Twisted like a Pretzel...Too many twists
I am a 55 year old Mom of two grown sons and one grown stepdaughter. My husbands ex passed away when SD was 8 yrs. old.
They divorced shortly after a years marriage. EX was very jealous when I came into his life. She tried everything to make trouble. She made it next to impossible for us to see SD. She remarried and asked for her new husband to adopt SD...my DH eventually did sign with coaxing from Ex's family. We were given the impression that SD was not being told till she was 18, we assumed that we had absolutely no chance of ever having any type of visitation. We never told our sons about any of this, we felt they were too young to understand any of it.
BM divorced the second husband...she moved in with her parents. They lived 300 miles away, we never saw the SD at all. Her mother passed away when she was just 8, the grandparents fought the adopted father from having custody. They raised her. They moved back in our area when she started High school. Never ever did anyone tell us that SD knew about the adoption all along. No one ever sent photos or any information about SD. They basically continued to bad mouth us to her the same as her mother had.
So she is a grown adult now with 4 kids. We heard that she wanted to get to know us. I wrote to her & we met (1996) we discussed all of the past & we agreed to have contact to see if she thought she was ready or even wanted to have a relationship & if she thought she could like me or get along with me. Zipping ahead after that she moved away again & rarely contacted me, no reply to letters, unreturned phone messages but I continued to send gifts to her 2 sons she had then...I continued to try to create a bridge. She finally agreed to come to our house to meet her father by this time she had 2 other kids also.
She remained withdrawn...she did not play an active roll in trying to be a part of the family even after coaxing her, including her in MY families Christmas parties etc.
The last thing that has happened is that she got angry because I had asked her to come for her fathers 60th birthday & when she said she couldn't I asked her to please remember to send him a card as he has MS & multiple other health issues, I just wanted her to bond while we have time. She got angry & told me that she didn't love him, she didn't even feel like he was her father, maybe an uncle if that. She also was cursing about her brothers saying that she wasn't as smart as her f-ing brothers, she wasn't valedictorian like her f-ing brothers and on & on. I had not known she resented them so much. I know I am not her BM but I really, really tried to establish a caring relationship. I tried to invite her into our lives, I did for her exactly the same as I did for our sons on Christmas and much more than I ever did for them on a regular basis. I was not trying to buy her...I was trying to establish a Mom-Dad/Daughter relationship...bridging a gap that was there for 23 years. Her father is quite but he would do anything for her. He just is totally guilt ridden. I tried to call her several times & she won't answer her phone at Christmas this year I called from a new cell# & she answered & hung right up on me. I wanted to ask what we could get the grandkids for gifts. I left her husband a message on his cell & he called later that night & spoke to my DH...he told him that SD didn't want anything to do with us, that her & I didn't see eye to eye & couldn't get along & that he, DH never put any effort in the relationship that it was always me. He said she thought she wanted a relationship with us but she made a mistake, she did not want anything to do with us. But we could call the kids on THEIR personal cell phones. The grandkids have all grown up in the past 4 yrs. and we have missed all of it. Now they are distant with us. Before the phone conversation the grandkids had a really unique bonding with me...I don't think she liked that. I am still willing to try anything but am really not sure what or how. We have been married for 34 years together for 36+ yrs. I know this is a condensed version of 3o some years. Feel free to ask any questions.
Any good advise if your comments are going to be mean I'd rather not even read them. Thanks!!