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Step-Son Won't Write Thank you's

LindaKjl's picture

So, the beginning of June when my step-son graduated from high school. Step-son does not live with my husband and I but lives with his bio mother about 2 minute away. My husband decides he wants to have a graduation party for my step-son at our house. Party was originally told to me that it would be approximately 12 of step-son's buddies and they would swim and we would have burgers, etc., no big deal. As the date of the party approached it rapidly changed into a much bigger more elaborate party which included lot of my husbands adult friends and their wives, etc. The party ended up costing my husband and I about $700.00. I did 99.9999999% of all the shopping and all the supply gathering for my step-son for this party. Anyway, as you can imagine, my step-son was given a lot of envelopes with a lot of money as gifts. The entire time I told my husband that thanks yous need to be written. He agreed and said "don't worry about it, he's my son, I know what I'm doing". Well, it is now almost TWO MONTHS after the party and NO thanks yous have been written. Now mind you, I supplied my step-son with a computer printed out page of all the names and addresses of the people the thank you cards needed to be sent to (which he lost and I supplied him with another copy). Again, nothing, not done. My husband has told his son several times that this needs to be taken care of and my step-son continually says I know I'll do it. My husband ADORES his son and this kid can do no wrong in his eyes. The kid knows exactly how to work his dad by telling him what he wants to hear. I am beyond upset about this because since WE (my husband and I) hosted this party at our home and a lot of our personal friends were there and gave him gifts that this is a bad reflection on us. I am beside myself as two months later this is now plain embarrasing.

smdh's picture

The problem is that he is a teenager and you (his dad) keep telling him he needs to do it, but noone is actually making him do it. REminding teenagers without attaching some consequence for not doing it, is nagging. He'll never do it unless you give him a damn good reason, like until you write the thank you notes, you need to give us back all the money you have from the party. If that isn't an option, no video games, no hanging out with friends, etc. His father needs to say "I expect the notes to be written by Saturday at 4pm or......" and then follow through.

LindaKjl's picture

Any after me and my husband arguing about this from time to time my husband will crack down on him and tell him he expects to get it done by such and such a date and his son gives him those puppy dog eyes and my husband melts when it's not done.

smdh's picture

Well then your dh is part of the problem. Kids learn from their parents. If your dh thought is was important, he'd make sure it was done.

My son is only 18 months, and I can guarantee you he'll be writing his own thank you notes as soon as he can use a crayon.

I remind dh constantly about SD8 and thank you notes, but he never makes her do it. Or he lets her call instead and then if they're not home, it is forgotten. I quite bothering. she isn't my child and anyone giving her gifts for anything will also be giving my child gifts. They'll eventually figure out that I wasn't the rude one there.

caregiver1127's picture

The biggest problem with this is that he is 19 and you will not make him do anything he does not want to - when my SS came to live with Dh and I at the age of 9 I started training him with the Thank you note - it took about a year of having him do it every time some gave him something. In fact when he moved back in with his mother she actually wrote to me and thanked me for teaching him to do that because the first birthday he had back with her he asked her to help him send out his thank you notes for his gifts without her asking him to do it. My SS just graduated as well and we got our thank you note 1 week after graduation. In order to train a child you need to start young and make it a habit - your SS will not be writing those Thank you notes but here is the silver lining - as we get older people in the real world will not coddle him and if he can't write a simple thank you note - people will stop doing things for him then he might get "it".

LindaKjl's picture

My husband is constantly blaming bio mom on "not training" my step-son properly. What my husband is failing to see is that HE also is not doing such a stellar job at it. Do he love his sons ---- Yes, to a fault. They both walk all over him. My husband will never admit to that though. I am sooooo frustrated because my hands are tied and bound. My husband continually tells me I am not allowed to discipline HIS sons and that HE will do that, it's his job and not mine. I don't want to discipline HIS kids. I just want them to do what it RIGHT. I am just to keep my mouth shut. Sooo frustrating.

LindaKjl's picture

I have SERIOUSLY contemplated writing just such a note to everyone who gave gifts. In fact, I will admit, that is kinda why I generated this post because I wanted to see if anyone else responded by offering that up as a solution to this situation.

BSgoinon's picture

My ex stepmom used to grind on us about thank you cards. I refused to do it, simply out of spite to her after a while.
Just sayin....

LindaKjl's picture

Well, THAT is NOT the case here. I have not said one thing to my step-son as I am leaving all that sort of communication via his father. I am not his mother, I am his step-mother. My take on being this kid's step-mom is HE HAS A MOM. I am NOT his mom and/or parent. The only reason I am harboring these feelings about the thank you notes is because I HOSTED, EVER SO GRACIOUSLY WITH MY "TIME" AND "MONEY", HIS PARTY. The party was at OUR home. A lot of OUR friends were invited and gifted. THAT is the difference here in why I care that he is being negligent in writing the thank you notes.

P.S. I am a mature adult....I do not play games out of spite.....just sayin

BSgoinon's picture

My stepmom never said anything to us either. She just hounded the shit out of our dad... I am not saying that Thank You cards are not important. I wish I was raised that way, now I have to FORCE myself to send them out with my kids. I am saying that I was an adult, and my dad used to be all over our asses "did you send out Thank you cards? Your StepGma never got one, your StepAunt never got one". We knew where it was coming from. And I purposely did not send them out of spite. I was wrong and immature. I am just sayin, that's what I did. They weren't about to tell ME what to do, I was an "adult".

jennaspace's picture

Agree!!!

You could email your friends who sent him gifts and explain the situation. Something short and sweet.

The younger generation rarely seems to write thank you notes. I was definitely never taught to do them. It was something I picked up later in life and am pretty good about now. He should send a thank you but I can say (for me) I don't usually expect one from people in this age group.

NoOnesMomma's picture

I sent Thank you notes out to our friends and family for the SD's wedding that included a picture of my DH and SD during the father daughter dance. The SD never sent them one because she had heard that I did. I explained to her several times that I wasn't thanking them for her I was thanking them for my DH and myself.

LindaKjl's picture

That's a classy thing to do. Great idea for phrasing it that way. I appreciate it. Kudos to you!!!!!!

sandye21's picture

I also think there should be consequences . No swimming at your home or inviting his friends until the thank you notes are mailed. Yes, DH SHOULD tell him but if this doesn't happen, I would inform him that since you had a part in both the planning and the expense of the party, you have a right to ask him to send the thank you notes. If you have to send the notes, he still should not be allowed to swim or invite friends to your home. So what if he gets mad.

jennaspace's picture

I just did that for my son's b-day last month. It's pretty inexpensive and fast at Walgreens.com.

Poodle's picture

I love Realmccoy's idea, special thanks cards sent from you to your guests. After all they were your guests in a way, not his, and the relationship between you and them is what matters, not crappy SS. Don't make any comment on him or his failures whatsoever in your notes, just send them as a communication between friends to acknowledge that they valued you and DH enough to be generous to your hanger-on. Keep SS out of the equation. Don't lower yourself to chasing him or DH any further. They have no manners and it's no longer your job to inculcate them in SS. He's beyond help.
And without any hint of revenge or reaction, just make sure you never ever do one single thing or spend one single dime or even thought on this lout again. Maybe one day he may see the error of his ways and amend them, but until then he is worse than a parasite, he is a social embarrassment.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I agree with Poodle you thank your friends for coming and the generous gift they gave ss without apologizing or pointing out ss bad manners. Let him face the consequences of not doing it from his family and friends. It is clearly bothering and embarrassing you more than it is your husband. So if you want to thank the people you and/or your husband invited do so then let it go.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I would let it go. It is not a reflection on you but rather the thankless SS. People know who is responsible for sending thank yous. I wouldn't send apologies out as I think that would actually make you look worse than SS. As if you had to point out to EVERYONE what a doofus he is. As one poster mentioned a picture with a comment about how nice it was to see them again sounds like a great idea IF, you must contact all the guests about this issue. Just my opinion of course.