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Trying to wrap my head around my feelings

bedazzled's picture

So, DH's 2 offspring have never accepted me. They have bullied my for years. I am disengaged from them. DH 35 YO Daughter has a 3 year old. I have never seen the kid. Daughter told DH she wants to recreate her childhood for her kid. So I am not allowed anywhere near. 

My DH's brother has alzheimers. My DH and I take care of him. I work full time so, I have no free time for me. I take good care of my brother in law. He is now staying with us. DH took him to see DH's daughter and kid today. So of course she turns on the charm.

Brother in law now thinks she is wonderful now. My feelings are all over the place.  I am the only one in the "Family" that is not allowed.(excluded). to be anywhere near DH spawn. or his grandkid. The grand kid doesn't even know Grandpa is married. I don't exist at all in their make believe world. 

I am feeling so resentful right now. I resent the fact that even with all my effort towards my DH family, I am still treated like this horrible outsider. I am so sick of being invisible!  

I will go home from work today to my DH and brother in law. I am the only one who is the outsider. I don't even want to go home. 

DH goes to see his piece of crap spawn once a week. The weedend after next is the celibration party for the grandkids birthday. She is throwing 3 birthday partys for the kid. So DH and BM and DH spawn can act all weekend like the "original family" so DH piece of crap can relive her childhood for her kid.

 

 

 

hereiam's picture

she wants to recreate her childhood for her kid

So dysfunctional but hey, your husband goes along with it.

notarelative's picture

Your DH is going along with this insanity. You have a DH problem. I'd be tempted to tell him that if playing happy family is so important to him, he can do it full time.

Your BIL has Alzheimers. His thinking is impaired. He may think SD is wonderful today, but by tomorrow he will probably have no memory of the visit. 

I get the excluded feeling (check my user name). The difference between your situation and mine is that BM is deceased, SD has her on the highest pedestal available, but DH has made it clear to SD that I am his wife (at the cost of few visits with the grands).

When the first grand was born I really felt the exclusion. I cried. I sobbed. I cried again. Then I realized that I couldn’t change SD. I could only let her make me miserable or not. I chose not.

Do I feel badly that DH sees the grands sporadically? Yes, but I also recognize that he had very little contact with SDs before we got together so that he'd have more contact with them without me is not certain.

piegirl's picture

I too am sorry to hear this is happening to you.

It seems as though DH, like many others, is too weak to stand up against SD and call her on this strange behaviour. It isn't ok for him to participate in her warped sense of reality, nor his brother!!

What does your DH say for himself when asked about this?

I understand the invisibility you are feeling, I feel that too. I also feel resentful at times - it's completely normal given the poor behaviour of our DH's.

Take care of you!

notarelative's picture

Since the BIL has Alzheimer’s, I think he gets a pass. He has no understanding of the dynamics here and only went to see SD because DH brought him. He does not have the ability to see the wrongness of the situation. 

bedazzled's picture

Dh is afraid of his kids. If he doesn't jump through their hoop they don't speak to him. His daughter has pulled this many many times. She has not spoken to him for years at a time if, he didn't do what she wants. He crawls back on his knees to get her to speak to him again. He never holds her accountable for her actions.  Ever. Now she has a kid to use. If he stood up to her, she would not let him see her kid. So, he continues to be her patsy. SS has no real friends so, Daddy has to be his bestie. He is so abusive of DH but, DH feels if he stands up to him, his son will kill himself. So DH takes his abuse. 

My biggest disapointment is that DH lets it happen. I didn't ever see myself being married to someone who is OK with his wife being treated like that. If I only knew then what I know now. 

 

 

 

 

MissTexas's picture

they just do what these SK's want robotically because they have wronged them by divorcing BM (the kids have guilted daddy into believing this mess). Your DH sounds like he's fallen victim to this, and as a result these MEN ARE AFRAID OF THEIR KIDS. Afraid of alienation, rejection, and that ultimately they won't love him. It's a sick, demented mess/dynamic.

FYI, all of these "girls" read from the same playbook. Their so-called "love" is strictly conditional. As long as they're cracking their pu**y control whips on dadddeee's neck, and getting what they want (even if dad is miserable) then daddy gets to be in the picture. The instant they deviate and try to be a husband and think like one, here comes the punishment, (withdrawal, if grandkids are in the picure they'll keep them away) "until you get rid of that woman you're married to." Isn't this really just so sick? They don't want a real relationship with these DH's, they only want a puppet they can control. Remember the game, "Mother May I?" Same concept only daddy has to ask permission from SD, (substitute "SD" for "Mother.")

Never in a million years would I have thought so many well-meaning women/wives would be so drastically effected by these men who refuse to put their marriages FIRST over their adult offspring.

Apparently this is a pandemic I was not aware of until I found myself in this horrible dynamic, and you, my friend are a member of that club. You definitely have a DH problem. His daughter is a symptom, but he is the enabler here.

You're a saint for caring for his brother, btw.

sandye21's picture

I agree with the other posters - this is a DH problem.  What have you said to DH about all of this and what has his reaction been?  I think I would point blank tell DH the situation is unacceptable, and it must be resolved to EVERYONE'S satisfaction ASAP.  I would remind him of what you are doing for him as far as taking care of his brother and you deserve to be treated with respect.  If he continues to allow you to be excluded I would look into possible separation.  It's a two-way street.  DH give a little, you give a little.

Rags's picture

Your DH needs clarity and to purge his toxic spawn and her spawn from his life.  smh

I would not tolerate DH interfacing with that bitch at all if I were you.

still learning's picture

I would hope my children wouldn't be terrible humans like this but if they were I would still love them and their children.  In my case DH and I aren't joined at the hip, he's free to see ss whenever he likes. If ss has a party and doesn't want me there then great, more free time for me. Funny thing this has happened before and DH comes home telling me how he had so many conversations about me. Even though I wasn't there I was present in conversation and thought.  

Rags's picture

Good for DH for keeping you present and rubbing the toxic spawn's nose in your existence.  I like that... a lot.

I also agree that parents generally love their kids even if a kid is a toxic.  I heard a few times during my childhood "I love you but I don't like you very much right now.".  Kids need that message as well.  

The older the kid, the more firmly they need that message.

hereiam's picture

I would not have a problem being an outsider, as far as my SD and her family is concerned, but if my own husband made me feel like an outsider, then, we would have a problem.

The grand kid doesn't even know Grandpa is married. I don't exist at all in their make believe world. 

I mean, seriously, how can your husband go along with this? ^^^^^

Lollybobs's picture

The solution has been provided.  The unhappy adults no longer have to spend any time in each other's company.

You get pleasant alone time with your husband and his children get pleasant alone time with their dad.

WTF...? It's not 'a solution' when somebody else decides where you will and won't be. It's not 'a solution' to be good enough to care for a family member with Alzheimers but not good enough to participare in the life of subsequent generations. It's a solution if the choice not to interact is there, not when it's forced upon someone.

To treat somebody as if they only exist when it suits is plain wrong - and cruel. How exactly does it help skids and their offspring to accept reality when this behaviour is faciltated? This is why the 'Go away and do something you enjoy' approach is wrong as well - it implies that others have the right to treat you this way and that it's 'ok' if you're not considered part of the family on these occasions. 

Well it isn't ok - because whether SD likes it or not, you ARE part of that family and OH should be making sure she gets that message loud and clear. Until his behaviour changes, SD's won't, because if Daddy does it then it must be acceptable. Out of respect for you, if an invitation doesn't iclude both of you, he should be politely but firmly declining...and making sure she knows exactly why.

bedazzled's picture

Exactly !!!!! When did abuse become acceptable just because you are someone’s kid. I have a stepmother my father made it very clear from day one that she is his wife. I respect him for that. All four of his children were taught to have respect

 

The bottom line to all of this. These children who are given this power to control their parents lives don’t really respect their parent. They see them as weak and their puppet. That is not love. If they loved their parent they would be happy that their parent is happy. They would support their parents happiness. They are selfish narcissistic people who are a result of parenting failure. Parents who want to be their best friend.

ect. We  knew we accept her or we don’t see out Dad. Period. He is 93 now his wife stands by his side taking care of him. I am thankful for that. He has had a very happy 25+ years with her.  They have the support of his children standing next to his wife. The wife he chose. The wife he loves. The wife he has a right to have by his side. Thank God I  was raised by a man with balls!! 

Did me being his kid give me the right to take that away from them? No thank God he didn’t give any of us kids that power. We were raised right. My father had every right to have a happy marriage. If I chose to disrupt it then I am the bad guy not his wife. If he chose to let me disrupt that would have been his fault. Just because you have kids does not mean you owe them your life.  Who am I to chose who is right for my father? He has the right to chose whomever makes him happy. He does not have to chose who makes his kids happy. This is his life, his marriage. His happiness he has every right to that. 

my mother never remarried. She died lonely. She had us kids but she did not have a spouse at her side. There is a big big big difference. Kids are not meant to fill that void, only a spouse can. That’s where society has gotten mixed up. Kids are not suppose to be the same as spouses. They are not suppose to fill your needs. Once they are grown they need to find their own life. They should not be given power over their parents. 

My brother in law who has Alzheimer’s is divorced. He did not get remarried because his kids didn’t want him to. So he didn’t. He didn’t want to upset his kids. He is now alone except for DH and I. Where are his kids they all moved out of state and are busy with their own lives. They show up once in a while. He is alone every day except when he is with us. He will have to be moved into a home because he has no one at home with him.

his biggest regret. Never remarrying andnot  having that one on one bond with someone. He tells us that every day.  He has spent 25 years alone to keep his kids happy!!!!  His companionship was the stack of porn we found under his bed. But at least his kids were happy he or their mother never remarried. They will show up to deceided what home to put him in and then go back to their lives.

My son got married 2 weeks ago.  I sat him down and told him his wife is his number 1. Over his parents, friends, children. He must stand together as 1 with his wife. Do not ever give anyone the power to take that away from you. Not even your children. You will have a successful marriage if you are always united as a team. I also told him if it ever came down to backing me or his wife he should always chose his wife. She is his number 1 always.

i mean it. I want him to have that bond. 

I agree with you Lollybobs that is not the solution. It is giving the power to others to deceide your life.  No one not even your children have that right to deceide that for you. If children can’t accept their parents spouse they are also not accepting their parent. They have no right to make that choice for their parent. 

I love my father. Is his wife who I would have picked for him? No. I respect his choice and support his choice. When he dies I know he has had a happy life that I did not cause him misery by being selfish and not wanting him get remarried. This kids who won’t accept their parents spouse are nothing but selfish. I look back now and what a horrible person I would have been if I didn’t allow my father to bring his wife to family events and made his life hard. He had every right to have her there. 

There is no reason for all of this except the selfishness of these children and their parents who are to weak to stand up to them and to have taught them right from wrong. It is a hugh parenting failure. 

My husband has every right to have his wife by his side with out being harrassed. I have every right to be by my husband’s side with out being harrased. 

People need to quit making excuses for abuse. People need to quit making fixes to work around abusers. They need to stand up to the abuse and call it what it is. Then and only then will it stop. My husband chooses to let it go on. Until he puts and end to it, it will not stop.

I am very thankful to have been raised by a father who was a parent and not a best friend. He taught me right from wrong and stood by it. He did not let me have the power I would have taken if he would have let me.  If I would have verbally abused him the way my husbands kids still abuse him, he would have stood up to me. He led by example. He stood up for his wife and I respect him for that. He is a strong man who lived his morals and taught them to his children

sandye21's picture

I agree with you whole heartedly.  I also don't think skids should have the right to decide whom their father marries or have any influence over the love bond that SHOULD take place between their father and his chosen mate.  You are very fortunate that your father gave you the 'gift' of learning about kindness and respect.  Look at how much happiness he has exposed you to!  The irony is that it was actually EASIER for your father to expect you to respect his marriage to your SM.  I can guarantee you if my DH had chosen the path of your father he would be seeing and freely communicating with SD a heck of a lot more than he is now.  I would have a lot more respect for him and would bask in the knowledge that he cherishes me..  Instead I am questioning his reason for marrying me.

Your DH has created a no-win situation for everyone.  He is short-changing everyone by giving the skids and BM the impression that they were so important that they had control over his life when they really didn't - he's still with you, isn't he?.  He is short-changing you by not cherishing his wife as he promised to when you married him.  The one he is short-changing the most is himself because even though he takes part in his little 'family' gatherings reality has a nasty way of showing it's teeth.  The 'Happy Family' is fake.  In the end, when your DH dies, the skids and BM will feel betrayed because you will still be there -  invisible - but still there.  And you will feel the emptiness of a marriage which lacked commitment. 

So what I want to know is where do you think you are going from here?

bedazzled's picture

Where will I go from here. I will probably stay with DH. We have very good times when his kids are not around. I do see him for who he is now. A weak man. I have protected myself. You are correct the one he is cheating most is himself. He could of had the devotion of a very caring wife.  He does not have the respect from me that he would have if he would have stood up for our marriage in the beginning  He also lives in a fake world where he feels his children love him. I don't think they really know what love is. They only look at it as "what can you do for me" The next generation of his family is being taught the same lessons. Love is only what you can get out of people.  All of this is his loss

I really don't understand the concept that society puts on stepparents that they must take the backseat. That they have no right to expect the same respect or treatment that an "original wife is entitled to. How does that even make sense.  It really is sick. It is creating a generation of very selfish children. In this day and age many people are in a blended family. It also takes away the importance of marriage. It also shows kids the can have the power to break up their parents marriages if they wish.

They say the kids were damaged by the divorce. Speaking for myself I was damaged by the fighting that my parents did long before they divorced. If my parents did stay together for the kids, I would have seen 30+ more years of two people who did not like each other. 2 very unhappy people that stayed together for the kids. After the divorce I say 2 people who could be happy. My children saw happy people. My only regret is that my Mother never got remarried. I wish she had. We encourged her and accepted the men in her life. She chose not to. We did not chose for her not to. I wish she had that  with someone in her later years.Someone to grow old with her.  She had her kids and grandkids and great grandkids but again it is not the same. 

If my father had allowed me I would have given my SM a hard time. I would have been just like all the other SD on steptalk.  It is strange to see your parent with someone else. He did not allow me that power. So, we are where we are today. We have a respectful relationship. I can see him when ever I want. He can see his grandchildren and great grand children when ever he wants. We can all be together for holidays etc. He had the love of his kids, grandkids, and wife. Simple.  I thank him for not allowing me to become like the SD's on this site. He stopped it. My children also learned the lesson so, they are who they are now with my DH because they had a good example to follow. I thank him for being a parent not a best friend. I also thank my Mother she led by a good example also. She encouraged us to accept my Fathers new wife. They even spent some holidays together before my Mom passed away. What a great gift to all their kids and grandkids. If he had allowed me that power we would be in the same situation DH and I  are in with his kids.  Like you said he is the big loser.  If children really love their parents they will accept and be happy for their parent to also find happiness in this life. 

SD knows what she is doing to her father. She knows she is hurting him. Does she really want her kid to have a normal loving relationship with her Dad?  Does she really want her kid to be able to spend time at grandpas house? If she did she would accept her Dads life with his wife. Or does she thrive on the power and control she has over her Dad? That he can only see her kid on her terms. That he has to have her permission to see her kid. He always has to go to her. At any given second she can pull the rug out from under him if he doesn't jump through her hoop. She loves that power. She is the puppet master.

Every sucessful blended marriage I have been around the parents never tolerated the kids to disrespect the marriage and spouse. The parents did not give the power to the kids or adult kids. Marriages with stepkids can work if both the parents do their parts and be parents not BFF's  It would save alot of heartache for everyone.  None of us would be on steptalk.  

The sad part is that at the end of these Skids lives will they be happy with themselves that they did everything in their power to destroy their parents marriage?  That they chose their parents had no right to be happy with the spouse of their choice? Is their end game for their parents to spend the rest of their lives alone seving them?  And society backs them.  Thank you to my parents for not letting me become one of these selfish self centered marriage destroying Skids. 

Rags's picture

Thanks for sharing  your own story as a Skid.  You have been blessed with quality parents. I am sad that your Skids don't have a father as great as  your father and that you do not have a DH as great as your father has been.

Don't forget to take care of you.

 

piegirl's picture

This is raw and true and has really struck a chord with me. Perhaps all of my resentment and anger are not so much about the rejection I feel from the adult skids, but the fact that I thought DH was a strong man but has turned out he is so very weak.

bedazzled's picture

I agree. I really feel that my anger and resentment is toward my husband. His children are not people I would ever give the time of day to if they were not his children.  They were allowed to treat others poorly. They are mean. They are bullies.  Their parents justify their meaness.

 I am strong enough to stand up for him. I know you should stand up for your spouse. That’s pretty basic.  I expected the same from him. I thought I married someone who would have my back just as I have always had his.  I see marriages all around me where the men would never allow anyone to treat their wife’s in this manner. The woman also would not tolerate anyone treating their husbands in such a manner. All he gives is excuses why he can’t stand up to his children. He should really just come out and admit he has no spine. His weakness is not very attractive.  My disappointment is seeing such a weak man. Finding out that you married someone so weak is very disappointing.

It really tells you something about yourself that you would still stand up for him if someone treated him in this manner even he he will never have your back in the same situations. I guess that is the definition of character. 

I am glad I taught my children character long before he ever came along. He raised children who don’t have any character at all.  I guess you can’t teach it if you don’t have it. These children were taught to treat others badly. It is the parents fault. 

Again me being a stepdaughter and the way it has turned out, proves that if the parent and stepparent are really united as a team that neither one will let anyone come between them. The outcome can be a happy one for everyone. I find great comfort in knowing I was raised by strong parents who did not give up their character. Even to a daughter that at one time would have gladly taken it. They corrected me right out of the gate. I was 25 years old. I was an adult. My parents still parented me and didn’t use the excuse I was an adult and they couldn’t do anything about it. I had to make a choice. I made the right one. And chose to respect my parents choices. 33 years later it is still working. 

piegirl's picture

I too was a SD myself, with my mother and SF marrying when I was 16. Initially I wasn't very nice to him and I was given a good warning - be nice or be out at 18!! Our relationship has grown over the years and I couldn't imagine life without him in it. Like your father, my parents also stood up to all of us and told us that they were together, like it or not.

My DH says he will have a 'chat' with the SD's when things between us get difficult, but it never happens. What 'the chat' entails I am not exactly sure. I don't bother asking because I feel it's not going to happen anyway.

I love my DH dearly, but the SD's have gotten worse in the past year, which just seems to make us argue more. 

sandye21's picture

You are right.  The problem we have when we discover how weak out DHs are is that we lose so much respect for them and it is very hard to get it back.  We convince ourselves that we can live with them despite their weakness.  Instead we focus on gaining happiness in other ways.  And it works for a while - until the next 'wimp-out' episode.  Then you work like hell to get back to a 'workable' point where you can live with him without thinking about the much-feared 'Divorce'.  It goes on and on until one day you know it is inevitable.  Please get this straightened out now and demand that your man have your back.

Jojab1636's picture

This is exactly what I have been trying to tell my DH.  The way you put it is perfert.  I just might have to borrow some of this the next time we have a discussion after his children treat me poorly!  

My husband wants a marriage, he wants that companionship with a spouse.  Kids can't fill that void - only a spouse can.  YASSSS!  They need to find their own life!   I am so glad I found this.....  It is almost refreshing to hear this from someone else - I'm soooo not alone in this battle.  Thank you!!!

 

Siemprematahari's picture

My husband chooses to let it go on. Until he puts an end to it, it will not stop.

If he’s choosing to let this go on what will you do? Are you disengaging from all this? Are you creating boundaries to protect yourself? I think your father was a wise man and he did well by his kids. If only there were many more fathers like him out there….that teach their kids about respect and that kids DO NOT get to rule their parents lives.

Your H has his own life and identity. What a pity that he’s too much of a coward to stand up not only for you and your marriage but for himself. Is he willing to continue this way and risk losing you in one way or the other……

bedazzled's picture

I am disengaged. from this. I am and have created boudaries to protect myself. DH has already lost me in many ways. I do not respect him and see him as a coward and weak. He did not raise quality members of society.  My father will finish his life with the respect of his children, grand children, great grand children and wife. He truly has had it all. All by his own makings. He did not have to buy our love. He was not our puppet.  He will leave a legacy of teaching his family to respect others. He has lived his life well. I am proud to be his daughter. I am proud he taught me hard lesson and was willing to take the risk of his children not liking him at times. He did a good job with his sons as well. I am proud he stood up for his wife. A lesson his grandsons now can use in their marriages

My DH's children know he is weak. They know they can minupulate him. They know they can abuse him. They know they can control him. They know they can use him for their own gain. They don't respect him. SS's example of how to treat a spouse is exacty what he did to his girlfriend. The one and only one he has ever had. He abused her. Verbally, emotionally, physically. He can abuse his parents and never be told to stop so why not a SO.?  

Lollybobs's picture

Bedazzled,Piegirl and Sandye21 your comments all really strike a chord. It isn't nice to have a DH who doesn't have your back where the SKs are concerned. In trying to keep both sides happy, everyone loses in the end. Bizarrely though, mine had no problems putting BM in her place very early on and stood firmly by my side in refusing to allow her to cause trouble. So it's not like he doesn't have the balls to do it,  t's just a shame that he couldn't do the same with the SKs. If he had, they might have grown into decent adults and we might have a reasonably functioning blended family instead of the absolute mess we've ended up with.

MissTexas's picture

That. He thinks confrontation has to be this horribly negative thing, when in reality, all you need to do is open your mouth and say something. DH doesn't say anything to BK's or BM. It's a terrible reality when you realize your DH whom you've committed your entire self to,  and  you'd do anything for, does not reciprocate. You are an island unto yourself.

Good luck.