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Update on zero contact between DH and SD 22

fadedbackground's picture

So from my previous posts you know that SD had a screaming fit before we were to go on vacation with her back in December and left in the middle of the night swearing that she never liked H and he's not her father and to never contact her again. Even though about 2 hours prior everything was hunky dory and she said that her and her boyfriend were going to come up for H's birthday the following month. Mood shift anyone?? She left a bunch of stuff and BM texted me twice to send it back and she'd pay for shipping but H told me to ignore it, which I did because why is she contacting me and not him? I have nothing to do with it. And actually, why isn't SD the one contacting H for her stuff? Why does BM always step in and take care of poor SD. I think BM is on speed dial for SD because she immediately gets on the phone with her anytime anything goes sideways

So it's been 5 months and zero contact between them and I'm happy as a clam not having to worry about her coming up, how long she's going to stay, who she's going to bring with her, and most of all, I don't have to worry abotu her moving here which H has been trying to get her to do for years. 

So many times H has said to me that I need to give her a chance and spend time with her and she's had it hard with her mom having so many boyfriends and moving her around and how if I gave her a chance we might bond. It was always my fault. Ok, I've had zero desire to bond with her. We are nothing alike and all she wants to do is sit in a dark room and play video games and smoke pot. She has never wanted to be outside doing things or being active. It was always going to the mall, and sitting on the couch watching tv every time she was here. 

Then last night he brings up SD again and says how she's messed up and she was never nice to me and how she hasn't been any fun to be around since she was about 7, which was about the time I came into the picture. Okay, she was never not nice to me. She was decent and we got along ok but I hated having her here. She did nothing and looked like a slob on the couch with shades pulled, blankets all around her video gaming. I lost my mind when she was here and the living room looked like a war zone.

I just don't understand H's about face from how I needed to spend time with her and what a good kid she was to now him saying that she's messed up and not fun and not nice. Just like how I said to him when we went down to their place last summer and the apartment was a shithole with crap all over. The bathroom had about 20 used toilet paper rolls all over the bathroom floor along with makeup and just general crap all over the floor. The kitchen had dirty dishes piled high and the counters were overflowing with stuff. I felt like I needed a shower to wash off the filth of being in that apartment for 10 minutes!  When we left I told him how awful that place was and he goes rather defensively "They're 20 somethings, that's how they live. She's a good kid". He made me feel bad for saying their place was a shithole. No, 20 somethings do NOT live like that! See they were getting along at that time so me saying anything bad about her didn't fly and I need to be compassionate. Yet fast forward a few months to her meltdown and then he started saying to me what a shithole they live in and how she has issues and isn't nice. When she acts out then he thinks all the things that I told him, but when things are good, then I'm in the wrong.

What gives???

Winterglow's picture

Sounds like a trap to me. Beware of saying anything that could be used against you... 

Harry's picture

Feel sorry for her, But never let her into your home again.   zero contact total disengagement 

ndc's picture

Don't worry - when DH and SD make up, he'll deny ever having said those negative things about her, and he won't understand why you won't work harder on a relationship with her.

fadedbackground's picture

He said last night "Well I wish her luck" basically wrtiing her off because he doesn't know how to deal with her. Funny how it's easy for him to just decide he isn't going to contact her and she needs to get her life in order and contact him when she's ready. Yet he was always on me about how I had to try with her and spend time with her and take her to the mall for "girl time".

Oh and one time about 5 years ago he told me that his ex girlfriend (who I've never met but he was friends with on Facebook and brought up her name at least twice a month with "Oh she and I used to go to this restaurant" or "She and I used to go to this bar." Why the hell do you need to tell me that?! ) had such style and maybe he'd ask her to take SD out clothes shopping one day, which of course never happened. Where does THAT come from.??!! "Oh yeah I'm just going to see if my ex girlfriend who I haven't seen in 10 years wants to take my 17 year old daughter, who she hasn't seen in 10 years, clothes shopping for the day becasue she has such fashion sense". Totally bypassing me basically saying my fashion sense sucks. Not that I want to take SD anywhere but why woudl you bring your ex girlfriend into the picture??

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Bringing up the ex girlfriend was some kind of triangulation tactic, and really crappy. Like, if you won't take SD to the mall i'll call up my long-lost ex to do it. First of all, why don't her parents take jer clothes shopping? Second of all, if he really hadn't talked to this ex in 10 years, if he called out of the blue and asked her to take his daughter shopping she would likely think he was nuts. Third of all....your DH sounds like a total jerk. 

fadedbackground's picture

He has no idea what BM does with SD, but you know every time SD came up for a weekend visit he had to go and buy her something. He thought she's have more fun shopping with a girl and apparently thought the ex would be fun. Well he never did call her, just like all the other things he says he's going to do and doesn't, and we hashed it out a couple of years ago about how I was so tired of hearing her name brought up again and again and asked how he'd like it if I brought up out of the blue "Oh yeah, my ex bf and I used to go to this one restaurant". Whay does an ex need to be brought into some random comment? How about "I used to go to this restaurant" not "My ex and I used to go there". Now I never hear her name at all and they are no longer Facebook friends.

still learning's picture

He's likely bringing up the exgf first off because he's an @ss, second because he wants you to say, "No don't call her, I'll do it." He wants you reach out to SD, reel her in take her shopping and magically heal the relationship between her and DH.  Don't fall into the little trap he's setting.  If DH said something like this to me I'd say, "Great, call exgf. Actually lets call her together." Imagine the horror of the exgf getting a call from DH to take the little darling who she hasn't seen in 10 years shopping.  That's not awkward at all LOL.  

JRI's picture

I hope i'm wrong, but i doubt if he is writing her off for good.  Just let some time pass, let those memories grow fuzzy......  i'm the veteran SM of the 58- year old SD we are now helping support.  She was fine for years but when the chips were down, "Daaad!"  And guess who went riding to the rescue.....  I feel for you.  Rest up now while you can.

fadedbackground's picture

Well if anythign ever happens to BM you can be sure she'll be getting all nicey nice with H so she can mooch off of him!

fadedbackground's picture

As much as I'm so glad she's not in our lives anymore, I REALLY want to know how she's handing everything. You know, are she and the bf still together, did she really finally start esthetician school like she told us so many times, is she doing anything with her life besides smoking pot,playing video games and working at a convenience store? Wish I could be a fly on the wall at her place!

JRI's picture

Don't worry, you'll hear eventually, or a version of it, anyway.  Lol.

lieutenant_dad's picture

My response would be some version of this:

"DH, stop talking about SD to me. In the 15 years we've been together, I've endured neverending cycles from you about how awesome she is and how awful I am for not embracing her. Do you realize how awful you made me feel, and how angry I feel now that you've come to the same conclusion I did, and instead of apologies, you continue to make the same veiled high-and-mighty statements? Just stop talking about her to me. If you need to talk out your feelings about her, then find a friend or therapist. I've been dragged through the mud by YOU on this topic, and I'm not about to get dragged through it again because your feelings have shifted. And no, this isn't a topic that we're going to discuss because I have spent 15 years working through the feelings you bestowed upon me, and you are the last person who can help me work through them. So leave your thoughts and feelings about SD out of my life."

It'll hurt him to hear it, but your DH needs to know that his bipolar feelings about SD come at a cost to those around him, particularly those that he expected to behave like him and that he "punished" when they didn't. 

Rags's picture

DH's current behavior and historical perspective on SD Vs his current perspective on her as well as his refloating his XGF in conversation just does not pass the smell test and is extremely suspect.

Be very, very careful and cognizant of the risks his current behaviors represent.

Take care of you.

SubstituteMommy's picture

OMG! I could have written so many things in your post. My SO does the exact same thing! When SD9 is misbehaving and driving him nuts, he acts like he's completely appalled by her behavior and worried about her future. When she's being good, he acts like she's the best thing since sliced bread! I literally just told him today that he's so inconsistent. I consistently think that SD is a troublesome child, even when she's pretending to be an angel. He switches back and forth constantly. It's ridiculous how quickly he forgets the bad thing that she did yesterday because she's acting sweet and kissing his butt today. It's bonkers!

fadedbackground's picture

And when he starts seeing her in a bad light it always circles back to "BM never wanted me to spend time with her. If she had let me have time with her, let her live with me for a while rather than trying to alienate me, she'd be a totally different person". Then why was it every time you'd have her come over for a weekend you'd have to pull an 8 hour shift on Saturday and we'd have to hang out, or begged and begged for her to come to the racetrack for one of your race weekends and when she finally did it was just me and her sitting there bored out of our minds while you went from put to pit to talk to your buddies. Let's not forget when we got a motel room for one of those weekends and you told us that we could go back to the room and hangout because we were bored, but you were going to spend the night at the track hanging out with your buddies. She is here because you wanted to spend time with her and now you want her to hang with me because you're busy with your buddies and I could scream! She'd come over for a weekend and you'd have to spend the afternoon working on your bike or taking a 3 hour nap or anything but spend more than 10 minute chunks with her leaving her with me and telling me that I can go off and do something because she can entertain herself. Why the hell is she here if you won't hang out with her?? When he does spend a decent amount of time with her he then tells me how he just can't spend much time talking to her because she talks about nothing and doesn't know what she's talking about.

He's had PLENTY of opportunities to have some quality time with her when she visited, but once she turned 18 it was more like come up and we'll party together. Nothing of importance was ever talked about except "How about that new video game"? "Let's go get sushi", "That anime show is good". He didn't want to disrupt them getting along. 

still learning's picture

It sounds like DH really had no idea how to relate to his daughter and used you to as the buffer for their awkward relationship.  Just tell him he's right, make him feel validated then change the subject.  In the future; not if, but when he and SD reconnect, sweetly turn the relationship completely over to him.  Maybe even send them off together somewhere so they can reconnect and bond.  Bottom line though is that he is 100% responsible for his relationship with his daughter and you can completely disengage from the whole thing.  

 

fadedbackground's picture

A couple of months before the trip H brought up SD again saying how she's had a rough life and she doesn't know what a stable home is. Starts going on abotu her coming up and takign this trip with us and goes "You just need to be nice to her". I say to him "I'm ALWAYS nice to her (because I am, I just don't like being around her, but of course I'll be cordial to her when I am). His response is "Yeah but you can tell it's not genuine"! WHAT??! You know I hate having her here and being around her,  you know I dislike kids in general, yet my being nice to her isn't good enough and I need to be super genuine! Guess what? That's not going to happen. You're lucky I hang out with her as much as I do when she's here.

Then does a total 180 after her meltdown saying that she was never nice to me and she's not fun and he has no idea what her problem is. Why the about face on her? I thought I needed to be super nice beause she's had a rough family life but now she's the one with the problem.

Rags's picture

This is one of those wins you need to take and quit sucking the bliss out of.

Claim the win and bask in it while it lasts.

fadedbackground's picture

Oh man! I had such a vivid dream last night that H and SD had made up and she was moving up to live with us! I woke up so upset and then realized it was just a dream. Thank god!