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Wedding etiquette-what is proper wedding etiquette these days?

Anon2009's picture

Because coming here and reading about the weddings of your sks, it sounds like anything goes.

Prince William asked Kate Middleton's parents for her hand in marriage. Her parents contributed money to the wedding. They'd lived together for quite some time. I had no issues with it. In fact, I liked that. The dress was awesome too!

So what's proper wedding etiquette these days?

arjuna79's picture

Who the hell knows. I think these kids are just making it up as they please. YSD sends out cheap one-page invites THREE MONTHS before the blessed date, requesting you RSVP - ONLINE - no return cards, etc. Includes a google map copy of something - the exact spot in the woods where they're getting married and then the reception in town - neither spot labelled. Never grabbed a group block rate on hotels, never listed nearby hotels, isn't bothering to check said rsvp list online, even tho the "deadline" is in a week... and just last night emails daddy with this "do you and mom want to walk me down the aisle?" What? in the f*ing woods? He replies, why do you want to do that? She is unable to articulate why she thinks that's important to her.

Oh and future MIL arranged the shower - also held a full 3 months in advance - while bm is uncharacteristically laying low because of their own squabbling.

And numbnuts (F-ss-il) has yet to look my dh in the eye, shake his hand, or mutter anything intelligible to his face, which has DH furious. So no "oh I want to marry your daughter" going on there.

The other skids had lovely weddings, one really avant gard, but still played by general etiquette (and handled the stepfamily dynamics very nicely) So, granted this kid is on some other galaxy nowhere near reality, and apparently too dumb to go get any information about what "wedding etiquette" might mean.

Hope there's no bear shitting in the upper peninsula woods on June 22. Would hate for ysd to get her formal white gown shat on. No. Wait. That would be ok. But would hate for the grandkids to get into it.

Bah. Sorry.

bi's picture

my 25 year old cousin was having marital problems last year and sent out a mass msg to all of us (her family) asking for donations to pay for her divorce and she would pay us back "when she got on her feet". she's never held a job. her dh was a mgr at a home improvement store, if they wanted a divorce, he could have paid for it. they never divorced. they worked it out and have just bought a house together. i just cannot imagine asking anyone to pay for my divorce! i was 22 when i got divorced and paid every penny of it myself. i was so shocked and appalled at her request that i couldn't even respond.

herewegoagain's picture

Etiquette has gone out the window. While not all weddings are extravagant anymore, ie. mine we spent about 1200USD or so for 40 people and it was in a very simple restaurant, thus no need for the most expensive invites, etc. We did have invites, we did have simple RSVP cards, etc.

I think that some think that simple weddings are BBQs and really, well, what can you expect? Most kids today aren't even taught how to dress appropriately for a wedding, an Opera, a dinner, etc...they only seem to wear tennis shoes and shorts even to funerals. Can't blame the clueless kids for the crappy parents as role models.

herewegoagain's picture

PS - my wedding and my sister's wedding were very different, but BOTH of us followed proper rules of etiquette, dress, etc...I had an informal wedding and most people dressed very casually, ie. khakis, short or long sleeve shirts, summer dresses, etc. which is exactly what we wanted...the kids none wore shorts nor jeans, etc...the only idiots who looked like freaks were???? WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT...My BROTHER, HIS WIFE and their kid...the little girl had a dress and CROCS! Yes, you heard that right, CROCS.

The difference? My sister and I were always expected to dress nicely to funerals, restaurants, etc. growing youngest brother on the other hand my mother let him do whatever...he dressed however he wanted to because as my mother used to say "times have changed"...Needless to say, when he and his wife got married, they did NOT invite two neighbors of my parents which they had spent many Christmas's, etc. with because they weren't "their friends"...Mind you, they had no problem accepting the gifts of these "non-friends" at their wedding shower...My mother made excuses for them and they still have ZERO manners, much less know a darn thing about proper etiquette...I blame my parents 100%.

oneoffour's picture

If you are living together you don't need a bridal shower or a bachelor party. Those bridges are already burnt.

arjuna79's picture

exactly. and you certainly don't need mommy and/or daddy "giving you away" as you blush your way down the aisle. :?

momof5_1969's picture

My SS22 is getting married June 30th, and while it is supposed to be a joyous occasion, I'm dreading it! I feel awful that I feel this way, but I am. I'm the SM. BM is a piece of work. She abandoned the kids (4 of them) when she left my DH, then has made false allegations against him over the years, been found to be mentally unstable to be around the kids so they ordered a psych evaluation and supervised visitation and a restraining order for LIFE! So etiquette? I have no idea what is going to be etiquette at his wedding. Cops? haha!

I feel like my DH's kids don't like me, appreciate me, respect me or love me -- whenever I do stuff for them it is taken for granted and not appreciated at all.

My SS22 told us that our "responsibility" was to pay for the honeymoon and the rehearsal dinner. I laughed!! I told my DH there was no way I was paying for their honeymoon! Good grief, we went to the beach by where we live for our honeymoon and stayed at my brother-in-law's vacation home for the week -- during the winter in Western Washington! My SS22 and his soon-to-be new bride want to go to Greece for their honeymoon!! Nope! We're not paying for that! Good grief.

So for the rehearsal dinner, my SS was suggesting we have it catered. I again laughed. Seriously, does he think we are Richie Rich's parents or what? NO -- we are not having a CATERED rehearsal dinner for him and his spoiled fiancé!

Every time I ask for information about the wedding his fiancé is vague with me and is not cooperative. This leads me to think that SD23, SS22, SS20 have influenced her with her feelings about me. I have been nothing but nice towards her.

I mean sure, we wouldn't let her and my SS22 spend the night together at our house, but they're not married -- we are old fashioned! If her parents want to allow it -- that's fine -- we don't. My SS is saying he wants to "wait" until they're married, but I'm saying if you're acting like you are (spending the night together, going on trips together alone, and now living together), people will think you are and he can say they are waiting till they are blue in their face, but no one is going to believe them. I don't care either way -- that's between him and the Lord -- but don't sit there and tell me that you're waiting! I don't believe it!

So wedding day -- so not looking forward to it. If his mom shows up -- I do not want to have to sit next to her, but if I get slighted I am going to be expected to just suck it up like I always do. I want to put forth as little effort as possible so that I don't get hurt. It will go unappreciated anyways.

Anon2009's picture

I agree about the cable shows. Most of these "unions" do not last, either. The couples featured on them seem to wind up in divorce court later. Look at Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries :sick: . Kim seems like the epitome of an entitled, classless diva.

But then there are people like the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I read that they'd lived together for some time. He asked her parents for her hand and he, of course, had to get the green light from the Queen. Her parents contributed some money to the wedding. But both the Duke and Duchess seem like very nice people. Maybe that's the key-they treat others respectfully? I don't know.

I just liked the days better where things were more set in stone.

Amber Miller's picture

My SD is so incredibly crazy that I don't think the spoiled brat will ever get married. She met some guy and they were " engaged" after a month. That lasted 3 months. Then she decides she wants to have a baby to get attention. I know this for a fact because she broke up with the fiancé and then slept with 5 different guys over the course of 4 months. This was when she used to talk to me. Shed call every month "scared to tell her parents" that she thought she was pregnant. All the guys said if she was pregnant then they wanted her to have an abortion. After being told that shed break up with them saying that she doesn't believe in abortion. This is coming from a girl that has 3 abortions that we know about. The baby's daddy couldn't stand her craziness and promptly broke ties with her. She told DH that they had a " business relationship" this is very sick! She is one of the most promiscuous people I have ever met. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. I don't think I'll ever have to worry about this psychotic brat ever getting married. If she did, I won't attend. What an embarrassment to the family. Her father would probably have to set up a 5 million dollar dowry for some poor guy to marry this train-wreck. I really hope no poor guy falls for her nonsense and gets trapped by another baby. She says she wants another baby even though she can't take care of the one she already has. She makes me sick!

step2cultkids's picture

Sad Goodness, try a marriage with an adult step-daughter whose divorced parents were raised in a closed religious community!! Imagine 7 generations of intermarriages between cousins and cousins of only 1300 people residing within a 1.9 mile radius and a husband that divorced his cousin and then exited from their culture decades ago. My husband is FIRST family member to divorce in their family and first to "exit" in 7 generations. My skids were raised outside the community but had a bio and 100's of both his former wife and his family relatives secretly brainwashing his kids to believe their father "just could not forgive their mom" for her adultery with other community members so that's why they had to "save them". We had NO idea this was going on as they'd been taught to NEVER tell us or ask for help. The "straw that broke the camels back" was his daughter asking her father to therapy to discuss her wedding plans. My husband had told his kids for YEARS he would do therapy with ANY therapist but NEVER with a therapist in their closed community because they'd probably be related to ALL therapists in the community. Yep, her therapist was her COUSIN...we traced their genealogy back 7 generations and on the other side we traced it back 4 generations. When husband explained he could not attend due to unethical nature of cousins behavior as therapist including our discussions about it with a lawyer, ethics experts, etc., he again offered to go to ANY therapist but outside the community. He then received a disinvite to his daughters wedding. (Therapists wife is husband's sister's best friend of 40 years). Oh, did I mention during that time frame my husband was recuperating from several cancers; one of which is reoccuring? The therapist actually defended his position as ETHICAL!! Both sides of family DEFENDED the therapists position...and believe it or not the bio mom is a licensed clinical social worker...yep that crazy!! All the covert brainwashing came out after the disinvite when one kid out of 4 was WILLING to reveal the "secrets" they'd been brainwashed to NEVER tell their father.

I was relatively lucky in that my husband "sort of got" the step issues early on and was willing to go to counseling and set some healthy boundaries with kids. But now we're beginning to understand why every therapist explained to us the "power of cults" and the likelihood of loosing one or more kid to possible covert brainwashing even if they were not being raised or living in communities...they still had TONS of relatives that were.

I've been dealing with these "dual roles" of being a "step2cultkids" for decades and I can say it is exhausting, painful, confusing, and overwhelming at times. Yet it's also difficult to see the pain it is causing my husband. He has really worked hard to heal the wounds of being raised in a religious sect and certainly is a better man, husband and father for it; yet we are both realizing the "power of cults" and the reality it will take generations more of his courage to exit to affect future generations.

The only relief attached to the disinvite is now that we know what's been done by relatives behind our backs for decades we will not have to be around them at her wedding. Maybe use the "set aside wedding money" to go away...far away during her wedding week.