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Update on siblings not invited to wedding

MrsZipper's picture

Update:

It has been confirmed - not invited.

After all the invitation comments I looked at the inside envelope. DDs names were not listed, just our names. I also noticed that the invitation said black tie, not black tie optional like I thought it said, so the formalities are being observed. I explained this to DH and said he should not call but he said what's the harm in double checking. He called on his cell and his phone is so loud I could hear SD, but I was not part of the conversation.

He did a good job being casual about it. SD confirmed it was just for the two of us, said how hard the guest list has been to figure out, she and fiancee are trying to stick to their budget so they are having a small wedding, only 130 people, etcetera etcetera. She told DH about people he knew that were coming and said, maybe in explanation of why DDs were not invited, that Aunt C and Uncle H were invited (long time family friends on BM's side, DH filled me in later) but not R and S (their 2 adult kids), and she basically grew up with R and S. DH said ok, just wanted to be sure. Then SD said, "Wait, did MrsZipper want DDs to be invited? Is this going to cause problems for you? I'm sorry! But you know how it is, we're just not that close with them." And DH said no no no, it's ok he was just checking because he wasn't sure. And then SD said "Ok phew, because they aren't on the list for SS's wedding either and we were were going back and forth about it, but I'm glad we're good."

So there you have it.

WalkOnBy's picture

This, this, a thousand times this!!! The bride and groom are the ones who decide who they want at their wedding!!! I had the opposite problem....

When my DD25 got married, I didn't want her to invite the skids - lol! I mean, she never lived with them, she was already in college when DH and I met, let alone when we got married. She invited them anyway, much to my dismay, and ultimately to her dismay as well.

ASS sat there like a bump on a log - all sour and ASS-like. BabyVoice complained about the food, complained that there was no one she knew there, and threw a fit after dessert because she wanted to go home. DH took all three home fairly early in the night.

I would much rather have had three more of my friends there instead of my skids - lol!!

MrsZipper's picture

She didn't say if there were other kids or not. There are the kids going who are with the bridal party, but I'm not sure who else.

WalkOnBy's picture

what if there was no relationship between the bride/groom and the skids?

Why should a bride/groom be forced to have people who are essentially strangers at their wedding??

My kids aren't invited when I go to weddings, and I don't protest by not going.... :? :? :?

Hell, my best friend, her husband and her youngest child (16) were invited to my daughter's wedding. Her two older children (20 and 22) were not... she didn't ask me why, nobody made a big deal....she didn't protest by not showing up...

hereiam's picture

I feel bad for your daughters.

Yes, technically, your step kids can invite who they want to their weddings but on the human side, I think it's crappy not to invite their siblings. They may not have grown up together but if they recognize their birthdays and go to their events, there is some relationship there.

At the very least, I find it kind of odd that your step daughter had not mentioned to her father, previously, that the girls would not be invited. Had you known, you could have at least kept them from following the wedding on-line and let them down easy, before they got all excited about it.

People will say, "Well, BM and SF are paying for it," and that may be true, but SD saying that they had "gone back and forth about it," says that they could have been included but were deliberately not. I think that says a lot.

MrsZipper's picture

I think we are going to respect it. DH is going either way. There's no question about that. That's his daughter. And I think I will also go because I'm realizing that they have been outwardly kind to me and DDs because it makes DH happy that we get along. They may not feel close to us but DH is happiest when we are all together and I don't want to make a stink and jeopardize that.

I don't know what to say to the DDs. I will probably tell them it's an adults only wedding, send them for a fun week with their cousins and then show them selected pictures when they get back. And change DH's facebook password.

robin333's picture

I'm with Tommar and Fruit. I feel sorry for your DD'S.

I would not attend either wedding. After all, they aren't close to your DD'S so they aren't close to you. That and well, if I feel hurt and resentment for my kid- I got no reason to have you in my life. Not saying this applies to your DH.

notarelative's picture

... did MrsZipper want DDs invited

It's too bad that DH, like the majority of us who think of things later that we should have said, didn't say that I thought they'd be invited as both they and you are my children and you and they are siblings.

we're just not that close with them

And she's not that close with dad if she thinks this is an acceptable answer.

Teas83's picture

I agree with Tommar. The fact that they are half siblings and not just step siblings makes the relationship a little bit more important, in my opinion. I'd be hurt on behalf of my own kids if my SD didn't include them in something big like her wedding day. I'd be inclined to not attend the wedding myself if I were you.

twoviewpoints's picture

So it isn't meant as a slight to the younger siblings, just a limited guest list and more formal aka adult wedding. Nothing wrong with that.

IMO, SD should have mentioned her guest list struggle and intentions a while back so it was upfront and not come as a surprise. But DH handled the call well. Hopefully her explanation can be accepted as it was meant... as no offense to the younger children and no blatant bold statement against the 'second' family.

An adult wedding with limited guest list should be easy enough for the kids to understand and accept.

notarelative's picture

I'd agree it was a budget thing if the bride hadn't said that we're not that close to them.

MollyBrown's picture

I think since it's a black tie wedding it's fine not inviting them. I do think I would have been nice to give a heads up, though. I also cast a stink eye at a person who wants more people invited and doesn't offer to pay.

MollyBrown's picture

In the first post, the OP said the stepdaughter is nice to her half sisters and recognizes them on birthdays and holidays. I feel somewhat bad for her for being judged for having the wedding she wanted.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

Why is it OK for a SM not to invite her SK (and the dad go along with it), but it's not ok for a SD not to invite her half siblings (and dad go along with it)? If it's OK for one adult woman to decided who can attend her wedding, it has to be OK for other adult women to make the same choice.

I think what the OP's SKs are doing is down right mean. I also think it's mean when SMs do this to their SKs.

Disneyfan's picture

I've seen blogs about both.

Regardless of how the kids MIGHT behave, if their father wants theme to attend his wedding, then banning them is just as wrong as the move this SD pulled.

Excluding children from family events hurts the kids and the parents. It doesn't matter if those kids are stepkids or half siblings.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think it's significant that BOTH skids have decided not to have their half siblings at their weddings.

WalkOnBy's picture

me, too. To me, it indicated that there just isn't a close relationship between the kids and the younger half siblings. It also says that both kids want a kid-free wedding. It could also be a space issue, as in the venue will only hold XXX amount of people.

I don't read it as purposely excluding them to be mean, or rude or whatever.

I am still just gobsmacked that people think it's okay to tell a bride or groom who they should invite or not invite.

MollyBrown's picture

Most black tie affairs are much more then $30 a person. Heck, a Chipolte home buffet is $12.50 a person. Lol.

notsobad's picture

"catering here could be as low as $12 per person and some of the priciest we have seen here was around $30 per person"

Wow, where do you live?

Weddings here average$150 per plate. Unless you rent the hall and the caterer separately and then decorate and clean up yourself. Still, nowhere near $30 per person.

We did the inlaws 50th 2 years ago and the small buffet was $45 per person at a golf course that DH is a member at, so we got a discount. It only held 50 people and if we'd had to use the larger room that held 150 people we would have had to pay extra for the room, so the cost per person would go up.

furkidsforme's picture

Meh... I have three half siblings. 2 sisters who are 10 and 11 years older. One younger brother who is 28 years younger.

Honestly... I do not consider ANY of them my siblings. I can't stand my sisters and wouldn't p*ss on them if they were on fire. I am not close at all to my little brother, and see him more as some kind of nephew or more distant relative.

That said, all 3 were at my wedding. My sisters only because my mother would have refused to come if I had withheld their invites. I actually had to hire security to monitor their drinking and behavior. Both are horrible alcoholics who get nasty drunk and want to fight. One left before dinner when she realized she was going to be limited to one drink an hour, and the other actually behaved herself.

Teas83's picture

You're right. It'll look like the SM is being petty and vindictive by not attending the wedding. No one will find out the true story behind it though.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Tell the bride ...

... that you understand she is not inviting her half-siblings to her wedding because she doesn't think they are close. I would then tell her that that it should also be understood that if the day ever comes where the bride, or her future children, are in desperate need of an organ donation, well .... don't bother asking the half-siblings. Because they really aren't that close, are they? }:)

Kinder1's picture

Lots of experience as my DH has 3 kids and tomorrow is the 3 wedding in 5 years. Weddings are the EL Nino of step families. Alot of bad stuff and feelings surface. My DH had to speak up for me several times throughout all the planning, especially for the girls' weddings which he paid for and the BM tried controlling all over the place. Truth is, there is no right or wrong. It's about how people are valued. Exclusion is the holy grail of Skids--their real anger comes out when the have the opportunity to exclude. As a subtle example, we go to their homes and see NO pictures of us when it seems like they put up photos of the entire free world. Exclusion is their big weapon.They are creating their own version of what they want reality to be. It is not about number of guests or money--please! If you feel in your heart this is something you cannot swallow you will have to confront it either by asking DH to get them invited or maybe not go. If you can go and blow it off, good luck with that. Bottom line, do it on your terms because NO ONE will live with it but you!

Sweet T's picture

I am just sitting here being thankful that my stepsons view my BS as their brother and nothing less...even though he is their 1/2 brother.

I feel bad for the OP's kids and wish it had been just a adult's only deal.

What were your husband's feelings on this?

notarelative's picture

I think that so far you only know that DDs are not invited to SD's wedding. You only have SD's word that SS's wedding will be the same.

SD says they talked about it and agreed. SD may have talked, but that doesn't mean that it was agreed. SD is not in charge of SS's wedding. SD might be saying this to justify her behavior.

2Tired4Drama's picture

This is a good point! Although it would not surprise me if SD whispered/shouted into her brother's ear, "I am not inviting them, they are not FAMILY, are YOU?!!!" He (or his bride) may just be going along with it to keep SD from inserting herself into his own wedding and creating drama.

stormabruin's picture

This is where the "it never hurts to ask" hurts.

This is why the simple courtesy of going with the invite AS IT'S PRESENTED is appropriate. Why is it a big deal that children aren't invited to a wedding? Weddings are not to children what they are to adults.

"It never hurts to ask" DOES hurt when the person rude enough to challenge what's on the invite has to be TOLD...again that indeed the people on the invite are invited & the children are not. Now they have to hear it said that their precious children are indeed excluded from the invitation.

"It never hurts to ask" also hurts the person unfortunate enough to receive the rude inquiry, as it creates an uncomfortable & embarrassing situation. It puts the person kind enough to include you in their celebration on the spot & creates an obligation for the couple to explain in more detail who they invited & to justify WHY they invited those they did & not others.

Whether or not other kids are invited makes no difference & it's nobody's business to ask. Maybe there are other kids they have great relationships with. People aren't obligated to justify their guest list to anyone.

If you aren't hosting the event, graciously accept the invited as presented or decline. That's it.

stormabruin's picture

Unless OP & DH have been building this up with their children, my guess is that OP & DH are going to be more hurt over it than anyone.

If they HAVE been building it up, it's their own fault if their kids are hurt by it. It's not their place to assume that children would be invited to someone else's wedding. Obviously there is not a closeness between SD & the 1/2 siblings or SD would've been discussing this with them.

SD has no obligation to call anyone to announce who is & is not invited to her wedding. That business was covered when she sent the invitation to "DH & OP". They just failed to accept it that way.

stormabruin's picture

Dup

Stepped in what momma's picture

Do your kids even care they aren't being invited or is it just you that cares? If they do care and have had their feelings hurt then to me this is a perfect time to teach your kids that even family can be as*holes sometimes and that just because you are related doesn't mean you are always going to be treated the way that you want.

Kinder1's picture

SDs and SS may have closed ranks and agreed to do the same thing. This has happened to me as a SM of 3 Skids. However, this is only speculation. It boggles my mind that your DH will allow his own 2 kids to be excluded from the wedding. Trust me when I tell you this will bother you for years to come if you don't take a stand by either getting it cleared up with an invitation or not going. If you ask for an invitation for your children and it is flatly denied be ready to stay home. The bride deserves this starvation and let her guests see what she did --a horrible exclusion. I am not usually this pushy with advice but I lived through this kind of behavior and the only way to deal with it is to stand up for what you believe. The bride is entitled to do as she pleases but you and your children also have the right to be respected.

Disneyfan's picture

Do you think fathers who are about to remarry should take the same stand if their brides refuse to allow their kids to attend the wedding?

notsobad's picture

Lots of women do that!!

I've read many accounts on here where soon to be stepmoms don't want the skids to ruin the ceremony or don't want them to tell BM and so the skids don't even know that Dad and SM are married till after the deed is done.

It happens all the time and most people encourage the SM, saying you should get the wedding you want. Your day shouldn't be ruined by his kids. You are entitled to have a day without skid drama, on and on and on.

notasm3's picture

All of this bickering here about whether the bride is "right or wrong" is meaningless. The SD and SS have no connection with their younger sibs and obviously do not give a shit about them. You can wish they did, but they don't. No one likes to see their children hurt, but they are going to find out in life that not everyone likes them.

OP - just face the facts. Your children are meaningless to the skids. Doesn't matter whether they "should" care about them. It just is. You can't change it.

It often works both ways with children from two marriages. Lots of "second family" children have zero desire to have anything to do with the older siblings from a first marriage - especially when they end up making totally different life choices.

OP - it's totally YOUR choice whether or not you have anything to do with these skids. I wouldn't - but that doesn't matter - you get to make your decision yourself. You certainly do NOT have to include them in your family events. I think the skids have made it clear that's what they want.

As for including them in your home, etc. - NEITHER PARTNER gets to dictate that the other partner has to put up with an adult they don't want in their home. It takes TWO yes votes to proceed with an action like that.

I do not want my SS in my home. My DH has absolutely no right to insist that I allow him here. My DH cannot stand my best friend of 50+ years. I have no right to demand that she be allowed here. We both have veto power. But 99% of the time it doesn't take a veto because my DH and I both respect each other and do not want each other to have to put up with a person they don't want to be around.

I think the concept "It's his home too. He can invite anyone over or to stay that he wants" is just complete and utter bullshit. I own my home 100% (not even a mortgage), and it is not community property. But even with all of that I have NO RIGHT to dictate that I can do anything I want here and ignore my DH's desires and welfare. I wouldn't even try that crap with a roommate much less a spouse and life partner.

still learning's picture

In the same situation I couldn't attend SD or SS's weddings after they said they didn't invite the DD's because, "they're not that close." I've learned to take a hint; it's taken several decades but when someone tells me they don't want a relationship I believe them. My own older half brother (same father) did not invite me or my other half sister to his wedding, I was 20 at the time and thought we had developed a good relationship...apparently not. It was hurtful to be excluded yet I still tried for years to be a sister to him but continually got snubbed. What a waste of time and all the love and gifts I gave him. Hard lesson learned.

I'd send DH but could not be supportive of SD or SS who thought so little of their relationship with their half siblings. It's nice to know that you won't need to worry about inviting them to anything DD related in the future.

Good riddance.

kaehbee's picture

I'm sorry but sharing dna does not make a relationship. The sd can invite whoever she wants to her wedding.

notasm3's picture

And you and your children can also exclude the SD and SS from your lives. That's not a tit for tat thing - it's just an acknowledgement of reality.

You have no obligation to include the steps in their siblings birthdays, graduations, wedding, etc. And they probably won't even notice much less give a damn.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think this is the problem a lot of people who do a formal wedding run into: Who to invite? Especially on a limited budget.

My cousins weren't invited to my wedding because there was not enough space but my aunts and uncles were. We grew up together. I didn't do the wedding list, my mom did because she was paying for it. Basically all children of family (grown or otherwise) were not invited--and there was no problem. My parents looked at the wedding as just having representatives from each family. No one had any hard feelings, everyone understood it was representation.

DH's mom paid for a small banquet for their side, which was just both our immediate family and the best man and his wife (this was after the courthouse.) None of DH's other family were invited and no hard feeling there either.

One of my friends is running into the same issue, her guest list is capped at 100, her fiance wants ALL of his family to be there, which is 80 people. He's not even close to most of them. She's trying to have him cut his portion down to just those he's actually close with, because now none of their friends could make the invite list. I even asked my friend if I should have DH stay home because I know the guest list is tight and they're not close, we would not be offended at all--she said bring him. But I do sympathize with having to cut people out.

If the SD's and SSs didn't invite the STEPPARENT, then it's a problem. But they do want the stepmom there and I think that's appropriate.

MollyBrown's picture

First up, asking to pay for his kids meals is straight up rude. Second, OP mentioned that all the bride wants as a wedding gift was to have her dad walk her down the aisle with her mom as per the tradition of their religion.

No one knows if the kids in the wedding are staying for the reception. Not everything is done with other motives. The bride just might want a child free wedding. Most black tie affairs are.

Besides, we have no unbiased clue how OPs daughters really behave. From everything else, the SD is kind to her half sisters.

Disneyfan's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: at number 2

Can you imagine the uproar here if a bio dad paid for a wedding, then the SD asked her ST to walk her down the aisle????

Not inviting the OP'said kids to the wedding is mean. Having the OP's husband walk her down the aisle at a wedding that her SF is helping to pay for is just disgusting

MrsZipper's picture

SD's exact words were "it's ok, mom has it covered" but just like both DH and my money went to pay for SD's masters, if BM and SF have joint funds some of his money is paying for the wedding. But it's true I don't know for sure.

MrsZipper's picture

I thought it was good. We have them over for holidays, and for dinner sometimes. If DH is on the phone and says, say hi to DDs they have a good 10 minute conversation, they are not rushing to get off the phone. DDs get presents and cards for birthdays and holidays. SD31 and SD29 came to their dance recital last month and out to dinner afterwards and we had a great time. They are all nice to us. But if SD is confident enough to openly tell DH that they are not close with DDs and "he knows how it is" it is probably a superficial nice for DH'S benefit or because DH is asking them.

WalkOnBy's picture

Did the younger kids grow up with the bride?

My kids have much younger half siblings. My daughter was in high school when the first one was born and in college when the last one was born. She doesn't really have a close relationship with them because of circumstances - she was an adult for most of their childhood. She has a totally different relationship with them than she does with Thing1 and Thing2.

I wonder if that's what's going on here??

notasm3's picture

OP - Do you want to go to the wedding? Are there people you'd like to see? Would you be able to have a good time and enjoy yourself? If so - go and have fun.

If not - you have no obligation to attend. The bride won't give a sh*t whether you are there or not.

The bride doesn't have to invite anyone, but on the other hand no one has to accept an invitation either. An invitation is not a command performance. No one has to attend. I've turned down many a wedding invite. Just be sure to RSVP in a timely manner.

notsobad's picture

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone would just elope? Just the 2 of them run off to an Island somewhere and come back married!

I told SD that if she meets someone that's what she should do. She readily agreed, said it would save everyone money, time and hurt feelings. Then in her next breath she said but Mom would kill me if I did that, I think I'll just stay single!

She just left for Europe and we've been teasing her that she'll meet the love of her life over there. DH said you can get married over there, but you have to bring him back here to live!

FieryEscape's picture

Sounds like they just want to invite those who will give them the best return on their investment and excluding family over the potential for more gifts.

Not inviting half sisters is really crappy and I hope your DH isn't contributing anything extra to the wedding.

Once that battle line is drawn.....it's hard to erase it. So much damage done.

FieryEscape's picture

I think typically when SMs want to exclude skids from their weddings is to eliminate a source of drama and the possibility of the wedding being ruined. So many skids posted about are nightmares ...no matter the age. I don't see why any SM would exclude the skids if they got along and had a good relationship.

My exDH and I eloped so that BM couldn't cause any BS with her PAS and I was happy because then I didn't have to worry about exSD trying to being the center of attention by doing who knows what ( some huge cry baby tantrum or something like that ).

Disneyfan's picture

The fear of drama doesn't change the hurt those SKs and fathers may feel when they learn that SM wants to exclude them.

I have asked for years on these exclusion blogs (keeping SKs from weddings, keeping SKs from visiting new siblings in the hospital...) what happens when adult SKs decide to exclude SM and/ or her bios from their events. It doesn't matter which side of the fence you're on or what excuse someone comes up with, those choices hurt.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Priorities is actually the key word in this situation, IMO.

Bride has no problem including two of BM's long-time friends but not her own half-sisters. Evidently BM's friends were firmly carved on the invite list. There's a priority.

Bride also gives an excuse to her father that she and her brother spent much time going "back and forth" over whether to invite their own half-sisters. Bride chose to discuss this matter at length with her brother, but not her dad. Another priority demonstrated.

Despite acting as though she likes her younger half-siblings (going to recitals, going out to dinner together, conversing with them on the phone, etc.) bride then tells dad he should know how it really is - that she isn't all that close to them. Priority her is to demonstrate untruthful and false behavior.

Bride asks, as if it were an afterthought, if excluding her half-sibs will bother their mother? And will it bother their father.

My opinion is that this whole scenario is probably being driven by BM. She wants to be the queen bee at her daughter's wedding. BM no doubt wants to show off her status while BM sits on the sidelines and will get a vicarious thrill in that, and to dig the knife in deeper, she's encouraged the bride to exclude those "other" kids. The ultimate priority of all kids = their BM.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Exactly! Interesting how people's interest in their relationships status changes when there is something in it for them, huh?

Buggy2's picture

I'm a COD. When I became an adult, who could sustain my on life style. I began to implement my own set rules that my parents needed to start living by particularly my BM. From the ages 6 to 21, I had to play by my parents rules, I had no choice in their divorce, new children that polluted my life or new marriages. I just went with, My dad and mom (SM), always had to remind to be cordial to my BM and her family.

Maybe your step - children are trying to say to your DH, I want you be part of my life but not your family. I would have been nice if this discussion happened before the wedding invitations went out.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

This exact scenario happened to me when my OSD got married 15 years ago and I am still upset that she was so insensitive and rude to exclude her half -brother. She invited 4 or 5 other young kids (cousins) but purposely left out DH and my bio-son.

I called her myself to question the reason and what was going on. I had an OK relationship with her back then (or so I thought). I told her that it is not right to exclude her half brother and we are bringing him. I said he doesn't even need a meal - I will share mine - I don't eat much lol.

She had a special kids menu for her cousins but still excluded my BS from the meals. I thought she was a bitch and I think OP's steps are being nasty to exclude their half siblings. They are immediate family!! They should be included.

I left almost right after the meal too since I was not very happy being there after all.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Maybe I was rude - but I think she was rude by excluding her brother.

DH felt the same way I did and wanted me to call to clarify. Not sure what I said to her exactly since it was so long ago.

It was not a black tie affair - it was outdoors at a big park.

Edited to add: I think DH wanted me to call because he never want to confront SD about ANYTHING. That is part of the reason our step family is now a complete and utter failure. DH sits on the fence and won't address anything himself. Now I stay out of everything to do with SD's. 100% Disengaged now.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Escalated it? LOL that is laughable when SD has been excluding me and our son for years plus trying to drive a wedge between DH and I!

Stepaside is right, I called her on it. She wanted to play princess and be mean and I didn't let her get away with it - plus we did put a large chunk of $$$$ towards this wedding too.

twoviewpoints's picture

HRNYC, you've got 43 post out of 200. You seem to be more vested in this wedding and interrelationships in this family than the OP.

Are you, the bride's mother?