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Vacation sounded fun until H invited SD to come along!

fadedbackground's picture

H has been saying for years now how he needs to get down to Florida to see extended family he hasn’t seen in 20 years. Yet every time he’d bring it up it would quickly be forgotten. Well H has a voucher from Alaska Air that he needs to use by October so we thought we’d plan on going down to L.A. and spend time at Disneyland and other parks there. Then he wondered how much it would be to go to Disney World in Florida and we could also see his family. However he wants to go In December so wouldn’t be able to use his voucher. Well last night we calculated it all out with airfare and spending a few nights in a Disney resort. The whole package is  nearly $2800 and that’s without the airfare which we have yet to book which will probably end up being nearly another $1000. I get a big bonus in June so I figure we can use that to pay for it. We reserved the hotel package and only had to pay $200 of the $2800. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t been to Disney in about 25 years and was excited about staying in the hotel that the monorail goes through. BUT within about 30 minutes of booking the package H goes “I would really like SD to come with us. She’s never met any of the extended family. But she can’t contribute to any of the costs.” I was furious! I then said to him “I really don’t want to spend my vacation with SD and her boyfriend”. I wanted to just say SD but wanted to see what kind of reaction I got by adding the boyfriend. Well H says to me all irritated “Well the boyfriend isn’t going to come! Are you kidding? SD NEEDS to meet her cousins. She has no idea who her extended family is!” I thought it was maybe him just talking, but nope! He posts an event on Facebook about our trip and includes her. Then after I go to bed he texts her about it in case she hasn’t seen it and then she ends up calling him about it. First thing out of her mouth is how come her boyfriend can’t come. She says “It’s because you don’t like him isn’t it?” Well he’d never met him and yeah from what we know of him we don’t like him but H tells her it’s a FAMILY trip. Apparently she succumbs and agrees with him. Then he says to her that she needs to save up and pay her own airfare and that she should be able to save $400 in the next 8 months! Hah! You wanna bet? Apparently H has no idea just how much the package is going to go up because he says that he’ll take care of everything else. Well now the package is $700 more and seeing as how I’m paying for it and I know H won’t contribute a cent towards it because he’s going to buy our airfare, I am NOT tacking on another $700 so 21 y/o SD who I can’t stand to be around gets to come and spoil the whole vacation! We get to share a room with her. Great!  No doubt after day one she’ll complain that she doesn’t want to walk anymore and just wants to spend the day in the hotel room brooding about why her boyfriend isn’t there! H doesn’t realize just how much more it will be with her staying there. When I tell him he’d better say she needs to come up with airfare AND the extra $700 for the room. There is NO WAY she would have the money for that. I can even see H saying he’ll pay for her share and he’ll also pay her airfare but that she needs to pay him back which she will sweetly say she will but will NEVER happen. And once again the little princess who isn’t going to school, barely working a minimum wage job and sits around and smokes pot and drinks heavily gets to come along for free!

 

Now I get to seethe about this for 8 months wondering if she is really coming or not. On top of that there’s still the chance that they may move up here come August. Oh what a fun year of not knowing a damn thing until it actually happens!! And what kills me is that we went to New Zealand last year for his 50th birthday. I paid for EVERYTHING (airfare, food, hotel stays) and he tells me that since we are going to Disney a few weeks before my birthday that this can be MY birthday trip! Oh what fun. I get to pay for it AND SD will be joining us! Can’t ask for a more pleasant time!

Winterglow's picture

I'd cancel... NOW. Spend your had-earned cash on a real holiday for you ... even if that means going without your DuH.

If he wants to do Disney with his daughter, let him cough up the funds for it.

SteppedOut's picture

Holy crap I'd be spitting fire mad. Sorry. Bleh.

Just goes to show this goes on after skids turn 18. I see so many posters think if they can "just hold out until skid is 18", everything will be magically better. Hopefully someone on the fence sees this and a light bulb illuminates for them.

Sorry girl, this sucks. 

fadedbackground's picture

I wanted to say to him "Why don't you take her down on your own another time since this is a vacation for us?" Well even with us we're going ot be around all these people I've never met so there will probably always be someone with us. that wouldn't have gone over well. And the thing is he knows I don't really care for her. When she was up 2 months ago for his birthday wiht her 2 slacker friends I made it through 3 days with her. I barely spoke to her and she doesn't really want to interact much with me. After they left he says to me "Thank you for being nice to her". Well I wasn't really much of anything to her because I tried to avoid her and her friends at all costs! honestly, if he thinks I went out of my way to be nice to her for three days, what makes him think I want to spend a week away with her?!

Winterglow's picture

Who CARES if it doesn't go down well! This is your money, your time, your vacation and it matters to you. Good grief, she'll even be sleeping in your room! Stop seething and start doing! You do not have to be a doormat, you know!

Monkeysee's picture

I'm with Winterglow, so what if your DH throws a fit because you say you want this to be a trip just for you two??  No WAY would I be sharing a hotel room with an adult skid, especially not on my freaking 'birthday' trip. Let him throw his fit!! Hold your ground! 

The biggest disservice women here seem to do for themselves is back down when their SO's get angry or defensive.  Don't do it!!!  Daddeeeeeee and his darling princess can go to Florida another time.  Read Cover1's blog, she literally just got back from a trip like this. It's NOT WORTH IT.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Because he's so desperate for you guys to get along that he thinks you guys not getting in some sort of argument or drama then suddenly things are hunky-dory!! Be straight with him and let him know you barely tolerated her and you are NOT interested in having your vacay spoiled. I've no doubt you have good reasons for feeling the way you do, and vacations are supposed to be for enjoyment.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

My blood is boiling for you.

I would be very, very clear right now with DH. "DH, I will not be spending this trip, particularly my birthday trip, with SD. I want this time with my husband, just the two of us. If you can't handle this, please let me know by the end of the week, so that I can cancel and reschedule for another time, when you are able to vacation with me as husband and wife. And you and SD can go ahead and visit your family on your own".

ETA: After reading your last post... yes you will be around his family for part of the trip. But are they also coming to Disney? Hopefully that was going to be the two of you.

 

fadedbackground's picture

The extended family pretty much all live in Orlando and H wants to do a family day at Disney. Not really looking forward to that either since we could have kids there as young as 2 and I know there are three of them between the ages of 10 and 16. My vacation does not really want to be spent with kids. On top of that H already said in his post that on family day that people are more than welcome to spend the night in our room! Sure, why not! I mean there are two beds and SD will be in one and we'll be in the other but sure, invite everyone to crash. Oh it will be so much fun!

still learning's picture

How about splurging and taking a few of your new SM BFF's on a trip to Disneyland instead of your DuH and SD.  "Sorry DuH, I've spent all of you and SD's portion of the trip money to buy Still Leaning and a few other awesome SM's fully paid trips to Orlando.  A girls trip for MY birthday. Doesn't that sound fun?!"  "You and SD can meet us there after you figure out how you're going to pay for it. ta ta honey."  

I'm so down for this OP! PM me Wink

shamds's picture

Without your permission!! Oh f*#k no!! And i even get fuming mad when hubby invites his family for a bbq at our home that i’m expected to cater without discussing with me when i had a toddler and a highly allergic fussy newborn. Your husband has just gone bonkers!!

shamds's picture

Without your permission!! Oh f*#k no!! And i even get fuming mad when hubby invites his family for a bbq at our home that i’m expected to cater without discussing with me when i had a toddler and a highly allergic fussy newborn. Your husband has just gone bonkers!!

shamds's picture

Without your permission!! Oh f*#k no!! And i even get fuming mad when hubby invites his family for a bbq at our home that i’m expected to cater without discussing with me when i had a toddler and a highly allergic fussy newborn. Your husband has just gone bonkers!!

shamds's picture

Without your permission!! Oh f*#k no!! And i even get fuming mad when hubby invites his family for a bbq at our home that i’m expected to cater without discussing with me when i had a toddler and a highly allergic fussy newborn, a messy house and certain siblings of his expecting i cook breakfast as a priority over breastfeeding my newborn.

Your husband has just gone bonkers!!

fadedbackground's picture

The extended family pretty much all live in Orlando and H wants to do a family day at Disney. Not really looking forward to that either since we could have kids there as young as 2 and I know there are three of them between the ages of 10 and 16. My vacation does not really want to be spent with kids. On top of that H already said in his post that on family day that people are more than welcome to spend the night in our room! Sure, why not! I mean there are two beds and SD will be in one and we'll be in the other but sure, invite everyone to crash. Oh it will be so much fun!

ybarra357's picture

No way would I spend my vacation with adult SK's and this is a hill I would absofreakinlutely die on.  

kaybee82's picture

No, is a complete sentence. Why are you paying for this? Why don't you just say no?

 

I, honest to god, don't understand why you HAVE to do any of this. What exactly are you afraid of? 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Cancel. Book YOURSELF a trip to Disneyland or Disneyworld or whatever. Do NOT use YOUR hard-earned money on your DuH or his demonspawn!

MrsStepMom's picture

I would say I am not going nor paying. I mean, going to Disney sounds like eating glass to me anyway, let alone with HER.

Indigo's picture

Wow.  I thought romantic interludes & spontaneity are a traditional part of vacations? 

Setting that aside, I would factor in non-big-ticket items:  meals, snacks, sodas, drinks, separate hotel rooms, perhaps the cost of an occasional Uber if someone gets bored, tickets to additional activities, expense for your side-trips because you just cannot handle more extended family moments with no privacy.

Indigo's picture

Was poor advice & strictly passive-aggressive, although oddly satisfying to the evil troll within ...

Just Say No. Wrap it in whatever fluff works for you but your $, your say.

shamds's picture

is that she tells her hubby if sd is being invited “is sd being kicked out for wild f*#k my brains out sex time? Oh thats right you won’t get any because my mood for it has been lost”

it feels these parents of divorce intentionally sabotage their relationships and marriages and then play innocence 

Indigo's picture

Was busted by SGD-10-then, fully-clothed, straddling SO-70-then, making out in a recliner.  

Memory-making moment. However, OP's SD is an adult which makes the situation more awkward.

fadedbackground's picture

I just texted him that adding SD to the already $2800 package is another $800 and asked if she planned on paying for it. His response. "No, we'll talk about it tonight after I sort it out". What the hell are you sorting out? Your finances to see how you can pay for it? Oh he'll say it will be her birthday and Christmas gift....yeah that I'll end up paying for! He can't even pay his share of the monthly bills but yet can find $800 for her to come with us???!!!

futurobrillante99's picture

Please just abort this mission - let him go if he wants to, but tell him YOU are not going and YOU are not paying for ANY of it nor will you cover his share of the bills.

Your birthday will be spent in the peace of your own home without any a-holes.

Be honest. Tell him YOU cannot afford it because even if he promises to pay, it will end up costing you a ton.

shamds's picture

sk and not have privacy.

last year for our 4th wedding anniversary, i had about 4 months prior asked hubby if we were free to go somewhere our anniversary weekend, we often do mini getaways a few hours away to relax. He says no as hal alot of work functions and would let me know closer to the date

then 3 days before our anniversary weekend, ss20 messages hubby referring to himself in 3rd person that “person is free from this date to this date for you to take me and my sisters on holiday (sd22 & sd14), hubby messages me immediately from work asking me to book airfares and hotel and we can go anywhere for our wedding anniversary with 3 skids.

he got NOOOOOOOOOO! 

He was confused and i mentioned the above how unavailable he was and suddenly our wedding anniversary he drops everything last min because ss said to, that i now must spend a few days having skids ignore me on our anniversary, go on and on about bio mum and sdad to make them relevant and go out of their way to exclude me, disrespect me and emotionally abuse us and this is our wedding anniversary 

i kid you not i texted hubby screenshots of flight tickets back to my country that weekend (2 days away) saying me and our 3 yr old and 1.5 yr old are flying to my country on our own courtesy of your credit card. You can go enjoy your lovely holiday with kids by ex playing imaginary happy family, where you’re ignored, belittled, manipulated etc. Enjoy the silence

hubby said he would never go on holiday alone, that its torture to be alone with them and me and our 2 toddlers were his distraction. I suggested he tell those kids of his that it was torture to be around them because of their behaviour and disrespect and how the treat others

i do not go on any visits with all skids present. Ss lives with us when not at university so there are fmaily events here and there like weddings and new years. I refuse to go when all 3 are there. Hubby can’t even pay me money to make me attend any events with them 

the girls are mini wives who are far more superior to me when it comes to what goes with my 2 toddlers. Believe me i stand my ground firmly, i do not budge and i enjoy my privacy and boundaries. Skids have no respect for this 

TwoOfUs's picture

Gross. 

I hate it when they do this...always angling for something for their stupid brats. On our time and our dime. This would be such a boner killer for me. 

FWIW...there's absolutely no reason a 21-year-old adult shouldn't be able to save up $700 in 8 months if she really wants to go on the vacation. Also...why is it suddenly so urgent that she meet her cousins? Now? At 21? What does your DH think is going to happen...they're magically going to bond and become best buds? 

If he didn't find the time and the resources to keep her connected to her extended family when she was a child...or his extended family didn't find the time and the resources to stay connected to DH and SD...why does he assume it's your job to fix that situation now

This is the truly s***** thing about being a SM. Doesn't matter how "in the clear" you think you are...the "first family" can always come back to haunt you at any time. 

tog redux's picture

OP, so much wrong here.  If DH can't pay any bills, why are you guys going on a 3K vacation? And if it's for your birthday, why would he invite SD? And why would he expect you to share a room with her?  And he wants you to spend your birthday vacation interacting with all of his family every day?

I'd say this was not the birthday vacation I had in mind - he can take SD to see his family on his own dime, and you can invite a friend to go somewhere with you.

 

fadedbackground's picture

He doesn't think, plain and simple! All he can see is he'll have a vacation and family visit all at the same time and SD can come and be a part of it and for soem reason he thinks he's doing SD such a service by introducing her to all these people she's never met.. He doesn't think about her being in our room. If I bring it up he'll say "So what's the big deal? All we're going to do there is sleep". It's about frickin' privacy! Anything I bring up he will have an answer for even if it's ridiculous just to show that he's right and I'm being petty!

Winterglow's picture

"So what's the big deal? All we're going to do there is sleep"

"Yeah, I forgot you lost your balls years ago. Never mind, I'll pack my rabbit. Hope your DD doesn't mind the noise ..."

Siemprematahari's picture

Faded, how is your H making all these plans and not consulting with you 1st? He doesn't even have the funds to finance this, you have complete control so why are you not regulating this madness?? There is nothing to discus because you are not paying for anyone not to mention the fact that if this is for your birthday why are you coming out of pocket for anything???

Visiting his extended family is not vacation or a birthday gift. You are not communicating your wants and if you don't stand strong he'll continue to plan things and not consult you about it. He has no care in the world how you feel but still makes plans like your opinion doesn't matter. There is something wrong with that.

fadedbackground's picture

SD can't save anything! She came up with her friends 2 months ago and H suggested they go see a movie to get them out of the house for a while and SD said that she didn't have any money so they were just going to hang out and watch tv like they usually do! She doesn't have money to go to a movie then how the hell is she living on her own with the boyfriend??? She's working some menial job at a Chinese restaurant instead of going to school. I'm sure BM pays a majority of her bills.

And I don't know why he is so insistant that SD meet her extended family. She'll see them now and then not see them for another 20 years, if ever again. And no doubt she will think that she is best friends with everyone. She's like that with almost any new person she meets. She's Facebook friends with them and then they share a few words back and forth and they are her new best buddy. H's one cousin was estranged from his teenage daughter. This girl went missing and they found her body a week later and still don't know who did it. Right after she died and they were looking for what happened, SD said she wanted to get a tattoo of this girl's name! She has never met any of this family and was already saying she was going to get this tattoo to honor her! She instatnly thinks that she is part of whoever she meets. We had a coworker of my husband's over a few years ago who was quite a bit younger and his girlfriend. The girlfriend was about 7 years older than SD but SD just thought they were going to be forever friends and got her on Facebook and everything and there's been no talk between them since.

Siemprematahari's picture

Are you going to have a conversation with your H about this or are you just venting and will allow it to play out?

fadedbackground's picture

Just venting becasue he got all heated when I said last night that I didn't want to take a vacation with SD and the boyfriend. Then he acted like SD wasn't the problem is was the boyfriend and said "Of course HE'S not going, Are you kidding? But she NEEDS to meet her cousins. They have no idea who she is". If I would have then said "I mean I don't want to go with SD" all hell probably would have erupted even though he knows I'm not a fan of hers. I can just see it now. We go there and SD wants to go to the park but H wants to take a nap and he'll go "Why don't you girls go to the park for a few hours and I'll meet you later". Always frickin' pushing her off on me so he can have his space and alone time. 

Winterglow's picture

I've already said this but ... FFS, LET all hell break loose! TELL him what you want and what you refuse to do. Be your own woman. Be blunt about your feelings, you won't ever have to do it again. It's when you are wishy-washy about things that they keep coming around. Say NO! HELL NO! just the once ... yes, all Hell will break loose but you'll be FREE forever!

futurobrillante99's picture

I have to agree with Winterglow.

I'll give it to you straight - venting is all well and good, but if you don't stand up for yourself you are PART of your own misery. He's not doing it to you as much as YOU are letting it be done to yourself.

I would rather it all blow up and end that live in a constant state of stress and having to walk on eggshells. And I can say this because I did say ENOUGH and left.

Highly recommend!

shamds's picture

then that is an issue hubby failed to address years ago. Even my cousins living on the other side of the world in europe we keep in comtact through facebook and skype etc. 

If no effort was done to maintain this relationship in her younger years, none of the cousins give a flying shit about her.

you have a right to your privacy in your own room like getting dressed and relaxing etc, sd should not be in it period!

your husband just makes my eyes boil!!!

hereiam's picture

She's going to allow it.

She admitted years ago (under a differnet user name) that she cannot and will not stand up for herself.

kaybee82's picture

Cuz, yeah, if thats the case, no point in offering advice.

hereiam's picture

Yep.

sandye21's picture

When someone comes on here to vent do they want inspiration to change the situation or just use us like a crying rag?  I wrote a response and then saw what you wrote.  I guess we can choose to respond or let these people vent to no one.  Thanks for the 'heads up'.  I guess a little masochism never hurt anybody, right?

Monkeysee's picture

You're doing this to yourself, and I've got no sympathy for you. Thanks for the heads up so I can avoid your posts. I'm all for venting, but if you're not going to do anything to help yourself I've got no time for that BS. Your vacation will suck, but that's 100% on you!

kaybee82's picture

I've noticed that most women on this site just want to vent. They don't actually have the backbone/self esteem/self worth/self love to actually not put up with these disrespectful, mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, user/abusers.  I think maybe most are some form of co-dependant, or conflict avoidant.

shamds's picture

situation but i agree there comes a point where you must say to yourself “am i worth anything? Do i have any self respect?” Because if i do damn straight i’d tell my spouse to sort this shit right away or i’m leaving him for good because the nightmare with skids, if they treat stepparent like crap, 90% of the time they treat their bio parent the same.

Just bio parent lacks self esteem to stand up for themselves and not be manipulated/guilted by skids. Surely these bio parents know full well this isn’t a healthy life to live and their life is being sabotaged by terrorists?? But mostly they keep their head in the sand and avoid confrontation and drama which means their spouse is thrown under the bus with no support and told to be patient or worse still “put up with it”. 

When my husband said that last year, i told him i wanted a divorce. He was at work and fighting arguing with his 20yr old son who’s response was “couldn’t give a stuff and i’m stressed”.

brat should get a job, be a parent and have arsehole skids and i’ll show you what real stress is!!

Indigo's picture

How disappointing.  

I was thinking we could all offer suggestions, tools & tips encouraging a fun vacation.

 

 

sandye21's picture

This really pizzes me off because I went through this crap with DH for years and did nothing but complain to other people.  I'm with the other posters who say cancel all plans.  If DH wants to go to visit relatives with SD he can go on his own dime and at another time besides your birthday.

Many of us SMs have gotten the shaft like this.  When I first married my DH I was making quite a lot more than he was, paying most of the bills, and (hard to believe now) taking vacations with SD.  On one vacation she actually shared a room with us.  The next day we strolled the streets of a beautiful city, SD and DH walking on the sidewalk ahead of me, with me taking up the rear behind them - they never looked back to see if I was still there.  And guess what?  I paid for the majority of the vacations.  This occurred several times.

I have to say that shortly before getting married to DH I had experienced some really negative situations and terrible rejection so I was a prime candidate for being used.  I would lick the boots of anyone who walked up to me and even hinted that I had their approval.  I am wondering how long you've been married and if DH has always been so thoughtless of you?  Because my DH treated me a lot like yours does now - until I put my foot down.  And you should too - not later - NOW!

When DH started paying his share and paying for his daughter's share he became less generous.  Another thing my DH learned was that I will NEVER again share my Birthday or our Anniversary with SD or his family.  And you shouldn't either.  You are NOT being petty and don't allow anyone to suggest otherwise.  This started off as a celebration of your Birthday and your DH conveniently transformed it to suit HIS desires.  The trip has nothing to do with your Birthday anymore.

Other posters have written that "No" is a complete sentence.  I agree whole-heartedly with them.  If your DH can't make your Birthday about you, just say "No" and refuse to discuss the subject any further.  Then take the money you were going to spend on your Birthday, leave DH home and do something really special for yourself.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Cancel this trip immediately with DH, let him take his daughter, apparently she is more important than his wife. At least this move would let him figure out where is priorities are and if he goes, start some alternative planning away from him one day.

Yeah, just reading your entry below, you cannot believe a word this man is saying to you. Just like the poster states below, there is not an ounce of truth in what is about to happen to you....staying with cousins for 2 days whom have no clue who you are, seriously?  Come on, ridiculous..... Strangers, related or not, don't just say hey, lets hang together for forty-eight hours, I have nothing else to do. You know his rationale is self-serving yourself; it is not in your interest at all.

.I would let the two of them vacation together alone in Disney and I would spend my time packing or planning for my next move toward my own happiness.

 

fadedbackground's picture

So H tells me his plan for SD last night, you know, this is what he had to "sort out". First off he tells me that now he is paying for her airfare which I KNEW was going to happen. We are staying at this Disney hotel for 3 nights and 4 days but he tells me his whackadoodle plan of SD is only going to stay with us in the room for one night and go to the park with us for one day (and now apparently she is paying for this one day park pass which is about $180 so now instead of paying $400 for airfare she pays $180, which still probably won't happen) and THEN he is going to have her stay with his cousins so that she can get ingrained with them! WHAT?! SD doesn't know this is the plan, the cousins don't know this is the plan. SD thinks she's getting 4 days at Disney, but now she gets to hang out with his 30 something year old cousins for 2 days on her own! Maybe you shoudl tell her this first and see if she still wants to go rather than buying her airfare, which you can't refund, and have her pitch a fit and be moody??!! Do you think these cousins want to hang out with her? Maybe you should bring it up with them first rather than just asking when we get there if they can take her in for a couple of nights?? And why is he so insistent that she get to know these people? She will most likely never see them again!

Mountains's picture

it is a story to get you to agree...you will most likely be stuck with her all four days....open your eyes!

fadedbackground's picture

Well duh, I know that! Obviously by how it's already changed from how she has to pay her airfare to now she just needs to pay for a day at Disney to I'm sure she wont have to pay a damn cent an dshe'll be staying in our room the entire time. And if I argue about it he'll say "Can we just have a good time and get along? Come on! You can handle it for a week!"

Harry's picture

You know your DH is just telling you a story.  It’s never going to happen that way.  SD is paying for nothing,  actually SD is getting money from her BF.  She is no staying with her cousins she doesn’t know. She is with you 24 hours a day. Or with her father 24 hours a day, we don’t know where you are going to be.  She is staying with you and going to the parks the whole time all 4 days and Three night,  all of you in one room.  Then there the good, snacks, other buying her things 

It just so frustrating that you know exactly what goner go on. So either don’t go. Or don’t vent about it. If you go you are going to be the third wheel banker.  You can follow them around any pay for everything.  Then please don’t expect a thank you.  You will be the bad person for something you will do that will rune there perfect trip 

fadedbackground's picture

H is just so stoked about this trip he can't contain himself.He's saying now how we have to start planning what we're going to do because there are going to be like 15 other family members there and they're going to want to hang out with us and how one day we're going to have to do an everybody day at Disney and then another day we'll send SD to hang out with some of them and we'll hang out with the others. My favorite is that he told his niece that her and her 3 kids can even crash in our room for a night OR MORE if they want! Yes 7 people in a 2 bed room. Why not, right?! Just what I want, 2 teenage boys and a pre teen girl in our room. Oh my dream vacation! Wouldn't surprise me if H decided to buy all 3 kids he's never met a day pass to Disney with money he doesn't have becaue "they need a father figure in their lives" since his niece never married, just had kids by 2 different guys. Of course that father figure should be you right when you have never even met your niece before!?!

I then ask him to clarify what SD will be doing and say "So she's buying her own Disney pass for ONE day right"? He goes yeah and then we'll send her off to the beach with the cousins for the day. THEN he says, "But if she wants to go to Disney another day I'll probably just buy her a day pass"! Of course you will! It went from her having to buy her airfare, which you are now buying for her, to her having to pay for Disney, which you will now supplement if she wants to go more than one day. He sees I'm not really happy with it and comes over to me and uts his hands on my shoulders and goes "Don't let SD ruin this for you, I'll take care of her. She's 21, she can behave and take care of herself.(Which is funny becasue before he asked her to come along he actually said to me that he didn't know if she woudl behave!). I would like you to use this trip to bond with her and be a mentor to her". I am so f'n tired of hearing how he wants us to bond when it's clear I hate having her around! I've been around her 10 years and the last thing I've ever wanted to do is bond with her. He even knows I don't like her as that came out in one argument when I was complaining about her and he said "Yeah I know you hate her!" And last time I saw her she didn't go out of her way to talk to me. Yet here you are sticking us together for a week and asking me to "mentor" her becasue I'm such a good person! Then he says he wants to have her go off with his stepmom who is a good person too and have her have a talk with her to get her to see straight and get on track. Hey how about YOU, HER FATHER mentor her and talk to her! You think everyone else needs to get her to get her life together besides you!

Winterglow's picture

"I would like you to use this trip to bond with her and be a mentor to her"

At that point, I'd have decked him ...

Seriously, has he stopped taking his meds? 

fadedbackground's picture

She's 21, she lives a lifestyle that is 180 degress from mine. What the hell am I going to mentor her on? At her age I was in my junior year of college 2 hours away from home, home for the summers working a full time job, no boyfriend, had friends I hung out with and went to the bars with, active into being outside and doing things, had plenty of money because I saved. She is a 21 year old who quit college after barely being there, smokes pot, drinks enough to get her stupid, spends time in dark rooms playing video games and wouldn't care if she ever stepped foot outside, has never lived on her own always with her mother or a boyfriend (has never been without a boyfriend for more than a couple weeks at a time since she was 17), has a menial job, has no money and can barely pay bills, has about half a dozen tattoos and still thinks she's so cool. What exactly is a week with me going to do?

futurobrillante99's picture

Yeah, I'm out. Best of luck.

This is painful like watching someone getting tortured and hearing them cry out in pain, but they aren't even tied up but could jump up and walk away.

fadedbackground's picture

I looked at our online phone data and see that he nad her exchanged about 20 text messages last night wihhin about an hour. I know he came home and said "Yeah SD is stoked about going, she's got it on her calendar". I'm sure she's plenty stoked after you no doubt told her all the fun stuff we're going to do and she doesn't have to pay for anything! Now he really CAN be a Disney dad! And apparently she and I are going to come away from this vacaiton arm in arm and so happy to hang out with each other! Oh the magic of Disney!

Merry's picture

I’d tell my DH straight out that the whole thing sounds like torture. Spending days on end with people you don’t know and spending a stupid amount of money is not how you intend to spend your birthday trip. 

He will be upset. So what? He doesn’t care that you are upset now. 

 

There is a light's picture

I  am confused!

You are concerned about everything else but your own self-worth as his wife.   Your husband is being thoughtless, caring only about himself, on your birthday and you will be paying!

I am lost for words.   I hear you venting ...... but no action taken.

A stepdad's dream wife 

Harry's picture

i would love to go on vacation, to a place I want to go, with people I know, Do what i want  and you can pay for it.

yes I am falling in love. Hawaii? Japan ? 

fadedbackground's picture

Oh and now we are also going to LA in July so he can use his $100 plane voucher. He decided he wanted to go so he can take a tour of this video game studio. I said I'd take the tour wiht him since it's just an hour out of the day and then do other stuff. He books the plane tickets for us that evening after I go to bed. Doesn't ask if the times he picked were okay with me, just did it and I didn't find out until the next day when I see he had the printout of the booking in the printer! Then I look at our phone records and see after I went to bed there were about 40 texts between about 10Pm and midnight with him and a number I didn't recognize. You can imagine I really wanted to know who that was. He tells me the next night when he gets home that he was talking with this guy he met 6 months earlier on the same plane they took to Austin who was going to the same video game convention he was. Their plane got diverted to Dallas and they had to rent a car together and drive there. Apparently they really bonded during this time even though he hasn't until that night ever contacted him again. He tells me that he told this guy we were going to LA and takign this tour and asked the guy if he wanted to come! Can you f'n believe that?! Asks some guy he hasn't had any other contact with and I've never met if he wants to join us! Luckily the guy said he couldn't. But I was just flabbergasted that he plans this long weekend for us and then goes and asks some rando to join us without a word to me about it!

fadedbackground's picture

Or even better is when there's a group of us out and he says something like "Oh hey why don't you stay with us for a few days" and then turns to me right in front of them and goes "That's okay right"? What the hell am I supposed to say at that point? We were out one night with my coworker and her friend who was staying with her.This was a Tuesday night and as we were going our separate ways at about 9PM H goes "We should get together this weekend" and my coworker goes "We're heading out of town for the weekend on Thursday (2 days from now)  and then he heads back the day after we return". Well that didn't stop H who said "Why don't you guys come over tomorrow night and I'll cook for you". OMG! Even my coworker looked at me like "Well that's not any notice" but H turns to me and goes "That's cool right"? Sure, why not! It's 9PM and you want them to come over at 7PM the next night. I have to work and won't be home until 5PM, you won't be home until 6:30, we have nothing to make for them so I have to stop at the store on my way home from work and get something plus find time between 5 and 7 to clean the house. You won't even be cookign until after they get here since you'll barely make it home before they get here, but hell ya let's do that!

2nd wives club's picture

Or even better is when there's a group of us out and he says something like "Oh hey why don't you stay with us for a few days" and then turns to me right in front of them and goes "That's okay right"? What the hell am I supposed to say at that point?

Either "No that doesn't work for me" or "Sure, I'll book a spa vacation and you can have the house to yourself!" and let him fetch and tend to his guests. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Faded every time your H takes it upon himself to volunteer and agree on things without asking you..........what do you say? Do you address him? If so why does he keep doing it? You have to make your point strong and clear if he's being hard headed that you matter and are his WIFE.....

WTF.....stop allowing this!!! He does it because he can..........because you allow it!

Put your big girl panties on and regulate his @ss already..........If you were my friend I'd shake you.......you can't blame him if you continue to allow this f@ckery......

 

Too old for this's picture

I felt badly for you at first. But then after so many people posted the obvious and said CANCEL you kept going on taking this idiotic nonsense.  You have total control over the situation- just don’t go. Get your money back or write off what you have paid so far.  (A small price to pay for release from this craziness). 

If you keep on with this you must be enjoying the masochistic experience.  If we keep reading, we are doing likewise.

 

There is a light's picture

I beginning to think this is a wind up!

You are not responding to people's comments ...... in fact you go on to add one insult after another.

I stop here!

 

There is a light's picture

I beginning to think this is a wind up!

You are not responding to people's comments ...... in fact you go on to add one insult after another.

I stop here!

 

MissTexas's picture

Constructed?

You remind me of someone who  talks non-stop, and is hyperventilating, not even pausing to let the other person speak.

I'm trying to root for you and be in your corner, but each yellow hilited post from you is nothing but a bitch fest. Granted, it does sound dreadful, but some people simply don't want advice, but to keep on lamenting how terrible they have it. This, in my opinoin, is largely self-inflicted. Some people do not want a solution, because then they would have no more fuel for their shit-show parade.

This sounds like it is  probably the SD posting under the guise of being the wife...seems very suspicious to me.

sandye21's picture

"This sounds like it is  probably the SD posting under the guise of being the wife...seems very suspicious to me."  I agree!   i can just see a bunch of teen skids wanting to have some fun.

fadedbackground's picture

Nope it's actually me. Just ask other on here who have seen me venting for the past oh I don't know how many years under differnt names. The funny thing is you say it sounds like I'm someone who talks nonstop, when in reality I'm a shy person who doesn't say much at all and gets it all out here. H knows how much I dislike her but seems to never remember that and is always trying to get hr and I to "bond" so I can't talk to him about how angry I am. I complain endlessly to my mom and sister about her and they totally understand me because they met her back when we flew out to get married. She was 12 at the time but both of them kept telling me "I don't know how you manage with her becasue I couldn't. She is unfriendly and has no idea what is going on".