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NoBigDeal's picture

SD only calls to vent her misery of living with bio ex "her mom".   Horrible screamer of obscenities,  demeaning attitude towards everyone.   

Calls to imply things.  But never come right out and say them.  Invites herself to our trips to (where SHE WANTS TO GO).   The other day she called ask are (you coming to (HER FAVORITE PLACES)  this fall.  As we had planned.   Shes 3k miles away.   DH said no (covid19) . SD said she was in need if a vacation to get away from drunk drama.   Dh said you've got to get out if there.  Sd is 23.  Works 4 hours a day when she wants to.  Cant even afford a cell phone bill.   DH said maybe you can call (her uncle)  that lives at her favorite place  and vacation with  him.  Then dh said maybe  you can fly out to see dad?  We live in a beach state.  She said no.  He said "your that afraid to fly?"   

Get this....when the conversation turned to....SD . cone to see. DAD... she had to go   IN OTHER WORDS DADS NOT COMING TO ME  AT MY FAVORITE STATE,  and not paying for my vacation , then I didn't get my way. I'm hanging up now.

Pluss  if she came to visit  DAD then she'd be forced to see me.  She would be out if her comfort ZONE.   Would be FORCED to take her place as quest,  and daughter.   No longer THE CENTER IF ATTENTION.   

I absolutely insist that DH and I go to (State).....just he and I my first time there.  See all the sights HE AND I ALONE.  This state was where his family is, where he grew up, went to school, and lived for most of his life.   This state is also where his "first family,  ex and kids vacationed ".   So my first trip there I don't want to hear the (enmeshed SD) conversation  remember when WE THIS THAT.  Not my first trip there, and not my first meeting her.   

She refuses to come to her Dad, refuses to acknowledge me, and always invites herself to our trips there.  Fortunately all those trips have been canceled.   

But hes gradually letting her know its WE.  She's becoming a real problem to US.  

Any suggestions?

NoBigDeal's picture

By the way she has flown several times.   She just wants to go to this STATE  and DAD pay for everything.   She can't afford any trips.   Bio wont be traveling anytime soon because of unemployment and injury. So shes not going to get a free trip this year.  She doesn't  really give 2 sh____s about her dad.  Such a manipulator.  

Survivingstephell's picture

She's 23 and if she wants a better life, she can get off her lazy butt and work for one. Hopefully her father can make that clear to her and will recognize her wallet sucking ways.  

NoBigDeal's picture

He says she never asks for anything.  But that is simply not true.  She BAITS him.  I sure do need a vacation, once she said.  Let's go to "blank" I'll pay for everything.  Hes like cool, knowing she couldn't pay for a coke.  That trip got shot  down, 1.  Because I wasn't included.   2.  When I pitched a fit he then said I could fly out after a few days and meet them.  3. I've never flown and have panic claustrophobia.  I was livid to say the least.  Thank God it never developed,  

That was a deal breaker.  She invited herself to follow us on the second leg of another trip.  We were staying 8 days with her and SS and cousin,  then driving to (her favorite state).  She invited herself along after I had made it very clear it was JUST US.  She pouted.

I'm afraid DH isn't going to set that BOUNDARY. 

She expects him to always TRAVEL to see her.  We are aging. Hes got to tell her get your own life we've got ours. 

Bio mom and DH catered to her every trip desire. They even took her to Vegas on bday 21. Left me out of the trip completely.  I wasn't allowed to go and meet her.  That was 7 months into our dating.  We were engaged.  

I couldn't go because of psycho ex would go bat crazy and ruin sd birthday.  NEVER AGAIN. I VOWED NEVER AGAIN.  so they celebrated 21 birthday gambling (shes addicted).  Went to dinner as a family while I sat home. 

I'm not going to tolerate this enmeshedment.  I can see this is causing him great stress.  He feels obligated to go to see her, he feels obligated to include her in "OUR TRIPS". ... She said  she would  drive to see . 5 days for 5 days?  5 days back that was bait for can I come stay with you dad.  Hell no, hell no.  

Never ever. She doesn't like me, never will, cousin doesn't like me loyal to ex bio mom, son a junkie.  Thank God they are on the other end if the country.




Mountains's picture

My SD (61) did that same crap... never directly asked for money but hinted and manipulated. "I tried to run the other day but my shoes so old and can't afford a new pair". Or "My DH won't let me get new prescription glasses" (the hubs had set a budget for her glasses). "We can't afford to come visit you unless we stay with you and cook all our meals".... those are just a few examples.

It took a while for my DH to see and hear what was being done but once it clicked, he stopped responding.  And just like that, she stopped calling even on Father's Day.

Harry's picture

Get out of BM house for nine hours , as at work. Then she would have money to go anyplace she wants to go to. By herself,   At 23 going on 24,  You do not have to take her on your vacation. And wine and dine her.  That what's BF are for, 

You Need to make your DH understated that SD  Christmas, New Years , summer,  joy ride is over.  From now on all vacations will only be DH and you only.  

Rags's picture

I applaud that you are maintaining and protecting the sanctity of your marriage. DH's failed family experience and his invasive daughter from that failed family have no place in your marriage.  My DW and I have been on several just us vacations to locations where we both have had enjoyable vacations with our own families and in prior relationships.  There is no need for the past to invade that experience that you have together beyond "Look at this.  I have always loved .........." No need to mention the failed family or allow an ill behaved adult Skid to disrupt your trip.

NoBigDeal's picture

I love your words Rags. Eloquent verbiage for my future  the part failed family experience INVADE my trip.  Or failed first family,  invading my current life.  THE invasive SD.  Another person sai . She needs a boyfriend to take her somewhere. 

DH just doesn't see what's shes doing.   Or does he?  I feel bad she puts him in the middle.  I have no problem with visiting her or her visiting us. But like you said Dont INVADE my life. 

Rags's picture

I would say that DH absolutely does see what she's doing. It is just less painful for him to ignore it than address it. Keeping our partner's head in the game and forcing them to have clarity is often a critical element to our life's happiness and the quality of our equity life partnership.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of you.

NoBigDeal's picture

Apparently keeping his head in the game is affecting him  "with anxiety"  and depression.   Literally medically.   Now the stress has invaded the "Quality " of our relationship.   Hes so medically affected he's having anxiety and mild panic attacks.   I suggested going back to counseling.  I love him and I didn't see this coming.  The mental health part. He is definitely enmeshed,  and codependent. and now he knows it and the fixing it has him so stressed he's just (locked up over it). With drawn and locked up. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Oh boy.  I feel for you, having to deal with this breakdown on his part. Don't fall into any traps he sets for you to enabling him to stay where he is at.  He needs to separate from SD. Is this where she learned it from , her father?  Do you have a therapist to help you stay focused on you thru this?   

NoBigDeal's picture

Well he recently mentioned something we discussed in counseling about the 23 sd.  I believe it's what your referring to as allowing him to stay where he is enabling and enmeshed.   1.  He is fully aware he was enabling and so he stopped.   But now he feels guilty.  He read a book on the subject.   Admitted he was part if the problem.  2.  The bio ex continues to enable, let's her live at home free, etc. Bio mom is alcoholic,  narcissistic and mentally ill I believe.   3. SD 23 got the manipulation I think from them both,  but she is more like her narcissist mom. She lied to him DH  thursday about getting a phone.  She said the phone store was closed. its not,  I called it's been open for weeks.  She owes a large phone bill she couldn't pay, but gambles, and buys 108.00 shirts.  

I have a counseling appt, I ask him to attend but he declined.  After he shared with the SD he thought he was depressed and thought he needed to see a counselor,  before he even shared those feelings  with me.  I called him out on that.  I said you over shared personal things with her you've failed to share with me.  That's enmeshedment and miniwife stuff.  

I'm finding he cant handle constructive criticism,  he cant handle the truth if what hes doing. I told him I cant be his counselor because he will resent me for what I say, but a counselor will tell him what I'm telling him.  And That's  PROBABLY WHY HE WONT GO anymore.   Even though he told her about it.   

I'm thinking he told her that to get his "Narcistic Fix".  His narcistic SUPPLY.  She would feel sorry for him, she would call him more,  he would get poor daddy attention.   Where I give him hard cold  facts and truth.  I'm loving, affectionate. and try to keep light happy moods while also telling him truth.  

Hes got to step up.  But like an alcoholic or drug addict I can't make him do it.  Hes hot to do it.  

But your right I wont be silent when I see dysfunctional behavior.   I'm not going to tolerate it quietly.