Stepson who has addiction and no ambition
I am at my wits end. I told my Fiance that our relationship was going to end because he refuses to stop enabling his son and does not correct him when he speaks badly of me.
In 2008 I started dating this man. He adopted another woman's child, he was in a long-term committed relationship with her but they were never married. She moved to another state with the boy in 2006. My Fiance is very well off and would fly his son to see him for the entire summer. When I met his son, I could tell right away he was a problem. He was disrespectful to his father, he would talk poorly about him to me and trash his father's house, not to mention bring pot into the home. His father is so desperate to have a relationship with him, he never corrected his bad behavior. When his son would leave to go back to his Mom's, my Fiance would constantly get notifications from school that his son was failing and skipping school. He barely passed high school.
After high school, my Fiance offered to pay for his college education and he decided to go into the ARMY, which I thought was great, that it would make a "man" of him. Unfortunately, the two years he spent in the service was filled with drinking and drugs, he never communicated with his father the entire two years, or his family on his father's side. Then out of the blue, he calls his father and wants to come home after an 8 month deployment to Afghanistan, his father spent 3k to fly him home for two weeks. The first night in the house was when the real problem began. I came home unannounced and smelled pot in the house, it was a very strong smell. I went to his room and found a synthetic pot mixture all over the bed and in his backpack. I was extremely upset considering my then 16 year old was asleep in the room next to him, when I called my firefighter/paramedic friend and told him what I found, he was concerned about my daughter's condition because even breathing that in could cause respitory distress. I was beyond angry and called my fiancé who was out to lunch with his son. When they came home I told my fiancé what I found and when my fiancé asked me what I wanted to do about it, I told him to get him out of the house, my fiancé brought him to a hotel (and paid for it) where he stayed for the rest of his visit. My fiancé wouldn't do anything about it nor was he concerned about my daughter's safety, that night he actually took his son to the movies and out to eat leaving me home crying and upset cleaning up the mess and trying to get the smell out. Anyways, to make a long story short...after his son left things got better but then shortly thereafter he left, he was discharged from the ARMY. I have a feeling he failed a drug test but he told my fiancé it was due to depression. So he moved in with some Army buddies of his and continued to party and drink and smoke pot. I recently seen messages on FB that he sent my fiancé to tell my fiancé to tell me to go "F" myself. When I questioned my fiancé about it, he told me his son was entitled to his opinion of me! I was flabbergasted. On top of that, I find out that my fiancé has been sending him money, yet he posts pictures on FB of himself drunk and passed out and paying to fly his girlfriend down. Then we started to talk about wedding plans and when I told him I didn't want his son there because of his behavior and attitude toward me, he said then my children couldn't be there, when I asked why, he said he didn't want to explain to his family why I didn't want his son there because he didn't want them to think less of me! I couldn't believe it. I have not received an apology from this kid, nor do I want to see him or be around him. I don't think I should be subjected to this kid at all. The only time he calls his Dad/my Fiance is when he wants money, no birthday cards, Christmas cards, calls to say hello, nothing!
I don't want to hurt my fiancé but in the same token, I don't think I can spend my life with him if he's going to let his kid walk all over me, continue to send him money to enable his bad habits and not show respect for me by telling this kid not to talk badly about me. Our parenting is definitely different. My Fiance grew up in a great home, I just don't understand why he continues to let this kid walk all over him and treat him so poorly just to have a relationship with him. He isn't even his biological kid!
I don't know what I should do, we've seen a therapist and the therapist said that my Fiance needs to maintain a relationship with him because of his addiction issues and be there for him, but when is enough, enough? He's 22 and if he's not in school, he shouldn't be asking his Dad for money and acting like a 16 year old. Time to grow up at some point.
Need advice....I really think this is the end of my relationship with my fiancé and I'm devastated.