Step daughters and In-laws use grandchildren as weapons.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, we have been married for 3. We were both previously married; He was married for 32 years and I was married for 22 years. He has two daughters. They are both in their 30’s with children of their own. I have one son who is in his mid 20’s, he also has children of his own. My husband and I Love our children and grandchildren very much!!!
My husband can be a hard person to get along with at times, he will admit this to anyone.
For the first 2 years of our relationship, my step daughters would not talk to my husband, would not let him see his only granddaughter at the time, and absolutely made sure everyone in his family knew how much they hated me, (even though they wouldn’t meet me), they said horrible things about me and called me horrible names to anyone that would listen.
After meeting his daughters, I have tried my hardest to get along with them. I Love them and our grandchildren very much!!! But, I can’t help but feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t as far as they are concerned.
Like I said, I Love all of our children very much!!! I have tried very hard to have a good relationship with his daughters and their children. I make sure that they know they can come to me for anything, and I will do my best to help them with whatever they need. I am a firm believer that no matter what, children come first! Even though they are adults, they are always your children.
From what my husband and both daughters have told me, his 1st marriage was very bad for a long time before he finally left. So needless to say, there are a lot of unresolved issues that were created long before I came into the picture, and have never been worked out.
My husband’s family has told me from day one that they never liked his ex-wife and she never liked them. But ever since my husband and I have been together, she and my in-laws (mother in-law, sister in-law, brothers in-law) talk three or four times a week. Even though they tell me they don’t like her. The entire time we have been together, his ex-wife comes to all of the family functions (holidays, weddings, birthday parties, etc.). Every time she is around, his family completely ignores me. He has a very big family, and the only person that will acknowledge me in her presence is his brother. His ex-wife usually leaves these functions before my husband and me, and only after she leaves will some of his family talk to me. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that his ex has a right to be there, after all they were married for 32 years. I always try to act like I am fine with being treated this way and I don’t let his family know that it bothers me she is always around. I do however tell my husband that it bothers me, but I don’t want to cause conflict or strife for anyone. His daughters are very close to their mother, and I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me even more if that is possible. Naturally the two of them will not even look at me when she is around, and they make sure the grandchildren keep their distance from me also. I make sure that we get all of our children and grandchildren Christmas gifts, Birthday Gifts, Easter Gifts, Valentines Gifts, I try not to miss a chance to show them how much they are loved. Every year gifts are exchanged on Christmas between my husband and the kids, and every year, I get nothing from them. Not even a Merry Christmas or a thank you. I don’t want to come across as a big baby, and I couldn’t care less if they get me anything, but an acknowledgement that they are grateful for their gifts would be nice. I have never let anyone know this bothers me, I feel I shouldn’t have to.
Recently we had a wonderful weekend with the kids. We all met for dinner to end the nice weekend, and we parted ways with hugs and plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I thought everything was fine. All the way home, my husband and I were on cloud nine, reliving the events of the great weekend we had. We were both so happy and looking forward to the holidays. But, the very next day his oldest daughter sent him a text message saying he is a terrible father and she doesn’t want anything to do with him or me. She said she hates me and said I am fake. She accused me of trying to buy them. She and her sister said they will not allow their children to call me grandma because I am not and will never be their grandma. She said I do not act as close to them or their children as I do my son and his children. I admit, I am closer to my son and his children, because I am allowed to be.
A few months ago, I replied to a comment that his youngest daughter made on a social media sight. She was 8 ½ months pregnant and was commenting on her doctor appointment. My reply was, “I am glad everything is ok, Love you, and the kids very much”. She was furious at my comment and the next thing I know she sent a reply saying that I was rude because I didn't mention her boyfriend in my comment and she is tired of him being left out. Needless to say a few of her friends and boyfriend jumped in and also ripped me apart. I of course felt terrible, and apologized profusely. Her boyfriend doesn't give me the time of day and is not afraid to let everyone know he hates her father. I explained that I would never intentionally leave anyone out or hurt anyone’s feelings. I know how it feels to be excluded and how much it hurts. She of course didn't reply and would not talk to me until the other day. Because of my reply, my husband and I were not allowed to see our new grandchild until the other day, three months later.
His daughters never attempt to call us or visit with us. Every time we call them, they never answer their phones. And, I do mean every time, no exaggeration. I call both of them just to see how they are doing only to get their voice mail and no returned call. We are basically ignored. They do usually get back to my husband if he sends them a text regarding a family get together or a holiday, or if one of the grandkids need something, but that’s pretty much it. My husband has brought this up to both of them on different occasions, and it has always turned into a fight. Every time his daughters get mad at him, they bring up issues that took place years ago, that I had nothing to do with. And, the next thing I know, I am brought up and the name calling starts all over again (even though I had no idea they were talking, let alone arguing). It always ends up with whichever daughter he is arguing with, not talking to us, and telling him that we are to stay away from them and we will never see our grandchildren again. Of course this really hurts my husband and he goes into a major depression until he hears from one of them again. I am the one that tries to pick him up until then. Lately it has been hard for me to try and pick him up. I Love my husband and when we married, I thought it would be for the rest of our lives, but all of this stress has put a huge strain on our marriage. I am contemplating on asking him for a divorce. I am just so sick and tired of all of it.
Is it wrong of me to feel so tired of all this, as it has been going on since my husband and I met? I never know from one day to the next if they are going to be mad about what I said or what I didn't say, or how I said what I didn't say or how I acted or didn't act. I feel like I can’t win for loosing.
Sorry this is such a long rant. Hope someone has some good advice for me.
I never saw myself as a
I never saw myself as a doormat, but you are so right!!! I have been trying to figure out a way to reach out to the SD's and try to mend the relationship or even just have a relationship. The only thing I accomplish is the great feeling of bending over backwards, kissing butt, and walking on egg shells to make everyone else happy. I completely ignore how crappy doing this makes me feel. Thank you for that wake up!!
They don't want a
They don't want a relationship with you. Adults, are free to decide who they interact with.
Since they have made it perfectly clear how they feel about you, all of the gift giving does come across as you trying to buy them/their kids. You're trying to force something the other adults involved do not want. Instead of doing that focus on your husband, your kids and your grandkids (his grandkids are not your grandkids.)
Oh come on. Did you raise
Oh come on. Did you raise your hand and volunteer to be the whipping boy?
Look at this rationally. These are not "kids". These are adults. You came into their life very VERY late in life. Your DH does not have a good relationship with them. WHY ONE EARTH would you think you would have some happy-family "I'm the beloved Grandma" dynamic? That is outrageous. It actually borders on crazy. It's a completely irrational notion.
It's great that you profess "love" for your husbands adult children who you barely know and don't interact well with. Read that again- You profess to "love" adults that you barely know and have not had good interactions with. Now do you see why they call you fake? This whole notion of being "the Grandma" is fake. You don't love these kids. Not really. You might *want* there to be a loving family dynamic, but I want to be a multimillionaire and look where that's gotten me.
You are actually not the Grandma. You likely won't ever be. But the harder you try with the over-the-top gift buying, the dinners where you pretend to play that role, and the fostering of this notion that you are Grandma the more they will push you away. You are behaving in a fake way, so why recoil in offense when they call you fake?
In a way, you are sort of creating a dynamic that encourages them to act this way. If your DH's adult kids don't have a great relationship with him, you are not going to magically change that by professing to "love" them and pretending to play Grannie of the year.
Your best bet is to lower your expectations, and know that NONE of this has anything to do with you. Meet the skids where they are as adults. When you do that, you just might find the opportunity for some REAL relationships open up.
Oh, and PS- sounds like your DH's family is just being fake, too. They don't hate BM, they were just playing the fake game with you. They can profess to her how much they prefer her and liked her better than the horrible new StepMom behind your back, and then behind BM's back they can profess how much they always hated her, and how much better *you* are. Why do you care what any of this fucked up group do or say?
Bravo, Furkids. You nailed
Bravo, Furkids. You nailed it on a response. "Meet the skids where they are as adults." is especially important. In this case, the adults appear to be vindictive a$$holes. So I would advise Cindy needs to have nothing to do with them - completely disengage.
It sounds like the SKs are
It sounds like the SKs are trying to disengage, but the OP is trying to force a relationship.
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Time for you and DH to focus
Time for you and DH to focus on yourselves, enjoying your time and retirement together and invest in relationships with people who are worth the investment. Sadly, his daughters are not.
You have made it clear that you care, you love them and their spawn, and that you are very interested in having a relationship with them. Stick with that message. "Call us when you are ready." That is it. No discussion, no sympathy, no depression, just holiday and birthday cards with that message and "Love Dad and Cindy."
As for responding on social media. I am all for it. Make sure you respond with the message and when necessary the facts and truths of the situation so the audience gets both sides. "I completely understand how you and your BF feel regarding his exclusion. I have lived it for years. It was not my intent to exclude him and I apologize to him for that.".......
One point of difference I will mention is that you say the kids are always the priority. Nope, the marriage can be the ONLY preeminent priority. Minor kids are definitely the top responsibility but never the priority over the marriage. Adult children on the other hand .... they are nothing unless they earn it by investing as much into the relationship with parents as the parents invest in the relationship with their adult children. No toxic adult whether they are your child or not should be tolerated. Evil, even when it is related, must be destroyed and never tolerated. }:) }:) }:)
In our blended family my mom and dad are my Skids Deema and Deepa. No less so than my brother's three bio spawn. Anyone saying otherwise would suffer severe consequences at the hands of a very pissed off grandmother and grandfather. If my bride and I treated either set of our parents the way your Skids threat you and their father there would be no relationship and I would not expect one. Your SDs are POS assholes. Daddy needs to realize this and move on. So do you.
You and DH should invest your parental and grandparental love into your son and his family since your SDs are unworthy. When your grandkids on DH's side turn 18 then have a relationship with them. My wife’s family had their version of your situation with your SDs. My bride’s SIL (BIL1’s wife) can't stand my FIL and refused for years to let him see his grandkids. She let my MIL see them but not my FIL. She even sent him a letter describing how he would never be called grandpa, never be welcome in her (and his son's home) and much more vitriolic bull shit. FIL sent that letter to my wife for safe keeping along with another letter he wrote addressing SILs crap. Both letters are to be shared with our nieces when they are 18 if FIL is not alive to give them the letters and discuss things himself. Beyond that he put his time into his other children's children. He was sad about the situation with SIL and not being able to see those Gkids but .... .he cut his emotional losses. Finally after many years my wife finally called a family meeting and bared all of the right asses about the situation. Ironically my bride is FIL’s SD and the eldest of 4 kids in her family. My brides BioDad was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant with my bride. FIL and MIL married when my bride was 2mos old. That the Skid was beating sense into the situation I find rather funny. Anyway …….. Following that meeting BIL put his foot up his wife's ass and told her to get her shit straight or it would cost her the marriage and their kids because he was done tolerating her vitriolic crap against his father. That scared the shit out of her and for many years now the relationship between my FIL and BIL1 and his family has been good. The family dynamic in my IL’s clan has steadily improved. Only my BIL1 and his wife know what the issue was but the difficulty was that MIL and FIL have been happily married for nearly 40 years so the issue was only between FIL and SIL but impacted the entire family dynamic.
Take care and enjoy yourself and your marriage.
IMHO of course.
Sincerely,
I can totally relate. I have
I can totally relate. I have been nothing but nice to my SD 15 and she continues to hurt my feelings. After years of trying with the 4 skids in this house, I am learning how to disengage and realizing that its not me, its them. Do what is best for you and DH. His kids are just that. His kids.
Wow, I couldn't even get
Wow, I couldn't even get through the whole post.... Agree with SA here, stop being a doormat.
Kids come first? Even if they're adults? Why? Why should you put these "kids" before yourself, your own happiness and dare I say it, your self-respect because they are your husbands grown children? They are Adults. And not even terribly young adults of 18 or 20. They have children of their own. They are Toxic.
They will continue to heap all the abuse they can think of and know they can get away with upon your head. And you Apologize too them for it??
Definition of insanity is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results.
Stop spending money on them. Stop going to these horrible "family" events where Everyone can ignore you. Just stop. They are vicious adults, you don't have to love them, you don't have to be there for them, you don't even have to be Around them. They are not interested in trying with you, so stop.
If your husband has an issue with it, tell him to stop letting his entire family disrespect you and maybe you'll reconsider but for as long as everyone treats you like dirt and he does Nothing, you're participating in Nothing. Let him worry about his family and you go be with people that value you.
Because deep down they do not
Because deep down they do not care how we feel...that would require them to think about someone other than themselves...Some of them just are not capable of caring about someone else....They do not care what we think...they scream it from the rooftops...We are the living reminder of their broken homes and they do not want to be constantly reminded of that truth...Stepmom=Painful truth....
Thank you for all for the
Thank you for all for the responses. I can't believe how what I have read here has hit me. I never looked at it in the way of enabling them to treat me this way. I agree with everything I have read. It's true, I find it impossible to love the SD's. As for his grandkids, the SD's make it impossible to get close to them and have a good relationship with them. I have been trying to hard to make everyone happy and fix problems that are not mine to fix. So, why should I put myself thru the bs and headaches! From now on, I am disengaging from the drama. I'm done!
"My husband can be a hard
"My husband can be a hard person to get along with at times...."
OP, know that I say this with the utmost sympathy, because Ive been there, that statement is your primary problem. If your husband doesn't play well with others than it should be no surprise his own family is difficult to get along with. These people are just haters, they get off on hating on people and being angry, and they are drama addicts. Getting mad and creating drama is their entertainment.
I would avoid all in laws at all times at all costs if I were you. Know that your feelings are valid and never let his family make you doubt yourself. If they treated me like that I would become the first class bitch they wanted me to be and they would be so scared to be around me, but at least they might not walk all over me.
I would advise against trying to get them to like you. That's exactly what makes them feel powerful. That's what they want.
My ex bf has two adult daughters that do not speak to him if they don't have to and do not call him dad, they call him by his first name. That should have been my first clue. My ex was also a hard person to get along with, lol. But so were his daughters.
Your step kids are not just mean, they are completely nuts.
Anyway it sounds like you're on the right track. I definitely feel for you.
SA is right quit being a
SA is right quit being a doormat. The only time selfish, sadistic a$$holes see the light, that a person is really a self-sacrificing sweetheart with only good in her heart - is in the movies. The reality of the situation is that your skids will justify their beliefs and their rotten behavior until hell freezes over - even if it IS a lie. You know in your heart what the truth is or your wouldn't be writing on this forum. It sounds as if even though you profess to 'love' them, that you don't love what they do. Quit playing the role of the martyr. The best gift you can give to yourself is honesty and love. If you love yourself you will not allow others to disrespect you. Your in-laws are being very disrespectful of you in that they treat a woman who has not part of their family in at least a decade as if she still is. You skids are disrespecting you in that they are blaming you for the divorce and every other negative thing in their lives. They are even punishing you by not reciprocating your 'kindness' and 'generosity' - and they are loving every minute of it. You DH is disrespecting you by not supporting you and insisting on the respect you deserve as his wife. TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK.
Inform your DH that you are now going to be reciprocating the level of respect you are getting from his family, from the skids and from him until they and he are ready to fully accept you as his wife.
Ok, so this morning I tried
Ok, so this morning I tried to rationally talk to my DH about the way I have been treated and how I am no longer going to be a doormat. I told them that his daughters have made it clear that they do not want a relationship with me or with him for that matter. His response was, well it is your fault because oldest SD said you only comment on FB about your son's children, and you never comment about loving SD's children.
The last time I said I Love Sd, I was ripped apart by her and her friends! Why should I keep putting myself in that situation, I'm tired of the brutal beatings on my feelings. I am done being as pretty much everyone has said, a doormat!
I told him that I will buy Christmas gifts for the grandkids but I will not buy for the SD's. He said I was just using this whole thing as an excuse so I didn't have to spend money on them. I replied with no, this is just me not being fake. And if they don't like it, they can kiss my not so fake A$$.
I would never advise anyone
I would never advise anyone to leave their husband, but I would advise you to back off of the interactions with skids and sgrkids.
I don't e-mail with mine and don't facebook with them so they don't communicate with me, but just DH.
Of course when they come over for birthdays and holidays, I am forced to interact with them, and I pretty much get the cold shoulder from them. I feel like I'm a waitress during those occasions, cooking, serving, but it's better than sitting there and being ignored. I don't get a thank you or a goodbye from them either. My SDIL, however is friendly to me so that makes it somewhat tolerable. I'm just glad I never have to socialize with the first wife's pack of relatives. My skin would crawl.
If you're doing more than birthdays and Christmas presents, you're way over the top.