you as disposable.  This is enforced by your DH's inability to step up and speak out for you.  So you are disposable to him in a certain respect, too.  Which is shameful, but it's obvious that's his stance. When it comes to his daughters and you, the daughters will win out every time.   

Do not invest any more of your time or energy into the SDs for the next few months.  That includes communicating with them, visiting them, giving gifts, etc.  If they come to your home, find an excuse to politely leave while they are there.  You can say you must visit a sick friend, then go out and do whatever you want for the day.  

I can understand how hurtful this is for you.  You don't have children of your own and you were hopeful that you had developed a caring relationship with your SDs and gskids where you were viewed as a part of the family.  The truth is you were never part of their family and never will be.  They merely tolerated you.  It hurts, I know.  Plus, your DH has been absolutely impotent in any effort to broker an improvement.  This is hurtful and it probably won't change (much) either. 

It is better to face this reality now.  If I were you, I'd see if I could find a family counselor with experience in stepfamily dynamics.  Go to at least one session and see if they understand the position you are in, and if it seems they can give you any tools to navigate this morass.  Then, give it a try for awhile.  

Be aware that many of us get to the point, like you, where we wonder if we can go on in our situations.  Some are able to work towards a better environment, some decide to remain silent/disengaged and hope for the best, some decide to leave.  Whatever the decision, just make sure it is right for you.  Do not live a life with people who don't care about you, where you are treated as a second-class citizen and are constantly being disillusioned or hurt. 

As a famous TV host says, "It's better to be healthy alone than sick with somebody else." 

I truly feel the sadness and desperation you feel.  I also know you should not be living a life where you feel you are nothing more than "One Mistake After Another"

Missingme's picture

2Tired4Drama has hit the nail on the head.  The fact is that you really are disposable to the SDs and to their daddy/your husband.  And because you are childless, you will be very alone one day IF you don't find the strength to leave and start the chance with a man who has less baggage and will put your first, as you should be as the wife.  

shamds's picture

have remarried and we even have stepkids etc. 

Any nephew or niece that marries they confirm the family numbers, and several vip tables are allocated for us... no nephew or niece says their stepaunt sits at normal table. They sit with their spouse at a vip table. Obviously if its a reception for our family’s side, we make sure the inlaws are at vip tables, we all help out greeding guests and giving door gifts etc...

everyone is grateful about others helping out

stepaunts are even in matching family outfits (same colour or print)

ESMOD's picture

The reason given is that your "ruined" the first daughter's wedding.  Have you asked directly "Can you tell me exactly how I did that?  Because I don't recall there being any huge scenes or conflicts.  I can only change my behavior if I know what I did wrong in your eyes"

Now... the answer may be hurtful.. untrue.. or skewed.  You may also find out they had some misconceptions about your feelings etc... You also may have some food for thought and reflection as to how your actions may have in fact caused the bride stress.

I can't believe that you are banned "just" because you tried to bring a dog to the general vicinity of the wedding.  That was not a reasonable request... and going "behind their back/over their head" to ask the venue probably was pushy considering they had given you an answer... but it wasn't cut all family ties level action.

It's more likely that part of it was your DH sending them ettiquette... in a sense scolding her.  That was probably seen as coming from you.  But, again... in itself, I wouldn't have thought that just wanting to be seated with a spouse would be grounds for ostracising you.

But..... there is more.  You may or may not know what that is... unless the relationship was extremely frosty before that.. there is more to the story than you are either able to lay out for us.. or even know.

If the SD won't speak with you.. (I'm talking the first bride).. then your DH needs to see if he can clear the air.  He needs to take full responsiblity for sending the miss manners note.. and that HE wanted you beside him..etc..  There has to be more to what went on.. there just has to be for people that according to you were not sworn enemies before this.. to turn on you.  It doesn't make sense.

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I have a horrible step daughter and no children.  I dropped the rope, disengaged. If my husband wants to see his evil spawn then he does it without me. I don't offer my time, my money, or my own efforts for anything anymore. 

We've been married 8 years. I used to do things for SD, send her money, clothes and shoes for her kids, birthday & Christmas gifts.  Now I do nothing. That's about what she's worth. 

Sandybeaches's picture

I agree with the posters who say your husband should be with you and sticking up for you!!  He should not let you be treated as he did. 

While I truly believe that bringing a pet or a child to a wedding weekend is a very bad idea, even if there are other arrangements planned, your DH was all in with it until the SD and BM freaked out.  So he threw you under the bus and it was like he was standing next to you and then crossed sides and turned around and blamed you.  This is totally wrong!! 

Now with that said if they didn't want you to bring the dog on the wedding weekend because they were feeling that needing to attend to the dog would get in the way be adults about it and go about it a different way.  They shouldn't have tried to blame the venue they should have asked you point blank to find other arrangements for the dog and don't bring him or her.  Plain and simple.  

Another point to add is that it didn't matter if you brought the dog or not, they already had that seating chart set up in their planning and that was all going down that way whether you brought the dog or not. That is the real issue.  Your husband should never sit away from you.  I agree with all of the others on that.  You would never ask a married couple to be apart especially at a wedding!!  He is dead wrong to allow it and dead wrong to go to a wedding for anyone without you!  If he went for me it would be a deal breaker.  I also would not go anywhere near where the wedding was being held.  You don't need to be a part of any of that.  Even if it is somewhere you would like to go on holiday it will be seen as you trying to get an invite.  I am sorry you are going through this.  

I looked through the posts to see who mentioned the etiquette link? 

MissTexas's picture

much needed "excuse" for balless people who can't stand up and speak their truth about a situation. So the dog was the "fall guy." It's not about the dog! Period. If the poor dog hadn't been involved, then there would be another, and another bone of contention pop up. It's literally like trying to bail water in a boat with a gaping hole. Their supply of endless "reasons" which have no substance at all will keep coming. 

It's the same o'l song and dance. "We don't have a real reason to exclude SM, but we will have to come up with one that will resonate with DH." 

As another poster wrote, couples are COUPLES. Not part-time, or selectively, but ALL THE TIME. Even if his procreation decides to marry. Honestly, I wouldn't want to attend her wedding. In that vein, couples lookout for the benefit of each OTHER , NOT THEIR GROWN ADULT OFFSPRING. Destination weddings can also be a way of eliminating certain couples who they really don't want to attend. Many can't afford this. The bottom line is, you are his wife. You have created a life together. He has raised his daughter and her life is hers.

I commend you for thinking of your pet and making accommodations, as you said, the dog wasn't expected to be part of the wedding party. In all honesty, I'd prefer to be with dogs than many people! At least their intentions are genuine and without motive. Cant' say that about many people.

Lollybobs's picture

I googled wedding etiquette for step parents out of curiosity.  Quite a few articles came up and they were all saying not to exclude step parents and make sure they're treated as a couple.

STaround's picture

and things are different there.  Parents typically sit at a head table.   Local customs matter.  In the US, at Jewish weddings, the parents of the bride and groom walk the bride or groom up the aisle, and then stand up their with them.  Stepparents sit with other guests.

sandye21's picture

You wrote, "I think OP is in the UK and things are different there."  I have family in both USA and UK..   Wedding etiquette is pretty much the same.  Check it out:  https://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/organising-and-planning/divor...  'With divorced, separated or remarried parents, working out who makes the cut for the top table and where they will sit can be a huge headache, especially if there’s any bitterness or accusations of special preference.

William recommends abandoning the top table altogether – venue permitting – and choosing long tables if you have divorced or remarried parents.

He says, “Have one long table so everyone will then feel included. If you have a complex and political family structure then it may be best to consider and find a venue that will allow this.'  NOTICE the words, ' --so everyone will then feel included.'

Lollybobs's picture

Yes Sandye21, this is one of the sites I found.

At the end of the day if you really dislike one half of a couple, you invite neither to your event. To invite one and not the other is just being spiteful; it's always more hurtful if there's just one person excluded because it really highlights that you're not welcome.

Miss T's picture

Give your DH to understand that if he goes anywhere near this event without you, he will come home to find his belongings set out at the curb. Or if your legal arrangements don't permit that, make sure he knows he'll be coming home to an empty house.

Whatever it takes, do not accept this BS. I made a similar mistake (HS and college graduation) and it took years for me to fully accept how badly I had been dissed. Then it took a few more years to straighten out these people who only ramped up their misbehavior, having understandably concluded that I could be trifled with.  

This is a hill to die on.