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Stepmother want to be in my life...

blueseacat's picture


i wanted to know what people think if my actions towards my stepmother, so i am 26 years old and my father is 50 with a 30 wife. she has been adimated in trying to make a connection with me however, i have said that honestly i dont care what she and my father do i just dont want to be involed. after that she kept on trying to speak with me and to try and pull information from me about the whereabouts of my family (mother included) and i have had to bluntly tell her that honestly i want her and my fathers relationship to flourish and be a good thing but i dont want anypart of it. i am finished schooling and doing my own thing my father and i weren't ever close and i can see that she is the driving force. did i do a bad thing in telling her i dont care?? 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Do you have a husband/significant other?  Imagine YOUR partner in life was trying their best to get to know your father, no matter how clumsy their words might be.  It is a sign of interest when people ask questions, and while you might view it as prying, your SM may merely be trying to make small talk and get to know you.

So how would you like it if your father said to YOUR partner: "I don't want to get to know you or make a connection with you.  Don't bother talking to me, because I really don't want to speak to you.  I hope you and Blues are happy together but I don't want to be involved with YOU in any way, so count me out."

My SO's daughter feels the same way you do.  She and my SO are not particularly close.  For awhile, I thought I might be able to be a catalyst to a better relationship for the two of them.  I gave that up because SD was not interested and whatever efforts I made (whether leaning forward, or stepping back) were useless.  She is a self-absorbed young woman who only cares about herself, and has no interest in her father, his life or even his health.   

That's my perspective as a "step".  If you want other opinions (those that agree with you) then perhaps you might want to find a "I hate my dad's wife/stepmother" forum on another website.    

You won't find alot of sympathy here, I'm afraid.  Sorry to be so blunt, but this is probably how many SMs will view your question.

blueseacat's picture

however it isnt like that like i will always be a help to my father and his new son however, she is trying to connect on a friend level and i dont like that type of relationship with my parents relationships. it isnt that i dont like my father being happy it is just i am indifferent to both of my parents relationships and know it will get messy.

also if i was in my fathers position i would be ok with it. it isn't like i dont speak with him and help him out it is just alot of his value contradict mine on a moral level.

i really apresiate the bluntness as i hate beating around a susbject and like honesty. 

thank you

marblefawn's picture

As a stepmother, I never, ever asked about SD's mother. When her mother was diagnosed with cancer, I said to SD, "I'm so sorry. That must be so hard for you," and that was it. When SD talked negatively about how her mom behaved, I almost always tried to lightly defend her mom so SD wouldn't feel there's any animosity from me toward her mom. But mostly, I avoided talk about her mom. I think it's dangerous territory that could easily be turned around to somehow make me the bad guy. Is that possibly what happened with your SM asking about your mom?

Perhaps your SM isn't as cagey as I am or maybe she just doesn't have great social skills so she asks about something you feel is off limits.

I think it would be very hard to have a SM only a few years older than I. Maybe not hard as much as weird. So I can see that's off putting in your case.

Being 13 years younger than my husband, I always wanted a good relationship with SD in case her dad got very sick and needed special care or decisions had to be made about his health. I thought as his only child, she should be part of that process.

Eventually, though, her inconsistent treatment of me became too gamey and I don't want to be played so I disengaged. I worry what will happen if my husband becomes infirm because she and I have no relationship at all now. You might want to think about that if you're close enough to your dad for it to matter to you. If you have no relationship with him or SM, you can't expect to get a call that he's in the ICU and on his last breath.

You don't say how close (or distant) your relationship is with your dad, so it's hard to tell if you were wrong for shutting SM down.

But I'll say this: I wish my SD had looked at me as an ally for when things go wrong with her dad. I wish she had just been polite enough to keep some connection for her dad's sake. He loves her and he loves me and his life shouldn't be split in two forever. Once I thought she'd get my wedding ring and all her family heirlooms (I have no kids). I didn't want to be her mom nor her SM. I just wanted a cordial relationship that one would expect with an in-law or a friend's spouse. Nothing is pretty sad.


Areyou's picture

I can imagine my SD being super hurt if I ever told her that I want nothing to do with her. Please be nice to your stepmother for Pete’s sake. Your parents didn’t raise you to be polite and cordial to people? I blame your horrible behavior on your birth  parents. Wow. Despicable 

Booboobear's picture

How does your brother feel about you not wanting to be friends with his mom?  How does your brother feel about you not caring about his dads wife?  How does your brother feel about you not caring about his Parents? 

goodwitch's picture

She is your father's wife.  And my Dad said to me how you treat her is a direct extention of how you treat me.  So how I was raised I always treated her nice and with respect.  I remembered her birthday, I brought a small gift at Christmas, and was always nice.  It cost me absolutely nothing and it made my relationship with my Dad better; which brought me a ton of joy. 

You only have one Dad, and I'm sure he isn't perfect but when he's gone you'll miss him.  Do what you can to have as much of you can with him, and if that is being nice to the stranger he is married to then so what.

Maria10's picture

I would be grateful that you have an SM who cares enough to try to bring you closer to your dad.

I am a person who appreciates honesty especially the kind that saves me needless emotional attachment to unappreciative people. 

You are both adults and I think its ok to not be interested especially if you and your dad were never close( you say you take the same approach with your mom's relationships which I find fair).

I can also see how many SMs would be hurt by this also.

beebeel's picture

I have to bluntly say that you have the writing skills of an 11 year old, not a 26 year old. Are my words harsh? Uneccesary? Stirring the the pot like a little drama junkie? I'm just being honest!

Yeah, your actions are immature and your "honesty" is a BS excuse to be a jerk.

Suemm44's picture

Op. My sd is 26 now. She seen me and didn’t like me. She judged me harshly. It went like this, I don’t need another mom, I don’t like her, I think she’s mean and nasty.

my take on it is how can I be all this ? After all, I’ve never managed to say anything but hi, how are you ? Sd has never spoken to me. I never got a chance. I think wanting to be your friend is great. I wish my sd was my friend. I never tried to be a mother to her. I know she doesn’t speak to me for many reasons but not one is valid to mistreat me.

my dh is always saying his daughter thinks it’s all about her. Whenever we’d take her anywhere it was all about I ,I, I, I, ... but reality it’s all about a family.

when I was 16 my father suddenly died. It broke my heart terribly. No words could describe the pain in my heart. And this man started coming to our house. But, it was weird he was a stranger. My mom didn’t know him. And I experienced weirdness. He would call me by part of my real name. And just weird. But, your fathers wife is his wife. You view her as a stranger but your dad loves her so he married her.  Even if it’s a hello. I’d start there. You have no idea how hurt she probably is you can’t speak to her. Coming from the situation I’m in too she is hurt. I feel hurt, betrayed, scapegoated and upset just seeing my steps faces. I see road blocks written all over their faces. One day I hope their mother finds someone so their children can see both moved on. My steps mother bm has told them some harsh thing too about me. I’ve never met her yet. It’s not about loyalty it’s about being an adult and looking at a father who is happy. Try to be happy for your dad. We all just one chance at this family thing.  My dh is always telling me his children are angry at me bc I divorced their mom. And that the ex has told them not to talk to you, and that his daughter is fake.  You are angry at someone and the sm is not who you are really angry with. If you can get counseling so you can understand your feelings and they can help you resolve it once in for all. I wish my SS and sd would get counseling so they can get help with their anger and how to move on. 

marblefawn's picture

"You are angry at someone and the sm is not who you are really angry with."

So very, very true, Suemm!

sammigirl's picture

Most events in life are better "not discussed" or the saying "some things are better left un-said".   You should have never said anything to her. 

I suggest you let it go; the words have been spoken and cannot be taken back.  If you do not want a relationship with your father and his wife, don't.

You didn't mention how much time you will be spending around them????   You didn't mention if you live near them??????

I suggest you live your life and be civil to them, when you are around them.  If your SM asked personal questions, just don't answer her and change the subject.  I have been married 38+ years and my SD also told me to my face she was jealous of me and didn't like me.  I let it go all these years, and ignored her aggression and rudeness.  I still ignore her toxic actions to this day.  

Because of my DH, I will NEVER have words with my SD57.  She has written me hate emails and bashed me on social media; I've blocked my SD from all social media, including my phone and email.  I am totally disengaged from my SD57.  It's my way of dealing with her jealousy, but I still have never told her "I don't want to deal with you".  My DH's grown children and their families come to our home and visit with him, I do not do drama.

My SD was 19, when her father and I married.  She also tells me she dislikes her BM.  My SD, has a problem.  I just never made it my problem, it isn't mine to fix.  I have my own life and respect the fact that my SD will always be in the picture. 

You will understand with maturity. 


Stepaside-1987's picture

I have one SD32 that out right ignores me now.  I didn't do sH*t to her but spoil her children and love her father (which is her step-father).  I was not the cause of her parents divorcing - they ONLY thing I can think of is I wouldn't let her speak ill of her mother in front of me.  I knew that would be bait to be used later - so not a chance in hell would I speak ill of her mother. However, it is alllll about her.  I have been quietly disengaged from her for several months - after recent events - I will be letting my husband know that I am FINISHED with the game.  The BM and I get along - we are not going out for coffee/shopping but for the sake of the kids we get along.  She has her life - I have mine.  Sometimes it is best to keep your enemies close - so to speak.   

What I am getting at is this - if you don't want to spend time or even acknowledge her when she is making an effort - shame on you.  IF she is asking personal questions about your Mom - since you said she was 30 - why not give her the benefit of the doubt that she is new to being a "stepmom". 

You sound very selfish and cruel - I am just being honest and blunt.



still learning's picture

Your stepmother is trying, she sounds like a good person. Give her a chance.  Get to know your brother and mend things with your father. Life is short, he won't be here forever.