Stressing about 31 year old step daughter living with us
How do others deal with the stress of a step adult daughter living in your house? My step daughter is almost 33. I can’t stand the spoiled & entitled brat that she is & I hate being around her. It seems like she does things just to irritate me. She’s never really tries to get along with me, so now we try to avoid each other. I can’t wait till my husband gives her a date that she has to move out. I’ve told him how I feel, but he’s still stalling on talking to her & giving her a move out date. She has worked full time for years & pays him just $150.00 in rent a month, so she should have enough to buy a house. She has never lived on her own, but definitely needs to be pushed. I feel when she moves out, I will finally be happy & able to relax & enjoy being at home & feel like I have privacy even just talking on the phone. Over two & a half years of her living with us is driving me crazy.
What do you do to cope with your adult step adults that are living with you? I feel I don’t get things done a lot due to the stress & feeling down much of the time. I hate that it affects me like that & I want to gets things done.
When you have a problem with your adult step adult who lives with you, do you deal with them directly or have their parent discuss the issue with them instead?
Thank you!!!
Correction, the step daughter
Correction, the step daughter is currently 32, not 31. Sorry
Is she a mini wife?
Provided there's no extenuating circumstances, I don't think it's normal to have an adult child in their thirties living with their parents. Did she live with your H before you married, or did she move back in for some reason? We need more info in order to get a better read on the situation.
Your H is your real problem, and it's he who would need to implement change. Problem is, he's got his TWO wives living with him, and probably likes it. And the question is, which of you is he more afraid of losing? You may need to be willing to walk away in order to be happy.
No way would I be willing to subsidize another adult, and it smells to high heaven that your H, who should be focused on funding his retirement and enjoying you, is fine doing so.
Yes
Yes, she already lived with my husband first. No reason for her to keep living with us though. Time for her to get her own place.
oh wow i dont know how you do
oh wow i dont know how you do it !!! it would annoy me having my own kid at that age live at home still . Have you spoken with your DH? does the skid help out with household stuff as an adult and do you all still foot the bill for all the food etc ? i would be makng things incredibly uncomfortable for her that she will willingly go. My son is 19, great young man, great job and spends most of his time at his GF's house , however when i think they are hanging around too much i start making it uncomfortable for them and they quickly get the hint and leave. Simple things like private wifi passwords , not buying any groceries that they like , continuously handing them the vacuum and mop to do etc etc
Yes, I have spoken with my
Yes, I have spoken with my husband, but need another talk to seriously set a move out date for her. She buys most of her own groceries.
OP, I have read your other
OP, I have read your other posts previously.
It sounds like you are no further forward in getting the SD out of the house, and I feel for you, I really do.
But this is on your husband. He should have dealt with this long ago.
Thank you
Thank you for your support!!! I appreciate it!!! I have to speak with my husband to demand a move out date for her.
Honestly, you probably need
Honestly, you probably need to decide when you will move out if she isn't gone and let him know that. There is clearly some reason he has her there and hasn't asked her to leave. Most parents would have pushed her out long ago.
Obviously it's not as simple as just giving her a date to leave or he would have done that. If you aren't prepared to leave him, I'd suggest marriage therapy, because this guy clearly does not want what you want.
I agree.
I agree, we will go to counseling if needed.
How do others deal with the
How do others deal with the stress of a step adult daughter living in your house?
I wouldn't deal with it (would have never moved in).
Have you asked your husband why he has not launched her, yet? It's way past time.
There is a reason he continues to have her live there. I would find out why.
Are you prepared to move out and get your own place?
He hates confrontation & so do I.
When he does tell her I’m sure she’ll be upset & crying. I’m sure he doesn’t want to upset her. She does need to grow up & giving her a date, then she finally will start to grow up.
I would not allow my own bio
I would not allow my own bio's to move in or anyone else for that matter.
Edit to add---I am sorry about this. You may have to make serious decisions moving forward.
Thank you
Thanks, I appreciate the support!!!
You have been asking the same
You have been asking the same question since you got here. I'm not sure what you expect to be different. No this isn't normal. You need to get your SO on your side & move her out. We have no magical cure (goddess don't we all wish we did). Your SO seems very unlikely to push her out of the nest at 32. That means you either accept it & move on, declare war (I always liked blue dye in the shampoo) which is unlikely to be effective or move out yourself & move on without SO.
To Simifan, no reason to be
To Simifan, no reason to be rude. Just trying to get support for what I’m going through. My post is not exactly the same. I’m not one to rush for a divorce, just trying to get support as I work through things.
I am sympathetic to your
I am sympathetic to your situation. I couldn't stand living with my OWN 30-something child and I love her more than anything.
I am going to be blunt, though. You've posted about this same thing several times. What, if anything, has changed? If your SO won't do anything, what are YOU willing to do? If he won't do anything, then YOU must. You can give her a move out deadline, or you can give yourself one. Your other option is acceptance. Take your pick.
I have brought her up to him,
I have brought her up to him, but didn’t demand a move out date for her to be set, but I need to.
Nothing will change until you
Nothing will change until you are perfectly clear about your expectations. Do it ASAP. Don't waste any more time. Your DH deserves to know how you feel.
Thanks
I have spoken with him about how I feel & when she should be out by, but didn’t demand anything yet. He certainly knows what I’ve been going through dealing with her & how upset it makes me.
Sounds like it's ultimatum
Sounds like it's ultimatum time... Your DH is going to think that you've accepted the idea of her staying if you don't light a fire under him every single day.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Yes, it is time to put your
Yes, it is time to put your foot down. Your husband needs to give her the "moving out" talk.
She's not going to take the initiative so print out some property listings, have a real estate agent get in contact with her, take her to some open houses, whatever it takes to move this along. If she wants to buy, that can take time to find the right place, at the right price, so it's time to get started.
When I had decided to buy a house, I procrastinated (I did live in my own apartment, though, not with my dad and his wife), it can be daunting and overwhelming. My dad's wife knew a realtor and gave her my number, it was just what I needed to get the ball rolling and I was thankful that she did that, as who knew when I would have been ready if left to my own devices.
No one has to be mean about it but she obviously does need a push (as does your husband, apparently).
Thanks
Thank you, I agree. I will talk with him again this week.
So how did it go?
So how did it go?
Discussing issues is not
Discussing issues is not necessarily confrontation. I do not like or enjoy confrontation either. However, over the years I have learned that being assertive is not the same thing as being confrontational.
I have also learned that what gets focused on gets fixed. If no one will speak of a problem to the person perpetrating the problem nothing will change.
IMHO it is time to start the regular questioning of SD-33 on her launch plan. Start driving to increasingly deep dive detail a minimum of once a week for 4 weeks. Then escalate to 2-3 times per week. Then escalate to the daily deep dive Q&A with SS. Inform DH of the discussion content every evening during your 1:1 SD launch review brief discussion.
Keep adding more and more points of contact with SD on her departure and with DH on his ownership of getting her out ASAP.
The more this is discussed, the less I am team EOY and more I am team GTF out now. She has been squatting in YOUR marital home for three+ years as I understand it. It is long past her GTF out date.