So just to be clear here you and your husband live overseas and his 25 year old daughter has quit her job in the US and wants to come overseas and live with you and your husband?

Um. No. Just say that while you enjoy her company for visits you don't want to share your home with a 25 year old 'kid'. It won't work. Your husband needs to be told no. This is your home and it will ruin your last year overseas and it will have terrible consequences on your marriage.

Why would you return home? Leave your OWN home and let a stepdaughter move in and take YOUR place?

I don't get why you are - please forgive the bluntness - just going to roll over and let this happen?

sounds like the decision was made before you were informed of it... being that she quit her job already.
I agree with the last post, fight for your marriage and life. don't roll over. she's an adult. she's not akid who needs her daddy!

I have already thought this through and discussed it with my DH. If either of my bios (30 and 28) wanted to come and stay with us - we both get on very well with both of them - this would be acceptable if it were a crisis - eg marriage break up etc, but only for a short term, and while they were sorting their life out and finding a permanent place to stay.

I also have two SDs, 18 and 16, and am not prepared to have either of them living with us either, other than very short term, but that is because they are so difficult.

With grown, adult children, it is not appropriate for them to think they can move in for an indeterminate length of time - they are responsible for their own living arrangements at this age.

Don't let her in, even for a "visit". Once in it is difficult to get them out. I guess I would be asking questions as to why she quit her job. I bet you really aren't set up for a 3rd person to permanently live with you so use that. Fight now, but do it calmly and rationally about why you don't want SD or any one for that matter to take up residence with you both.

sounds like a conspiracy went on behind your back. tell him you have a right to live with whomever you choose to live with and she is not someone you choose. tell him you are done raising children and you can see no benefit for YOU if she lives with you, only detrements.

your "marriage" is between you and him. there is no room for a third person.

I adore my dad, and he feels the same about me, but I would never want to share a home with him and my stepmom. I went through a divorce, and almost wound up homeless, but I did not even once think about going to their place. The irony is, my stepsister is 35, is having marital problems, and is probably going to want to move in with them. She is constantly over, letting herself in unannounced, and my dad, as patient as he is, is getting really tired of this. He told me he cannot live with her. It is a HUGE problem.

My DH's "kids" want to come here, and that will never happen. My marriage would be over.

If you allow your SD to move in, your world is going to change, and not for the better. ESPECIALLY because she is close to her dad. I can almost guarantee she will start problems, and he will defend her. It looks like the 2 of them conspired to have her move in. You are looking at a mess here.

She should have NEVER quit her job in this economy. I lost mine in July, and it has been a struggle. I cannot find anything, and I have a Master's degree.

Please put your foot down on this. Otherwise, your life is going to be miserable.

No. Just no.

NO!!!!!!!!!!! She's not a child, she can take care of herself. I'm in agreement with another poster that said if there was a crisis situation and at that point, only temporarily - but this girl QUIT her job voluntarily and needs to suffer the consequences of doing such a thing. She needs to learn that she can't just run to daddy whenever she wants!

And yes, it sounds as though they made the decision without even consulting you! I'd definitely have a HUGE issue with that. Have you talked to your husband at all about this? What has he said?

You can't let this happen...If you do, you will be the one leaving and not her...

I have told DH that SD16 is never allowed back, if he considers it, I am gone. Bitch, maybe, but, I will not let a child, ruin my marriage again. If he chooses her, I am gone and he is divorced again.

I agree with the other posters - don't let her in. Tell DH "NO!!!" But I wonder why he didn't confer with you before making such a decision that was sure to have an impact on the marriage. I know the awful feeling you get when DH makes arbitrary decisions on your behalf, DH has done this to me too. But he has no right to - period. The home you are now living in, whether you own it or rent, is 50% YOURS. Ask, DH what the future holds for SD. Is the arrangement temporary or does she see the move as a years 'vacation'? The whole thing is unfair and disrespectful of you as his wife.

That is definitely a deal breaker for me too. Older SD was trying to get Youngest SD to move in with us. YSD also mentioned it to DH and I said NO!!! I said 2 women in one house will never work since I am not her mom. I would call my attorney so fast his head would spin. Enough bullshit already.

Just say no, it is your life, your house, your marriage. And most of the time with SC whenever you give them a piece of your mind and tell them how it is, you will be referred to as bitch or a the worse SM ever, then so be it, let them call you the bitch, as I said it is your life, marriage, and if you let them come between you,& DH they will. At SD age she should be taking care of her own business and be responsible for herself. DH may be mad about it, but if it saves your sanity and marriage, home, do what you have to do, stand your ground. We let 18 SS move in with us and it things have been going down hill ever since.

No you are not a bitch if you don't let her move in. My mother and my younger sister were so close. I mean like really, really close. My sister had no money and was starting a business. My parents were empty nesters and absolutely adored "the baby".

But when my sister moved back to our hometown she only stayed 2-3 days with them and then moved in with a friend who had an extra room in her house. This is what normal people in an intact marriage do.

Two women can not and should not live in the same house together. Even if she was your bio daughter, it would be tough. I feel for ya....I'm bracing myself for my DH to ask if SD 23 can move in with us. And her boyfriend. And her effing kid.

Why us?

I discussed the moving in issue with my DH before we married. I told him not to marry me if he wanted his kids to move in, or if he wanted to support them. Luckily, I had seen how awful they were before we were married, and I was prepared. These were deal-breakers for me. He understood, agreed, and we were married this past summer. Since then, he has been asked for thousands of dollars, to cosign for a car, and the big issue-2 of the 3 are desperate to move in. There is no way this will happen, for many reasons.

My dad and my stepmom did not discuss this, because my dad never thought about it being an issue. My stepmom's sons are very successful men. Her daughter was married about 8 years ago. However, she is 35 now, and her husband and her are having major issues. She has a 5 year old that they are raising with absolutely no boundaries. My stepsister is over my dad and stepmom's home EVERY SINGLE day. She lets herself in unannounced. Her daughter runs wild. My dad has asked her to call, and she refuses. My stepmom thinks the sun rises and sets on her daughter, who happens to be a former addict, is a liar, a thief, and basically a nasty person. Refuses to work, does nothing but spoil her daughter. My dad is at the end of his rope. She refers to it as "her mother's house"-it is equally my dad's house. I am sure she is going to ask to move in soon. My dad said he does not think he can handle that. They have a small home with a tiny extra bedroom. He would have no privacy, not that he has much now. So, I am not sure what is going to happen, but it is getting bad now. This could end the marriage.

So, yes discussing it BEFORE is essential, but that does not always matter. My dad is a very shrewd man, but he never saw this coming. And this would not be an emergency issue, because my stepsister has no education, no job, nothing. She would never leave.

I feel for the OP. This may turn into a mess, but she must try putting her foot down.

I am very adamant about my grown SD not moving in and I have many valid reasons why. Not that I need more than one.

Don't even think about it letting her move in. I made the mistake of living w/SD (25) and DH right after we got married. It was a nightmare. SD acted more like his mistress. She was lazy (had no chores), selfish, mean-spirited, evil and treated me horribly. Some days she wouldn't even speak. When I complained to DH, he tried to defend her and we argued constantly. He finally started seeing the horrible side of his princess and was devastated.

And here's the kicker . .I was against it in the first place, but allowed DH to talk me into it. It was one of the most miserable points in my life, when it should have been one of the happiest times. I hated to come home because I couldn't stand looking at SD's face. When she drove up, my stomach would drop. The sound of her voice grated every nerve in my body. When DH and I retreated to the bedroom, she'd knock on the door for something trival just to interrupt our privacy. She tried to push me out, but I stood my ground. Is this the life you want? :sick:

Since your SD QUIT her job, it's her problem. Had it been an emergency situation I would be more understanding. I think her motive is to let daddy take care of her, while destroying your marriage in the process. Her plan is to push you out. Stand your ground. There's nothing to think over, the answer is no. Please don't make the same mistake that I did.

Don't let her move in. Stand your ground. I have been there, three times over and it didn't work any of the times. I told my DH if he let his daughter, SD23 move in one more time I was leaving. He promised me it would never happen again. Well, she left her boyfriend and she is living with my DH's sister. I went to bed one night and SD23 ended up spending the night. Says she has no money for diapers -- Dh goes to the store for diapers. Night before she puts her baby to bed at OUR HOUSE, when she has her own place to live, and then leaves at 11 pm and says "be back later" and didn't come back till 1 am! I was pissed!

Needless to say, the next morning, I took out my suitcase and began packing. I am currently at my parents while my DH takes care of setting boundaries with his daughter, my SS20 and SS22. I blew! He had promised me so many times that she would NOT be allowed to move in, and she has basically been at our home non stop. I don't mind her being there once in a while -- now keep in mind, this is the SD23 that went 1 1/2 years without speaking to me, and now has come back into my life. I don't mind her being there once in a while if she can respect our boundaries and my boundaries. If she can't, she can't be there.

If your SD comes to live with you, I will guarantee you it will not be a pretty sight at all. You have got to stand up to your DH and tell him no. She made this choice to leave her job.