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Today took the biscuit

IWO's picture

I am so tired and feeling so down having gone through major argument that I did not see coming. Over the years with adult skids had some difficult times but never had a row. This on a day when I was already feeling unwell. Too traumatised to go into details but the onslaught on myself was witnessed by other adults inc husband and no one in my corner. I've tried so hard for many years but apparently whatever I do is not enough I will always be the bad guy. Defending myself apparently makes me the aggressive and disagreeable.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

As adult ~ we can chose not to be around people are not sincere ~ if you can't be nice I can't chose not to ever be around you n I should not have to feel guilty.

Veruca can kiss my bright white a$$

sandye21's picture

I know I have told this story a million times, and some people are probably getting pretty sick of it, but what you wrote brought it back - and it still hurts sometimes.

I went through this very thing 3 1/2 years ago - a full meltdown, SD and her husband yelling at me because I nicely asked them to speak up instead of having mumbled sideline conversations while in the same room. DH ran out the door, leaving me to defend myself - alone. I told SD there was a lack of communication on both of our parts but she yelled, "No, it's all you!" I was in such a state of shock that I went into my room rather than defending myself. For over 20 years I was convinced something was wrong with me because SD's rude, sadistic behavior (when Daddy wasn't around) bothered me, and DH's lack of support and action made me feel constantly betrayed. This time though it was different: DH was witness to it and could no longer deny there was a problem. Still, he did nothing.

The next morning I told DH to take them to town and spend all day there. While they were gone I got on the Internet and found this site - Thank God!!! It was so liberating to find out it wasn't my imagination. Rags wrote a wonderful post about how the marriage should be the prime focus. I printed it and gave it to DH to read. He acknowledged it was right but still took no action. With the help of this site I started to believe I actually deserved mutual respect. I banned SD from our home. When DH realized divorce was immanent, he decided to work on the marriage.

You do not owe the skids anything. Your DH is really the problem because he doesn't have his priorities straight. Just because you are outnumbered does not mean you are wrong. Defend yourself because you believe in your heart that you deserve to be treated with respect - and let DH know you will not back down until there is understanding and resolution rather than going back to business as usual. Good luck and (((HUGS)))

SugarSpice's picture

dh never protected me so i had to protect myself with verbal self defence. the skids never expeccted that and were shocked. they never spoke that way to me again knowing i could defend myself quite well.

IWO's picture

Growupplease - so much sense of what you say, but I stupily?Believe Iguess, that if I took on their dad, I had an obligation to try and be on good terms with his, then, teenagers. I was present when he gained final rights to have access to youngest who was still a minor. Stupid thing but just occurred how much he wanted me just to gain access. Guess that is a dead end thought. To be fair I told him from outset nothing would come between me and my family. But since 2 live abroad not a, big threat and whose father, my ex for goodness knows why, has no contact with any of them, I determined he would not break the rest of us as a family. Not easy from long distance but we did it. But my children let alone their spouses would never behave as SDH has.

IWO's picture

Oh bless you. Sadly, Hubbie has Parkinsons and upsets make him ill, I have T2 diabetes stress sends sugar levels into orbit, edpecially as I felt too ill and sad to eat. Been in fb mssage with my daughter in law, who with my sonlived abroad and she pretty muvh said what you guys say. You seevi am such a bad person that my daughter in law loves me to visit and says wish I could stay longer. I have two daughter in laws and son in law and get on well with all. Problem is DH is known as an arrogantly egostical person. But no one says anything, out with the lads on a boozy weekend when his second chiod dur, SD so worried we went to spent time with her. She is a real drama queen and freaks out at drop of hat, always got to be centre of attention (middle child syndrome). I ask hrr children to remove shoes indoors, we all do it and my own toddler grandchildren do. I ask them not to put hsbds on tv screen and little things like that, which my own bio grandchildren know, they are rsised to respect othrr people snd property. Her children may run amoke in their own home, so guess I must not say anything and let destroy our home which as retirees we will not replace be easily. Apparently she's been telling DH that I upset her and make her children cry. Absolutely untrue, we have never rowed before, maybe a few words here and there but she had never got upset and I certainly never made her children cry. So I think she is attention seeking with DH, who incidentally she always moaning about. Quite incidentally, but mean anyway, she and my daugher often exchange children's clothes and toys. Her son is older than my bio grandson and her daughter is a bit younger than my granddaughter. DH promised my bio son a set of toys he loved and her son had out grown, butshe later said DH wanted to sell on ebay. Last time my grandson visited them he asked if he could play with said toys, she got all flustered and said they were put away and she couldn't get them. I guess I'm rambling on and had better stop now, so many little niggles, just as mysrlf and my daughter think, ok SD not that bad she ups and does something or makes comments to change it back. Yesterday, as I said took the biscuit, I had been discussing tv doc and, DH made a comment on it, I turned an said 'No, the problem they say is ....' not in denial of what she said, but simply saying what the outcome of programmes was, which incidentally she had not seen. She jumped out her chair, I thought she'd gone to see to her children, or her phone which is constantly using even when you are talking to her. But she had run off to tell DH and anyone else who would listen that I had shouted at her and she was crying. DH had not even heard what happened, big strapping thirty five year old man, saying don't dhout and my wife sbd childrrn I always get stories of you upsetting her! He pointed at my backdoor and told me to 'get the f**k out' inwas flabberghasted I said 'This is my house- you get the f**k out' and nobody said anything to him! I am told, thst SD told him he should not swaer at me and he deeply regrets it, but he had not told me that or aoplogised, he never will. This man knows nothing about me, sees me a few hours a year at family occasions. He knows I have diabetes and most people thinks it is just a matter of not eating sugar, he knoes hubbie is ill - how dare he come in and talk like that, in front of all the little ones. My grandchildren not used to that kind of thing. It's so terrible, I just can't seem to get over it, I never want to see him again, so heaven knows where that goes for future occasions, the inference was that 'I' wicked step mother ruined their daughter's party! I know I did nothing wrong.

jennaspace's picture

Anyone who says that to you, esp in your home, should not be allowed back in your life for a long, long time, if ever.

IWO's picture

Oh he won't be and I think he knows it - apparently SD told him she thinks he will be banned, but I really don't trust her, she has been proven two faced acting one way with me then moaning behind my bsck. - hubble lets things slip about what she said. Also, it was her story telling that caused the problrm. If there us anything she enjoys it is plsying martyr, always moaning about her husband, who she claims does nothing to help her and wsnts waiting on hand and foot. Come to think of I could tell him a few home truths and if either of them upset me again inwoll. Everyone tellkng me she is so upset and tired. Whst about me being upset, and other countless worries, not least living with her father who is sadly going down hill and not even able to consider our future with his illness and we are both still comparatively young. That DH's threatening rant at meet tool.me right back to.my ex's rages. Horrific, I have felt so ill yodsy and no one will ever tell them, they probably don't care anyway. I was so upset I seriiously thought of leaving.

SugarSpice's picture

in an argument sd told me where to go to h*ll. after that i told her if she was not happy living with dh and me she had to move out (bm threw her out after hs graduation and sd had no place to go) she has not moved back since and i am happy i used boundaries. no one talks to me like that in my own house without a consequence. happily dh backed me up and sd moved out.

IWO's picture

Latest - final ditch attempt. The SD who caused scene told me she read a up on her dad's illness, said we, as a family should arrange to go to PK family group support and we should look into any help he may get. She then referred it on to her sister who asked her dad how he was managing - he said ok. So she messaged me to say that and that she personally could not see any deterioration in his mobility. This is the ssme daughter who told my daughter that she and her sister had been worrying about his driving and offered to assist him with scooping potatoes onto his plate at his birthday bbq, whichhi had arranged for him and them to celebrate together. She said she couldn't see that as a family had issues and could even when explained that it was family to help her dad, she stuck to her guns, even said she did not know how she could to meetings - her husband home every evening her children are 7 and 7 not babies and she has her own car, she got quite snippyand said something along the lines of not knowing what I want her to do. Meetings not even my idea but I am guessing her sister implied it was. Hubby in mean time had a turn on Sunday when out to lunch with his bro and wife. Started shaking and looked really ill - his bro took outside and it seemed to pass. I aaked him how he was later and several times yesterday. He always says ok. Just decided yesterday, I cannot keep stressing over it if none of them are. Kerpong dystance with SDs. I have spent years trying to get on, gradually they have eroded that to point where this jss chsmged my opinion from like to dislike so as my old mum used to say 'never the twain shall meet' as I have to accept we might as well from different planets in our family interactions. Mever going to work after 18 years!

IWO's picture

Latest - final ditch attempt. The SD who caused scene told me she read up on her dad's illness, said we, as a family should arrange to go to PK family group support and we should look into any help he may get. She then referred it on to her sister who asked her dad how he was managing - he said ok. So she messaged me to say that and that she personally could not see any deterioration in his mobility. This is the same daughter who told my daughter that she and her sister had been worrying about his driving and offered to assist him with scooping potatoes onto his plate at his birthday bbq, which i had arranged for him and them to celebrate together. (Also a not to be repeated act, the two of them made such an issue about agreekng date and yomes that i bent over backwards to get right. You would think I'd try do it to make their life difficult instead of for them to celebrate with their dad.) She's said she couldn't see that as a family had issues and could even when explained that it was family to help her dad, she stuck to her guns, even said she did not know how she dud not see how she could get to meetings - her husband home every evening her children are 7 and 6 not babies and she has her own car, she got quite snippyand said something along the lines of not knowing what I want her to do. Meetings not even my idea but I am guessing her sister implied it was. Hubby in mean time had a turn on Sunday when out to lunch with his bro and wife. Started shaking and looked really ill - his bro took outside and it seemed to pass. I aaked him how he was later and several times yesterday. He always says ok. Just decided yesterday, I cannot keep stressing over it if none of them are. Kerpong dystance with SDs. I have spent years trying to get on, gradually they have eroded that to point where this jss chsmged my opinion from like to dislike so as my old mum kused to say 'never the twain shall meet' as I have to accept we might as well from different planets in our family interactions. Mever going to work after 18 years!

Rags's picture

Time to put on the mamma/wife bear suit and lay waste to the toxic StepSpawn. You were asked and agreed to integrate your family with DHs and interface with his then teen children. The no longer exist. Now you are threatened, confronted, and it is now time to destroy the onslaught.

Take the steps suggested by Grownupplease. Most importantly you need to synch closely with your DH and the two of you develop your care plan for his as he progresses with Parknisons. The Skids are on an inform basis only. They are informed. Their opinion is not asked, they do not get a say, and they either engage in calm and caring way or they will be removed from the inform list.

I deal in industry best in class business improvements. A RACI chart would be a good tool for you and DH to put together regarding his care and dealing with his spawn.

R=Responsible (Who is responsible for what)
A=Accountable (Who is accountable for what)
C=Communicate (Who participates in the discussion)
I=Inform (Who is notified but has no R, A, or C. These people get the newsletter, have no say, have no opinion, have no responsibility, and have no accountability) Your StepSpawn are in the "I" category.

Down the left side of the chart are all of the activities/elements of DH's care, wellbeing and likely illness progression.

Across the top is RACI. Fill each column/box of the chart as you and DH discuss how you will both deal with his illness.

The key is managing and controlling the situation. At this stage IMHO the SDs are only informed. Nothing else. If they keep up the bullshit they can be completely removed from the equation.

Good luck.

IWO's picture

Husband will not see wrong in his precious daughters, kmows I am down for stress councelling, is not interested in talking about us making plans for future or wills - he bought house about a yesr before we met. I've been here for 16 years, married 10. SD view this as his house, he has 4 gc I.hsve 5, his income alwsys been higher than mine, but when I met him hr kept on and on for me to move in, I eventually caved. He promised me the world, said he'd look after me, I said always worked and would not be a kept woman. I buy my gc birthday and xmas preents say from both of us and vice versa - he spends more on his than I can afford. But, my gc are always made to thank us both. SD says'say thank you to granddad' - same when they
visit, everything referred to as 'Granddad's! Hubbie now gone back to trying to controll me, keep me from my daughter who incidentally hardly comes here, as not feel welcome. SD say thry wsnt to do v things together with her. But neve follow up. Msny? Many to bore you with. I hsve tried, I really hsve - all worn out. First husband was volatile from a wonderful friend snd lover to raging violence. Had enough - wan so much for this yo work. I see now it never will and my health is starting to suffer. I'm going to have to go. Told hubbie I cannot live like this - result - silence.

IWO's picture

All very good and much appreciated advice. This morning I learned they both visited yesterday, whilst I bsbysat my two yesr old granddaughter at my daughter's home just 3 doors away and they all went out to lunch tskkng jis 2 year old granddaughter, who my grandchildren consider as cousin. The big problem I fear is hubbie, as he backs them to the hilt. Now, I have just told him I will accompany my daughter to Drs tomorrow to sit with children so she can see her Dr. He asked me why I needed to go with her and why I had not told him, I ssid just texted me and said, only if it was. As hubbie and I have nothing arranged. He said I should have consulted him first. Strsnge thing is I usually do, as he has always been fummy about me seeing her, I feel totally overpowered by this family since the event just two weeks ago. Life is getting prettytough with hisbihis illness as it is, I told him thus morning I am very upset about his daughters as I now know how they feel about me, now he is starting to pile on the pressure. I have
Just told him I am reaching end of my tether. He knows inam booked kny for stress councelling. I have Type 2 diabetes this has probably sent sugar levels soaring. I cannot argue any more get stress headache. I have been fighting s cold for 2 weeks and spent 3 weeks in Csnada in Msy when my son who has bipolar disease had a crisis and I have told hubbie how I had to call police in the night as my son was at the local falls and his wife who was home with me was hysterical. My first marriage wss extremely volatile ex hubbe hsd major mood swings, but beginning to feel this is wbrse. Also my hudbsnd rrfuses to make plans gor future or will. The fight is going oit of me just makes me feel ill. I seriously think I have to consider leaving. Keep thinkkng it will be ok, don't want to go through another marriage bresk up, but ....