Text from SD
OSD texted DH Yesterday. She is missing out on seeing her siblings grow up (she is friends with BD on FB and saw a cute little selfie she snapped with toddler BS is what I'm thinking brought this on, in addition to not receiving a big ole box of christmas because she is done with me. which is her choice. but it is also my choice not to shop for her or her kids, or wrap it, or mail it, or remind husband to do it. Because I don't shop for people who don't like me) and he didn't...because he's a typical male and doesn't think about it!) and how her dad and siblings are missing out on being aunts/uncles and a grandparent. And asked if he would be open to a visit. Immediate pit in stomach. Now I realize this is not about me. It isn't. But, my DH is in a fast paced job right now. We are currently stationed on east coast, and SD is in Midwest. He wants to text her and ask what she has in mind, which I suspect will be him and "her siblings" making the journey to her state, getting a hotel, and "bonding" over dinners out or in the hotel hot tub. While I stay home. I told him I don't want to stop any visit, but I'm also not willing to budget any exclusionary visits with family finances. That she was more than welcome to make the trip here to bond with her family. But that she would need to be cordial with me. He agreed and says we need to take her at face value. I just don't want him (or us) sucked into planning a nice staycation for her, which is what will happen if he asks her what she has in mind. If its important to her, she will get in car and come see him, in my opinion. It isn't reasonable, in my opinion, to expect somebody to go on vacation without their spouse. Not that she stated that in the text, but my own mission, by including everyone but me, implies that she isn't eager to see me. I just feel, that by asking her what she has in mind, it's kind of opening it up for her to be the one to set the boundary. I feel a lot better if my husband were the one to set the boundary. He is a fabulous guy. He is the first to admit that he takes everything anyone says they haven't case value. I, being a woman, and being a stepmother who is been burned on numerous occasions, sometimes tend to read into what people say. Especially my stepdaughters. Over the past eight months, this board has been really helpful to me. I'm curious as to your opinions and thoughts on this. Hope everybody has a great day!
I think that your prespective
I think that your prespective is the way to go. Your DH seems to agree with you. DH should give his DD a call and tell her to come visit with her kids any time.
Then the onus is on her to engage.
If she actually does show up and depending on how that goes the next time you may want to try a mid way point to meet with everyone paying for their own rooms, etc...
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Ummm...Thanks for that,
Ummm...Thanks for that, captain obvious. And, your point is? Last I checked, we are still happily married, so this tidbit applies to this situation how exactly?
"I told him I don't want to
"I told him I don't want to stop any visit, but I'm also not willing to budget any exclusionary visits with family finances. That she was more than welcome to make the trip here to bond with her family. But that she would need to be cordial with me." Good for you! Accept nothing less than mutual respect.
So, he finally contacted her.
So, he finally contacted her. That took some encouraging. I kind of broke my disengaged code. Love the man but the first sign of confrontation he AVOIDS. Has been doing that since they were little. Did he love them? Yes. But the ex made calling them painful, so my role has always been "contact your kids!" Since we were dating 18 years ago. I dont think the steps realize how much i did to facilitate that relationship, honestly. i never expected pats on the back for it but i dont think they have banked on how it would go with me out of the picture. i digress! Anyway, I just felt she was owed some kind of response, and he needed to lob the ball back into her court. So he said to her, via text (I know, I know, he can't pick up the phone) that we would love to have her, and look forward to having a nice visit. To let us know when and we would arrange schedules.
So...that was two days ago, and he's heard nothing back.
And we've all gone back to living our lives...
Priceless SA! How old is he,
Priceless SA! How old is he, 5? "My mommy does a lot for you guys so you better appweciate it"! Boo- freakin-hoo!lol
I'm also on other side of
I'm also on other side of coin, with a stepmom. She's now deceased, and my dad, to this day, talks about how much she loved me and and my brother just as her own...That was CLEARLY not the case and if she were alive she would probably agree that no, she didnt love us the same. but thats just my dad looking at things through rose colored glasses because its easier. i also think he is getting older (early 70s) and he believes how he wants to believe. i dont think hes malicious about it, just that his recollection of events differs dramatically from mine. not worth the trouble of setting him straight. At some point it's fine to call a spade a spade. I'm all for having a pleasant relationship. I've known those kids since they were little. They have spent quite a bit of time with me and me alone. Husband has deployed numerous times and they would spend their six weeks of summer with me, and every other weekends when we were stationed in same state. Lots of great memories with them when they were little and bm needed a babysitter...but over the years I WAS the one who filled the role of Disney dad, oddly enough. I think it had ALOT to do with the shitty circumstances I endured as a stepchild. I didn't want to be that way and I bent over backwards to accommodate...whether that be fun vacations, or encouraging my husband to step up. Like I said, I don't expect a pat on the back from them in regards to my role in facilitating things with their dad. Nor would I ever tell them that I've had to literally nag him to do the right thing. in general, men are not the nurturing types. My husband less so then others, probably. It just doesn't occur to him to even do so, in most cases...and I perpetuated that by being super stepmom for 17 years..I did some crazy stuff, guys. like giving an 18 year old sd my brand new, paid off car. Yes, I did this, dh was like, really, honey? Are you sure? But I was ALL IN!!!! always the over compensator. See? I love you just the same!!! I never dreamed they'd resent me for anything, because I would have given both my pinky toes to have a stepmom like me!
but these situations are complicated, and it just didn't work out that way. Sure wish I could start over and do it again. My advice to myself 17 years ago? Take a huge step back. Not your problem. You can't fix the world. You can't even fix your small part of it. But I put all my chips in...and here we are.
And another thing with the
And another thing with the day's being the nurturing types (or not)...I think in my intact family, with my bios, it isn't like dad is the one picking out gifts or planning birthday parties, or kissing owwies. He's a great dad, but in general, mom's are the ones who do connecting on that level. Dad's in divorce situations, especially with volatile ex wives, are completly at a loss as to what to do. I know, putting a birthday gift in the mail ain't rocket science...but it goes beyond that. I know, for my guy at least, he just did not know how to develop a real, meaningful relationship with these children who were being told by his ex on a daily basis that he was a scumbag deadbeat dad (he's never missed a child support payment) who abandoned her for me (we didn't know each other) and loves his new family more (he didn't and doesn't, but in all honesty the relationships with us are easier and we have the benefit of geographical proximity). This happened since they were toddlers, this was her mantra. In fact, first time I met OSD she was a preschooler. We were stationed out of state at the time and drove in, did the court thing (visitation denial) and she got in the car...we stopped to fill up gas tank and dh was outside pumping gas and this cute little four year old tells me "Daddy's first name (she trained them to call him by his first name when they were little) is a liar." Just as casual as can be. Not rude. not nasty. just that billy bob is a liar. DH ALWAYS took the high road, ALWAYS hoped she would snap out of it and the kids would see the truth one day. Well, so far that hasn't happened. in fact, they now believe this crap she has planted...nasty little seeds to plant in your own kids, IMO. Anyway, I think that high friction with them and their mom freaked him out and he just did not know how to address it, especially as they got older and became prescribing more to bm's way of thinking. If that makes any sense. And I'm not making excuses for him, but when they were around, they were (the younger one, more so than the older one) very watchful, very much not participating but more observing so they could report back to mom every word, every detail, etc. hard to bond when momma bear is going to pick apart everything you say. So he just left a ton unsaid.
This very much makes sense
This very much makes sense and is similar to my situation. I can identify with the "watch and report" kind of behavior. I am certain BM knows many, many details about our lives and home because I'm sure she asked them in her manipulative way. Conversely, the skids were masters as side-stepping any kind of question whenever their father tried to learn more about them. Even simple things like how things were going in school. It was always, "Fine." No elaboration, no further discussion. For many years, they never even mentioned the man (BM's beau) who was living in the house with them!
This sums up my experience
This sums up my experience also. As in my case sometimes nasty BMs and grown adult skids constant criticism and nastiness ends up making our h's not want to contact them. My h has told me numerous times that is why he doesn't contact his adult children. It's not a pleasant experience. He is in close contact with our bios instead because they make it a positive and not a negative experience.
I think that we would all benefit from also considering the fact that we would probably have a problem with any relative inlaw etc that made it clear that they did not want to see our spouses. It makes getting together sooo difficult when you exclude someone as close as a spouse.
I wonder how an adult stepchild would feel if dad informed them that he would only be willing to,get together without SM if SDs spouse was also required to disappear because dad never really liked him anyway.
YUP!!!! Exactly why I'm done
YUP!!!! Exactly why I'm done and disengaged. On one hand, heartbreaking to think I've cut someone who once meant the world to me out of my life. But what alternative do I have? I'vm so much more realistic with my expectations of them, and of everyone else in my life now.
Sambolina your approach in
Sambolina your approach in your post is spot on. I don't think you have anything to worry about, esp since you haven't heard back lol.
Yeah, husband thinks she
Yeah, husband thinks she figured he would buy a plane ticket to go to her state on the spot. But, he did go out there in June by himself for a long weekend for a graduation. And we aren't made of money, and his days off are few and far between, on top of all the other nonsense,