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Stepson who has addiction and no ambition

FrustratedFiance68's picture

I am at my wits end. I told my Fiance that our relationship was going to end because he refuses to stop enabling his son and does not correct him when he speaks badly of me.

In 2008 I started dating this man. He adopted another woman's child, he was in a long-term committed relationship with her but they were never married. She moved to another state with the boy in 2006. My Fiance is very well off and would fly his son to see him for the entire summer. When I met his son, I could tell right away he was a problem. He was disrespectful to his father, he would talk poorly about him to me and trash his father's house, not to mention bring pot into the home. His father is so desperate to have a relationship with him, he never corrected his bad behavior. When his son would leave to go back to his Mom's, my Fiance would constantly get notifications from school that his son was failing and skipping school. He barely passed high school.

After high school, my Fiance offered to pay for his college education and he decided to go into the ARMY, which I thought was great, that it would make a "man" of him. Unfortunately, the two years he spent in the service was filled with drinking and drugs, he never communicated with his father the entire two years, or his family on his father's side. Then out of the blue, he calls his father and wants to come home after an 8 month deployment to Afghanistan, his father spent 3k to fly him home for two weeks. The first night in the house was when the real problem began. I came home unannounced and smelled pot in the house, it was a very strong smell. I went to his room and found a synthetic pot mixture all over the bed and in his backpack. I was extremely upset considering my then 16 year old was asleep in the room next to him, when I called my firefighter/paramedic friend and told him what I found, he was concerned about my daughter's condition because even breathing that in could cause respitory distress. I was beyond angry and called my fiancé who was out to lunch with his son. When they came home I told my fiancé what I found and when my fiancé asked me what I wanted to do about it, I told him to get him out of the house, my fiancé brought him to a hotel (and paid for it) where he stayed for the rest of his visit. My fiancé wouldn't do anything about it nor was he concerned about my daughter's safety, that night he actually took his son to the movies and out to eat leaving me home crying and upset cleaning up the mess and trying to get the smell out. Anyways, to make a long story short...after his son left things got better but then shortly thereafter he left, he was discharged from the ARMY. I have a feeling he failed a drug test but he told my fiancé it was due to depression. So he moved in with some Army buddies of his and continued to party and drink and smoke pot. I recently seen messages on FB that he sent my fiancé to tell my fiancé to tell me to go "F" myself. When I questioned my fiancé about it, he told me his son was entitled to his opinion of me! I was flabbergasted. On top of that, I find out that my fiancé has been sending him money, yet he posts pictures on FB of himself drunk and passed out and paying to fly his girlfriend down. Then we started to talk about wedding plans and when I told him I didn't want his son there because of his behavior and attitude toward me, he said then my children couldn't be there, when I asked why, he said he didn't want to explain to his family why I didn't want his son there because he didn't want them to think less of me! I couldn't believe it. I have not received an apology from this kid, nor do I want to see him or be around him. I don't think I should be subjected to this kid at all. The only time he calls his Dad/my Fiance is when he wants money, no birthday cards, Christmas cards, calls to say hello, nothing!

I don't want to hurt my fiancé but in the same token, I don't think I can spend my life with him if he's going to let his kid walk all over me, continue to send him money to enable his bad habits and not show respect for me by telling this kid not to talk badly about me. Our parenting is definitely different. My Fiance grew up in a great home, I just don't understand why he continues to let this kid walk all over him and treat him so poorly just to have a relationship with him. He isn't even his biological kid!

I don't know what I should do, we've seen a therapist and the therapist said that my Fiance needs to maintain a relationship with him because of his addiction issues and be there for him, but when is enough, enough? He's 22 and if he's not in school, he shouldn't be asking his Dad for money and acting like a 16 year old. Time to grow up at some point.

Need advice....I really think this is the end of my relationship with my fiancé and I'm devastated.

Rags's picture

Why be devastated over gaining your freedom from this failed excuse of a parent?

Celebrate and relish in the fact that your children will not be influenced by the useless POS SS and your waste of skin former DF.

Congratulations on your new life opportunty with this DF led train wreck in your rear view mirror.

Last In Line's picture

Sounds like you need to count this as a learning experience and call it over. No way would I let my 16 year old child be alone with an unstable "adult" like that. And no way would I stick with a man who allowed behavior like that in his home and made light of my concerns. Your man is going to continue to enable his son.

notsobad's picture

He's shown you who he is and how he parents. Believe him!
Nothing will change and you will be miserable. Leave and be grateful for the life lesson.

ybarra357's picture

"Need advice....I really think this is the end of my relationship with my fiancé and I'm devastated." My advice to you is see a therapist to find out why you would tolerate this terrible behavior from you 'fiance'. He sounds like a pr!ick!! If he wants to enable this kid to drug addiction, he can knock himself out.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I could make a list of 10 cops that I know that smoke pot. It is 2016 pot is equal to a liquor in my book.
The k2 crap that makes you eat the faces off of other people is another thing but OP's reaction seems extreme.
Many people use weed to get over the things they saw in the military. Weed smead.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I know a guy (cop) that does that all the time, he will pull people over and take their stuff and not give them a ticket, people are so glad not to get "busted" they never say a word. He is the biggest ass EVER.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I agree, I would not want my teens around this hot mess. But I could hardly blame the man for wanting to help his kid after being in Afghanistan. No one comes back from that hell hole unscathed.

^^^^^This^^^^^

Give him the same gratitude you would any other service member, they are good enough to put their life on the line for you but when they come back messed up nobody wants them in their house. Maybe kid didn't know about whatever medical condition your child has (I don't think I ever saw what it is) and won't do it again when given the 2nd chance.

FrustratedFiance68's picture

He was in Afghanistan to clean up, he wasn't fighting the war, he was counting bullets because he chose to be a stock clerk while there (it was the easiest job). If you seen the pictures he posted for the 8 months he was there, you'd be surprised, since he had no combat, wasn't near the combat, all they did was drink, work out and play games on their off time. It wasn't Aghanistan that did this to him, and he's a disgrace to the ARMY. I have family members who were/are in the service and I have the utmost respect for them, to serve your country isn't easy. His story was he bugged his LT until his LT let him out on "depression" but I have a feeling he failed a p-test. Smoking pot and doing synthetic pot are two different things, I'm not advocating for or against it, just don't do it around me or my child while that child is sleeping and doesn't have a choice, those choices were taken away from her and myself. My neighbors son is the same age, graduated from college this year, was offered a job with Northrup Grumman and is making almost 60k a year - he's 22 the same age as this kid who doesn't want to work, party and have fun on someone else's dime. By my Fiance sending him money is only enabling him to continue this behavior and at 22 he should be on his own two feet.

FrustratedFiance68's picture

He doesn't have PTSD, he has what's called Lazy, pot head, "thinks he's entitled" syndrome!

FrustratedFiance68's picture

She's in college getting an education making something of herself. She doesn't live home and no I don't pay for more than 1/2 the household I do pay 1/2 and if you consider I am the only one doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, you could consider that more than 1/2! What does this have to do with the situation anyways.

notasm3's picture

NOBODY brings drugs or even cigarettes into MY home without MY permission (and good luck getting that). I do not care whether they are a misunderstood vet or not.

I will not get bent out of shape with what people do on their own time and on their own dime. But DO NOT EXPECT ME TO ENABLE IT.

I do not want anything smoked in my home. It is nasty and disgusting. I adore my BIL but I do not allow him to dip snuff in my home. Spitting out that crap is DISGUSTING.

still learning's picture

^^I feel the exact same way. Live your life, do what you want...but not under my roof. I'm this way with my adult kids and expect the same from DH's. Our home is a no drug zone! We live close to schools and churches, we do not partake of those substances and don't want our a$$es on the line because someone else does.

Exposing a minor to synthetic marijuana is dangerous ad irresponsible. Put your foot down OP.

dadsnewwife's picture

End it. Read my post. You will be happier in he long run. Read my post. And, I have to say, you're fiance is a worse enabler than my dh! The fact he did nothinges when his son smoked weed with your teen daughter in the house!??
Even MY dh would have kicked him out for that. Actually, I'very seen him do it. He tells his son, you go to rehab or get the effect out. SS23 has gone to rehab every time and last time (and again this time), he will live in a halfway house. It doesn't sound like your fiance has the kind of balls to do that.

As for PTSD, no excuse for enabling. We saw SS32 ruin his life for 6 years due to PTSD...alcohol, drugs, legal issues, ruined his marriage, etc...Dh let him live with us for 10 months in 2010 while trying to get on disability with the VA. He was only 2 days from going to rehab with the VA (5 hours away), went off on dh for whatever reason. Dh kicked him out of the car and told him he was on his own. He called his grandfather who took him to rehab. Fast forward 3 years, he has completed rehab, a trade program hough the VA and has stayed clean/sober for 3 years. There is no excuse to enable bad behavior. Period. Your fiance should watch Dr. Phil. He's told many an enabling parent that they are hurting their adult child, not helping them.

End it with this man now unless he agrees to change his enabling ways. Hear me on his. Someone told me to run 6 years ago...that his kid would be a thorn in my side forever. I wish I had listened.