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Strange Photo Phenomenon...

2Tired4Drama's picture

I am pretty much disengaged from Adult SD32 and her clan but I've noticed something odd since she had her kids.

Her father (my SO) has to ASK for pics of the grandskids and she typically uses the excuse that her phone was out of power/she didn't have any on her phone/she has to see what her DH has, etc. 

Then when she gets around to sending them they are always these awful, blurry phone pics and videos. Half the time it's of the back or top of the kids' heads where you can barely glimpse their faces. My SO shows these to me and I usually make some noncommittal remark, "Oh, cute!" because I don't want to get into discussions about them nor do I want to comment about what lousy photos they are - I have to remember to disengage, disengage, disengage. 

Over the years, I have noticed that SD does post professional family photos on her public-facing page so I know they have "good" family photos and good photos of the grandkids. SD has never, not once, send her father one of these pictures taken at birthdays and holidays. SD is well aware her father is not on FB so would not see these pics. She has never sent her father any physical photos either. This Christmas, it was a bunch of hand-painted kid "arts and crafts" but not a single photo of them. 

One of the kids had a birthday and yet again, SO had to ASK for her to please send a pic or two of the grandkids. Once again, she used the excuse that her phone ran out of power so she didn't have any but when she got a chance she would get some from her DH and send to SO. 

She then sends him a couple of blurry, crappy phone photos which he showed me.  I immediately noticed the kids were quite dressed up in fancy clothes which I am assuming because they did some sort of professional family photo again.

I really don't understand why SD is so averse to sending her dad good pics of her kids?  Then something dawned on me - I am certain that BM is present for most of these events so she is probably prominently featured in many of the pictures. Or maybe she is the one who istakes the photos herself and doesn't want to "share" any of them, knowing they will be going to SO. 

Yet that still does not answer why SD doesn't send him one of the professional shots. I just don't get it.  Unless of course, BM is paying for all the professional photo shoots (probably as a "gift" to SD and family) so she can have control, saying she doesn't want any of them shared with SO. 

In either case, BM's parental alienation took very deep roots and SD still does not think of her father as her parent, thus he is not worthy of being treated like a grandparent either.  For those with adult skids who have not yet had kids, it bears mentioning that parental alienation is a contagious disease and will be passed down generations.  Be forewarned. 

Fundamentally, I think it's a shame that grandpa still does not have a single decent photo of the grandskids. Not one.  Nothing he can proudly show others since they are such blurry, horrible quality. And I know it breaks his heart. Which is always hard to watch...


Nette5's picture

Go take the pictures off Facebook. You can save them to your device & print some from there unless there are watermarks on them marking them as professional. Without the watermarks, sending them to be printed online & shipped to your house should not get flagged, but if it does, pick different pictures from her Facebook.

Even without printing, you can save them & send them to your SO phone so he can have them & show the pictures off that way. 

What SD doesn't know won't hurt her.

2Tired4Drama's picture

being "disengaged" means I am not going to make any effort, especially to do what SD should be doing herself.  I used to do things like this, to try and minimize her neglect, but I'm done with that. 

It is a good suggestion if it were simply a case of occasional oversight. But this is intentional neglect/ignoring of her father. 

SeeYouNever's picture

It's probably just a power game, she makes him ask and won't let him have any nice pictures. Never forget who is in control. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

But I also think that the parental alienation is the foundation. If kids are taught from a very young age that their father (and his family) are not important nor worthy, then that's what the kid believes.  Sometimes when kids become adults they see through this alienation, and will take a different approach. Not SD.  BM firmly holds the only reins to parenthood  - as well as the significant cash flow. 

JRI's picture

YSS54 has 3 daughters and has always lived out of town.  When the 2 oldest kids were growing up, he was very affluent.  We received some professional pictures when they were about 3 and 5.  I displayed them in the living room where all the GK pictures are.  Years went by and one day, I asked DIL if schools still took pictures, hint, hint, so she sent school pictures of them at about 12 and 14.   I replaced the 3 and 5 age pictures.  Those were the last we received.

Flash forward when the SKs were cleaning out their dead SF's house to prepare for sale.  They had to temporarily store some things here.  Included were at least 5 large cartons crammed full of framed, professional pictures of the kids.

Why none were ever sent here is puzzling.  YSS and I have a somewhat distant relationship but he loves DH.  Oh well.

2Tired4Drama's picture

In that case, perhaps it was just a case of oversight.  Or, like many men, he assumed his wife would be in charge of sending photos to grandparents. Looks like they did send them to BM and SF, but didn't send to your DH and you.  Not sure if the relationship with DIL had any bearing on your situation ... was she close with BM?

JRI's picture

I'm sure exDIL was closer to BM.  BM often traveled to babysit and I have a feeling BM was showing her best side and toning down her volatility.  But DIL seemed fine with us, too, when we visited.  Who knows.  BM is dead now and DIL and YSS have split.  It's all in the past but your post reminded me of how surprised I was when I saw carton after carton of grandkid pictures coming in.  Steplife....

notarelative's picture

Photos. Who knows why people do what they do.

SD2 had her baby just after DH retired. She asked DH to care for the baby while she worked (part time). Son-in-law would drop off the baby and SD2 would pick up.

One day when picking up the baby SD2 gives DH two wallet sized pictures of the baby. DH put them on the chest in the room with the baby things. Next day I go looking for them and can't find them.  Search the house without success. A week later one picture shows up exactly where DH had put them. The only thing I can figure is that son-in-law saw them, took them, and returned only one. SD2 didn't have permission to leave two pictures here. I'm not a relative so wallet pictures are not for me. 

simifan's picture

I'd make a big deal out of them & print them out & frame them on the walls and give some to DH to put in his office. But i'm petty like that.