Step back when he is like this. He will not stop visiting.

I know it is hard to watch but there is nothing you can do.

Explain to him that it is too hard to see him hurting and you need to protect your mental health and not get sucked into this dysfunctional vortex.

I would also suggest to step back, and when he gets into his crying moods, kindly and loving him explain that the only affected by this is you and it is not fun. He is feeling guilt and is hurt as he cannot protect his dd, even though she is an adult. Eventually it will also wear on him and he will learn to deal with his pain. Truthfully, right now it is too soon and he feels that he is carrying the emotional brunt of trying to help her as her dm is no longer in the picture. If necessary tell him that because of his reaction to her being in jail when he visits her that you will give him the space to deal with his emotions, however you will not let yourself be sucked into it as she made adult choices and now must suffer the consequence. Also, if necessary, when it gets really bad, let him know that you will stay elsewhere for a couple days so that he can grieve over her choices and go stay with a friend or family member. Doing this will direct to deal with how it is affecting him and he either accept that she did this to herself or lose a wife/partner. He too has to make choices for his behavior and not expect that you accept it, just as his dd expects that he just accept her behavior carte blanc.

Having a kid in jail has a huge impact on your DH's life. There is NO WAY he will be able to deal with this without some kind of professional guidance or help. He should check with the prison and see if there are support groups for families of the incarcerated.

If need be, he can find an individual counselor to help him through this. But be forewarned that this WILL NOT end when she is released from prison. She will still have a very difficult time afterwards, and you must expect that she will be making demands on him then, too. Not knowing what crime she is in for, you may or may not want her living in your home - but be prepared that he will most certainly want to offer her that when she is released.

Get some professional help. This is not your typical step-family dynamic; it is much more complicated.

But I do agree with the others that you need to disengage from the SD and figure out how, and how much, you want to support your DH as he travels down this muddy, pot-holed road.

Be glad you're not on the visitor list, less drama and expectation on you. You can't stop her from "ruining his life," only he can set those boundaries with her. She'll likely run all over him and drain his finances when she gets out too, all you can do is protect yourself and your living space.

I watched my mother go through this w/one of my brothers. He was in and out of jail, on drugs, then in and out of prison, jumped parole, back in prison. He would call her crying, telling how unfairly they treated him, she'd send him $$$ every month so he could buy extras in prison. She'd then call me and dump it all. I tried to get her to set boundaries w/him but it never worked. He moved into her little trailer when he got out of prison, ate all her food and didn't work for a year. She's on SSI and is very low income. She let all this happen in the name of "helping" him. Tried reeling me into the drama by having me give him $ and a place to stay, sorry mom never gonna happen.

Set solid boundaries now.

she's in for 2 years and you complain about only being 2 months? Hon after 8 months DH will change believe me, when he's over the shock.... distance your self from him if he's like this, just go on with life like you use to,
be glad you do not have to visit...

You know how DH will be after a visit, but he's still processing, give it another 6 months, when he comes home, be friendly and supportive, even if supportive means you leave the house and have some fun, he will come around and when he realizes SD is in jail and she caused this, no one else he will change his attitude... just give the man some time to process

Your SD is doing this to your husband because she is an adict and he is co dependent. She has a melt down to "hand off" an emotion to someone else. God forbid that she deal with her own emotions! Anyone who reacts to the adict, tries to help, listens sympatheticly is in danger of picking up the problem. According to adict mentality that transfers the problem. Adicts hate responsiblity for themselves. This is the classic hand off game. She feels so much better when she hands off all these emotions to DH. DH feels worse but SD could not care less. She feels better!

In turn DH comes home to you and does his own version of the "hand off game". You get to pick them up and share them with him.

STOP picking up these sad feeling from DH. Quit feeling sorry for DH. Quit listening to him talk about her.

I suggest you find an alanon meeting and start attending every week. Ask DH to go too but go without him if he wont go.

Joan Mary is quite right about the "hand off" addicts hand off and expect the other person to continue to emotionally and financially care for them. Be wary of accepting the "hand of". They do not want to assume responsibilities for there actions.