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Thoughts please on bio mom gets in my space

jamerritt's picture

I would like your thoughts on a recent action of BM getting in my space.

A little background. My husband and myself are victims of BM PAS. At current time my MSD26 has not talked to us in five years now. My YSS21 is on round two of not talking with us and the OSD28 went over a year without talking to us and therefore we did not get two see our one year old grandson for a year & a half and the OSD also had another son during this time that I did not see for first year of his life. We knew OSD was pregnant before the estrangement and were told what they planned on naming the baby which included my DH's surname. (Needless to say the surname got dropped). We are currently working on having a relationship although DH walks on egg shells for fear she will abandon him again. The MSD has two kids we have never seen. We certainly have done nothing that should give us the relationship death sentence. In fact the MSD invited me to her first childs baby shower at the BM's. I really didn't want to go as I was fearful they would take pot shots at me during the shower. My DH was concerned it would be a slap in MSD's face for me not to go. So I decided to go and I made a beautiful diaper tricycle which in itself had many gifts. I went to the shower and must say I prayed the whole way there. (I am a christian and really do pray). To my complete surprise the shower was very nice and everyone (including BM) were very kind. In face BM gave me a hug good bye when I left. On my way home I thanked God that everything went so well. That was five years ago and I have not talked with MSD or BM since. Anyway there is real PAS going on.

Okay, now to what I would like from you. My OSD28 invited me via a social media to attend a public music gathering at a local park. She also invited BM. I graciously declined as I do not want to be anywhere near BM. Later OSD talked to my DH and told him BM would most likely not be going so DH tells her we will go so that we can see the grandsons. The day of the event while we are on our way we get a text message that says BM will be going but later on in the day. I feel that BM found out we were going and decided to go and of course she did not wait till later in the day she high-tailed it up there. When I got there I sat down on the ground with my sister-n-law who went with us. The place is pretty crowed. BM shows up and walks by and say hi to me & I admit I ignored her. Like I said, I want nothing to do with her. So she gets closer, leans down and puts her smiling face within 6 to 8 inches from my nose saying Hiiiiiiii. I just stare at her for a good moment and then turn my head away. She walks off then meanders back and starts a conversation with my SIL who was sitting on the ground right next to me. She says OH! I didn't see you and then chats away with my SIL. She talks to a few others right there in my area then she leaves and I don't see her again. My DH was a talking with the OSD. We stay for a short time and then we also get ready to leave give all our good byes. My DH tells me that OSD (btw she is expecting her third son) told him what the newest grandson's name would be. She is giving the newest grandson my DH first name. I was so excited as I felt she would never do that because BM would really hate that. Later my SIL lets me know that my OSD came up to her during the good byes and thanked her for talking to her mom. BM had gotten upset because I did not talked to her and had to run to her daughter and whine about me and leave because she was so upset.

So I ask you what are your thoughts?

OrangeUGlad's picture

When someone says hello to you, it is rude not to respond. You didn't need to chat it up with her, but hello and then graciously excusing yourself if you see she is going to be hanging around is not too much to expect.

jamerritt's picture

My thoughts exactly. I have been very kind to BM in the past but come to the realization that the best thing is to just stay away from her.

jamerritt's picture

Your right. It was rude for me not to say Hi. There is just so much history (not mentioned) that I just could not even say hello. I have come to the point that I see her as the source of our problems with the kids. The BM hates me and is calculating with her actions. I do appreciate your feed back and can see how rude that appears. I think that would have been my first thought if I was giving someone else feedback on the very same issue. Thank You.

jamerritt's picture

I have had lots of problems with my OSD but really believe she was not trying to stir anything up. Now if we had any kind of relationship with the MSD & it were her that invited us I would agree 100%.

jamerritt's picture

I wish my OSD could of said that but probably never going to happen. I think next time I will let DH go on his own and I will find something else to do besides rub shoulders with any of the haters.

Dizzy's picture

I would have also done what the OP did. Someone lies about me and my DH and tries to make our life hell, they don't get even a blank stare, actually. They get the complete cold shoulder, with me not even looking in their direction when they try to say hi. Seriously. Why do people think that someone "owes" them some "courtesy" when they have gone out of their way to do the exact opposite? Just because they're somebody's BM!?

That BM is lucky she didn't get knocked out getting in the OP's face like that. What a freak.

jamerritt's picture

You make a good point that I really like. Referring to the "just because they're somebody's BM". If I knew this BM as anyone but my step-kids BM and she treated me they way she has I wouldn't give her the time of day let alone put up with her abuse. Thank You

jamerritt's picture

Agreed, hind sight I should have said hello. I just get so TIRED of no mater what I do "I AM THE BAD GUY". I will just follow my gut from here on out regardless of who likes it or not.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

You damned if you do and damned if you don't. You'll never win ~ just as I won't. Even if you declined to attend ~ you'd the bad guy.

Don't sweat it ~ BM is not on your relationship. She is not a player.

I think SD should have expected nothing less than what happened.

jamerritt's picture

That's right! I'll never win. I told my DH that I did not plan to go to the hospital when the OSD gives birth to our 3rd grandson. Told him I do not want to be around BM. He told me that if I don't go I just let her (BM) win. I told him she has already won. She has poisoned the kids and that is why we do not see or hear anything from two of the Step kids. Now BM is starting on the grandkids. The oldest grandson 5 years old let it slip that I am not his real grandma. So it seems the drama goes on like the energizer bunny. I have been married 10 years now.

Poodle's picture

Oh I feel for your with that smile from BM. It must have taken all your strength not to slap her nasty manipulative face. So IMO she was the rude one and you, though not the most perfect performer at that moment, were a model of restraint.
I think you should reframe the notion of "winning" that is in your DH's mind. The battle for popularity with the kids was not between you and her. It was between her and him. They are both scapegoating you in viewing you as one of the contestants. I would re-raise this discussion you had with him saying that it's not a question of you letting her win, it's a question of you opting out of the ring in which they are battling. Tell him you are not his sword and shield.

jamerritt's picture

Thank You Poodle! We had not been at the gathering five minuets when BM showed up. I know I did not say "Hi" but I also know she HATES me and I really believe she wanted to start trouble and continue to play the victim roll. I told my DH that I think she is desperately trying to create a problem so as to encourage OSD to change the name of baby when he arrives. BM can not stand the idea of OSD naming the baby after my DH. This was one of those situations that I new before we got there that the BM would show up while we were there. We did not plan on staying long and we didn't. Maybe we were there about an hour. BM show up within 5 min of us arriving. She was in "MY FACE". 6 to 8 inches is way to close and the real kicker for me is I know that if the table was turned & I did exactly to her what she did me, that would have been the reason she went whining to OSD. She would have told her I got in her face.

Dizzy's picture

6-8" is way too close for people I like to be to my face. LOL. Who does this BM think she is?!

jamerritt's picture

I really am not trying to win anything. I have just come to the revelation that when the light comes on and you realize that your dealing with a wolf who try's to look like a lamb, it is still a wolf. When you know that a person is nothing but TOXIC to your family, why would you want to be around them. There was a time I would say that I agree with your comment of "she is succeeding in making you show your ungracious and insecure side" but not after all we have gone through in ten years. We have done so much for my step kids and they still hate me and they hate their dad. It is hate that makes a daughter not talk to her dad for five years and counting and when you know the root of the problem is from BM poisoning the kids you just want NOTHING to do with her. That is where I am at.

jamerritt's picture

Thank you Rising2. I really appreciate the scripture. Had to immediately look it up as I did not just know it. Thank You again.

Proverbs 25:26 Like a muddied spring or a polluted well
are the righteous who give way to the wicked.

WTF...REALLY's picture

If BM got with in inches of my face and said hiiiiii....I would of sneezed right in her face. Then coughed...a wet cough...then turned my head around and ignored her.

That was past rude to put her face in your face.

jamerritt's picture

That's funny! I actually told my DH today that if she ever did that again I would sneeze and cough.

sandye21's picture

Ya, Her "Hello" appears to be more of a hostile gesture than a welcoming one - like Hanibal Lecter.

MamaFox's picture

Oh would I play that up!

*coughhackcough* Oh! I'M SORRY!!! I just got over strep throat/diphtheria/the plauge/measles/yellow fever! I shouldn't be in public, but I just couldn't miss this! I hope you don't get sick!"

twoviewpoints's picture

I can see this as not an incident of OP being 'rude', but rather she let the BM see her 'blink'.

I mean, I 'get' it, you want nothing to do with the toxic b*tch. No one can or will blame you for that. The lady has earned your dislike and disgust. BUT, you let her see you 'blink' and she took extreme advantage of it. When she came over near you, she said hello to annoy you and force her presence on you to anger you and make you uncomfortable.

I was taught long ago in the 'never let 'em see you blink/never let 'em they can get to you' mode. When she came along and cheekily said hello, a simple straight face steely eyed 'hello' and a shift to show dismissal would have stopped her from being able to escalate the show. It would have left her no room for her next display of getting in your face.

Treat her like the nobody she is, but in the same breathe don't let her know she can get to you and her stupid childish behavior isn't going to intimidate you or cause or day/outing to be ruined. 'Blink' and she'll toy with you. You 'blinked'.

jamerritt's picture

Thank you Skeeter. I had a similar "table type" situation. My MIL passed away and BM came to the funeral. Before the funeral begins, I am at the casket with my SIL and here comes BM right up as if she entitled. During the funeral I am sitting with my DH and then the family gets up to go to the front to be greeted by the attending guests. I stay back at my seat to wait for BM to get through the line and when she does I go & stand with my DH. Afterwards I go back to my seat and BM is sitting at my seat and my purse is under the seat. I have to reach under BM legs to retrieve my purse. During the whole thing she is getting in my space.