VENTING!! and I need advice please...
First off, I am BRAND NEW here and I was so fed up I jumped online and this site came up so I decided I would try it :)I'm at my wits end and I need some much needed advice. My situation: I am a 27 year old woman dating a 41 year old man. He was previously married and he has 2 boys from that relationship ages 13 and 18. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we just had a little girl, she is 11 weeks old. My boyfriend is currently in a child custody battle with his ex so the 2 boys are here at our house every other week (twice a month)and they are on my last nerve!!Their life consists of playing video games. They do nothing around the house, no cleaning, no chores..nothing! The 13 yr old is disrespectful to his father, a liar, failing in school, he does not bathe himself smelling so bad it literally stinks the house , wastes food ("typical teenage behaviour" fine I get it). The 18 yr old just recently started going to school 1 day a week, does not work and expects us to drop everything to satisfy his wannabe "social life". They eat us out of house and home and of course the 18yr old does nothing to contribute but is the first one to complain. I know this doesnt sound like a big deal BUT let me tell you where I'm coming from. Since day one Ive lived with my boyfriend and his 2 boys; I contribute to bills and I am the one to buy groceries etc. I stay out of the custody drama, I've made nice with them and now that we have a newborn, that's obviously where my focus is. I went to my boyfriend numerous of times saying "hey can you tell them to clean up, do this, do that etc" stuff they should already be doing; and of course he will tell them to clean up...but my question is WHY do I constantly have to tell my boyfriend to basically teach his kids to be cleanly, responsible, and appreciative??! I'm currently still on maternity leave and I dont have time or the energy to clean up after 3 other people (besides myself and the baby). My boyfriend and I get into fights constantly because I feel like I'm living with annoying, dirty roomates! My boyfriend has told me that I need to start telling them what to do..but here's the thing...they are pretty much grown, they have a mother, I'm not trying to be their mother and I moved into THEIR lives, not the other way around. At this point I just dont really feel comfortable because I dont want it to come off as I'm trying to boss them around, and the 13 year old hates his dad so any and everything that he doesnt like, he goes right back to his bitter mother and she takes my boyfriend to court..which is the ONLY reason my boyfriend is going through this right now. I just want to know has anyone else gone through this? Entering a new relationship with already grown kids? What do I do? How am I supposed to feel? Am I overreacting?,,,at this point, I'm ready to take my daughter and move out! I'm already overwhelmed as is...please any advice, thanks!!
Jazzy22- WELCOME!!! To a
Jazzy22- WELCOME!!! To a place where you can say how you feel, and get support! I found this site a week ago, and it's made such a difference!
NO you are not over reacting!
So, here's what I have to offer-
Order the book, "Stepmonsters", you can get it at Amazon.com.
Subscribe to this online Step mom magazine- www.stepmommag.com It's amazing! $5/month. Download the January issue and read it, it's great and it is the "Experts" discussing and giving advice of what works and what doesn't on these subjects with step families. In particular there is a great article on biological dads and how they operate with new wives etc. I think it will be great for you and for him. I read it to my husband too.
From experience I can tell you "It AIN'T easy!!!" I have 2 stepkids, girl is 16yrs old and boy is almost 14 yrs old (SD16 & SS13). They live with me (or should I say, I moved in with them!) and I have them FULL TIME! I personally think your BF should be doing the discipling. And from what I've read written by the Experts, that's what they suggest too. It's not your responsibity to parent these boys. And they are plenty old enough to share responsiblities, have responsiblities and it is their DAD'S place to tell them that NOT you. You and your BF being on the same page, supporting one another is the only thing that's going to make this work. This is what I have learned this over the last 2 years.
Take a deep breath. You will figure this out. Are you 2 engaged?
OH you are like heaven sent!!
OH you are like heaven sent!! No we are not engaged,so I guess I'm the step-girlfriend lol but he constantly tells me how he wants to get married and all that gushy stuff. I love him and our relationship and I knew what I was getting BUT with the intent I wouldn't have to deal with all of this crap ugh! I'm def going to check that book out and it is so refreshing that I am not alone in this..thank you!!
The custody battle is for the
The custody battle is for the 13yr old only. When my BF and his ex seperated, they agreed on rotating every other week..well now the 13yr old is (I hate to say )a bratty little punk and he tells his mother lies about the "abuse" he endures here with his father..making up things like" there's never any food in the house, when there is food, he's only aloud to eat a small bag of chips, his father(my BF) gets drunk and verbally abuses him, he has to sleep on the floor, he takes him late school"..I mean the list of LIES just goes on! When he is here my BF actually makes him do chores (when I'm on his azz about it) and not play video games all day and of course teenagers want to do their own thing w/out being bugged by mom and dad. Their mother is still bitter from the divorce that she believes any and everything a THIRTEEN yr old says. SO needless to say she is fighting for full custody now..this just adds to the problem because my BF does not want to add anymore distress on the kid as to not end up in court. It's a battle I feel at times I will never win.
BUT I think I'm going to suck it up and just start asking them to chores. I dont want to be the evil GF but at this point I cant take it anymore.
You are definitely welcome
You are definitely welcome
Feel free to message me when you need some support!
I get it. And I just want to clarify...you definitely have EVERY RIGHT and AT ANY TIME to step in and enforce rules with these stepkids. First it would probably be helpful for you and BF to get clear what's expected from kids as a "parental unit". For your own sanity right now, I really got that you're not feeling comfortable and that is why I said he should be doing the disciplining. They are his kids.
If you guys are not on the "same page" the stepkids will sense that your divided and this could set up a situation where they play you guys against eachother. I speak from experience here.
Keep breathing
From a "Step Dad's"
From a "Step Dad's" perspective....
First off, sit Dad down when there are no distractions and the SKids are not there. Explain how you feel in a CALM way but also explain that you are very serious and want him to understand how you feel. He needs to understand that this is not just another emotional venting session.
Explain to him that when you moved in and decided to breed (I know it's not a romantic way of looking at it but whatevs) with him that you were looking at this as being your home TOGETHER, you are NOT a room mate. He needs to understand that as far as "rules" and the household environment goes, this is as much YOUR house as it is HIS. You need to present a "United Front" and give the Skids the "House Rules". The sad reality of it is that if they can't agree to follow them, then they should not be allowed over. Especially the 18yr old, he is legally an adult so if he cannot act like one, then he is not welcome. You may have to go to an ultimatum and explain that the stress caused is effecting you and you are concerned about your new baby and if this cannot be resolved you may have to opt to reside somewhere else, or at least go somewhere else (like a family member or friend's) for the weekends that they are there.
You are correct in the statement that, at 18, he is done being "raised" and you aren't going to do anything to change his habits and behavior. However, as a "Young Adult" he can absolutely be expected to behave as such and follow rules just like he would if he went to a strangers house or had a job.
You may have to suggest that Dad get creative and play "Hard Ball" to get the little one (or both) to do what you want them to. If they are sitting and playing games and you ask them to clean up a mess they left in the kitchen, go unplug the Internet router and take the cord with you and tell them it won't come back until the mess (or any chore) is done. Or remove the game system itself before they come over and tell them it is "in the shop" this weekend and make them do chores (of course you can only really expect them to do things that relate to them, like do their laundry, clean their room etc) or do something as a family.
It sucks but if they are just walking all over both of you and causing more drama than anything else then your only options are to either remove yourself from the situation for a short or long period of time, or force him to choose between coddling his kids that shit all over him anyways, and you, the mother of his newest child and the woman that he professes his love for.
As far as the food stuff, all you can do there is tell him that you are not going to contribute your finances to their junk food, so until he is willing to put a throttle on their gullets, you will buy your own food and he can buy whatever he wants for his kids and keep your stuff in a diff cupboard.
@SuperDad- THANK YOU for
@SuperDad- THANK YOU for that, it really has me feeling alot more confident and all of everyones advice...My BF went and picked up them up this evening so they are here as we speak lol.I am definitely going to start voicing my concerns and we shall see how it goes..I'll let you all know
Wish me luck LOL!
House rules and boundaries
House rules and boundaries definately need to be set in place, and yes, your house your rules, mom's place mom's rules apply. But as for you having to discipline his kids, don't even try it. It is not your place and you already know that. Dad is certainly being lazy here in many ways isn't he. They are his kids, and he needs to be the one to tell them what to do. As for you leaving the house when they come over, pigs would fly before I would do that on my own, let alone pack up a baby for the day weekend whatever.
These guys have had a whole lot of years living like this at mom's house trust me. Dad needs to get his act together and realise this is not mom's house anymore and new rules apply. He also needs to step up and be a dad to all 3 kids, and that means not letting his newborn have to find a home for the weekend so his sons can be pigs in the newborns home. He needs to support you and yes you do have to show a united front to the older boys.
Work out what you want, what you expect the behaviour in your home to be, write it down get your boyfriend to go over it with you and come to some sort of agreement on what sort of behaviour is or is not acceptable in your home and then present it together to the boys. What a cheek expecting you to discipline them, how can you discipline the 18 year old, his ways are set in concrete, and the younger one is going to be a battle. If dad hasn't managed to do it, how can you.
Your DH raised them this way HE needs to change it. He has started a new life with you, so he cannot live the old way.