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Uh oh! DH is about to lose it.

MadHatter's picture

He's been on the phone with his DD for hours tonight. She's unloaded a whole boat load on DH. Let's see if I can remember it all:

1. She's gone over budget on the wedding by nearly twice what DH agreed to pay. She doesn't even know who, or how much, she still owes exactly. She still owes for half of the wedding venue, half for the flowers, and half for the catering and cake that she's sure of. She can't explain where the money went that DH gave her to pay these expenses in full. Her only explanation has been, "I don't know! I spent a $100 here and $300 there, and before I knew it, it was all gone, and I was afraid to tell you until now!" She expected him to give her the money to cover it, but he's refused. She said, "I might as well call this wedding off if you won't pay for it." DH agree that it might be best if she did.

2. In all the preparations for the wedding, she missed her gynecology appointment last month and has been without birth control for 2 weeks. She's bloated and emotional. I certainly hope she's not pregnant!

3. She gave away most of her furniture so that they wouldn't have to move it because they were supposed to have closed on their new house today, but the finance company is requiring some additional financial info before finalizing the loan, and she didn't want to move some of the old furniture into her new house. However, they have no house to move into, so she's moving back in with bio-mom and future son-in-law is moving in with his brother until the closing.

4. The future son-in-law called DH because some of the furniture that he brought to the household is what she gave away and he's about to lose his mind too.

Is that it? I feel like I'm missing something, but I'll update later if it comes to mind and is worth mentioning.

I feel so sorry for DH. His blood pressure is through the roof, and he feels like everyone is laying all the responsibility in his lap. I'm, of course, no help, but I did let him rant to me without offering any opinion or advice. I just nodded and shook my head a lot.

enuf's picture

Gee, she is certainly fishing for daddy to cover her expenses. What about her role of being an adult and taking care of herself like all us other adults have to do. I hope your dh sticks to his guns and not rescue her poor accounting skills and her need to have everything her way. Way to go, by not going to your dh rescue in dealing with his dd spoiled need to have everything at everyone's else's expense. Just stay mum and let them sort this through, this is what disengagement is all about. Maybe this will be the tipping point for your dh to let his dd take the next step to adulthood and let her handle her affairs or end up without a wedding. Even though my ds was a millionaire my wedding cake cost $20. That is what she may need to resort to if she wants to get married and that indeed would be a good learnng experience for her. Be strong and let be!

MadHatter's picture

She's completely irresponsible. DH has said many times that she's not ready to get married and that she's not doing it for any of the right reasons. It's always been about the party that she's designed and called a wedding and never about love for her.

DH has been really good about sticking to his guns ever since she yanked the carpet out of her apartment. I doubt he'll be paying for anything else, but if he does, that will be between him and her. I'm fully committed to remaining disengaged.

MadHatter's picture

Oh, yes, she did. That was the very first time I saw DH put his foot down. He was so mad because he'd been lied to about her keeping a dog in the apartment after he'd told her to get it out. I'll find the link to that thread so you can read about that while fiasco. SD can certainly make you wonder sometimes.

Here's the link:

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Why would the man call his fiancée's dad about his own furniture? Like, what is your DH supposed to do about it?

MadHatter's picture

He started calling DH about SD before they even got engaged because SD got crazy drunk and tried to claw his eyes out. DH had to run to the rescue at 2 or 3 AM. Now, I don't think there's more than a couple of days go by that he doesn't call DH to ask for help with something. This time was because DH knew one of the people that SD gave some of the furniture to, and he was hoping that DH would call and see if he could get it back.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Dude doesn't sound ready to be married. Especially to SD. She sounds like a holy terror.

SugarSpice's picture

is this karma at work? just asking.

hopefully dh will stick to his guns and not give her any more money.

MadHatter's picture

Karma gets a workout dealing with her on a regular basis. I have never known another individual who will ignore good advice and go off half-cocked like she does. The girl is stupid and a b*tch to boot.

ldvilen's picture

Finally, he's into accountability: She said, "I might as well call this wedding off if you won't pay for it." DH agreed that it might be best if she did.

Wonderful! Also re: this line: . . . "he feels like everyone is laying all the responsibility in his lap." Maybe you could find a way to chime in, "Now you know what being a SM feels like"? Responsibility without authority. Pops shelling out the nose for a wedding and having little to no say in it, is actually a pretty good analogy to get 'em to see what being a SP is like. Only, for him it is one event. For us, it is every day--paying through the nose in one way or the other and getting little to nothing in return.

MadHatter's picture

I would LOVE to be able to say something along those very lines. It's so hard to stay disengaged when you see the man you love suffering at the hands of someone who is clearly using him. I can't even imagine what I'm going to do to her when she causes him to have a heart attack or a stroke because of her theatrics.

sammigirl's picture

Maybe you need to step in and discuss with your DH, how this effecting his health, thus effecting your health, thus effecting your marriage.

You don't have to even mention SD nor future SIL by name; just use the "wedding", or "the continued phone calls", as the discussion.

Showing your DH support is a good thing, especially for his health. I have a similar situation with SD56; she brings so much stress to her Dad with gossip and drama. I shut it down in our home every time she starts that type of conversation. I change the subject, or just laugh and say "surely we have better things to talk about, we've heard it all before". It shuts down and of course she visits our home less and less.

lintini's picture

Everyone covered all the major topics of conversation...

But.... telling daddy you missed your obgyn appt and ran out of bc? YUCK. For the love of god how many times did your DH drop her as a baby? She's so irresponsible in all possible aspects of life.

MadHatter's picture

Oh, that's mild compared to some of the things poor DH has had to hear over the course of her lifetime. My favorite was when bio-mom asked him to do some work on her deck and SD was still living with her. She was 18 or 19 at the time. Next thing DH knows, here comes SD's adopted sister (she's 8 or 9 at the time) reading text messages off her sister's phone. The little girl says, "Mama, what's a vagina stretching machine?" DH and bio-mom got ahold of the phone, and figured out she was talking to a guy she'd been seeing for about a week and describing his sexual prowess! DH could barely tell me about it when he came home he was so embarrassed!

TinyDancer's picture

Has anyone started calling to see if you can get at least a partial refund? Before she does and keeps the money that is.

strugglingSM's picture

Hmmm, sounds like maybe she should call off her wedding.

Glad your DH held his ground and didn't just cover the extra.

BM's parents spent $60,000 (!) on her and DH's wedding (which was almost 20 years ago). For her second wedding, they had a potluck at her parents' house. I sort of hope it bothered BM (and also her parents) that they spent so much on her first wedding, that never should have happened, because I think she was already driving DH crazy, by the time they got married; and that, because of that, they spent almost nothing on her second wedding. My wedding to DH was nowhere near $60K, but it was not a potluck in someone's backyard.

MadHatter's picture

A backyard pot luck sounds like a perfect wedding to me. When SD gets married again (because we all know it's coming), I'll mention that in passing when she's ready for number 2! Thanks for the great idea!

MadHatter's picture

I'm guessing he's leaving it up to her since he's out shopping for a suit right this minute. It's his money so he can throw it up a wild hog's butt if he wants, but if it were mine, I'd be calling getting a list of everyone she has contracted and calling them. Again, that double edged sword of disengagement prevents me from getting involved.

Sometimes disengagement makes life so much easier. Other times, you have to chew your tongue off to keep your opinions to yourself.

enuf's picture

Madhatter good going in being firm with your disengagement stance. The wedding will be approaching soon and you can laugh in silence at the theatrics. In my case I had to swallow my tongue, digest it, and poop it out to make dh happy!

SugarSpice's picture

this is the best part. one of my skids was married and she is quite overweight. she wore a spagetti straps wedding gown and you could see the rolls of fats over the top of the dress. it was embarrassing.

then she laughed during the exchange of vows and you could tell the priest was getting annoyed with her. the poor groom was overwhelmed with emotion and his bride was laughing at a solemn occasion.

i wonder how long the marriage will last.

theoldredhen's picture

Yo, Sugar,

I recently attended the wedding of a dear friend's daughter. Despite being 30 pounds overweight, the young woman is attractive, with a lovely face and a personality to match. She wore a strapless gown with flesh bursting over the snugly fitting bodice, crying out for notice. I simply do not understand why this pretty girl could not have worn any number of gowns that would have complimented, rather than detracted, from her body type.

Where were the close relatives and friends whose opinion should have made the difference between a suitable, flattering dress (to grace photo albums for posterity), as opposed to an embarrassing display of adipose flesh? When the bride walked up the aisle in her unbecoming gown, one could almost sense the discomfort of the guests.

During the entire ceremony and reception, I and others almost flinched when the bride approached; her appearance was that awful. My DH, who almost never criticizes anyone or anything, was aghast. He stated, "Hon, why in the world did 'J' (bride's mom) agree to that dress?!" Sad.

SugarSpice's picture

lol, redhen!

my dh would never say any thing to his precious princess regarding her lack of taste.

he would say she is the most beautiful woman in the world. she is beautiful and perfect and groom should be happy to be her man.

it just so happens sd had a baby recently and is getting bigger by the day.

fairyo's picture

I laughed during the for richer for poorer vows because I knew it should have been for poorer and poorer.The marriage lasted twenty years. Silly me, I thought love was enough!

MadHatter's picture

Well, she's still making noises about calling the wedding off, and DH is still telling her that he thinks that's the best idea. Bio-mom says she can move back home for good. Her SF has taken to drinking and has spent the last 2 days finding excuses to stay away from home. Her little sister hates the idea of her coming home because she doesn't want to share her bedroom. Future son-in-law has his feelings hurt because he made arrangements for her to move into his brother's house with him, but SD doesn't feel comfortable there and thinks that he should be more respectful of her feelings, so they're fighting and giving yet another reason to call it off. Drama, drama, drama!

enuf's picture

She certainly like stirring the pot! That is what people like her like to do to feel important, they like drama makes them feel that they are alive.

stepmomfromhell's picture

What is a skid doing getting married???? You and dh are not required to give her a wedding at all. I would tell dh that she isn't a child between you and him, and that if she wants a wedding it's soully up to skid for her to earn the money she makes if she wants a wedding. It's not up to your dh to pay for it.

Get him to understand that his kid is barking up the wrong tree for a wedding.

MadHatter's picture

Oh, believe me, I am having absolutely nothing to do with financing her big day. We keep our finances separate just for occasions like this.

notasm3's picture

My first wedding was 50 years ago. My parents had no money. So I paid for everything. I didn't resent that at all. It was just a fact of life. I bought my dress, flowers and cake. The wedding was at a church with the reception in the basement with cake, punch, nuts, and mints. The groom was an ahole - but that had nothing to do with the money spent.

DH and I went to a small town where we walked up to a window to get married. No wait at all. I joked that I didn't know if we got married or just got a driver's license. No fuss - no muss. We both wore casual clothes and had no special flowers or attendants - but we are just as married as the people who spent $100,000 for a big ass wedding.

Acratopotes's picture

as long as DH keeps his word and do not give her 5 more cents for this wedding, I would simply sit back and laugh.... oh and if she loose all the money and do not get married, I will make sure with the next wedding there's no money..

Simply because parents might help with the first wedding, Dh did, not his fault she messed it up and no help with the next 5 weddings, she can pay for it herself

MadHatter's picture

He hasn't caved in yet. I hope he doesn't. He says that this is the only wedding he'll ever pay for. We'll see because I guarantee this is just the first of many.

sammigirl's picture

Your DH needs to cut the conversation short with any excuse he can come up with and stay away from it all.

Tell them he is broke, no more $$$$$.

MadHatter's picture

If he told her he was broke, that wouldn't be far from the truth. He's just about tapped all his liquid assets to help her out.

enuf's picture

That is so sad that he had to reveal his financial status to her. It is really none of her business. She should be adult enough to stand on her own to feet instead of having to have to confess her df financial status to her no matter how much he has. It must have been a blow to his ego to need to do that. My heart goes out to him.

enuf's picture

I just do not get how they see there offspring as being the most beautiful or most handsome. My ex would always comment on his ds muscular body. Seriously, ss is about 5'6" and weighs about 350lbs and not a hard spot on his body. He is also the type that always were sweatpants out or pants that are about 10" too long. T-shirts that ride up his belly so that you can see it. Many times I want to offer him my bra to wear as his breasts really sagged. Big pimples all over his face and dandruff so bad you think someone had made bread dough on his head. According to ex, his ds was a good catch for any woman. So gross!

MadHatter's picture

LOL...I have to say that SD is actually very pretty. She was the product of good genes in the "looks" department, but she struck on hard times when it came to the "brains" department. Bio-mom was, and still is, a knock out, and DH, when we met, was extremely muscular with rock hard pecs and six pack abs. Of course, he's older now, and has become quite domesticated since we've been together. I will still love him even if he starts looking like Orson Wells.

MadHatter's picture

She is STILL asking for money, and DH is still refusing. Well, she's not really ASKING for money anymore. She's actually shooting little hateful barbs toward hubby.

Tonight, she called. DH asks what she's been up to. Her reply, "I've been working my a** off trying to come up with $1000 since I can't ask my daddy for it!" DH said, "That's good, since I've paid all I'm going to." Her reply, "You're stressing me out! I don't want to talk about it with you!" DH says,"OK. Why'd you bring it up then?"

I think the royal wedding has opened DH's eyes!

MadHatter's picture

She is still begging for money, and DH is still saying NO! He said that if he gives her the money she'll never learn anything.
I told him, "If you give her the money now, all she's going to learn is that, if she begs long enough and throws a big enough fit, you'll eventually give in" I kinda feel like I shouldn't have said anything, but it was out of my big mouth before I could stop it. He is starting to see that he's nothing more than a source of income for her because he said that she didn't have anything else to say to him once she realized she wasn't getting her way.

enuf's picture

Tell him to look at what happened objectively that right now their relationship is based on the exchange of money from him to her. Explain to him would it be nice to have a relationship based on love? For that to happen he needs to stop giving her money and start treating her like a capable adult and only then can a relationship based solely on love start to evolve. True love is not depended on the exchange of money or anything else. That is a big clue as to whether the relationship is a healthy one based on mutual respect and caring for one another and not whether a person will shell out $$$.

MadHatter's picture

You are so right, enuf. He's really coming around all on his own. I wouldn't dare say anything else about it to him, though. First of all, I don't want him to get the impression that I care too much, and secondly, I want to remain as disengaged as possible. I shouldn't have said what I did this afternoon, but that was just a slip up. Plus, it's entirely possible that he could revert to "daddy with his head in the sand" again at any moment, and I don't want to be too disappointed or invested if that happens. Best to keep my distance.

Rags's picture

Hopefully the groom has balls enough to dump the toxic idiot bride. I would not wish anyone to have so suffer through a marriage with that waste of skin bride.

I applaud dad for not caving to the sobbing daughter.

IMHO of course.