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Twit Face to Face Encounter - I Need to Calm Down!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

So, Twit shows up yesterday morning unannounced. DH was out, but she came in anyway, which surprised me. Then the "fun" began.

She, while sitting in my living room, asked me, with pained voice, why I cut her out on Christmas eve, why I didn't have a gift for her. Imagine, the chuzpah! Looking directly at Twit, and keeping my voice calm I told her why....about how she treats me like trash, about how gift giving at Christmas should not be one-sided with me buying something nice and pricey and her going through box lots to find JUNK in return. That if I didn't rate high enough for her to actually go out and get me something nice, not yard sale, garage sale, auction carp, but something nice, well, then I would continue to give her nothing or give her the same type carp. In fact, I told Twit, I could give her the ashtray from last year right now.....that I was HIGHLY insulted by that and I'm certain she could get a dime for it at her bi-annual garage sales. I also went out to the garage and got the cheap wind chime and 4" resin plate and gave them to her telling her, thanks, but no thanks.

I was surprised that she even stayed on after that. Oh, she cried, tried the old, "but it's the thought that counts not the price" carp. To which I responded that, yes it is the thought that counts but outside of her, I had never had anyone think I was worthy only of carp like she gives out. There is no thought in it and IMO it is just done so that she can LOOK like she is giving. I told her even a 1 lb. box of good candy would be nice, but carp is just that, carp.

I went on, between her sobs that I was tired of her smart arse remarks and how, after 2 years here they couldn't even bother to treat us to a dinner out but had no problem taking from us on dinners, shows, etc. That there was no excuse, they were not poor and she always brags about what nice things she use to buy her husband's mother for Christmas etc.

Must admit, about that time I was stunned that she didn't dash for the door calling me every evil name she could think of, but she didn't. She cried loudly about how I was being mean and didn't Understand. What was there to understand, I asked, I had long been good to her, treated her as my own daughter and she carped on me. I was through, done, had had enough.

Now, I didn't scream, get real nasty in voice, just calmly (and that too surprised the begesus out of me that I was so calm talking to Twit) and told her the facts as they were.

She left, not bothering to continue to wait for DH. But I am surprised she even showed up to begin with and even more that she had the audacity to bring up my not giving her a gift on Christmas eve.

There is a lot more than happened, but I am still sifting it through my mind and, am quite shaken up.

Wonder if DH is gonna hear about this in a twisted way.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I guess there just comes a time when opportunity knocked on this and I took it. I kept mentally reminding myself not to get real nasty, etc, to to let her know that I did not approve of how she treated me, that I deserved better, and I would not tolerate it any longer.

I also didn't do it as YOU do this, but more of like: "when you invite us over for Christmas Dinner, then serve frozen pizza and push us out of the house in a little over an hours, it shows disrespect for not only me, but your father as well and that he was hurt by that."

I tried, who the heck knows what is gonna happen next.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

She sure is. And when she tried the ole "it's the thought that counts" etc. I pointed out that I saw very little thought there at all. That no one I know who thought anything of me would even dream of giving that kind of stuff (I was being polite) or to any one as a Christmas gift! Twit: sob, sob, boo hoo hoo, You don't understand.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Forest - You hit it exactly. I mean what kind of gift is an ashtray especially to a nonsmoker? She generally gets this carp out of auction box lots. I know where it comes from because I have been at some of the same auctoins and have seen the stuff that goes for under $1.00.

When you care about someone you at least try to find something nice, that the person would like or could use, not just some carp just so you can wrap something in a box with fancy paper to make it look like you care. And I can honestly say she spends more on the paper and ribbon than on what's inside. But then she buys the paper to wrap her kids presents in it as well so....

And yes, I do believe I am dealing with something, well, scary. What I have seen her do and brag about in things, nasty things, she has done to other people concerns me. I even had Twit do something real mean, spreading rumors about my daughter here in town that were not true. You can bet you I confronted her about those and let her know, in uncertain terms, I wanted it STOPPED. I actually scared her, which is good, but she won't forget and you can bet will come after me as usual.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh, when she came in, I was just going to let her sit and wait for DH, and go about my life and projects, but she brought it up with teary eyes and a hurt voice.

I also told Twit about trying to sucker us in with the stuff she sells, that DH thought she was telling him she was going to let him get something, and then getting pizzed and telling him it was HER business. I let her know that I know that she gets about 31%+ on items and not once, not once has she ever offered us any kind of discount etc...the family discount she always talks about to get you to order and then, for whatever reason, can't afford to do so.

I thanked her for the pizza Christmas dinner, and did add that it was the first time I had ever had family invite me over for pizza at noon on Christmas day and then pretty much throw us out of the house. Though I didn't get mean or nasty, she got the message on that.

I also told her that it seems the only time we ever hear from her is when she needs something from us, to dog sit, to pick something up for her, etc. That family is a two-way street IMO.

And yes, she tried to make "me understand", but it was always the same cries about how I don't understand, I treat her terrible, I demand a lot, etc. Bull shite is all I can say.

I'm not sure just what she was looking for from me. Perhaps she realizes the gravy train is over and regrets the nice things I use to do. If so, too bad. I heard nothing about being sorry for the way she treated either me or her father.

Hope this makes some sense as I am shaking even as I write it. As I said, I didn't yell, scream, get mean, just stated calmly and factually what I thought and why. Boy, THAT was real hard to do.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

lynn - You have a point there. In the past DH would try to console her that she shouldn't feel bad, etc., etc. and, I sadly must say that in the past, I was drawn into that by DH in order to try to keep piece, so he could have a realatioship with Twit, etc.

No more, I'm done.

In fact, I told her that I wouldn't allow other people to treat me like she does so why does she think I should allow her to do so? No answer on that from Twit, surprise surprise. I pointed out to Twit how she was evidently feeling bad because I gave her nothing, but that is what she was doing to us for YEARS. I asked her how it felt to be treated the same way, but got no answer. Figured I might as well point out consequences of her actions and behavior.

Quite frankly, I was shocked she even stuck around as long as she did as she was getting no sympathy or apology from me for Christmas Eve.

Needless to say, I was drained emotionally, but I had my say. She knows where I stand and why.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Whimsey. Yes, this is quite a development and one I did not expect. YES, she will run to daddy, but only after she ruminates on things to see how she can turn it around.

I told DH she was here and that we had a discussion. He asked me if it got into a shouting match and I said no, it did not, at least on my part. That I was extremely upset by her showing up and after I calmed down would talk to him about what transpired.

I did request that he not entertain any calls or discussions with Twit until I told him what transpired. He noted that though I was shaking, I was not as upset, ranting or angry about things as I use to be before I disengaged (last Christmas is the term he used when Twit's shite hit the fan with me).

MsJen's picture

Seriously, what is it with these Skids? I disenagaged about 3 years ago after bending myself backwards trying to do everything for my three nightmares. Similar to everyone else here, it go me nowhere, other than into numerous fights with the DH. Not this Christmas but the last one, I actually received a drawing from the one SS and a clay pottery vase from the SD that she made in one of her college classes. The drawing had been done months before and I know was just an after thought gift. The clay vase was nice, I guess. It the thought that counts, right? However I had not purchased anything for any of them and I think they got the message loud and clear because not a thing for me this year. Sniffle. Good thing DH more than made up for it with all the wonderful gifts he bought me. It was gratifying to open each and every one of them right in front of these entitled brats, knowing it just burned their asses. Three years ago I actually wrote the SD a long, heartfelt letter apologizing for some of my actions that I felt I needed to be accuntable for. It was a very long letter and came from my heart. Did she ever acknowledge it? Lol...never! But I did it, DH read it and DH knows she completely ignored it, Now it's all on her. Twits

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks Whimsey. That is why I am so shocked I did what I did. And, I didn't get all nasty, defensive, etc., but just kept calmly to the facts as they were. I didn't call her names, or intimidate she was anything, that she could use against me to Daddy.

I also let her know that her actions were hurting her Father and he didn't understand what he, me, we have done to her to deserve such contempt from her.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Whimey - You are right that I am long since past wanting a better relationship with Twit. I have tried, and been humiliated over and over, for years.

Maybe it was time I set her straight about exactly how I felt about things with her and let her ruminate on them.

Do note, Twit is incapable of seeing how her actions make me feel, but....she feels bad she didn't get something.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi snikers - I didn't call her gifts cheap to her face, just told her I felt that they were unthoughtful being from the sources she usually finds them and the nasty condition they usually are in. I was very, very careful in my terminology with her.

And, yes, it IS the thought that counts, but dirty, stinky, smelly stained napkins as a Christmas gift (this is what she gave me one year) shows absolutely NO THOUGHT about you at all. I mean, if it was truely about the thought that counts, as TWIT claims, one would think she would have washed, cleaned them right? An insult, under any guise is still an insult.

Also, on Christmas Eve, DH who had been put on notice earlier that year that I was not buying Twit anything anymore and I also reminded him several times, said that I "should get out the gifts for Twit" My response, right in front of her, and him, was to say "What do you mean DH, you were going to take care of Twit, I didn't buy her anything". I certainly wasn't going to be the goat on that one. And he still hasn't bought her anything, which I think is part of the reason Twit showed up....she can't believe what happened to her.

If she thought she would make me feel bad, nope. All done, finished NMP. Enough is enough. In fact, DH wanted to take them out for a seafood buffet and use my casino points because Twit got nothing for Christmas. This, he said, would let her know that she was not left out. That didn't happen either as I said, calmly, No and went back to drinking my coffee and reading the paper.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

And the fact that Twit gives carppy gifts says a lot. She puts time and effort into gifts for everyone else except SDMC. It is meant to make her point and be offensive, why should I take it any other way. If it is "the thought that counts", then her thought is that I am only worth dirty smelly stained napkins, ashtrays and other carp BUT she expects top of the line gifts from me. Ain't no way that is going to happen any more.

Twit using the "thought that counts" is nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior towards me. If you let people treat you like that they will, family or not.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I talked to DH about my Twit encounter. He was stunned she even showed much less stayed with him not being home.

I told him what I said about inconsiderate gifts, etc. and how Twit cried her usual boo oo hoo. BUT, I did say I didn't scream at her, call her names, just told her how I felt about her actions. That I would not let people treat me like she was and I was no longer making an exception for her.

Perhaps the bad thing I did do was give her the chime and plate back, but I had no use for them. If I had been really mean I could have just regifted them to her, but that, well that's not me.

I don't know, I was surprised she didn't start swearing at me and calling me names or telling me I was crazy as she typically does. Maybe she got visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future? Christmas Future definately as she knows there will no longer be anything for her under the tree.

Anyway DH said there was nothing wrong with telling her how I felt. She hasn't called so, who knows what is going through her Twitty head.

Starla's picture

Very inspiring, the good Lord gave you strength!!!

I think its not just Skids that are entitled but the generation that we raised. One of my friends gives her kids $500.00 in gifts each. They are not a broken family and the oldest treats his mom like crap just the way his dad taught him. The dad is verbally abusive and the kids believe that their parents some how owe them bc they are important or whatever it is... :sick:

I hate saying its our fault for we raised the generation like this cause I never raised any kids. I'm only a step parent working with a broken family. You took the first step and set one person straight- that is awesome. Look forward to hearing what she does for you next year or maybe she will stay away. Yes its true that people will treat you like crap if you allow them to Skid or not.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I don't think Twit came over with the intent to see me at all. I do believe she misjudged the situation entirely. She, being full of herself to the nth degree, no doubt felt that if she told me how terrible she felt about not getting a present on Christmas Eve, I would sooth her feelings with how I didn't mean it, oh poor Twit, etc.

In the past, DH would push me into doing things like that, and generally, I feel for people BUT, there come a time that when it is apparent that someone is treating you like carp and expecting you to like it, you have to put your foot down and stop it.

Continuing to take Twit's abuse would continue to make me feel bad, give her power over me, tell her that she has the right to treat me like that. Well, that isn't so.

Quite frankly, I don't know how this is going to play out. Twit has not called DH so far. And, I really don't think she is giving up on her play book. This is one Twit you do not want to turn your back on because she will come at you one way or the other. She is malicious, evil, coniving and totally full of herself, grandiose to say the least.

I don't trust her one bit. My own DD, who also tried to treat her like a sister and got stabbed by her vicious lies, also wants nothing to do with her.

Very frustrated's picture

I read this blog all the time and never post but I can't resist on this one! I had the same sort of conversation with my 47 yo SD 2 years ago and she has not contacted her father or I since. It felt so good to finally speak my piece after 18 years of keeping my mouth shut while she was rude and nasty to me. It's sad that my DH doesn't get to see his grandchildren but he can't control others behavior.

I've been married to DH for almost 20 years and his 47 yo daughter and 43 yo son are the most narcissistic, egotistical, self absorbed people I have ever met. What a frustrating situation. It's just been within the last several months that I've decided to totally disengage. I feel better just having made the decision.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Very frustrated - I am so glad you posted the above. Sooo similar. Twit is almost 49, I have put up with her carp for some 19 years as well.

She, of all his children, is the one that believes she is ENTITLED to anything he has that she wants. She is the only one nasty, snotty, selfcentered, etc. The other 2 sk's are very nice, polite and appreciative. I can tell you that my SS sent us a Christmas floral centerpiece for the season (he's in Florida). The real thing - he wouldn't dream of passing off garbage as a gift. The other SD has been having health problems so she just sent cards as medical bills are expensive and we understand this. She is in CA and generally she sends us a nice gift....chocolates, etc. And my DD, she always come through to both of us. Only TWIT seems to have a problem. These SK's were all adults so I didn't raise any of them.

As of yet DH has not heard from Twit and, quite frankly, I don't know if he will. She has been ignoring his calls etc. since Christmas which was why I was so surprised when she showed up without calling.

Very frustrated's picture

I'll bet we wouldn't be surprised if the majority of adult SK are rude to their SM/SF. My 2 bio's would NEVER be rude to my DH because I'd like to think I raised them to have manners and empathy for others. Besides, if they had just once been rude to their step father my foot would have been firmly planted on their rears. Bad behavior toward family members should not be tolerated. We married almost 20 years ago when my children were 12 and 15 and his were 24 and 28. I could write a book on all the rudeness I've endured with the SK. Although they were "adults" when we married they've continued to act like entitled 10 year olds. And they're 43 and 47!!! I was actually "told off" at my FIL's funeral by the 47 year old SD! And the SS told us a couple months ago he won't spend any holidays as a blended family because he doesn't consider my bio's a part of his family (even though they flew 1500 miles to attend his wedding). Whatever, I'm done with the both of them. I've had enough! My husband and I are happy, contented and he understands where I'm coming from. So who needs the aggravation...

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

wowthisishard - Thank you. It was, well surprising that I stayed so calm. I actually surprised myself because I wasn't taking her accusations personally just stating why things are going down as they are. Maybe I shouldn't have given her back the chime and 4" resin plate, but, hey, I'm only human.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I know what Twit was looking for....it just, after all this time dawned on me. I know why she is upset. I inherited a bunch of nice antique stuff of all kinds. Generally, on top of the gifts I shop for, I would give something nice from the past. Must say, this is the stuff my DD loves. I inhereited it all from my Mom, Grandmother and a Grand Aunt that never married. In the past Twit has gotten nice things such as an antique cameo that was my grand aunt's. Gave my daughter one of Grandma's cameos the same year. I tried to treat the girls the same. One year I gave my DD Grandma's cake server with the sterling handle, and I gifted Twit with the sterling handled cake server from Grand Aunt.

No more for Twit. She is SOL. But that is what Twit is upset about. I am willing to bet money on that, greedy Twit that she is. Those days are over, no matter what the outcome now.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Good point! never thought of that. She could have been recording me for all I know.'

If she did, I hope she goes home and listens to it a few times so it sinks in.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You read right. She just turned 49. No child to be sure. Self-centered, in love with herself, mean, nasty and cruel.

You should have been around when she showed up about a year and a half ago and started crying in my living room about how she was sooo scared that she was going to be left out when we died!!!! Hell, we are in good health. She boo hoo hooed about being afraid she would get cut out and my daughter would get everything. Boo hoo. DH, and sadly, I at that time, tried to assure her that such was not the case. In fact, I told her that if there was anything particular she wanted to let me know and I would see she got it. Oh, Twit wants stuff, but she wanted guarantees of $$$$$ from us. That isn't going to happen. No way, no how.

And DH knows his daughters gifts to me are trash, he use to tell me to suck it up, be big about it, its the thought.

I don't know about you, but giving gifts is not about money, it is about the thought. And when someone gives you trash, that IMO is what they think about you. I mean when she gave me the ratty, dirty stained napkins...eeewww. Terrible gift as it is but it is only proper that she washed and cleaned them if she wanted to gift them. Man, those went in the trash can immediately after they left. Who knows WHAT was crawling in them.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Blame - I am shocked by her behavior as well. One expects more from an adult other tha high school antics and tantrums.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Blame - she heard that on Christmas Eve when DH asked me to get out Twit's present and I told him I didn't buy her anything, that, as WE had agreed, he was to take care of buying for her. I put that right on his shoulders and let her know at the same time not to blame me, blame daddy.

Towanda's picture

Way to keep your cool She's Driving! So proud of you!

Very Frustrated, glad you posted. Took the exact words out of my mouth!
The SD's claim to have recorded me and my DH one time when we were sitting down on a couch trying to have a calm conversation with one of them. We were "verbally assaulting" one of these crazies. Right. I had prayed my guts out in the car before I even went in to reconcile with one of these darlings. I couldn't have been more polite and tactful.

By the way.......terrible gift givers is a trait of an Narcissist. I've got me one of those too! Funny how everyone else at christmas could get a nice gift, but mine would be broken or a regift of one of her products she sells. Whatever. Hubby got a gift certificate to Wendy's. Smile Her sibs would get extravagant, pricey items. She would just ignore my kids entirely and turn her head away from them. We are talking about a grown woman!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Towanda - I didn't know that about narrcissist people. Explains a lot.

I bet she ain't a happy camper right now. Feel for her husband, she is probably giving him an earful about me. God Bless him, he needs it dealing with her.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks to all here on ST for reading, responding and letting me vent on this. I was shaking all afternoon yesterday. Doing this helps calm me back down and gives me support.

It was truely hard to keep calm in dealing with Twit, but to do otherwise would have degenerated my feelings about things and given her reason to go bonko, even more than she did. Interesting, mostly she cried, but did at times get beligerant, loud, etc., but I kept my cool, didn't rise to her level and continued calmly with what I had to say. She had her choice, didn't like what I was saying, leave, but she stayed. And, I am even more shocked that I really did it! But then, she asked. I wouldn't have said a word to her if she didn't bring it up. It was like I stopped in midstep from leaving the room and went back in when she asked her question.

Now to deal with DH about this happening and hear if he has any ideas how to continue other than start to try to give me the ole: suck it up, you were too hard on her, yadda, yadda, yadda carp.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

What an amazing outpouring of support for you, SDM.... i want to add my voice to the chorus of other responses and say, I am SOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Good for you! It was long overdue.

We all wish we could have been you and could have had a chance to set the record straight! You handled it very well, and the fact that Twit is 49 ( older than me) and seems stuck in some kind of perpetual adolescent neediness is mind-boggling. You owe her nothing. You called it like you see it. Her tears mean nothing. Let's see if anything is going to change. Whimsey's example is very disheartening.
In your case, SDM, you can at least take solace in the otther 2 skids being decent.

How did your DH react? Keep us posted.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thank you Pilgrim. It has been a very long year. Last year at this time I was a basket case, ready to leave my marriage, broke out in a rash, headache, stomach problems due to dealing with this....TWIT. And DH too, I might add.

DH, well he's going through his own h*ll in realizing just what Twit is and what the consequences are for him if things don't straighten out.

I know he actually expected me to buy Twit something for Christmas because he didn't think I would hold true to my word at a time like Christmas. He was wrong. AND, he has not chastized me, or even brought it up except for the one time he talked about taking Twit out to the seafood buffet at $33.00 per person. Geez Louise.

As for the nasty gift thingy....what is so hard about getting, say, a Starbucks 1 lb. bag of Holiday Blend coffee, or a box of good candy? I'll tell you....it would cost Twit something. She might spend a buck or two on us, better to give us garage sale garbage or auction box lot left overs just so it LOOKS like she is gifting and she gets her point across.

As my darling daughter said, when she witnessed the ashtray I got last year, "bet she spent a LOT of time choosing that." I bet she did too....had to get her point across.

sandye21's picture

I ENVY you SOOO much! When my SD had her meltdown, with the help of her husband, and no support from DH who ran out the door, I felt so outnumbered ,trying to defend myself alone, I was in a state of shock.

Even today I would love to tell SD what you said to yours. I could use your dialog almost verbatum! LOL I know, as you do, that because she is a self-centered, entitled narcissist, she will never attempt to see my view of the situation nor will she ever stop blaming me. Your SD will never stop blaming you for not getting a present, even though you plainly stated in front of she and DH that it was DH's responsibility.

The important thing is you did this for yourself in a calm and non-hostile manner. It doesn't matter if she gets anything out of it or not. Another thing - you are demonstrating to DH that you are done with the game. Congrats!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Funny, Sandye - Twit mentioned that too, about how she felt she needed her husband with her for support because of what I was saying. I just asked her, calmly again, why? I wasn't screaming at her or threatening her, I was just telling her like it was.....did she have a problem with that? Was she ashamed of her actions? She looked sheepish, but amazingly stayed put. Hey, she did them, she has to own them.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

One thing I was thinking about yesterday evening while putting dishes away....how would I feel if I faced Twit again, had to be around her, etc. Would I feel guilty? Surprisingly, I would not. I have done nothing wrong but call a spade a spade with her. She is the one that needs to look at her actions and face it.

I think that is a very good sign and a very good FEELING. Wonder if she will ever be able to face me? Probably not without her husband and my DH flanking her.....cruel people, mean people seem to need support.

forgotten wife's picture

"If I only knew then what I know now..."

This is one of my biggest regrets. I wonder if I would have heeded the advice given here if I had read it before this marriage to DH and his dysfunctional family? Sadly, probably not. I would have felt that our situation was "different".

Very frustrated's picture

What is very unfortunate is when these narcissistic SK grow into 40-50 yo narcissistic SK's, nothing changes. It's like they are stuck at being 15 years old for the rest of their lives. It's best to cut the relationship off because, at least for me, nothing good is going to come from it. And then they wonder why? I don't get it.

steppedonstep's picture

Regarding the dishes - I have had episodes with SD40 over the years with my good china. She is intentionally, I think, careless with my china and crystal which is only used on special holidays. I started with casual remarks like "Oh, don't worry about the dishes, I will get to them later" to finally having to say "Please don't stack the china, don't scrape it, don't put the crystal in the dishwasher, etc." When granddaughter was about four or five years old, she gave her the largest, most expensive piece to carry from the dining room to the kitchen. Rooms are not adjacent to each other and I intercepted her halfway there. She makes a big show of helping to clean up and of course DH is impressed. I just shudder each time I see my plates and silver being stacked up and every time say "Please don't do that." One time she filled the kitchen sink and proceeded to "wash" dishes. Not necessary as we have a dishwasher. Every bit of food went into the sink which became a mess of slop as she pretended to wash dishes. She was laughing about the mess. I kept telling her to stop; I would wash later. DH comes by and sees she is hand washing dishes - isn't she special? She knew I was going to have to rewash everything after she left. He does help clean up so I don't know why he doesn't see any of this. How do these SDs come up with these ideas? Incidents just seemed weird at the time, but now after thirteen years I see one big picture and it isn't pretty.

Tuff Noogies's picture

i came up with the craaaazy idea the other day that the skids should each help clean up after one single meal over the course of a weekend with us (like one of 'em help clean up after breakfast on saturday, another ss helps after dinner on saturday). these kids have no skills in caring for their home and have never been given chores, so i figured it'd be nice for DH to help teach them some normal life-skills. and i didnt think that one post-meal cleanup every two weeks would be too burdensome.

WELL. DH is totally against my idea. He made it quite clear that if they didnt want to learn that stuff he wasnt going to force them.

:jawdrop:

sandye21's picture

My SD never lifted a finger to do a dish - or anything else. Now that I read your posts, I feel lucky about it.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Re Twit and good china, crystal and silver.....she doesn't have a clue how to even set a table. As for the silver, I use it on special occasions, and when she has been around for those, I ALWAYS count it. Especially when silver prices were sky high last year.

And, to keep offers to help with dishes away [like she would know how to take care of good stuff] I steer everyone into the living room for dessert etc. and handle that myself.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Risingaboveit - EXCELLENT suggestion! Generally, my DD and her hubby and family are here and Christmas Eve has always been a special time in my family....as it was in my Mom's house and my Grandma's house. We have dinner, open gifts by the tree and then, those that want, go to Services or go home. My Grandmother would probably come back to haunt me if I didn't have Christmas Eve as tradition....but, if she did maybe I could talk to her again (just kidding). I have so many wonderful memories of Grandma, many of those memories were when she caught me sliding down the banister at her home, or when I dared show for dinner dressed in sweats. That was a BIG no no in her eyes.

Kids today seem not to have manners or traditoins and that is so sad.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Here's an example. I think it describes what SDM did perfectly.

Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

(Modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine)

When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting.

You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.

At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway and tell yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.

When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively.

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you.

Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

EXCELLENT Pilgrim. Thanks for posting that. I am going to have to read that a couple of times a day just for reinforcement.

FWIW, it was strange, it seems like I was calm because, well, I really didn't have any emotion to put into fighting with her. I don't know how to explain it, it was like a reached a point where, since she brought the matter up, I was going to have my say regardless of how she reacted or what she said. And also, because she just flat out doesn't matter to me any more. As I said, I was surprised at myself as well. That is why I was shaking after the encounter happened. I have no doubt I had the help of God in that, and for that I thank Him.

But, don't for a moment think she is gone. Twit is twisted, she reviles in meanness, revenge, etc. And, as even her Husband once told me, she never, ever forgets or forgives a perceived slight or injustice (those that happen in her mind). I remember when he said that; I told him that I was sorry for her because things between us could have been quite nice and it was her loss. He, darling that he is, agreed.

Once, several years back she did something that hurt me. In a responsible adult manner I tried to talk to her about how I felt when she did that, and how bad I felt. Now, normal people will respond, or at least I would, that I didn't know I had hurt them and was sorry. Not so with Twit....She went into a rage at me, how terrible I was, how I didn't understand her, she e-mailed my husband something I had said to her, jokingly, that she tried to turn into something negative. It was awful! Must admit I was confused but I did warn her about the making up things trying to start trouble between her father and me. She could have cared less. I ended it by blocking her e-mails, but she kept it up with her Father, who told me he didn't approve either of what she was saying or doing, BUT, we should work it out.

Now, what I said that she twisted. I was trying to get DH to go on a vacation to New Orleans and he was dragging his feet about it. I, laughingly said, that if he didn't want to go I would go myself. He knew I said it, he was there, and he knew I was kidding around....I wouldn't go without him. But, interestingly when she blew up at me she twisted this into my telling her I was going to New Orleans without her Father! She emailed him this and added that she "just wanted him to know what I was up to"! Heck, even my own daughter was there in the group when I was kidding around about this and so was DH. But, see how she tried to make nothing into something to try to hurt.

She has no feeling for what she does to me, or any one else for that matter, but it is always about her. She hurts you and YOU should apologize to her...confusing.

I do know since I disengaged, and have not been playing her game or getting into her drama, she isn't to sure how to deal with me. She can't control me and she doesn't like it one bit. Even more, she doesn't like the fact that her Daddy isn't soothing over the ice for her with me...you know, the old, suck it up, you are bigger than that, she didn't mean it, and [and this one really gets me] she was only kidding, carp we SP seem to hear from our partners.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

No way in hades I would apologize for anything to Twit. She dishes it out and then expects one to apologize to her because she hurt YOUR feelings! Man, that I just don't understand how someone thinks like that.

What amazes me is that Twit comes up with the darnest stories and DH is oh so happy to believe them. When I question something she says he jumps in on her defense right away.

Case in point, she got a spot at the same antique mall we sell in (this after she pulled some nonsense on us and got her own spot and moved out without bothering to tell us until AFTER she had done it and how she was only going to pay us for the days she was there as she has her own case now. I set her straight on that....told Twit she pays for the WHOLE month, her share, oh she didn't like that.

Anyway, when we shared the same spot we had no problem with damage, things getting broken by staff etc. Well, she's got this spot for some 3 months and she is claiming that they are breaking her stuff. Supposedly they chipped a milk glass plate that was one of her BEST pieces (a piece of mediocre glass at best), broke the clasp on a necklace and destroyed a beaded purse clasp. Now, this stuff is behind glass, as ours is so it is not like someone can just go play with it. I, too have glass, fine china, beaded purses and necklaces in my booth, but I have had no problem. Even when we split the booth with Twit we had no problem, but then the place was in my name. I think there is something wrong here and it isn't the staff or customers maligning these items. I mean, I have been in the business awhile and yes, stuff gets damaged, broken, but not all the time. But who know, she might have alienated the staff there.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

DH once, actually many times, told me I was being too sensitive, thin skinned. At first I thought, well, maybe, but after dealing with Twit and her nonsense I realized that was not true. And I told DH, when I disengaged with Twit, that I was not being thin skinned, she was meaning to zing, insult, hurt me. I know the difference. I was not getting upset because she looked at me funny etc. It was snide, nasty remarks, or stories she told about hurting others and getting a charge out of it or the way she treated DH and me!

Case in point. She worked for a guy who IMO was just as nuts as she is. One of the employees gave his notice. So, the boss and her, went out of their way to see he got a bad references from them. Seems the employee left that company because he had 2 sons he was raising by himself and needed insurance for them. She actually laughed about how they were going to call CFS and report how he wasn't taking care of his kids. Twit laughed as she said that should keep him busy for awhile cleaning that up! Now, honestly, what kind of person does such things for no reason other than to be mean??? Don't know if she actually followed through, but just the fact that she related that to me concerns me. NOT NORMAL!

That is one reason I am scared of this one. She is one nasty, evil, cruel, malicious being. So, I will be watching to see what she might be up to. Not going to get narotic about it, but just keep my eyes and ears open.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yes she does. I was totally shocked when she bragged about this. She, and her boss, didn't see anything wrong with it as the guy was quiting to better himself. Blows my mind.

Shoshanna's picture

Wow. She's almost 49 and acting like a 10 yesr old. . . .Aye yi yi! That does not give me hope for my future as a forever SM. LOL.Good for you, the both of you needed to have that happen.